Song: Alive by Sia

We don't talk all the way home. When we get there I go on to my room. I stay in my room for the next few days not even bothering to eat or come out. When I do my dad looks at me with sadness along with guilt and he tries to talk to me but I brush it off.

Everyone keeps calling me wanting to hang out over Christmas break but honestly I just want to be left alone. I am in my room when I hear a faint knock at the front door. I dread getting out of bed to answer it but whoever is at the door keeps knocking and they get louder and louder each time. I make my way to the door and lord and behold it is Sara and Bethany.

"Hi!" I say a little irritated when I open the door.

"Oh...my God...you are alive we were getting really worried about you," Sara practically squeals.

Really now, they were worried. I can't help but roll my eyes in annoyance. "What do you two want; I'm taking a nap?"

"Uhm...it's like two in the afternoon Ana...why are you napping. You should get dressed and come with us."

"Why?" I roll my eyes again, hoping they would get the point that I don't really care at the moment.

"We are going to Will's house tonight for the New year's party. You got to come."

"My dad won't let me go so you are wasting your time here." I start to shut the door but Sara pushes it back open.

"Ana...don't be so rude we are still your  friends you know."

"Are you? If I recall you two left me there. I asked you to go with me. I asked for you to fucking wait for me and you two left me there. Do you have any freaking idea what he did to me? DO YOU?" I bark feeling my face getting really hot.

"Ana...we are sorry...we didn't..." Bethany starts to apologize and if I hear her call me that one more time I am going to snap.

"Don't call me Ana...don't...just don't. We are not friends; you guys are not my friends." I start to shut the door again and Bethany starts crying.

"Ana, we didn't mean for anything bad to happen to you. We are both sorry...if we would have known..."

I cut her off fast, "Seriously Bethany, you know that man is a drunk. Either way you should have waited."

"But Anthony was there. We didn't think anything would happen. God Ana...we are freaking sorry. Please forgive us. Come on you have to come to the party everyone is going to be there and you need to get out of this house."

It takes everything in me not to punch the shit out of her. I want to scream and just hearing Anthony's name pisses me off even more. "I will think about it!" And I slam the door in both of their faces.

I don't plan on going to the stupid party. My dad has to work all night due to everyone will be out partying and drinking and driving and he wants to make sure everyone gets home safe and sound. I go back to my room and jump back in bed.

My phone goes off and when I see who is calling, I debate even answering it. It's been a while now and maybe it would be good to hear his voice. "Hello."

"Hey babe, the guys are all having a party later. You need to get dressed, I will be there to pick you up at seven."

"My dad is not going to allow me to go you know that," I start to argue with him.

"Ana, what is the worst to happen to you. Seriously, the girls called they want you to come. I'm coming to get you so be ready and I'm not asking you to go, I'm telling you to."

I click the phone off. Why can't people just leave me alone? Why do I need to hang out with all of them? Friends my ass...Sara and Bethany left me there; the whole freaking cheer squad left me and not just them but the band. We don't leave each other behind. I don't care to go to the damn party and I'm not planning on going.

But sure enough seven o'clock rolls around and there is a knock at the door. When I answer it Jake is staring at me. "Seriously...go get dressed."

I am still in my PJ's. "I don't want to go. And are you feeling better now? What now you can handle all the shit that happened." I turn around and go back into the living room.

"Your friends are worried about you. You can't lock yourself up in here like this." He avoids the last part. He walks past me and walks towards my bedroom. Of course I follow behind him.

He opens the closet door and starts taking out different outfits. I keep shaking my head no. I don't want to look flashy. I don't want people looking at me that way. I don't want to give anyone the idea that I am that way because I'm not. I end up picking out a solid black dress that comes up right above my knees. I still have bruises but they are starting to fade away. This week they are a fine yellowish color.

When we get to Will's house the party is on. Everyone is dancing and drinking having a good time. Jake fist bumps half the damn crowd. Yes he is pretty popular. He hands me a cup but I put it back down.

"Jake, I'm only here to say hi. I'm not drinking this shit."

"Katana, maybe this is just what you need to relax." He hands me a bottle of beer and the guys around him are agreeing with him. Hell maybe I should just drink it. I mean it's only one beer right. So I take a small sip and let the tingling sensation glide down my throat. I take another sip and another and before I know it the bottle is empty. Someone hands me another one. I drink it and I'm actually starting to ease up and feel so much better. Hell maybe I should have done this weeks ago.

