Sunday and here I am with the entry that belongs to chapter 23 and 24 in Bitter & Sassy. I hope you like it! I love Roger ❤ And new cover! yay!

Dedication to @MandaMers

Bel, xx

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Twelfth Entry: New Louis

Dear Roger,

Did you know you have a really cool name? Yeah, you’re amazing. I love you. And you know whom else I love? Louis Tomlinson. He is a complete idiot, stubborn, foolish, rude and kind of obnoxious guy I met a few months ago when I decided to go with Grimmy to a house party when I came back from Paris. When I met him, he had just recently broken up with his girlfriend and he didn’t take it nicely. He blamed all women for what one did.

See? Stupid.

He insulted me, but you know me, it’s almost impossible to actually hurt me with verbal insults. And although he was being a complete arse that day, I liked him. There was this impossible thing about him that just clicked inside me. Since then, I made helping him my goal in life. I thought it was only a challenge, but the tables turned and I ended up falling for him. Really hard.

He is still an idiot, he is still rude, and stubborn. I mean, he can’t accept there is something between us and he refuses to just go with it. But he is changing, slowly but surely. He is not the same guy I met in the sense that he can laugh now. When I met him he was so bitter you could almost taste it, but now he jokes and laughs with others. When he smiles, he can do it honestly now. You still see pain and fear in his eyes if you look carefully, but you also see a normal guy.

Everyone tells me about the old Louis, this guy with the Peter Pan complex, the one who always made everyone laugh yet he could be very protective when needed. Everyone wants him to be that guy again, but honestly, I don’t think that’s possible.

How can you be the person you were when someone broke your heart? I agree that you can’t lose your essence, but you grow up, you change and you will never be the same person you were yesterday. I believe Louis can be happy again, he can be his joyful being but I don’t think he will be the clown anymore. I don’t think he will appreciate people seeing him like that. He will be the funny guy, but not the laughing stock.

That’s why I’ve talked to the lads, trying to make them see that Louis will never be the same, but that if they keep asking them that, pushing him to be the person he used to be, that will only make things worse. They have to act normally, as if they accept the person he is now because that will give Louis space to relax and let his guards down. Once he realises how more comfortable is to be himself, without walls around him, he’ll stop being the bitter Louis and he will be only Louis.

All I want is for him to be free and happy, to stop hating on people and just let it go. I know it’s hard and that anger is easier to manage, but he can’t be like that for too long. It’s like being in war with himself. That can’t be healthy. So I really want him to just breathe and move on, and I really hope he does that with me.

I know the lads heard what I told them because Louis and Harry pranked Niall and the blond was really mad at them. Alex had to intervene and only then the pranksters left the room. I saw Louis calling Alex wife again and laughing with his friends, enjoying himself with that prank. That can only mean he is changing, that he is not the guy I met, yet he is not the guy the lads used to know. He is evolving into this new Louis.

And you know what’s funny, Roger? I see how much he wants to be himself. He stares at Niall and Alex with so much longing in his eyes and at the same time, with sadness. I wish I could know exactly what he thinks, although something tells me he is trying to understand why Alex hasn’t left Niall but Eleanor left him.

Honestly… I don’t understand that either. How could she let Louis go? Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful she did because I have a chance with him now, but seriously, how? If I were her, I would never let him go.

This is the most difficult battle I’ve ever fought and I’m only doing it because I’m in love with him, because he makes me feel like a soldier that can face anything. And when he looks me in the eyes, I swear I get lost. His eyes are so beautiful, so blue and expressive. He is gorgeous, end of discussion. But when he looks at me I swear I feel this force dragging me towards him, like the very gravity. I feel like the world stops around us.

How cheesy is that? I think I got a diabetic coma already. Please, don’t allow me to say something like this again. Ever.

Okay, I’m gonna go before I start saying more embarrassing things. We’re leaving to France and I can’t wait! I’ve missed my beautiful Paris. I really wanna go back there. And maybe, who knows? I can make Louis go with me to see the city, to those romantic and beautiful places I know… I’d really love that.

Time to go! I’m daydreaming again! Man, what am I? Fifteen again? Ugh, later, Roger.

Kay, x