Book Title: The Time Traveler 

Review: Free

Warning: Blunt. Like the bluntest of blunts. I'll apologize in advance, but I did warn in the introduction. You told me to go crazy, I'm going to go EPICALLY insane.

Blurb, Chapter 1

Blurb:

Oh my god, this sounds amazing! Like just from this blurb I'm pumped up to read this sxht! There's nothing more appealing than a naive young girl being given the ultimate power and uses it for her own personal games. Of course it's going to go wrong! I wonder if she messes something big up and can't get out of it haha I'm speculating! I love time travel. Time travelling is literally my favorite topic among any TV series or film. I'm more interested in past time travelling than future, because time travelling to the future can't screw up the world haha I'm excited! 

Chapter 1

I'm really sorry, but I have no other way to put this. What the hell was all that dialogue in the middle about? Literally, dialogue after dialogue, about stuff that I'd expect from a silly teen fic chapter. WHY?

I had NO clue which one of them was speaking, which one of them was reacting, NO CLUE. I'm going to show you how it all sounded in my head:

"ffneid woppofnfheuf efewnfioewnf."

"efneofjoefeif, efewfjefefefeofk?"

"mnneeefjef efnewifjeofjef."

"nefiewnfoefoewfewifeifjeofj."

"odfhdie."

"efnewifnewifnewfpeofe."

"hieeoewwifneifeofef dj."

"nefnewfnewifnewifef."

"odowjd?"

"kneid."

"inefewnfiwefniefnefn diejofeif."

"enfiewwnfeifn dlefewf."

"nidnefneifnef."

"dkneifnewif."

"eifewifneifnefiefijefojefjefjefjefjepofj eheifheifh."

^does that give you a head ache at all?

WHO IS SPEAKING? LOL Why isn't there any thoughts in between? Why isn't there any reactions? Why is there only dialogue after dialogue after dialogue.

You need to show who is speaking, EXAMPLE:

"You are unbelievable," I say.

"I know," she says.

"Should I reconsider?" I ask.

"Maybe," she whispers. 

Include dialogue tags, for the love of god, please include dialogue tags! And when you do eventually include dialogue tags, write them next to the dialogue not in a separate paragraph below it.

Example, you wrote:

"What?"

She asks me.

CORRECTION:

"What?" she asks me. <same line

Now, girl, the thoughts. The thoughts were bloody excellent. You can really write detail and use some awesome vocabulary, that's the talent I love to see! 

Why does EVERYONE find dialogue so damn hard? There's only two rules! 

Comma with a dialogue tag, example:

"Hello," she says.

Period with a dialogue action.

"Hello." She looks away shyly.

That's it!!!!!!

Breathe, Kaylee.

Moving on to characters. I really liked Addison and Em's friendship. They have that quirky, sisterly bond going on that made me smile. Even though their topic of conversations were annoyingly cliche and overused in hundreds of books, I got a feel from their characters and their passions. I think there might have been too many characters in a first chapter, you don't want to create a character-overload, and many different names were used. It's better to ease the reader slowly into Em's life, rather than pile on her entire friend pool in the introduction. 

That brings me to the biggest part of the chapter, the ending. Well I didn't see it coming! Who could? I thought it was a brave and marvelous twist, especially to happen so soon, but it was a little unrealistic.

For example, someone shouts: "Shit, call an ambulance!" < WHO said that? From your descriptions only the policeman and the person he was shooting at was there. Was someone else there? Witnesses? 

The death description was okay, not perfect, it could have been dragged out a bit more to show the effects of what is happening to her in more detail. What did it feel like when her soul left her body? What was she feeling when she looked down at her body? What was happening around her?

Take your time with it :)

I think this chapter focused too much on pointless dialogue. It was very long for situations that weren't appealing to me as a reader. That big dialogue conundrum in the middle literally gave me a headache so I couldn't concentrate on anything they were saying properly. I couldn't take it seriously because I had no idea who was saying what anymore. 

But the potential for you as an author is there. Not going to lie, the chapter needs editing, but faultless writing comes from experience and time. And help is given from people like me who are willing to be blunt to show you where you're going wrong. I'm not going to sugar coat this, I'm not going to say the chapter was perfect and emotional like many other bullshit critics out there that probably can't be bothered to even read it properly.

It needs work. 

I believe you can make it work. I believe that you have an outstanding and brilliant plot here that could in fact be an amazing book. I believe that your vocabulary and understanding of character development is excellent. I believe that you are indeed an author in the making and with the right direction can one day get this book published because it's an incredible and creative idea.

Just work on your grammar. Once the grammar is flowing correctly, everything becomes clearer for the reader and readers of an older generation will find it more enjoyable. For now it's probably young teens reading it that can't differentiate between correct grammar or not. Well I'm in my twenties and I can honestly say, when edits are made, this would be my perfect book.

Please follow and pay attention to my dialogue grammar guide listed above. Or there are several sites online to guide you. 

Do you think every author started out by writing perfectly? Absolutely not! My book "Grey" is in the process of being published and I'm still learning. I learn because I pay attention to what my readers say and what my critics find negative. Sometimes, I don't even have a clue aha but having that one person that will be straight up honest is the person that I might owe my entire career to.

I hope that makes sense o.0

I wouldn't spend this long rambling if I didn't see potential. I just need more of Em in the chapter. I need to connect to her, and not all the chaos around her. I am really fascinated to read about her journey and her escape from death, and I'm sure you've done your research into time travel as indicated in the opening paragraph--which was AWESOME by the way.

Will the day just keep repeating itself? Or will she be able to finally change her fate? Will she even remember that she's back in time or will she just repeat the day and get a strong sense of de ja vu every time?

Interesting!

Thank you for requesting a critique from me, and I really hope it goes well!

Overall Rating: 4/10

Recommended: Yes, when edited.