Book Title: Mermaid at Heart

Review: Payment

Chapter 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

I am only doing the same amount of chapters that I requested payment for, and this is because I'm honestly not happy with the feedback I received. If you want me to critique 8 chapters of your book, spend HOURS on it and point out every mistake, then I think I should deserve more than a couple of line comments on my chapters.  And I'm still not certain they're genuine, so I'm not doing the extra 2.

Blurb:

Why does the blurb focus more on all the awards you're entered into than the book itself? Seriously, as a reader, why do I care about all those awards? I care about your BOOK. I want to know more about it than a short paragraph. What happens on the island? What struggles does she have to face? What makes it different than to all the other mermaid books? Just give us that something extra in the blurb :)

Chapter 1

It was a good start. I like chapters that start with a piece of information that doesn't make sense until we read the rest of the chapter. I can understand her frustration, I mean, moving is one thing, but moving to Australia? That'd scare anyone! Sometimes parents don't think of their children and the impact a huge move like that can have on them, which is greatly shown in this chapter. 

She's acting out, and running away seems like the only escape route. Kind of funny that she didn't get very far though. I guess no matter how far we want to run, we'll always become scared of running too far. What was she going to do? Stay in that cave forever? With no money, clothes, or plan? Lol. 

The cave is really intriguing, it's not there when she wakes up? Did she dream it? Is it magical? What happened in that spooky rainbow water?

It did remind me of H2O a little bit, when they all sat in that moon pool and it turned them into mermaids. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing yet, hopefully it's just similar.

I like Amelia. I think she's a tad immature and reckless, but I also relate to her anguish and denial of having to leave her life behind. I think this was really well written, the only critique I will mention is to maybe just make her thoughts a little slower, they were quite fast and jumpy. Slow them down and make Amelia seem a little more grown up. 

I'm intrigued to know more. I don't think she'll be in trouble, I think it'll lead to her mother and her having a good conversation about the trip and her fears. But also, I'm wondering if what happened in that water is going to change her somehow.

Chapter 2

Aw, I knew it. I knew they'd have a heart to heart and discuss it, I liked this approach as opposed to her mother going all berserk on her. That conversation felt very real and emotional, it was a clear wake up call for her mother who only just realized how serious Amelia is about staying. But then, Amelia begins to change her mind?

Huh?? Amelia now wants to GO to Kinniki? Plot twist!!!!

I'm really impressed with your grammar and your dialogues, it's very rare that I get the chance to say this! It all feels very realistic and professional.

Oh my, she's changing her mind again! Hahaha!!!! This girl is like a light switch, on, off, on off.

I really liked the paragraph where Amelia is describing her friendship with Natalie, but then turns it around to almost dislike her and that she's jealous of her. I thought that was very cleverly written. 

What's this thing with her dad? She mentions him quite often but doesn't give us any detail to who or where he is. She obviously adores her dad, so why would her mother want to eagerly take her away from him?

Is he a drug dealer? Is he dangerous? I'm struggling to understand why her mother would spite him like that. Why isn't he trying to stop them from leaving? If it was me I'd be at that airport begging them not to go. And if she sees him every weekend, they obviously must have a good relationship, so why wasn't he on her option list for people to stay with??

Strange.

Chapter 3

I love the relationship between Amelia and her mother, I think it's hilarious that she's embarrassing. 

Just be careful not to talk to us readers directly, like when you put:

"I forgot to mention this earlier, but when my mum gets excited about something, she gets super excited."

When you put that, you're speaking to us as the author, not the character, and that takes away the imagination from the story. So try not to speak to us. It's amateur.

This chapter was really funny. Amelia giving the "scowl" to the guy that butted in on their conversation LOL no one scowls like us British! ;-)

It gets very interesting with the "kicking" situation. Is she imagining that? Is the girl lying? Amelia's only 14???? Well, that now makes sense because her thoughts are exactly that of a 14-year-old haha 

Just try to make her thoughts a little more mature, despite her age, us readers still need to connect to someone on our mind level. 

Chapter 4

The beginning was really unexpected! I liked the way you told and didn't show, I know many people tell authors to show, but I thought the telling part was more dramatic and insightful. That was definitely interesting. Is Amelia having episodes of some kind of heart failure or something? What is happening to her! :-O

(apart from the obvious mermaid thing)

The pace is great, the dialogue and grammar is great, you're really not giving me much to critique here! 

I LOVE her thoughts, I think she's hilarious. You have such a humorous and breezy flow to your writing, it's almost addictive. The way she dislikes everyone and has that teenage temper that fuses her careless side is the funniest thing about her. She has a lot of growing up to do, but I also like how she's scared of what she's turning into. She realizes something's wrong, but she's just getting on with it. 

I think she'll actually like moving to Kinikki. And I'm really interested to see her transformation into whatever is taking over her. I'm getting more and more hooked. Damn.

Chapter 5

This chapter was okay, a little dramatic with the run in with the older sister, which was quite funny in a way with how they introduced themselves to each other formerly. I hope she doesn't go through with her threat of school, because that's the last thing Amelia needs. I really don't like her! In Amelia's defense, she did think the brat kicked her seat.

And then Amelia's running again! Woah, this girl likes running. Where's her mum? Her mum seems like a hypochondriac when it comes to Amelia, she'll probably have half of Sydney out looking for her lol!  

I wonder what the "voice in her head" is and how it's commanding her to run when the rain hits. You didn't really give much detail to that. I just have this image of her running away from everything now aha. Again, the rain thing reminded me of H2O. It's a good thing she's out of England if she can't be around rain!

The only thing I'm starting to pick up on in your chapters now is the description. Make sure to include descriptions. What do these people look like? What does AMELIA look like? It is a little lacking with detail in that department. 

Chapter 6

Okay, the bathroom scenario was a little TOO dramatic. I mean, Toby had to save her from it, seriously? So she came out of the men's bathroom, I don't think people would make that much of a big deal out of it. Not to the point where someone has to drag her away lol I just found that a little cringy. She might have thought it was the women's bathroom, it might just be a simple mistake...why the drama?

Also, so, Toby knows something is wrong? Really? How? How? How can he recognize the signs of something his daughter went through and something Amelia is going through? Did Toby's daughter lock herself in the men's bathroom too? That conversation came a little out of nowhere.

Okay so, when she's describing things happening to her body, take your time with it. Go into detail with it, expand your vocabulary a little and explain more about what the tingling is. Does it vibrate? Does it make her restless? Is it unbearable like an itch? What makes it different to when we just feel a wave of chill come over us suddenly? It is physically hurting her? Or is it something mental? 

Just give us more of an insight into what this tingling actually is. 

She's going to the beach!!! Will she finally discover what happens when she touches the water? What WILL happen! Exciting!

Again, I'm finding her to be too immature. I just need to connect to her more on a serious side than a humorous one. Even though I love her as a character and I think she's awesome, her thoughts can sometimes go into severe details about things that aren't relevant. 

Just work on that.

I really enjoyed critiquing this, I think you've done an excellent job and you are definitely an author with A LOT of potential. Your writing flows naturally and poetically, but it just needs some work with the thoughts. Tone down the exclamation marks. Using a period can be just as effective.

I really wish you well with this!

Overall Rating: 7/10

Recommended: Yes!