Author: siriusshinesregulus

Timeline: 1/11/2021 - 24/02/2022

Package: Juvenile Hermit

Chapters Reviewed: Chapter 1 - Chapter 3

Hi there, @siriusshinesregulus ! I'm sorry this review takes such a long time. I admit that last year was pretty crappy, and it got in my way a lot of times. And I'm sorry that I only managed to review three chapters so far. But hopefully this review will be worth the wait!

And I truly hope it will be helpful, especially during your editing. Please don't feel obliged to stick to this entire review, since most of them are merely suggestions. Feel free to leave an inline comment if you have any questions!

Anyway, since this is a Harry Potter fanfiction, I've given some additional opinions based on a Non-Potterhead's viewpoint while reading. The main target audience may be actual Potterheads, but I think reaching out to others will also do wonders. I hope these new pointers will help you as well, especially if you consider appealing to a wider audience.

P. S. The maximum score in this review is four. The overall score is an average of all the aspects (Scenes, Conflicts, Chapter Length, etc.) And lastly, the score of each aspect is an average of all the chapters (Chapter 1, Chapter 2, and Chapter 3).

P. S. S. Stay tuned for a surprise at the end of this review! Though this doesn't justify the delay that I've done, I hope you'll accept this token of gratitude for your utmost patience :)

🦀 SCENES 🦀

(3,467 out of 4)

CHAPTER 1

(3,5 out of 4)

There aren't many scenes in this first chapter yet, but I think it's strong enough to leave a lasting impression on the readers. The scene where Regulus begs Sirius to tell him a bedtime story is really heartwarming, and Sirius' hesitant way to accept it at once just makes it more hilarious. Potterheads always know that adult Sirius isn't one to stay true to his family characteristics, and it's good to see that he has always been this way, despite his tough exterior. Walburga's quick arrival, though, sucks all the excitement away at once. It shows just how authoritative she is over the Black household. No wonder the rest of the manor is just as gloomy. I also really like parts of Sirius' internal thoughts—it's like I'm seeing a hidden side of him, and I'm pretty enjoying that.

P. S. I've just reread this edited version after finishing Chapter 3. And I think I'm going to melt at Sirius' mention of 'bwuver' XD

But something more can be done for Sirius' internal thoughts. They might tell the readers quickly about the Black household, but the information doesn't sink in very well. Think of how some teachers teach—they might drone on with no real examples to support their lessons. It might result in the students' shallow understanding, and those things will take more time to stick into their heads.

One way to fix this problem is by expanding the scenes. Having actions or experiences in a story are more effective instead of just being told (or listening to paragraphs of Sirius' internal rants). Breaking down the thoughts with actions every once in a while will also help. These are just some of my suggestions though, so feel free to sort them through:

Example 1: With her long black hair, slender profile, and flashing white teeth, Walburga Black was a beautiful woman—or at least she would've been, if her eyes weren't as cold as ice or her face as hard as stone.

Suggestion 1: Since the passage's purpose is to highlight how intimidating and heartless Walburga is, how about adding more scenes of her being actually that? The way she finished Sirius' story ruthlessly already gave that impression. But maybe with her snagging Sirius' picture book out of his hands or maybe by ticking him off about his story choices, there are more chances to show just how unwelcome she is.

P. S. It's just something to consider though. Sirius' narrative in the edited version shows how she takes no joy in being a wife and mother, and I think it's heartless enough. Though real-life actions are also preferable.

Example 2: Sirius only had Regulus, growing up in the darkest of the dark manors—the Black Manor.

Suggestion 2: Since the passage's purpose is to highlight Sirius and Regulus' relationship compared to the rest of the Black family, how about adding more scenes to highlight their conspiracy? The way Regulus referred to Sirius as 'Si' and how he begged his elder to read a bedtime story already showed that. But maybe with Regulus tiptoeing across the dark halls to sneak into Sirius' room, the latter can tell him to stay quiet or someone might hear him. You can also make Sirius wonder exactly how young Regulus can find his way through the manor despite its cold, gloomy interior. A scene where the whole Black family gathers together for their dinner might also be a good time to introduce the siblings' mutual relationship—this is pretty tricky to do since there are plenty of names springing up at once, unless you only mention certain essential names like Sirius, Regulus, and Walburga.

