Book Title: Electric Impulse 

Review: Payment

Chapter 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

So sorry for the delay, thanks for understanding <3 

Chapter 1:

Oh wow. That was such a powerful and amazing opening. I loved how you wrote something usually written in thoughts and made it a conversation between two strangers that have just met. It felt as though the MC was trying to teach her love, but the other girl ended up having a mind of her own and wasn't afraid to voice her opinion on her own beliefs in the end. It was very imaginative and open to interpretation. 

On one hand, we know she had a boyfriend when she met the guy but on the other hand her boyfriend might have been an abusive control-freak and meeting this other guy made her come alive again. So I can understand why the girl feels for him, but that ending just makes me think her boyfriend was a wrong un.

I enjoyed reading her values of love/attraction. I thought your wording was beautiful.

"There was a push and pull to it, a give and take." < I love this sentence. 

She must have a lot of self-confidence to admit all of this to a stranger aha I'm wondering how this conversation even began. Does she just find any reason to bring it up? Who is she trying to convince?

You made me go deep inside my head to try and connect the dots, and that was a fun experience. I don't think she loves the guy, I just think she loves the 'new' feelings he's giving her. Definitely lust. But, then, it might be more than lust. Who knows ;)

Is this a waiting room at the doctors? hmm

I'm definitely intrigued and I love your writing! I can't give any bad critique about it, woo!

Chapter 2:

I'm confused straight away. Is this "6 months ago" before chapter 1 or 6 months before chapter 3? If it's 6 months ago as in before the waiting room scene, then chapter 1 should realistically be a prologue as it's a large time difference and you're telling the "6 month ago" story line in sync, meaning that it shouldn't follow on from chapter 1. If that makes sense xD

I liked the chapter, it was cute how she was nervous that she wouldn't fit in or wouldn't be like the rest of them, I take it her boyfriend's family is rich and hers isn't? Not always a good combination for snobby in-laws. 

One thing that kept distracting me was the italic thoughts. The thing with italic thoughts it's that they're supposed to add emphasis on a direct thought. For example, when you write that she's driving and she's parking, that's still her thoughts. When you place something in italics, that's her direct thoughts so they shouldn't be more than a line.

That entire paragraph where she is freaking out in italics doesn't need to be in italics, because it's still her thoughts. To do a direct thought, it is simple and blunt, example:

What if they don't like me? I think to myself. What if I'm not good enough?

God, I hope they like me, because he's the one. I'm sure of it etc. . .

Do you see what I mean? Direct vs indirect. Don't make direct thoughts longer than necessary. 

Aria seems really funny and sweet, half of what she thinks I can relate with. You brought her character our brilliantly and I loved the interaction with the preteen that answered the door who just looked her up and down. It was so realistic and just highlighted that rich snobbishness. 

Just one more thing I'd suggest is maybe placing your author's note further down the page as it's very close to the ending of the last line and that can pull readers straight from the story and make it less believable. 

I can't wait to meet Sebastian! But, I'm actually more interested in meeting his mother ahaha this BBQ will be fun!

Chapter 3:

Wow! I wasn't expecting that! I'm not entirely sure what just happened but it was like watching some wacko soap drama. The only thing that stood out as unrealistic to me was that this "thing" he believed happened only happened the previous night and he's already moved on? That wasn't believable. I also think he has serious issues to not talk to her about it or confront her, I actually think he's making excuses just to end things with her. But the fact he did it so publicly knowing she'd show up just makes him an asshole. Not cool.

Uh, there's a few grammar mistakes in this chapter. 

One thing I'm going to address is your strange way of emphasizing words. Like:

"What the Fuck are you doing here?" 

If you're trying to add emphasis, you should italicize it:

"What the fuck are you doing here?" 

I'm not sure why you put capitals, only put capitals on nouns.

DIALOGUE GRAMMAR GUIDE!!! Here it comes :D

Okay, so I'm going to take examples from your chapter:

"Really? You show up here? After what you did?" He snaps at me. 

Correction:

"Really? You show up here? After what you did?" he snaps at me. 

"...well I got something for you..." He rages on. 

Correction:

"...well, I got something for you..." he rages on.

"Please, don't do this! Not like this!" My voice cracks.

Correction:

"Please, don't do this! Not like this!" I say, my voice cracking. 

"It's done." He replies coldly. 

Correction: 

"It's done," he replies coldly. 

