Reviewer's Note: Hi Kryssa, thanks so much for requesting me. I wanted to leave a note in the beginning of this chapter so that you are aware that I've marked the sections that I have added or updated to your Bronze Egg tier review. Those that aren't marked are things that remain unchanged and I didn't have any additional comments. Hopefully, this will help streamline what's different from my initial review of your book.

Without further ado, I hope you enjoy this review!

Author: KryssaStevenson

Title of Work: Shadowed by Moonlight

Package: Silver Egg Package (upgraded)

Reviewed: Chapters 1a-c, 2a-c, 3a-c, and 4a

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1 out of 5 [ADDED]

I like the color scheme of the cover, but I don't think it's a good fit for this amazing story! I think you need to incorporate more fantasy elements because it's too realistic at the moment and doesn't allude to what genre the story is! Another thing to keep in mind is using white text on an especially light background. It can make things difficult to read, and the reader needs to be able to see your name and the subtitle!

5 out of 5 [ADDED]

I think this is a good example of a good blurb. You've introduced the character, the stakes are clear, and you also got some good comps to seal the deal. I don't have anything to suggest, I think this captures a lot of relevant information and is a reasonable length. Great job!

2 out of 5

The opening hook was okay. I think because you're trying to sell this "perfect" image of Masina, it's not really personable or inviting. It's almost too "perfect." You want to ensure your opening is different from most, and I don't really get that feeling here. Perhaps it could be resolved by adding a bit about her culture or starting with a distinct memory.

8 out of 10 [UPDATED]

In the first chapter, I was confused because after the line about "suitors that wrapped around the island", it goes into first person. It was very jarring because I was under the impression that it was going to be third person for the whole story. Since it's not, I think that it's important to establish who the speaker is in the beginning of the story and that may help fix your opening hook issue.

I thought the pacing was comfortable and the overall plot interesting and unique. I liked the cliffhangers and thought they were appropriately placed.

10 out of 10 [ADDED]

Toaolelā: I think he's a very complex character who anyone can relate to. People will siblings will be able to understand what it's like to fall second to that "star" sister or "star" brother. And that's what I think is so compelling about his story. His jealousy is apparent in the chapter 1(a), but we see it fester more as the story goes on, and I think you do this at a great pace and with great detail.

Masina: I know the focus is on Toaolelā, but a part of me wanted to know more about her. Perhaps see things from her perspective, though that's something I want as a reviewer, not as a reader. I think as a reader, we're able to piece together her personality through Toaolelā's eyes, though it would be interesting to see a confrontation between the two of them so he can see there's more to her than being a person who could be better than him. Though I like how she seems to be unaware of her own achievements, it makes her a little naive which I think enhances the story. I think it would be less exciting if she were arrogant and took every moment to show why she's better than Toaolelā.

I think you should be very proud of the characters you've created because they have so much depth to them. Each character is introduced and described so meticulously, it's easy for the reader to picture everything that's happening and relate to everything these characters are experiencing.

10 out of 10 [UPDATED]

I think the world building is a good start. I like that I can't tell what's real and what's fiction. The creatures incorporated are unlike anything I've read in mythology-inspired stories, so it's very intriguing!

You do well with explaining new concepts and terms in a way that's not overwhelming to the reader. There's always this longing to learn more about the world, but it's given at a reasonable pace and in fragments. Overall, one of the best well-developed worlds I've seen.

9.5 out of 10 [UPDATED]

I think you did a great job with describing the demons and the individuals, just be careful of how you provide your description of Masina, it starts to come off a little list-like. Overall, I think there's a good balance between description and narrative, and appreciate that you define concepts as they appear.

In Chapter 1(b), what does Havaiki look like? You note that he looks up at the carved image of the light god, but I'm curious to know what he looks like. Or is it based off an existing deity?

In chapter 1(c), I wanted to point out that I loved your description of the demons. Your word choice really creates a thrilling narrative that I love to see in fantasy books! On the same note, I think you do a wonderful job showing the chaos in the village when these creatures alive. I like that there's a mixture of emotions and it's not just people screaming while running around.

10 out of 10 [ADDED]

Overall, I thought the dialogue sounded very natural and I loved that you incorporated words from the culture. As I mentioned previously, I like that you don't italicize words in other languages. We really ought to normalize that, so I think it's unnecessary to italicize. I think it really makes your story more beautiful and highlights PI culture in a rewarding way.

Another element that helped make your dialogue natural is how you supplemented it with details about the character's body language, facial expressions, and tone. All of these really add depth to you characters and make each of their voices unique.

7 out of 10 [ADDED]

Overall:

Be mindful of your commas and periods surrounding dialogue. There are times when the commas should be periods. Best way to figure that out is to determine whether it is a dialogue tag (e.g., said, explained, threatened, yelled, etc.). If it's just an action, chances are that it just needs to be a period and not connected with a comma. I didn't correct all the instances, so you should re-review to vet through them.

Chapter 1(a):

↣ Be careful of switching between present and past tense in the beginning of this chapter. One notable instance I saw was the sentence beginning with "I wonder if everyone would still love her..." and "I've been sitting through those meetings..."

↣ When Masina says good morning and you follow up with the dialogue tag "she sang", are you referring to the next line of dialogue she says or is she singing "good morning" to him? I think if it's the first, you should end it with a period.

Chapter 1(b):

↣ I had a question and it's a stylistic choice. Should titles like "high chief" be initial capped to signify the importance of status? Perhaps it can be done in dialogue too, but something to think about.

↣ There needs to be another return after the paragraph that begins with "Outside I heard flow blows of the..." Looks like the formatting got messed up.

↣ There should be a comma instead of a period in this dialogue, "Agreeable."

Chapter 1(c):

↣ There's an extra space in this sentence, "With the danger gone, I felt my body  relax as I..."

Chapter 2(a):

↣ There's an extra space before this line begins, "Alani, who was about to leave with high chief..."

Chapter 2(b):

↣ I think there should be a period instead of a comma in the beginning of this line, "I frowned..."

↣ I think there should be a period instead of a comma in this sentence, "He started looping the twine..."

Chapter 2(c):

↣ I think there should be a period instead of a comma in this sentence before the dialogue, "The woman gave me a wild smile..."

↣ I think there should be a period instead of a comma at the end of this sentence, right before the next dialogue, "...clearly amused at my discomfort..."

↣ I think there should be a period instead of a comma at the end of this sentence, right before the next dialogue, "I demanded..." because it sounds like he's demanding the next line and not the question. Unless that is your intention.

Chapter 3(a):

↣ See comment in Overall.

Chapter 3(b):

↣ See comment in Overall.

Chapter 3(c):

↣ See comment in Overall.

Chapter 4(a):

↣ See comment in Overall.

8 out of 10 [UPDATED]

Despite the opening hook, I think you've got a really interesting and compelling story! Three things you should consider working on is your cover, opening hook, and those bits of grammar. A cover and an opening hook are some of the first things Wattpaders look at when they determine whether they want to read a story. You have such a compelling story, your cover and opening hook should reflect that as well! Best way to determine what's best for you is to select important elements, symbols from the story. And look at fantasy covers of published books to get an idea of color schemes and moods.

For the opening hook, I recommend starting with a scene (can be a memory/flashback or something happening in the present) to really drive home that feeling of inadequacy for Toaolelā and reduce that "telling" of the story.

You don't have to apply all of my suggestions, but I tried to explain as best I could about what could have been done better for things that needed improvement. I wish you the best of luck in your writing endeavors!

~ Wera

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