Example 3: The gloomy and sinister atmosphere about it kept most people away.

Suggestion 3: Since the passage's purpose is to highlight how dark and unwelcome Black Manor looks, how about adding a scene where passersby think of the exact same thing? So far, there haven't been any facts to support this claim. Maybe Sirius notices how his parents' guests never stay too long for dinner, except for similar Pureblood-fanatic families like the Malfoys, Crabbes, and Goyles. I actually wonder how it keeps people away if the building is always hidden from outsiders, having been set in the Muggle world. I vaguely remember that it's hidden between two Muggle flats.

Another thing that got me wondering is the sentence, "Death cradled you away with him." The previous paragraph is about how hope is a dangerous thing—worse than both misery and death. The leap between hope and death is pretty far, especially since Sirius only thinks about how he's stuck with this horrible family in this horrid manor instead of a life-threatening situation. This is more like a question, though.

And the last thing I'd like to mention is the lack of magic-related scenes in this chapter. I'm sure that it'll be mentioned in the next chapters, but why not now? Even when Sirius and Regulus are still underage and they can't use magic freely yet, there are some other ways to establish that this story is set in a magical world instead of a Muggle's. Maybe by having Walburga or another Black perform a spell to warm the whole manor. You can also have Kreacher the House Elf wandering around. Or maybe some furniture in the manor is enchanted.

CHAPTER 2

(3,4 out of 4)

Goodness, what a heartbreaking chapter this is. I kind of expected it to be calm before a storm, but it turns out to be much more than that. I also just know about the day Remus actually turned into a werewolf. It might only be a simple mention in the original story, but witnessing it directly just makes it harder to accept. I've read plenty of turned werewolves these past few years, but this might be the heaviest to come to terms with. I even have to take a deep breath before continuing to type these down :')

Compared to Chapter 1, this chapter fares much better. It has more fleshed-out scenes instead of telling, especially during the wolf's attack and the way it changes Remus through the night. And it also shows some magic-related scenes, like when Lyall tries to heal Remus with Vulnera Sanentur. You've done a great job writing these!

But if there's one thing I can suggest in this chapter, maybe try to make a list for the scenes and fill in the gaps. Scenes always change whenever the characters move from specific locations or something occurs in a different time. I notice a few of them are missing, such as:

During the wolf's attack, the focus is more on Lyall and Hope instead of Remus, who's supposedly to be the most affected. There is no scene of him screaming or wailing at his parents. It almost seems like he does nothing through the whole ordeal, like he's being left out from the whole scene. Is he purposely written this way since he's a brave, future-Gryffindor boy?

After the wolf's attack, Remus' parents try to heal him in the garden. But all of a sudden, the scene moves to Remus' room, where his breath grows erratic as he lies on the white sheets. There's still no transition between these two scenes.

Another thing I noticed is how Remus' transformation gets summarized instead of described. It's one of the biggest turning points in his life—it deserves to be highlighted more instead of merely being grazed over. Though Potterheads know how Remus never wants to stay as a werewolf, this is one drastic transformation, and it's happening in your book. To be honest, if compared to Sirius' portion in the previous chapter, Remus feels more like an afterthought here. He's still not developed well, thus his presence hasn't been as relatable as Sirius' yet. These suggestions don't have to appear all at once, but a few additional sentences about these topics might help you to shape up Remus' personality better:

Example 1: From that fateful day, Remus had his transformations. He wasn't a cheerful boy who went to school and played with his friends.

→ The second line shows how his general behavior changes, but how about his werewolf traits? How does he behave in full moons? Does he feel a bigger appetite when it comes to food? Or does he feel an intense fear whenever he sees a suspicious movement in the bushes of his garden?

