Author: conquestofthesomnium

Timeline: 11/10/2021 - 30/10/2021

Package: Baby Hermit

Chapters Reviewed: Prologue - Chapter 2

Note: Eligible to be a Juvenile Hermit if the Overall Score in Baby Hermit is above three.

Hi there! Sorry it took me a few weeks to complete this review. This month has been a real challenge, and it was difficult to find some spare time. My perfectionism didn't allow myself to work on this halfheartedly either, thus the lengthy word count XD Knowing how this story has a huge potential, I'm determined to help improve it in the best way possible.

I truly hope this review will be helpful, especially during your editing. And feel free to leave an inline comment if you have any questions!

P. S. The maximum score in this review is four. The overall score is an average of all the aspects (Cover, Blurb, Plot, etc.). And lastly, the score of each aspect is an average of all the chapters (Prologue, Chapter 1, and Chapter 2).

🦀 COVER 🦀

(3,8 out of 4)

P. S. Do keep in mind that this part is purely my personal opinion since I have no background as a designer.

If I ever stroll around a bookstore and find this on the display, there's a high chance I'll pick it up. The lioness' vicious eyes and its combination with the girl's image are enough to make me curious. I can't help but wonder what type of book this is, and I'll be so eager to flip it to the blurb's side to find out further.

But the cover's font makes me squint at some point. The author's name is a bit too small to notice at the first glance, and both the 'The' and 'Who' in the title as well. It might have something to do with Wattpad's sometimes-blurry cover resolution though.

Suggestion: If you decide to tweak it a little bit, try to make them slightly bigger, yet still smaller than the 'Lioness' and 'Roared'.

🦀 BLURB 🦀

(3,5 out of 4)

Your blurb has ticked all the checkboxes it needs: the main character, her goal and the obstacles that come with it, and what happens if she doesn't achieve her goal in the end. It's also short and concise, which is great to catch a passing reader's eyes. My favorite part is when you link it to the story's title: She believed that a lioness never gave up her den. It sets your story apart from the others and gives others something remarkable to remember, which is great.

At first, I already reviewed your old blurb, and I thought it was pretty vague. But now, I'm happy to say that you've improved a lot in this newer version. There is plenty of expanded information, such as, "The town she pictured to be a paradise turned out to be infested with injustices, corruption, and tyranny." And you elaborate more on Francesca's actions and her motives for retaliating as well--they were barely mentioned in the old version.

There are still a few grammatical mistakes in the blurb, mainly when you switch from past tense to present.

Example: Having their lives in imminent danger, the best choice was to leave. But that is not what Francesca had in mind.

Another thing I'd like to mention is that nowadays, most blurbs tend to use present tense to give an immediate impression of the expected story. I think it's something you can consider. In that case, feel free to change one of those underlined tenses into the form you prefer.

The last suggestion I have is related to redundancy, where several sentences convey the same meaning in a passage. You can either take out one of them, spin it into a different sentence, or even combine the sentences to maintain the blurb's suspense. If the purpose of this repetition is simply to emphasize something, I think it's better saved for the story itself. Readers only have a short attention span before scrolling past your book; it's important to get your point across without taking too much time.

Example 1: These two sentences refer to how Priene turns out to be different from what Francesca expected.

- The foulness of the place started unraveling. The town she pictured to be a paradise turned out to be infested with injustices, corruption, and tyranny. (Paragraph 1)

- The more she stayed in Priene, the more everything became clearer to her. (Paragraph 3)

- Suggestion: The more she stayed in Priene, more of its foulness became clearer. The town she pictured as a paradise turned out to be infested with injustices, corruption, and tyranny.

Example 2: These sentences both refer to Francesca's decision to stay back and help Priene instead of fleeing.

- ...Francesca made a foolish, stubborn, and ambitious decision. (Paragraph 2)

- She decided to stay. (Paragraph 2)

- Suggestion: Francesca decided to stay.

🦀 PLOT 🦀

(3,1 out of 4)

I. PROLOGUE

No score (doesn't move the story forward)

It makes readers curious since there seems to be a man, who's supposed to be on Francesca's side, scheming with his godfather. Though it's a brief snippet of their conversation, it's already enough to hook the readers. Betrayal is a common theme in stories, yet it never gets old. I, for one, will be interested in reading further to find out who this traitor is and what he has against Francesca. The dialogue at the end of the prologue is also very strong--it gives the readers something to remember your story by. And it leaves a lasting impression on your main antagonist as well.