He takes my hand and leads me to the din. There are several couples dancing with each other. A few of the guys are smoking weed and I am offered some. At first I shake my head no but then I snatch it from Drew and take a long drag. I cough up a lung but then take another drag. I stop thinking about the what if's...I stop thinking altogether.

Within no time I am dancing and I feel so lightheaded and carefree. The guys are all dancing around me and Jake has his hands all over me and I don't care. When midnight comes everyone cheers and kisses each other. Jake kisses me and takes me to one of the back rooms. We find our way to the bed and he has his hands all over me. When his hand slides down between my jeans, I freak out and start pushing him away.

"What the hell...come on!" He tries to pull me back towards him.

"Stop...Jake...dammit...just stop. I can't do this...get off of me." I start to panic.

"You're kidding me right."

"No get the hell off of me...NOW!" Scream as I push him harder and he falls off of me hitting the floor. I get up and straighten up my clothes and walk out.

I start to walk home. I always wanted to be with Jake, but now things are just different. I just don't want anyone touching me...like ever. My mind floods with thoughts as I walk home. It takes me a little while to get there and when I do all the lights are on. Damn.

My dad is sitting in the chair looking right at me burning a whole through my soul. "Where the hell have you been?"

I giggle, "Out with friends." I start walking down the hall and stumble into the wall.

"Dammit...Katana...have you been drinking?" He stands up and walks my way.

"Oh...daddy...it was one drink no big deal and I walked home so there...playing it safe."

"The hell it's not! You're only eighteen and you walked. Do you have any idea what could have happened to you." He stands up and walks over to me. I tap him on the chest.

"It was one drink...ok maybe two." I giggle again while trying to keep my balance.

He looks down into my eyes. "Two my ass...your eyes are bloodshot and you smell like dope. What the hell Katana, I will not have this behavior in my house."

"Oh daddy...let it go...you said I was just lying around the house anyway so I went out with my friends," I burp really loud and start laughing harder.

"Do you have any idea what could have happened to you?"

I smirk and when I look up to him he has two heads, my vision is blurry and I have to blink a few times but nothing works. "Nothing happened and even if it did I doubt it would even matter," I spat at him with rage.

"Dammit Katana, just go to bed we will talk about this in the morning."

"There is nothing to talk about daddy." I tell him as he helps me to my room and makes sure that I get into bed. I pass out the moment my head hits the pillow.

The next day he is up fixing breakfast and my head is throbbing. I don't want to go into the kitchen because I really don't want to have this conversation with him. I know there is no avoiding it. So I walk in and open the fridge to get out some orange juice. I grab a glass and then two aspirins. I try to avoid him as much as he is me.

He tries to avoid making eye contact with me, like he has been for the past few weeks. I sit down and grab a piece of toast.

"Your behavior last night was unacceptable. I can't have you getting wasted like that."

I roll my eyes as I take a bite of the toast. "It was just a beer dad, get over it."

"Excuse me but it was not just a beer. You were messed up and I will not tolerate that behavior in this house."

I don't say anything.

"Really do you have any idea what could have happened?"

"No I don't! Do you?" I snap.

"Dammit, you could have been taken advantage of...you could have been..."

"Say it! Say it! Please just say it. It's already been done." I throw the toast down on my plate. Forget this shit...I'm so over it. "You can't even look at me like you use to. Every day goes by and yes you talk to me but you don't look at me like you use too. I'm still your little girl. I'm still your daughter. Say it dad...just get it out there in the freakin' open."

"Katana!"

"SAY IT!!! I was raped...I was freaking raped," I cry out in frustration.

"Don't say that."

I stand up and slam my hands on the table. "WHY? Is it a bad word; I was fucking raped...RAPED! You get that? I will never be the same because he took something so special away from me."

I don't see his hand coming toward me but I feel the sting as it comes across my cheek. He hits me, my dad has never hit me before. "I don't want to hear that word ever in this house."

I hold my cheek with my hand and fight back the tears as my eyes water up. "Don't ever touch me again." I start to walk off and when I get to the doorway I turn to look at him. "You want to know what hurts just as much? You looking at me like the way you do. You don't see me as your daughter anymore, that is what hurts more." I sigh with great regreat, "Daddy I am still the same girl...I'm just trying to find how to deal with all this." I throw my hands up in the air.

His eyes fill with tears and he knows that I am right. Ever since I been back home he has been trying to talk to me, to look at me like he use to but it's there in his eyes. He looks at me like I'm a different person altogether. Me being brutally raped didn't just hurt me, it hurt both of us.