Example 2: Instead, he was a boy with huge scars, his nose always buried in a book.

→ This line shows how his face changes, but it isn't strong enough to express how dire this werewolf situation is. How does he look when he transforms under the full moon? Does his parents notice other physical transformations from him, such as bigger human fangs or a gruffer voice? How does he see himself during those moments?

Example 3: Remus wanted a friend. A true friend whom he could trust. A friend who would never judge him.

→ These lines show how he feels about the others' judgmental stares whenever he steps out of his house, but how about his feelings when he knows that he's a werewolf from that day? Is he scared that some time during his transformation, he might accidentally hurt someone (like in The Prisoner of Azkaban)? Or is he annoyed at how sensitive he is during moonlights (like in The Half-Blood Prince, before Bellatrix and Fenrir attack The Burrow)?

There's still some room for development in this chapter, especially regarding the focus on Remus. It's better in some parts compared to Chapter 1, but there are new issues to address. Nevertheless, you've done a good job establishing things up to this point.

CHAPTER 3

(3,5 out of 4)

I certainly didn't see this chapter coming. I know that the Blacks are horrible people (except for Sirius and Reg, of course). But to have Sirius all whipped up and locked in a wine cellar all day long... goodness, they don't deserve the title 'parents'. Luckily he still has a few good people on his side. Narcissa is truly one-of-a-kind, and I'm really happy to see that she plays quite a role in this chapter. She's not a character explored much in the original story, which is why I'm excited to see her portrayed in a new light here. Also, I like how you pay attention to the smallest details, like the familiar coldness of Narcissa's room, the multicolored bottles Sirius has always wanted to open, and even the Purebloods' snobbish attitudes. They make your story feel much more real.

Also, I had to revise my review since I noticed how your Chapter 3 changed slightly. To be honest, I really like the addition of the scene where Sirius and Regulus stick together in the party. Knowing that they already drink wine in their young ages also shows the readers how wealthy their family is among the community, which is a good subtle clue. Compared to the replaced scene (Narcissa telling off Rosier and Lucius), I truly prefer this one!

As for the suggestions I have for this chapter, most are still the same as the ones I've mentioned in SCENES: CHAPTER 1 & CHAPTER 2. Here are a few others I notice:

There's a certain pattern through these first three chapters I've read. At the beginning, the scenes are usually detailed and slow, which give the readers more mental images to work with. The other half of the chapter usually gets quicker—either filled with a stream of thoughts, tell-y sentences, or really short scenes—and I get the feeling that the story's purposely being rushed. Truthfully, I think it's important to have a balance between both. I prefer the first half of the chapter rather than the other because I'd like to know more about these characters and explore the world. Potterheads don't get a lot of time to do that since the original books and movies are all focused on Harry's storyline—now is only our chance to.

The Author's Note at the end of the chapter says that you removed James Potter's scene during editing because it was unimportant. I decided to find out what the scene was about through the comments, and I guess that it was about James and Sirius acting all rowdy (correct me if I'm wrong, though). Truthfully, I think it's okay to take it out since you, as the author, get to decide its importance. But the way it is now, there's barely any clue to tell the readers why Sirius is punished. It's like he's punished out of nothing. Maybe a few thoughts or recollections from Sirius about yesterday might be helpful. After all, he has no train of thoughts at all in this chapter—apart from how he learns to not judge something by its looks.

While Sirius has plenty of thoughts in Chapter 1, there's barely any in this chapter. While reading, I feel like an outsider instead of being in his head. It makes it harder for me to immerse myself in the story.

In my opinion, I think it's easier to relate (or sink in the character's shoes) if the readers stumble upon their thoughts every now and then. This doesn't mean the whole chapter needs to be an internal monologue. But dropping some thoughts at the right moments—right when the character strongly needs to say something in their head—makes a huge difference.