II. CHAPTER 1

(3 out of 4)

This first chapter doesn't move the story much since it mostly introduces all the key characters, who are preparing to leave for Priene. It's interesting to know that they've finally let go of their doubts and grief after Tiffany's passing and how supportive each of them is to the other.

Yet, the chapter's hook can still be improved to tempt the readers to scroll to the next chapter. One suggestion I have is to let them expect something at Priene, other than the beach and mountain ranges. Maybe something like meeting Tiffany's side of the family, who they haven't seen in so long. Or maybe you can drop a hint of something suspicious going on there--perhaps during Luigi's texting with his fiancée, she alerts him of a strange news just coming from Priene (one that is related to the dangers mentioned in the blurb), and it unsettles the family a bit before the van drives away.

III. CHAPTER 2

(3,2 out of 4)

It's terrifying how the tension skyrockets the moment they set foot on Priene. Though the siblings seem to not notice that, at least a few key characters do, and it makes the readers dread what's going to happen next. Which is a great page-turner, if you ask me. Thus why it earns a few additional plus points, compared to the previous chapter.

If there's anything I can suggest, maybe it's about the story's pacing, which affects the reader's experience and their urge to continue to the next chapters. The chapter begins very slowly, with several philosophical paragraphs and Francesca's thoughts. But from the moment they set foot on Priene, the pace gets quicker--the characters have arrived inside their estate, not outside. Afterwards, it gets a bit slow again with Francesca staring into the distance and Frederico's visit. But it soon quickens again thanks to Frederico and Alfred's conversation about these... robbers (or mafia?) tailing the family from the airport. It becomes a bit jarring to read.

Another small detail I notice is when Francesca first arrives, she's sitting on the pavilion's wooden chair, staring out at the view. But the next paragraph shows her at the balcony. How much time has passed between both events? There are no transitioning sentences between the paragraphs.

I've seen a few beta readers commenting about this as well, and I agree with them. My suggestion is that you can try to add a few lines for the transition between the pacing and make it smoother to read.

🦀 GRAMMAR 🦀

(3,33 out of 4)

I. PROLOGUE

(3,8 out of 4)

Your grammar here is pretty good. It's clear that you've understood the grammar basics well. Your tense is consistent throughout the chapter, you've nailed the punctuations in most places, and your sentences flow smoothly, moreover with the simple word choices.

The errors I found are very minimal ones:

- A minor tense-slip (past → present tense).

Example: The white hawk is staring straight at his prey's soul.

Suggestion: The white hawk was staring straight at his prey's soul.

- A small comma-slip before a dialogue tag.

Example: If we should be partners there shouldn't be secrets.

Suggestion: If we should be partners, there shouldn't be (any) secrets.

P. S. I added in the bracketed word since it's grammatically correct that way, and it reads a bit smoother.

- At the end of the prologue, the last paragraph should've been combined with the previous, since both of them are about Gavino.

II. CHAPTER 1

(3,2 out of 4)

It's good to see that your grammar is pretty consistent in this chapter. You also maintain the simple, yet effective words, which help the readers to invest in the story more.

There are a few errors I spot here, which is understandable since this chapter is longer than the prologue, thus might be harder to edit too:

- Several tense-slips from past tense to present.

Example: She had the mind of a lioness and the heart of a woman... And that's the thing with her.

Suggestion: The first sentence is written in past tense, while the other in present tense. This can be spotted during a manual editing or with the help of another service, like Grammarly, Microsoft Word, or Google Docs.

- A missing word in a sentence.

Example: She contrasted herself so much that it makes you awe.

Correction: She contrasted herself so much that it makes you (in) awe. 

Awe can be both verb and noun. In this sentence, it acts as a noun, and it must be followed by a preposition such as in, with, or by. You can also go with a more common term like (fills you with awe). But if you'd like to use awe as a verb instead, then it'll turn out as, "She contrasted herself so much it (awed) you."

- The word 'spring' doesn't need to be capitalized, except when it serves as a specific event title, like 'Spring Break 2021'.

- There are plenty of missing commas, especially when you put an independent clause and a dependent one together.

Example: Her heart fluttered when she heard her father say it but her stomach hollowed with anxiety at the same time.

Suggestion: Her heart fluttered when she heard her father say it, but her stomach hollowed with anxiety at the same time.

Both of them are independent clauses. They can stand alone without looking incomplete. Another reason is because the 'but' is a contradiction to the first half of the sentence.

III. CHAPTER 2

(3 out of 4)

Your grammar and word choices here seem to be pretty consistent as well, equal to the preceding two chapters. And it's a good thing, since using simpler yet meaningful words will help the readers to understand the story easier.

