Author: CrystalCallistral

Title of Work: The Gunner and the Florist

Package: Silver Egg Package

Reviewed: Chapters 1-6

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0 out of 5

The cover isn't visually appealing to me. The 3D models look a little out of place, so I wish that all the elements looked a little more natural rather than having all of them added on. They just don't mesh well together and because of the font choice and background, it's a little difficult to read the title and your name on the cover. I also don't get a sense of what genre it is based on the different elements incorporated.

1 out of 5

I had a lot of questions after reading the blurb. Why is Lennox secretive? Are him and his brother hiding from something or someone? Are they trying to escape their past? I thought this word choice sparked more question rather than intrigue. Ensure that your descriptions are meaningful and contribute to the summary so that it builds upon the rest of the summary.

Who is the Verita Aser? And how can a florist make a difference in the war? When you introduce elements that are unknown to the reader, you have to be careful of bringing in words, terms, titles that may not make sense to the reader. If it's essential to include, a brief explanation should be provided. Is the Verita Aser a group of individuals or an individual? Are they oppressive? Using keywords like oppressive or domineering can be useful because it helps establish what relationship is there.

"In a world where everyone has a secret to keep, post-disaster Britain..." > I feel as though this should be an introductory sentence. We don't know where the story takes place, so it should be established as soon as possible for the reader. 

Overall, I don't understand what the stakes are, what the real conflict is, and what the consequences are if she doesn't succeed in uniting the two races. Think of it along this framework: [character] has to [action A] in order to [resolution]. You've introduced Lennox but the summary sort of drifts away from him into this broader view. Something that helps me put together a blurb is to map out the major plot points.

For payment, you'll see that you needed to read my story, Dance of the Dragons. In the final paragraph of the blurb, you'll see that the conflict is becoming the Empress and being accepted as the Emperor's mate. This is the overall conflict and there is an implication that she'll lose it all if she fails. Determine what's most important, what motivates the characters, and what's at stake and the rest should come easily. If you have difficulty, I recommend looking at the backs of books in your genre to get an understanding of tone, ambiance, and structure.

1 out of 5

The opening hook didn't inspire me. It's missing an oomph that motivates me to keep reading. I think what would really help is if you provided a little bit of description of what's happening and maybe interject some of the character's thoughts to make it more personable rather than just two individuals having a conversation.

7 out of 10

I thought the story was reasonably paced. It was easy to follow along. I do wish there was a little bit more action to keep the interest up!

5 out of 10

In Chapter 1, it felt like Lennox's introduction was being force fed to me because you introduced him by his first and last name. There's a way of weaving it into the narrative without it sounding unnatural. Perhaps someone could address his mother as Mrs. Kendrick-Carson or maybe there's a sign or documents with their name on in later in the scene? Something that makes it more natural. I see you do this in Chapter 4, so you could certainly keep that in and remove it from Chapter 1.

I felt like Lennox was a little underdeveloped after reading Chapter 1. I don't get a sense of who he is. In contrast, I thought you did a good job with Ren. His voice is very distinct in Chapter 2 and I get a sense of his personality, his mannerisms. Whether he's likeable, that's another story. I tend to not like incredibly arrogant characters like these, but it's the arrogance that makes his voice distinct from Lennox, which is incredibly important when you have stories that use 2+ POVs, so really good job there.

4 out of 10

There were times when there wasn't enough description and it wasn't consistent throughout the chapters. In Chapter 1, there's not enough character description for me to be able to properly visualize the characters or the setting. I do want to note that you should be mindful of introducing description in lists because it can get lengthy. I would follow the level of detail you have in Chapter 2 because that's where it's really really good. And ensure your description doesn't overwhelm the narrative like in Chapter 3. For example, when Ren is collapsing into the chair dramatically, the description is a bit over the top. That much detail doesn't need to go into the chair. Instead, delegate to something else, a couple of elements in the scene around him or even a character he's talking to.

Inanimate objects that don't hold a lot of importance, like chairs, don't really need this level of description unless you're using it to set the tone. For example, architecture can be used to describe the time period and allude to what resources are available in that time.

In terms of word choice, I like that there is a diverse collection of words that you use in throughout the chapters I've read. You've done an excellent job with avoiding repetition, which is one of the hardest things to do with description.

7 out of 10

I thought the dialogue sounded very natural and it was easy to follow along with the conversations. I loved that you supplement your dialogue with some character thoughts. I just wish there was a bit more of body language and facial expressions because you do a wonderful job with inserting character thoughts and capturing their tone in a way that suits the moment.

I did think in the first chapter there is an imbalance of dialogue and narrative. I think this could be fixed by adding more character/setting description as explained in that section.

9.5 out of 10

Chapter 1

↣ Are there words missing in this phrase, "Once pristine wooden shelves..."? It reads a little awkwardly like a word or two is missing.

Chapter 3

↣ There is an extra space in this sentence, ["...while Eris will be our strike force,"  Ren's leader drawled...].

Overall, great job with the proofreading. Few to no errors!

4 out of 10

I think you've got a good start here. But there are some things lacking, one of which being description. I think Ren is a little bit more developed, it seems, because there's so much detail when it's being told from his perspective. I wish the same level of detail was applied to Lennox because he's the main character! Be mindful of how you implement your descriptions because you don't want it to appear as an infodump or detract from the story. Remember, you don't have to include everything you've built into the story before the ending. You can do it bit by bit throughout the story or over the course of a series (if you choose to go that route). A lot of writers ask me "how much is too much?" There's not really a definitive answer for this. But, I think if you're providing more information other than what something is, then it's too much information. For example, going back to the chair's description. Do we need to know what it looks like? Does the plot depend on it? That information isn't really essential to the reader and it can derail the story.

Another thing that would have improved my enjoyment of the story would be add a little bit more action in the story. Something to help turn the tides and keep the reader on their feet. There were times where I was pulled out of the story itself because I felt like it needed more movement and less talking/interacting with other characters.

Another difficult decision you have to make is how you want your blurb and cover to appear as well as your opening hook. As it stands, these three elements are holding your story back and preventing it from being the best it can possibly be. Consider reframing your opening hook so it starts with something significant.

As I always tell my clients, this isn't to say it wasn't a great story. Everyone always has something they need to work on, so don't take the low scores to heart. No one ever has a perfect story, it takes a few helpful people and an author's ambition to get it to where they want to be. So, don't be afraid to make mistakes or ask yourself questions when you come to those difficult decisions. I do hope you take my suggestions into consideration because I think it would really help elevate your story.

You don't have to apply all of my suggestions, but I tried to give as many examples and ask as many questions as I could to help you brainstorm about what could have been done better. I wish you the best of luck in your writing endeavors!

~ Wera

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