Example 1: Sirius' usually straight posture, though, was replaced by a slouch.

"Back straight, chin up," Orion commanded before they entered, his eyes sharp.

"He has a fever, Uncle Orion," Narcissa replied quietly.

"That, I believe, is not my problem," Orion said frigidly. "My eldest son shall not go into the room looking like that."

(This is the first time Orion is being mentioned. And the readers—unaware Potterheads like me and the Non-Potterheads, exactly—have to wait until the fourth paragraph to understand what his role is).

Suggestion 1: Sirius' usually straight posture, though, was replaced by a slouch. He suppressed a grimace when his father's heavy footsteps approached them, reminding him of his doom. It wouldn't take long before he found something unimportant to criticize.

"Back straight, chin up," Orion commanded before they entered, his eyes sharp.

(This is the first time Orion is being mentioned. And the readers—unaware Potterheads like me and the Non-Potterheads, exactly—only need to wait until the first paragraph to understand what his role is. Their strained relationship is a bonus information. This isn't the best way to write it, though, so feel free to adjust it to your writing style as well).

🦀 CONFLICTS 🦀

(3,8 out of 4)

CHAPTER 1

(4 out of 4)

It's good to see that you've established the story's conflicts well, even in the first chapter. It's clear that Sirius longs for someone to save him from the direness of his family. His only company is Regulus, who at such a young age, does little to relieve his stress. His family's expectations also don't align with his beliefs. As a Potterhead myself, I think it's good that you stay close to the original details, moreover with this being a fanfiction. Sirius might've only told us about his horrid family several times through the whole books / movies. It's interesting to see how much more detailed you are here.

I think even Non-Potterheads will be able to understand Sirius' conflict at some point. Being at odds with the rest of one's family is something many can relate with. Having to bear their parents' incompatible expectations is also the burden of many people too.

CHAPTER 2

(3,6 out of 4)

Having their child being forcibly turned into a werewolf is a nightmare for every parent in the Wizarding Community. I can't imagine how heartbroken Lyall and Hope must be when they know that—when the truth that their son is forever cursed into the aggressive magical creature sinks in further.

While his parents' struggles are obvious here, Remus' own isn't very clear yet. Since he's one of the main characters in this story, his thoughts should've mattered the most. The only thing being mentioned is how others give him judgmental glares whenever he steps out of the house. Other than that, nothing's too apparent yet. I think it's because this chapter still lacks the focus on him, and now the readers haven't really resonated with him very well. Even when he's still five when this happens, I think he's old enough to form his own thoughts, no matter how childish or clueless they might be.

Personally, I sympathize with both Lyall and Hope. But if I weren't a Potterhead and I've never come across Remus before, I wouldn't be as concerned as I am now.

CHAPTER 3

(3,8 out of 4)

Your descriptions of Sirius' suffering through this chapter are very strong, I can feel how bad his condition is. As if his fever isn't bad enough, he still has to endure the whip marks as well. Not to mention Orion's lack of understanding for his situation. Poor boy, his bad fate has gone too far. And he still has to survive in a party full of snobbish Purebloods. Now I'm afraid to see how his parents will react to his excuse.

As for some improvement points, I think there's a clue needed for why Sirius was punished the day before. The readers only know that Orion and Walburga are pretentious and cold-hearted, but we don't know how violent they are to their children behind those walls. Some subtle clues might help here.

🦀 CHAPTER LENGTH 🦀

(3,8 out of 4)

CHAPTER 1

(3,8 out of 4)

This opening chapter is approximately four minutes long. It's pretty short, but most fanfictions I've read tend to stick to shorter chapters than longer ones, so I think it's okay. Fellow Potterheads will also love this length since they don't need repeated information like who Sirius and Regulus Black are, whether they are Purebloods or Mudbloods, why the whole Black family acts like that, etc.

