Book Title: Hellhound 

Review: Payment

Chapter 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

Chapter 1

For a beginning, it was great. The first and second paragraph confused me though. On the first line you described "there was once a man that waltzed with death." But you didn't make it clear if the "figure that emerged from the shadows" was the same man, so try to make that clearer.

The way you word your sentences is beautiful. There was that one paragraph I commented on because the detail and the anxiety of Raven was so powerful that it became one of my all-time favorite paragraphs to read. I could feel his fear and nerves like it was myself, and that's a very rare talent.

It's all so very eerie and dark. Which isn't bad! I'm so intrigued by what Raven is, and what powers he has, and who is haunting him or trying to "imprison" him. The headquarters with the scientists added more mystery. Scientists study, so what are they studying??

I love Raven's personality. I like that "I don't care what you have to say, get to the point" attitude he has with his boss/leader. There's many questions running through my mind about the plot and the situation, but I know there has to be mystery for a reason. One question I will put forward though is what world is this set in? Futuristic Earth? Modern-day Earth? Entirely other world? Don't forget to try and include that gap somewhere.

Now, for mistakes hehe

Argh, your grammar, girl!!!!!! I did all this for you in your last critique!!!

Right. Listen very carefully, because I am only going to say this once. 

When you put a dialogue tag after a speech mark, you include a comma and you don't capitalize the speaker. Examples:

"Cold as ever," the man muttered, and then sighed.

"Raven. Gifted #1. He called me," he reported.

"Sir," they both said in unison. 

Dialogue tags = she said, he screamed, they whispered, we said, everyone muttered, the room roared. etc... 

Include a comma not a full stop. 

You include a full stop when your speaker is doing an action. Examples:

"I think you should sit down." He rubbed his chin as the boy sat to his request.

"They didn't take it." She met my eyes and sighed. 

Get it? Please let me know if you don't.

Moving on, to this sentence:

'What a pain.' He thought. 

Those are speech marks^ lol!!!!

Correction:

What a pain, he thought.

Place thoughts in italics, and don't capitalize the "he."

The ending! Woah! Why did he kill him? What is the dead guy? I'm starting to think maybe Raven is some hitman or something. He didn't even hesitate! It might be one of those situations where you want me to think Raven is the bad guy for being a murderer, but he's actually killing for good reasons. Hm. Or, he could just be a murderer.

I don't know!

I like that I don't know. A little.

I'm off to know more!

Chapter 2

'There is a thin line between beauty and ugliness.' He thought. < stop putting thoughts in speech marks lol! How is he speaking it and thinking it? 

There is a thin line between beauty and ugliness, he thought. 

Tada!

This chapter all worked together smoothly and professionally. Apart from some little grammar mistakes, I couldn't notice any big worries. 

I liked Raven and Iris' meeting, I found her annoying but in a cute way. I think he might need someone with that kind of personality to save him from himself, he's just so depressed and tired, and I can feel that from him. Everything he does is for survival but what kind of life is it when you're living under someone else's control?

I enjoyed reading about the plot further. It reminded me of The Flash, how he's a meta-human hunting evil meta-humans. I was right, in a way, when I said he was a hitman; he just isn't doing it willingly. I feel so bad for him! He's a snarky jerk, but there is a soft side there, like when he's with the cat aha

I'm confused with the source of their powers though. Where did they come from? How did the scientists subdue them? I mean, the scientists are human, right? Would they really stand a chance against a group of gifted? Hm.

The intentions of the book is unclear, but I like it. I love your writing and your detail is awesome, this feels like such an original and epic fantasy novel. I'm eager to see one of them use their powers!

I feel like Raven might know the girl he's been ordered to kill. Maybe he won't be able to do it, maybe he'll revolt. Ooh, possibilities! 

Chapter 3

Oh wow! Girl, seriously, I can't even put into words how intense that was. I loved the insight into Raven's gifts, and he's got some pretty cool powers. The way the entire chapter was worded was like watching a scene from a movie. I just imagined him stumbling against those buildings trying to stand, it was so so powerful.

My only critique, and question, is why? 

Did the girl he was hunting weaken him? Does he get dizzy when he uses his power to locate someone? You mentioned that he trained his strength, so why did he get so weak? Maybe just put in a little information about it because that's the only thing that confused me. 

I wasn't sure if the butterfly references were metaphors for the girl approaching him or actual butterflies aha? So make that clearer too, or maybe I'm being dumb.

The best thing about someone blacking out at the end of a chapter is that we don't know what they're going to wake up to aha!! Will he wake up at headquarters? Will he wake up in a stranger's house? Will the girl be there?

It's moving along now and becoming more intense and plot-driven. I really do enjoy being a part of your writing, it's like I'm there, and that is INCREDIBLY hard for me to accomplish when I'm reading third person narratives (cause I dislike third person, especially if it's written incorrectly) but you've nailed it!

I'm becoming more and more connected to Raven and even though I don't really like him as a person I'm actually starting to care what happens to him. 

Chapter 4

What the hell!!!!!!!

As if you TRICKED me. I was getting so into that fear scene and having insight into Raven's deepest fears and mind, and then the fat man entered and I'm like "oooh, it's getting interested!" and then BAM!