But there are still some grammatical issues I notice here, such as:

- More inconsistent switches in your tenses. Though this issue can easily be resolved with the help of a proofreading service like Grammarly, I can't help but notice that your first chapter and your second have similar mistakes. The main tense in your story is past tense, yet you often switch it into present tense.

English rules state that the past tense is used for events that already happened in the past, while present tense is for events that happen in the present moment. When I wrote my first English story (P. S. I'm not a native speaker myself XD), I took those definitions literally. And when I ran it through Grammarly, tons of corrections had to be made.

I realized that in a story where the past tense is your main focus, those rules shouldn't apply. Instead, write everything in the past tense. Even though your character is supposed to be pessimistic for her whole life, avoid writing it in the present tense. And even if a character predicts something (thus using future tense, like will), write it in its past form too (would). This rather inflexible trait is one of the past tense's weaknesses, compared to present tense. But it simplifies the writing process, which is why it's a popular choice among writers.

- There are a couple of typos of Frederico's name. At one point, it was written as Federico, and another as Fredrico.

- This is more of a suggestion instead of a correction. But writers tend to avoid using informal words in their stories to stick to professionalism. It might be an accidental slip since your word choices are mostly formal and professional, though.

Example: ...something they don't wanna leave.

Suggestion: ...something they don't want to leave.

- Another suggestion I have is related to the use of other punctuations instead of commas. Modifying punctuations can be effective at times--if used in the right amount, it can improve the sentence's flow. An em-dash (or a double hyphen) is a good tool for that.

Example: Some think of the world as a beautiful place, full of many good and beautiful things, full of hope and love, something they don't want to leave.

Suggestion 1: Some think of the world as a beautiful place, full of many good and beautiful things like hope and love--something they don't want to leave.

Suggestion 2: Some think of the world as a beautiful place they don't want to leave--a place full of good things, like hope and love.

P. S. I switch around some words to make it flow better. I also take out the 'beautiful things' since you already mentioned 'beautiful' in the first half of the sentence [see Blurb → Redundancy]

- It might only be me, but I often read foreign words written in italics. Though most articles on the internet don't italicize al fresco, I think it's okay to write it that way since it's a common English term. I actually prefer to write it in italics to separate it from other English words. I'm not an expert on this part, but I'd still like to bring it to your attention.

🦀 CHARACTERS 🦀

(3,43 out of 4)

I. PROLOGUE

(3,3 out of 4)

You've developed these characters well since they seem so alive as I read their conversation. They feel like actual people instead of book characters. The way Gavino watched the younger man uncomfortably shifting around in his presence gives him an intimidating aura, and the latter a slightly weaker and hesitant one. You also use Gavino's Third Point of View (POV), which gives us more insight into his twisted personality. Writing from the antagonist's POV is also a good strategy to increase the stakes.

While I'm not a fan of characters' physical descriptions myself, I believe that it should be incorporated at some point, even in the prologue. The only instance I notice here is Gavino's old hands. When I read your description of the 'white hawk', I expected that it refers to what Gavino looks like: white hair, sharp eyes, and an intimidating face. But apparently, they're barely related later on. This doesn't contribute much to the plot, but it helps readers to imagine them if they're mentioned every once in a while. One purpose I can think of is to explain more about the young man and Francesca's relationship. By mentioning something like the young man's physical traits (one that relates to his age), the readers can guess how old they are and the way they think. So far, I only picture the two to be in their early 20's, thanks to the way the young man speaks. But other than that, not much yet.

P. S. The suggestion came with the assumption that you didn't mean to keep the characters mysterious. If you meant otherwise, feel free to keep the version as it is.

II. CHAPTER 1

(3,5 out of 4)

After reading this chapter and the prologue, I see that you've taken a lot of time and effort in developing these characters. Even though there's a somewhat unsaid rule that an opening chapter shouldn't introduce more than two characters (and I usually stick to it since I have a hard time keeping track of new ones), I don't have much trouble following Francesca, Luigi, and Alfred. They stand out from each other in their own ways--not only in physical descriptions, but in their actions as well.

There aren't any big issues regarding your characterization. But here are a few suggestions I have in mind:

- You mention Tiffany several times here. Most of the time, the flashback works well. But the paragraph where you explained how loving she was feels a bit unnatural, either because the previous line doesn't prepare us for the flashback, or the way it's written is different from the passages above--it gives me the same impression when I read a newspaper, while the others are written in a storyteller's way. And it also sounds like it's written by an outsider of the story, when all along, the POVs belong to the characters.