But if you also wish to appeal to the Non-Potterheads, then I suggest adding up the length. Expanding the scenes like I mentioned in SCENES: CHAPTER 1 will set more depth into the story while explaining some trivial bits about the Blacks.

CHAPTER 2

(3,8 out of 4)

This chapter stands at only about three minutes. I think this length is okay, considering that it only highlights Remus' transformation into a werewolf and how his parents feel about it. I've also gotten used to your short, yet concise writing style, which translates itself into short chapters like this.

To be honest, I feel that you can do so much more. You've got a solid story foundation for this chapter. But some things still feel underexplored. It's like the readers skip from one event to another without having much time to soak in the moment. Again, this might only be me, so feel free to take this with a grain of salt.

CHAPTER 3

(3,8 out of 4)

I love the additions you put into this chapter. There's more space for the readers to understand Sirius and Regulus' relationship, and their standing among their peers. I also think nothing's wrong with this chapter's length, but I sincerely feel like something can still be added. Chapters like this might appeal to readers with a limited time and those who want to finish reading quickly, but I don't think it'll help them sink further into the story.

🦀 WRITING STYLE 🦀

(3,5 out of 4)

CHAPTER 1

(3,5 out of 4)

Your writing style tends to be more concise and to-the-point rather than wasting on flowery words, which is great to keep the readers' attention. It also keeps your story progressing at a steady pace, neither too fast nor too slow. I also like how you choose to stick to simple terms in this first chapter, since dumping many wizardry words at once might be intimidating to read. The way it is now, readers will have a quicker time understanding things. You've also done a great job in varying the sentence formats instead of writing all of them under the standard rule (Subject + Verb + Object).

But here are a few minor suggestions I've got for this chapter:

There's one issue of two back-to-back sentences using a similar format and some repetitive words. You can pick either sentence to work with. Maybe consider taking out the same word and replacing them with another.

Example: Regulus hunched his shoulders—the cold returning—before moving out. With one piercing glare, Walburga slammed the door shut before returning to her chambers.

Suggestion: Regulus hunched his shoulders—the cold returning—before moving out. With one piercing glare, Walburga slammed the door shut and stomped back to her chambers.

Having too many commas might reduce the sentence's flow. An em-dash (—) or double hyphens (--) is a great punctuation to deal with this. It's smoother to use too, compared to the abrupt commas.

P. S. This punctuation is a bit harder to write in Wattpad since it's often mistaken as a hyphen (-). But changing all of them into em-dashes right before publishing the chapter sometimes works for me. Using double hyphens might help as well.

Example 1 (with commas): He wanted people to be happy, he wanted his parents back, but there was nothing he could do about it.

Example 1 (with em dashes): He wanted people to be happy—he wanted his parents back [too]—but there was nothing he could do about it.

Example 2 (with commas): The stench of tobacco that his father always smoked, the low voices in which everyone spoke and most of all, the emptiness, it resulted in clenched fists and stuttering hearts.

Example 2 (with em dashes): The stench of tobacco that his father always smoked, the low voices in which everyone spoke, and most of all, the emptiness—[they] resulted in clenched fists and stuttering hearts.

Example 3 (with commas): And one day maybe, just maybe, that little wish, would come true.

Example 3 (with em dashes): And one day maybe—just maybe—that little wish would come true.

Beware of run-on sentences. A run-on sentence results from two or more complete sentences being connected without any punctuation or the lack of correct one. It might give an awkward pause in the middle of the sentence or speed things up so that the readers feel like a Hogwarts train just passed them by.

Example: London's rain resulted in a gloomy atmosphere, the manor as a result of little heating stayed frigid, Sirius' family had stony faces, harsher than the coldest blizzards.

Suggestion: London's rain resulted in a gloomy atmosphere, the little heating in the manor, and the stony faces of Sirius' family—harsher than the coldest blizzards.

There are some words that shouldn't be in capitals, such as Manor and Hope. If you're unsure of which should be written in capitals and which shouldn't, Google will save a lot of time.

