Book Title: Beyond

Review: Free

Chapter 1/1.5

Chapter 1:

Awesome start! Pulled me in instantly with the following of the creature. For a moment I thought the animal was the main character ahahaha until I read about the human of course. 

First dialogue, grammar mistakes!

"Did you find something, buddy?" He yells through the roaring wind. 

Correction:

"Did you find something, buddy?" he yells through the roaring wind.

Dialogue grammar lesson once again everyone! Listen carefully.

Dialogue tags = he said, she said, he yells, she whispered, I shouted, I say, he says, it says, we say, they say, we said, it yelled, they roared etc...

It is the speaker. No capital is used for the speaker.

"Magne'rab!" It says and takes a few steps back.

Correction:

"Magne'rab!" it says and takes a few steps back. 

"Jacobs, hand me the light sphere." The man says.

Correction:

"Jacobs, hand me the light sphere," the man says. 

Comma should be used for speech marks with dialogue tags, not a period.

I'm only repeating this once. If you don't understand please ask here :)

THE CREATURE JUST SPOKE? WHAT?! AHHH

Jacobs is now my favorite character ever. I want one of whatever the hell he is.

The beginning was engrossing and so amazingly detailed. The pacing was a great build up to Michael finding the frozen ship underground, that was so interesting! I kept expecting him to find some creepy skeleton or something aha 

So, this is another galaxy in the universe? It's not a futuristic Earth? That confused me just a little because he looks human and has an Earthling name, and speaks English of course. Maybe humans came to the planet to inhabit it? I'm not sure. It's still really good though!

I'm interested to know what happened to the planet (as he mentioned something about an attack) an attack from what?! 

And there's YETI'S out there? Double AHHHH. 

Jacobs still remains the cutest thing ever. Kill him off and I will hunt you.

Joking.

Kind of.

Your writing style is amazingly coordinated. From the beginning to the end I was entranced. The only thing that threw me off and made me cringe were the song lyrics. The first half was okay, as he's hearing it, but I didn't find the second half of the lyrics necessary because you've explained what the song is. And because the song is a Beegee's song, that deeper confused me as to how this can't be Earth. How does this man from "billions of lights years from Earth" have a Beegee's song on his phone? LOL

Do you see my confusion?

It's like me downloading an alien race's playlist because it's just randomly there and then using it to remind myself that I'm alive every day. 

ahahaha

Apart from that I really enjoyed the start and I'm eager to know more! 

Chapter 1.5:

What the hell happened?!!!

And I don't mean that in a good way, I mean that in a super-blunt roar like a Thraigareon (?) kind of way. 

What. The. Hell. Happened.

LOL.

It's like this is written by a different person. I don't even know where to begin.

Firstly, you write the first half in present tense (like the previous chapter) and then suddenly you decide present is boring you so now you're going to switch to past.

No. No. No! If you're writing in present, stick to present. Tense switches is one of my biggest pet hates with critiques!

Secondly, the cramming of sentences. New line for a new speaker! I don't know who's speaking, or what's happening because nothing is spaced correctly.

Thirdly, the creature I'm going to call "T" because it's a difficult name to write, was described so poorly that I just imagined chaos rather than anything specifically happening. 

Lastly, where is that amazing, slow-paced talent gone? Where is the fire and the detail from the first chapter? 

It's like you just gave up half way through this or was writing it on your phone and that's why the sentences are so short. There's no paragraphs!

I recommend re-writing this chapter on your computer and then you won't get hit with all the small sentences which make it hard to read. I don't think I've ever critiqued such an amazing beginning and then found myself making a thousand corrections on the next. 

I know that Michael and Jacobs made it out of the attack alive, woo! So, that's good. And it's scary that there's other creatures bigger than T. It was like Jurassic World aha! 

Who is Stephanie? I wonder. And why is she "in a break" ahaha

I just think this entire chapter needs editing aha it's hardly readable. Well it is readable, but I was so distracted by making grammar and spelling corrections that I couldn't concentrate properly. I think you've got incredible and insane talent from the first chapter, so I don't know what happened here, but I hope you get back on track!

It really does sound like such an interesting and powerful story and if detailed correctly, the T scene would have been a thousand times more terrifying and impacting. 

Make those edits, pay attention to the correct dialogue grammar and stick to one tense!

Good luck :)

Overall Rating: 6/10 

Recommended: Yes, when edited