Song: Carry You by Ruelle and Fleurie

During our next therapy session we are all outside sitting around the fire pit. I hold on to my journal so tightly that my knuckles are starting to turn white. I don't like the fact that I was told to bring it with me. However, I look around and everyone is holding a journal or a piece of paper of some kind. Sarah comes out and joins us along with a few other therapists that I have seen but I don't know who they are.

"Good evening everyone hope everyone has had a great day. For those of you that have been here for awhile you all know that we come out here to try to let go a piece of our past. I have asked you all to write in your journals. Tonight you will pick out a page to rip out. Now I hope you will choose to read it out loud and then you will burn it in the flames of the fire pit. Would anyone like to go first?"

I listen to several go. I watch them as they tear out the page and hold it up to read. I watch as they hold it over the flames and let it burn into the night. I'm sure some of them have done this several times while here and are so use to it, like it's nothing.  Some of them tell little things, things that I could even tell someone because it's not that bad and then others tell the darkest things. I so don't think I can do this.

  "I'll go," says ReAnn. She stands up in front of the fire. I watch as she opens up her journal. She looks up at the stars and reads it without looking back down at her written words.

 "You said that I would be ok. You said that I would be fine. You said you loved me and that nothing would ever hurt me. But then there you were hurting me. There you were in my room. In my bed. Talking shit that I found repulsive, making me gag with your sick words floating in my head. There you were with your hands, touching me, telling me that I will be ok. That I will be fine. But I'm not ok. I am not fine. I will never be alright again. Because there you were in my bed and now you remain in my head. And even now after all you have done, you are still in my fucking head. You invade my thoughts in the nights when I just want to be so over you and now I will let you go, out of my mind, out of my head." She rips the page with such force and holds it in the flames, watching it catch fire, burning every last word. And I think to myself, wow that was deep.

ReAnn has such a way with words. I felt her pain and almost started crying. I watch as she sits back down and others around her pat her on the back.

"Wow...don't know who would like to go after that, thanks for sharing ReAnn," says Sarah.

"I guess I could go," says Dylan as he makes his way to the fire pit. He stands there with a folded up piece of paper and opens it up. He looks around to all of us and then back down focusing on the words in his hands.

"Why I do what I do. At first I started drinking because my friends were doing it. Then I needed more. I tried the hard shit; I tried it all. I guess I just wanted to numb the pain. I don't talk much about my parents. I thought, I thought if I could fuck up they would want me more. All they ever do is argue and fight and not just with each other. In their eyes I'm a waste...a joke. I heard it so much that I am just a fucking pest. So I thought I would do my own thing you know. I thought if I done enough maybe they would care but I was still wrong. See I'm here and they are there. I'm here because I overdosed on stupid shit. Meth took my life, my soul. Meth became my love, my addiction. I want it so bad, so bad right now. I hate talking about it because that is how bad I want it. My parents will never care about me; I know that now. I know that I will never amount to anything not in their eyes. But hey...look at me...I got a new family."

He stops to look around at all of us. "I got you guys." He crumbles up the piece of paper and tosses it in the flames then sits back down. Raine gives him a fist bump before giving him a half hug. He is right...this is our new family.

These people here sitting around the fire; they have our backs. They don't judge; they listen and they care. Our family.

"Well I guess since Dylan went; I guess I should," Raine says before giving another fist bump. He opens up the page and rips it out. "Time for a confession as always. You guys know me."

 He stops for a second and then rattles on. "You see, ever since I can remember I have had these anger issues. They say I can get aggressive but I have been working on those issues. I'm learning how to deal with my frustration but people just don't get it...it's harder than you think. See my dad taught me to stand up for myself and don't let anyone push me over. He taught me to be a bad ass because when he was a kid kids picked on him and he was not going to let that happen to me. When my dad died a couple of years ago it...it really bothered me. My mom moved on and met another guy. It just pissed me off. I mean how in the hell do you love someone for almost twenty years and not a year after he is gone you get married to some jerk. I mean what the hell. So yeah, I was pissed off at her for doing that. I was pissed off that my dad died. I was pissed off, so I set shit on fire. I got in fights and more trouble. I have a hard time controlling my anger but I am working on it. You guys are helping me work on my shit."

 He turns to give Dylan another fist bump. "You are like my only true friend man, thanks for being here for me." He then throws the paper into the flames. I am still trying to process his words.

I knew he had a temper that's for sure. I mean he showed it the other night throwing the chair across the room. But then he also has this sweet good side that I like. Two other people get up and talk but I am still thinking about Raine. I want to get closer to him but a part of me is a little scared; what if he ever gets upset with me.

Everyone has gone as usual I am like the last one to go. Sarah looks over at me. "Katana would you like to go?"

I so want to tell her no but I don't. "Do I have to read word for word?"

"No and you can rip any page out; whatever you decide to let go of."

I stand up on shaky legs. Thankfully I still have my crutches to help me keep my balance. I flip my journal open trying to decide on what I what to say; what do I want to let go of. My hands tremble trying to hold on to the journal. I look up at Sarah and then over at Raine before looking back down.

"I...I...thought once he was prosecuted that I would feel at peace but I am so far from it. Seeing him only brought back bad memories of that night. Seeing that shit eating grin on his face, the same way he gave me before he hurt me."

 I have to stop to take a breath and wipe a few of the tears that flow so easily. "I will never be able to forgive him." I shake my head as more tears come; I look up into the stars thinking maybe, just maybe Anthony is looking down on me. "However I should have told you that I was sorry. You tried to explain and I wouldn't listen. I couldn't forgive you at the time. But I should have said to you that it wasn't your fault. You can't help what your dad made you do. I'm sorry; I'm so sorry. It's my fault that you went to school that day with the intent to kill."

 I sniffle, my hands tremble even more. "If I had been there maybe, just maybe you would have only shot me and not the others. They didn't deserve to die. I did. I am the one who fucked everything up. Dear God, I am so sorry. I did it. I am the one who burned your house down. I...I...I...wasn't thinking. I was so messed up, everything was just so blurry and then the wreck. I should never had gone back to your house. I should not have been driving." I look up at the stars again; please if you can hear me tell me that you can forgive me. "God, Anthony please forgive me for the things that I have done for the things I have caused."

I feel arms come around me and hold me still. I was shaking so bad and Raine comforted me. "It's going to be alright now...go on rip the page out; let it go."

With trembling hands I tear the page out. I hold it in the flames. "I'm sorry I never meant for this to happen." I watch the page burn, all the way to my fingertips. I had to finally let go so that I wouldn't burn myself.

Raine pulls me into him and I cry into his chest. I hear as everyone claps around me and one by one they all come to me and pat me on the back. This is my new family, my new friends that never judge. They are great listeners and they are just there letting me hurt. They feel my pain. I see some of the girls crying. I glance over at Sarah and she nods her head in silence.