Keep an eye on repetitions since they can make a paragraph feel jarring to read. Someone gave me advice to stick to just one mention of that word in a single paragraph. If it has to appear more than once there, then try your best to replace it with another word. Or you can also move that sentence into a new paragraph. It might not seem like a lot, but once I proofread my revised work again, it looked much cleaner and smoother to read. I think it's worth the try alright!

Example: London's rain resulted in a gloomy atmosphere, the little heating in the manor, and the stony faces of Sirius' family—harsher than the coldest blizzards. Warmth was something Sirius craved for. Regulus was only an ember, dim and yet to glow, when Sirius needed a fire.

Suggestion: London's rain resulted in a gloomy atmosphere, the little heating in the manor, and the stony faces of Sirius' family—harsher than the coldest blizzards. Warmth was something he craved for.

Regulus was only an ember, dim and yet to glow, when Sirius needed a fire.

CHAPTER 2

(3,5 out of 4)

At this point, I've gotten used to reading your simplistic writing style. They make the story easier to follow. Your writing style also helps a lot in quickening the pace, especially during the wolf's attack and afterward, when Lyall and Hope are panicking over Remus. I also like how this chapter wraps up in the same manner as the previous—how both Sirius and Remus crave for someone to confide in. It does show how similar those two boys are, even when they face different problems and live different lives.

I've mentioned some suggestions in WRITING STYLE: CHAPTER 1. But other than that, the only thing that catches my attention is the use of both italics and bold to emphasize something. While bold is efficient since its stark color will attract the reader's attention, italics are more commonly used. They look more professional and subtle. Once you've italicized something, it doesn't need to be written in bold as well. But it's not something set in stone since all choices in a story are up to the author's preferences. It's just something I'd like to mention though.

CHAPTER 3

(3,5 out of 4)

Your tendency to write short and to-the-point sentences help the chapter's pacing a lot here. And I appreciate that you use many descriptive words in the narrative—it manages to show the readers what Sirius is going through, especially in the awful situation he's in. Rather than telling it like the previous chapters, I'm happy to see that things are becoming more realistic here.

As for my suggestions, most of them are still the same like I mentioned in WRITING STYLE: CHAPTER 1 & 2. But other than that, you've done a great job!

🦀 STORY BELIEVABILITY 🦀

(3,67 out of 4)

CHAPTER 1

(3,6 out of 4)

As a fellow Potterhead myself, I think most story elements in this chapter still stay true to the original. It's easy to believe that it's good fanfiction—you've clearly done your research well!

But from the viewpoint of an outsider to the Harry Potter universe, there are plenty of questions that got me wondering:

Like the issue I mentioned in SCENES: CHAPTER 1, this chapter still lacks the wizardry elements from the original story. The way it is now, there's almost nothing to set this story apart from the non-magical ones.

Like the issue I mentioned in SCENES: CHAPTER 1, there's plenty of information but there's still no proof to support them yet. Right now, the readers can only rely on Sirius' narration instead of witnessing everything themselves.

CHAPTER 2

(3,7 out of 4)

It's great to see a glimpse of Remus' past. I think it's pretty untouched in the original story since most of the focus is on Harry himself. I also think he's the most underrated one among the Marauders—compared to James and Sirius, who've got plenty of screen (or page) time. Anyway, I won't bring up Wormtail since he's an utter disgrace to their friendship *huffs*.

As for questions that make me doubt some things, I think it's regarding the wolf itself. Why does it attack out of nowhere? I've read somewhere that wolves are cautious creatures—they'll avoid humans and their manmade structures. Is there a certain reason why it's hiding in their garden? And does every bite immediately turn its victim into a werewolf? How urgent is it, if it never heals in the end?

Potterheads might be able to guess some of the answers since they're familiar with the series, but others might have a harder time believing this. If this is unexplained in the original story, then maybe you can consider coming up with something? Getting bitten by a wolf is a big deal, after all.