Suggestion 1: Combine this flashback with the previous one--when Francesca stares at their family portrait and wonders how much time has passed since Tiffany's death.

Suggestion 2: Sprinkle the flashback throughout the chapter, preferably through the characters' actions. Having Alfred hold on to something Tiffany made for him back then will hint that she was a loving wife. And by having Francesca and Luigi remember the days when Tiffany told them about Priene and promised to take them there, she already gives the impression of a loving mother.

- My second concern is about the characters' Point of View. At first, since the chapter's title is Francesca Du Pont and it starts with her narration, I thought that this would be written in Close Third-Person POV. But as I read on, it becomes clear that you're using Omniscient instead, so the camera moves from one character to another and we're seeing things from the author's eyes. Most of the time, this works well. But sometimes, I feel like the camera is zooming in and out of focus. Sometimes we get so close to the characters (like Close Third-Person), but then soon we snap out of it again as the camera distances itself (Omniscient).

Close Third-Person: "Nothing, papa. Just some... thoughts before leaving," Francesca replied. She wasn't about to tell her father about her nervousness. It might just make him worry.

Omniscient: Alfred's heart was becoming weak. He had been admitted to the hospitals in Seda multiple times last year. Luigi and Francesca were worried about this, but their father only said it was due to old age. Still, the children were careful.

- Another thing I hope to mention is to avoid head-hopping, which can be common whenever you use Omniscient POV. This happens when the camera switches from one character to another in a sudden or abrupt way.

Example: "It is. I'm just..." the woman couldn't continue her own words, but Luigi understood. He joined her sister in admiring the portrait of their family. He gave her a comforting pat. This gave the woman a little more reassurance.

Suggestion: Since the camera is focusing on Luigi, it seems jarring when he somehow knows his pat gives Francesca a little more reassurance. Only Francesca is supposed to know that, except when her body language gives it away.

III. CHAPTER 2

(3,5 out of 4)

I'd say you've done another great job in developing your characters here. I like how you show their deeper sides as well. For example, from Francesca's insistence to finish her remaining jobs before starting the vacation, the readers understand how hardworking and determined she is, just like Alfred. Character traits like these are the ones making them feel realer to the readers.

There are a few issues with Point of View, like the one I mentioned in the previous chapter. And I notice that you often tell rather than show the characters' traits, especially when you introduce them for the first time. Before that, here are a few of my personal rules when it comes to character descriptions:

- Describe the highlighted and significant traits of a main character to make them memorable. Instead of eye color, maybe something like what their eyes remind others of when they first meet. Or instead of a simple, stated trait, spice it up a bit by linking it to another purpose, like worldbuilding.

Example: He always wore a white Panama hat though he was bald.

Suggestion: Though he was bald, he always wore a white Panama hat to protect his head from Priene's harsh breeze.

- Don't waste too many lines on describing the side characters. At least two to three lines are enough. But make sure that it's shorter than the main character's descriptions so they won't steal the spotlight.

- Instead of dumping all descriptions in one paragraph, mix them with other sentences. It can be a dialogue or any activities that they do. It'll make the descriptions look more natural and less overwhelming for the readers to process. It takes away the monologue-y feels of the paragraph as well.

Example (grammatically corrected): Frederico Rossi was both an honorable and respected man. He was just the same age as his brother-in-law, Alfred, who was 64. He always wore a white Panama hat though he was bald. His eyes mirrored the blue sea--they were the most beautiful part of his face.

Suggestion: "Hope you've been well, Alfred," Frederico greeted as he looped his arms around his brother-in-law. The harsh breeze almost removed his Panama hat from his bald head, but he hurried to put it back with an elegant swoop. "I hope Priene lives up to your expectations."

- It's always better to show the person's traits directly instead of having someone else rant it over, even in an Omniscient POV. You have to train balancing between the showing and telling, though.

Example: Frederico wished his son had grown to be like Luigi and Francesca--the two children he so much adored.

Suggestion: You can have Frederico's son tagging along with him when they visit the estate, and let him interact with the siblings. The way they talk with each other will show how contrasting their personalities are. Or at least, their behavior alone will do.

🦀 WORLDBUILDING 🦀

(3,5 out of 4)

I. PROLOGUE

(3,5 out of 4)

Since it's still early in the story, it's alright to not delve that deep into your world yet. I only understand that it's set in our real world since this story falls into the General Fiction genre. But one thing that stands out to me is the faun--a man with goat resemblances, which is a mythical deity when I searched up for it. It doesn't get enough explanation, which makes me wonder whether it was meant to be a fawn instead.

