Book Title: Secrets of the Past

Review: Free

Blurb, Chapter 1

Blurb:

Oh god. Where to start. It's all over the place. If I was a reader and I saw and read that, I'd go "huh" and click out. Did your space button break or something lol? It's crammed together, space it out. 

Example (you can copy this) :

Secretive pasts and mysterious futures are revealed, but things are never as they seem. Especially for Kyle and Serena; a young couple who never imagined being locked inside a library at night could change their lives forever.

But would it change them for the better, or for the worse?

Startling things are uncovered and their relationship might just not survive the impact, especially when a ghost from Kyle's past comes back to haunt them, reminding him of a grave mistake he once made, and had tried his best to forget.

Questions arise, and each answer only leads to more. Nothing is certain, but one thing is; they're running out of time.

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This is just a prompt of the blurb you wrote. Space it out and word it better, add some intense mystery, and take out the questions marks where they're not needed. You can copy my example if you want, but it's just a guide.

Chapter 1

O.o

Okay. I always start chapters with "okay" because I try to ease the tension of when I'm going to go into critic mode and scold. No hard feelings? Let's do this.

Firstly, the pacing, grammar and spelling were all fine. I didn't notice any mistakes, no physical errors that I could point out. So that's good.

What I'm going to critique is a new one, the plot line aha, I've not really done this before. Oh god. 

I'm so confused.

You start your chapter with "Kyle and Serene met 6 months ago" and then you write the actual date in the chapter as it's happening (but has already happened o.0) and you add in a mystical staircase. I'm sorry but WTF?

Excuse my language.

If they met six months ago, then why the holy heck are you writing it in present day? Like the second chapter follows on from the ending of the first. You wrote half of it as a memory and then the other half as it's happening.

Are they on a first date/study date? Or are you telling this from six months later? Are they together in this chapter? Make that clearer.

Why are you bringing in the staircase so soon? Why is Kyle thinking about ghosts somehow playing with his emotions? 

First chapters are an introduction, you've jumped into some maddening world way too soon. So they went through an "appearing staircase" situation together but how is that supposed to impact me as a reader? I don't know them!

I'M SO CONFUSED.

Okay, what you should do, is just write the first time they met in the chapter. You know, like a prologue. Explain their love, how they talked to each other over the six months and THEN bring in the "welcome to your doom" part after the introductions.

I need to know who these characters are and what they've been through before they go through THAT.

Who are they? How old are they? Where do they live? They hardly talk, why is there no dialogue if it's present day time? If it's a memory, fair enough, but that's again why I'm getting confused.

I feel like I'm starting a book halfway through aha

Don't get me wrong, I think that the plot could be great if you know how to work your twists. The actual chapter itself was mysterious and chilling, and I am super curious as to what Kyle did to his father, but it's just in the wrong place.

I mean, there's a floating man in the end. Lol. Huh? I know you're trying to keep things paranormal and suspenseful, but not in the first chapter. 

Introduction first!!! :)

Apart from all that business, your writing is great. I can't say a bad word about your skills, you're a talented author and the detail is specific enough that I can imagine it all well. Just work on your story telling and give us a clear picture of what exactly you are telling. If that makes sense.

Overall Rating: 5/10