CHAPTER 3

(3,7 out of 4)

It's good to see that most of the characters remain consistent from Chapter 1 and the original story itself. I think you've done a great job in keeping track of them! This newly-revised chapter also shows more depth in Sirius and Regulus' relationship, which I'm very happy about.

The only questions I have in this part is:

It's hard to believe that Sirius is still eleven years old at this time of the story. Somehow I've suspected that since kids are only allowed to attend Hogwarts once they're eleven years old. I understand that circumstances force him to mature quicker than his peers, but the way he talks and thinks somehow shows that he's at least sixteen or seventeen years old. It kind of catches me off-guard. This is only something to consider though, since there's almost no exact snippet of Sirius' childhood personality (before Hogwarts) in the original story, and everything regarding him is up to your imagination.

Example: "To our eternal health and brotherhood."

As I mentioned in SCENES & CONFLICTS: CHAPTER 3, I think the situation which led Sirius to his punishment is still a bit vague.

I'm wondering why Narcissa leaves Sirius alone with Regulus during the party. She took care of him earlier, and she knew how bad his condition was. Why does she abandon him all of a sudden? Does she have to socialize with the others first before returning to him? There's no explanation of this, and Narcissa doesn't hint anything either.

What is the reason behind this party? Is it to celebrate Aunt Isadora's newborn child? It isn't very clear yet—Orion only mentions this once, and there's no hint in the party room since most of the guests are too busy bragging and showing off their attires.

🦀 READER'S IMPRESSION 🦀

(3,63 out of 4)

CHAPTER 1

(3,6 out of 4)

I think you've done a great job with this first chapter. It's pretty short and simple—there's one heartwarming moment that leaves the readers with no choice but to root for our main characters and scorn Walburga Black for her lack of heart. You also manage to capture Sirius' internal struggles very well—I especially like that analogy of hope and how he wishes to have someone he can lean on. It's a hidden side from the Sirius we've seen in the books and movies. And you've stuck close to the original details, which is really cool!

Some areas can still be developed more, though, such as the details to support Sirius' narration, the lack of wizardry vibes, and some technical issues. Keep an eye for your POV, since it still switches between Sirius' Third Person and Omniscient. This can be jarring to read, since just when the readers start to relate to Sirius, the narration switches into the author's, taking them further away from his thoughts. This chapter also mostly tells something instead of having readers witness the events themselves, and that might take them further away from the story. Potterheads have the advantage to dive into the original stories first and understand the whole world, but Non-Potterheads don't.

CHAPTER 2

(3,6 out of 4)

Reading this chapter gives me the chills! It catches me off-guard as well, just when I expected another calm chapter like the previous. I also start panicking with Lyall and Hope when Vulnera sanentur doesn't work on the wounds. One can tell how bad it is just by that.

I think this chapter's already got a solid backbone—it only needs a little more improvement in some parts for readers to sink in the full experience.

CHAPTER 3

(3,7 out of 4)

I think it's a well-developed chapter alright. I'm sure that the readers, Potterhead or not, will boil inside knowing what Sirius' parents had done to him. But at least Sirius still has a few good people at his side. It must keep him sane after all these years.

Compared to the previous version, I prefer this one more. The additions serve more purpose in the story now. There's still some room for improvement, but I think you've done a great job so far. Only a few minor fixes here and there will do.

🦀 BONUS REVIEW 🦀

(will not affect Overall Score)

COVER

One word for your cover: simply descriptive. One glance at it already tells me that it's a romance story between two males with opposite traits from each other (this is actually random, but Sirius' picture somehow reminds me of Snape in his young age XD). It doesn't exactly scream a Harry Potter fanfiction, though, since there's no Hogwarts in the background or magical elements belonging to the wizarding community. But feel free to take this with a grain of salt since only you, as the author, knows the main focus of this story.

BLURB

I also notice the renewed blurb, and I have to say that you've done a good job there! Most of the elements still remain though, especially the conversation snippet where Sirius questions Remus' intentions of returning to him. Personally, I like the lines that explain about the Marauders since it also sets the story's stakes.