II. CHAPTER 1

(3,5 out of 4)

I think your world is developing quite nicely. Seda looks so busy through Francesca's eyes. No wonder temporarily moving to a smaller town like Priene excites them.

My one concern here is that the information about Seda pours in only in the early bit of the chapter, and it's too much to take in at once. But if you do want to write it that way, then maybe have something memorable for us to remember about Seda. That way, it can always stick inside our heads, even when the overwhelming information (like skyscrapers, honking vehicles, and all that) fades over time.

III. CHAPTER 2

(3,5 out of 4)

It feels good to finally arrive at Priene along with the characters. Somehow it makes me feel like I'm there as well. Your descriptions of it are soothing to read, especially when Francesca stands on the balcony and watches the sunset. No wonder they don't suspect anything can go amiss in such a lovely place.

The reason why this section didn't earn a full score is because the descriptions only focus on the beach and the ocean, instead of the little town itself. In the blurb, you mention how Priene's townsfolk need outsiders' help to escape the dangers in their own town. And there are often instances of telling the important parts of worldbuilding, which is supposedly important for the plot.

Example (also grammatically corrected): "This town has been what it is right now ever since I was born, Alfred."

Suggestion: Have the characters meet the townsfolk first and understand how the whole place seems off, like a facade. That way, the dialogue above will make more sense for the readers.

🦀 ORIGINALITY 🦀

(3,63 out of 4)

I. PROLOGUE

(3,5 out of 4)

The dialogue between Gavino and this young man is the one I found most original. That, and your concise writing style as well. The betrayal theme isn't something new, but linking it to the characters' emotions is a unique interpretation of it.

II. CHAPTER 1

(3,7 out of 4)

It's unlike any trip-related stories I've read before. The trio heading to Priene to remember Tiffany and for a short-escape are a new combination for me. That, and the way the characters interact with each other are freshening to read.

III. CHAPTER 2

(3,7 out of 4)

Again, most scenes in this chapter seem original. From Francesca's admiration of her new surroundings to Frederico's warning of the family's impending troubles, you manage to write them in your own way, though these scenes aren't completely new either.

🦀 READER'S IMPRESSION 🦀

(3,5 out of 4)

I. PROLOGUE

(3,6 out of 4)

I've read many prologues before, but none leaves the same impression as yours do. It has a strong mysterious vibe--one that tempts me to read further. I actually haven't read many General Fiction books, but judging from others with a similar theme, I think your writing style is enough to set this story apart from the others. This prologue also fares in a balanced pace, which makes it enjoyable to read.

II. CHAPTER 1

(3,5 out of 4)

This is a one-of-a-kind first chapter alright. Though it doesn't advance the plot much, it helps the readers understand the characters' relationships, which is a plus point. Somehow I also see this chapter as a calm-before-the-storm moment. I also really like these quotes you put on the top of your chapters. They're really neat to look at, and they deserve another bonus point for aesthetics and thoughtfulness.

III. CHAPTER 2

(3,4 out of 4)

It's a neat chapter to read, with such beautiful scenery and an ugly twist. I can't help but dread what's going to happen to this family, especially knowing the title of the next chapter is 'Ambush'. There are still plenty of aspects to develop here--I get the feeling that you were so excited to race through the plot, which was why the backstories were explained in a rush.

P. S. I can't help but guess if Frederico's son is the traitor in Prologue. The way he achieves lower than his parents' expectations and constantly being compared to his cousins somehow give me that impression.

🦀 SUMMARY 🦀

Cover → 3,8

Blurb → 3,5

Plot → 3,1

Grammar → 3,33

Characters → 3,43

Worldbuilding → 3,5

Originality → 3,63

Reader's Impression → 3,5

🦀 OVERALL SCORE 🦀

(3,47375 out of 4)

And that's the end of this review! Since your Overall Score is bigger than three, your book's ready to be a Juvenile Hermit. The Lioness Who Roared has covered all the basics of a good story. It only needs a few improvements in the aspects shown above, like Plot, Grammar, and Characters. But do let me know if you're interested in asking for a Juvenile Hermit's review as well--I'll add this story back in the Queue and inform you of the additional payment later on.

That being said, have a great day or night wherever you are! It's such an honor to review your story, and I look forward to returning in another chance. Feel free to leave any feedback, and thank you for trusting this newborn hermit as well :D

Review by Mich 🦀
michh_44