Very clever, but I do NOT like you for it ;-)

Even though it was a dream, it still felt real and incredibly anxious. Raven's deepest fear is darkness, that shocked me actually, but I guess everyone is scared of something. 

I'm glad he's okay, even though it's strange how he woke up back in his own house. Who put him there? The mystery continues!

Okay, I'm confused. What happened to the girl he was hunting? Why doesn't he think about her? About how he "failed" or whatever. It ends with him getting a new case, but doesn't he need to do this case first?

Confused.com

Did I miss something from the black out scene? Did he take her out? I didn't register that happening, so why are you wiping that all away?

Please clear this up :-)

Chapter 5

Okay, this chapter was a little bit messy. Don't get me wrong, it was enjoyable and interesting, but some of the dialogue conflicted with the detail. Like someone said something and then on the same line they're walking somewhere, that kind of thing. 

When someone speaks, try not to write an entire paragraph after it. Separate it. 

I enjoyed the team work and seeing them in the field, even though I wasn't 100% what was happening at times. So, a scientist's car was bombed and they're looking for the person that did it?

I just expected them to talk a little more about it, like even though they've been given orders to find who did it, they're glad it happened because they hate scientists. That kind of thing. It isn't consistent with their apparent "hate" of being controlled. And also, why would Kai kill an ability user just like that? He justified it because the person had powers, but they all have powers lol. I'm so confused by whose side their on. Why didn't Kai just question the person? Why didn't Raven want that too?

The ending really confused me.

Raven acted shocked by the person being an ability user, but half way in the chapter he says, "we don't know if they are an ability user or a mere humans" < so why would he be shocked?

If they're allowed out, why don't they just run away aha

Also, does the world know about this? Do humans know about ability users? Do news stations report it? There really needs to be more back story to the plot. 

Okay, you wrote this:

Raven though, was thinking of something else. 'Why had she been here today? And especially first thing in the morning? It was not her job to come here; she was a scientist of the lab. Was she here for gifted hunting? But that's for us..."

Firstly, it's in speech marks again! 

Secondly, direct thoughts should not be longer than one line. Any longer like above and it's an un direct thought and doesn't even need to be described as "Raven thought" because you can just write it as a normal paragraph as a thought. 

Example:

Raven began to think about the situation. Why had the scientist been here today? Especially first thing in the morning? It was not her job to come here.

For a direct thought, example:

Raven though, was thinking of something else. Why had she come here?  he thought. It was so strange to him, especially first thing in a morning.

Get it? Direct thoughts are in italics, no longer than a line. Any longer and it should just be a part of the normal paragraph.

Despite being confused by little bits, it was still interesting. It can be worked on with the dialogue though. Sometimes when someone is speaking, it just makes me cringe a little bit, it might be the error with grammar. Correct that grammar!

Chapter 6

Okay, as a reader, the dialogue grammar is really annoying me lol so please take notice of the grammar guide for chapter 1 and use it. I did go through this in your last critique, so I'm deeply frustrated why you haven't grasped it.

If it confuses you, let me know and I'll help you. 

Good chapter! Could Raven be feeling. . . guilt?!!! Poor Kai :( 

I'm so confused by Raven and Indigo's friendship/conversations lol. Is Indigo Raven's boss? I can't remember that part. I like Indigo, he handles Raven well. 

Right, okay. I'm going to be super blunt right now, what is with the thing with Raven talking to himself? Okay fair enough we talk to ourselves now and again but this sentence:

"When I hit him, he didn't activate his ability. . . if he had, he might not had taken the damage he did take," Raven muttered.

CRINGE. CRINGE. CRINGE!!

No one would mutter that to themselves lol. I just think it'd be better to keep that as a thought but it's your choice, just giving my opinion on how it made me feel. It was like Raven was trying to speak to me by speaking to himself, and that just crept me out. You're creating this weird personality for him which is straying from the consistency of his strength and leadership and it's just strange to read. 

Detail wise, it was epic. I loved reading the explanations about how drained they are, and the impact of what the scientists are doing to them. I just want to jump in and set them all free! How many ability users are down there?

It's a fascinating world, even though I'm not sure what kind of world it is, but I know they're in New York so it's still Earth aha 

What it's missing, is the back story into the powers. Why are they born with powers? Where are their parents? Do they have family? Did they live freely in the world before they were captured? How long have they been there? When did they become known to humans?

These are questions that should have been cleared up by now. Writing a fantasy novel is great, but you still need to explain how it all works. The gaps are frustrating.

Overall, it's a very interesting and detailed book. If you correct your dialogue grammar and understand how that works, then you'll be pushing near perfection. You're an amazing writer and some of your one-liners are beautiful. The pacing is fantastic, especially the thought processes, but you struggle with dialogue. The dialogue just feels rushed and unrealistic. Work on that, bring out your character development more.

You've got such a huge imagination to create this story, and I really hope it gets some recognition because you deserve it. Raven is a very complex character, and I'm just itching for him to get that light he keeps thinking about. 

Thank you for requesting me to read it, it was so interesting! 

Overall Rating: 7/10

Recommended: Yes!