But if compared to the four essential things a blurb must have—a main character, their goals, the stakes, and what happens if they fail to reach that—are still vague. The mentions of Fate, Destiny, and Grim Reaper don't explain much about the stakes. And the line where the Marauders face one big misunderstanding is also unclear. Withholding information is a good thing to make your story more mysterious, but keeping too much from future readers might just confuse them.

I also notice the lack of magical elements in the blurb—again, it doesn't really scream as a Harry Potter fanfiction. Potterheads understand it at once since their names are familiar, but Non-Potterheads might be clueless. I notice one of your readers just realizing the actual genre in Chapter 3, which means that the information about the wizarding community is still so limited.

PLOT

Aside from Remus' transformation into a werewolf and how Sirius tries to survive in his nonsensical family, I think the plot hasn't unfolded much yet. It's heading to a promising direction though, especially when the readers know that Sirius and Remus' paths are going to cross.

GRAMMAR

I think you've got a good hang of this already, which explains why you jump straight into the Juvenile Hermit package instead of the other one. But like other common Work-in-Progresses, there are still some minor errors to keep an eye for, like the uppercased dialogue tags, the punctuations before and after those dialogue tags, and missing words from some phrases. Nothing a quick edit won't fix, though.

CHARACTERS

Sirius: What to say? He's one of those characters who make my face light up whenever he appears on screen. And smile whenever he pops up between the pages XD His terrible past has only been brought up several times, and it's good to see a different side of him here. Though I'm shaken at how horrible it apparently is—he already suffers that much at eleven years old!

Remus: He sure is brave for a five year old. I expected his younger self to throw a tantrum or blame the others for what happened to him, but it's good to know that it's not the case. It still breaks my heart to see his current condition, though. No five-year-old (or anyone, really, except those heartless Death Eaters) deserve such a brutal attack.

Regulus: This little one interests me the most, to be honest, since he hasn't been mentioned many times in the original story. One instance that I remember him being mentioned is in the Half-Blood Prince, when he stole the Horcrux locket and left a fake one with his initials. He's relatively new to the universe, but I'm excited to read further about him. He lives in such a brutal environment—just like Sirius, after all. I wonder if he also grows up differently from the rest of the family.

WORLDBUILDING

There hasn't been enough of this yet since the characters mostly move in a confined space, like the Black Manor, Lupin Cottage, and the manor in Chapter 3 (is it Black's household? But how come Narcissa lives in it?). Same goes for the magical elements.

ORIGINALITY

It's not the first Sirius - Remus fanfiction I came across, but it's surely one of the most properly written. While the original author has established these characters and details for you to use, I think you've done a great job in writing them as if they're your own. From Regulus' love for storytelling, the day of Remus' first transformation, to Narcissa's multicolored bottles, there are plenty of new things I really like in this story.

🦀 SUMMARY 🦀

Scenes → 3,467

Conflicts → 3,8

Chapter Length → 3,8

Writing Style → 3,5

Story Believability → 3,67

Reader's Impression → 3,63

🦀 OVERALL SCORE 🦀

(3,6445 out of 4)

And that's a wrap! We are Soulmates is truly a memorable story, with plenty of unexpected aspects and alive characters. It feels bittersweet for me to stop reading at this point, but I truly plan on returning! I'm yet to get to the good parts, like when Sirius and Remus meet each other at Hogwarts, as promised in Chapter 4's title. And I'm yet to see more of Fate and Destiny's tampering in their lives. It's a truly potential story, likable for both Potterheads and Non-Potterheads alike.

Once again, I apologize for the delay, and I hope this review (and the bonus) lives up to your expectations. I hope that by delivering the review now, I can also help you with your major editing. Thank you for trusting this newborn hermit as well, and have a great day/night wherever you are :D

P. S. Feel free to submit another review request for the other chapters!