These are just a few examples of your dialogue grammar errors. Remember not to capitalize your dialogue tags and to always place a comma before a dialogue tag not a period [not including other punctuation such as question marks and exclamation marks] Even if your dialogue ends in a question mark the dialogue tag doesn't have a capital. There is only a capital when the speaker is doing an action.

"It's done." He stood up from the chair. < period and capital, because it's an action. 

"It's done," he says. < comma and non capital because it's a dialogue tag.

Hope that make sense but let me know if you're confused about anything and I'll help :) 

One more thing I've noticed young author, is your inability to put "says." Almost every dialogue is a stand alone or an action afterwards. Don't you like "says"?? it's more professional than any other dialogue tag and is the difference between professionalism and amateur. 

However, you get a point for writing in present tense as I LOVE present tense. Woo!!!

Apart from those small errors, the chapter was quite dramatic and action-packed. Your writing style is still amazing and your descriptions are awesome. I felt like I was there in the room with them, it was gold!

Hopefully Aria leaves him to his temper tantrum and runs while she can! That guy is seriously messed up aha

Chapter 4:

Woo I met his mother!!! Didn't like her, but it was interesting nonetheless aha 

Okay, these time jumps are confusing me. Is this before chapter 3? Because in chapter 2 it was "6 months ago" so are we now at present day and she's replaying last Tuesday which is 6 months AFTER the BBQ scene? Or is this BEFORE the BBQ but still 6 months ago? Sorry if I'm being dumb but I don't get it.

I'm still not 100% sure what the plot actually is. Is it her thinking she's in love with Sebastian until the hot guy from chapter 1 comes along? Is that who he sees her with and that's why he get's jealous? It's very complicated and although there is a bit of mystery there it's not quite working with the time frames. 

This chapter was very short, even for my standards lol I love short chapters but I didn't get the impact I wanted from her first meeting with his mother. It ends like it shouldn't be ending, if that makes sense? Like, she's glancing at Sebastian and he's looking down, why did you end it there? Carry it on, I'd like to hear her answer to that gas station question, I'd like to see whose side Sebastian takes. It just doesn't feel like a worthy ending, it doesn't add anything to the chapter except it feels like it's carrying on, when it isn't. 

Put your amazing talent to the test and give us more!!! I want more snobbishness and degradation, I want to feel Aria's awkwardness and hate of being there. This is your chance to really let Aria's character come out to defend herself, but it just felt a little rushed.

Still, it was a good chapter! :)

Dialogue grammar guide applies here also. 

Chapter 5:

Ah, okay, so we're back at the BBQ now, so the previous chapter was a flash back. If it's a flash back then it should be written in past tense, not present, as you wrote it as it was happening right there and then but it has already happened, if that makes sense. I think this chapter backs up my point with the previous one to make it longer. In the last chapter, we need to see how "sweet" and "loving" Sebastian was to her to make us feel shocked by his reaction here. 

Maybe if we saw them have a conversation like two people that cared for each other, this chapter would have a greater impact. For me, anyway.

I think your writing is freakin' unbelievable. You have amazing, raw, fresh and incredible talent. The way you word things is beyond belief, it's like one sentence paints a thousand pictures. I have no doubt you're going to be a well-known writer one day, I am in actual awe of your skill. Your vocabulary is outstanding and some of the details are immensely creative. The only thing I'm having trouble with is your plot, I just want more from the characters to make them shine individually, but you've done a really good job at developing Aria's character. 

She's a smart girl, hopefully she can be smart enough to see that she deserves better! 

Chapter 6:

--skipped as I don't critique poetry, and it was a little strange to see it there in the story--

Chapter 7:

Aw, it's so sad to see her upset. I guess in a bizarre way she needed that wake up call though. I just hope she get's revenge! You've developed Aria's character so well that I can connect with her through her heart ache, which is rare. I'm surprised there isn't anger in her though, I'd be so mad! 

You described her melt down amazingly, from her makeup smudges to her eagerness to go to the one place she can be happy again. Such a strange and unpredictable chain of events, poor girl! Maybe her boss, Mick, can cheer her up. I bet she needs a drink aha

I think the story is good, your writing style makes up for all the little holes and confusion and it's very clear that you've worked hard to shape your characters into original and creative people. For improvements, work on your dialogue grammar and make your chapters longer to give us more insight into important conversations that will further shape Aria's situation. The chapters focus a lot on Aria and Sebastian and not on Aria on her own. So try to work on introducing Aria's life away from Sebastian and give us more information about who she is and the life she comes from. 

I enjoyed what I read so far and I wish you the best of luck! Not that you'll need it! <3

Overall Rating: 7/10 

Recommended: Yes!

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