Author: BrutalRice

Title of Work: Say it is love

Package: Silver Egg Package

Reviewed: Chapters 1-4

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0 out of 5

The cover isn't visually appealing to me. The text doesn't mesh well with the color scheme and most of the text is hard to read or can't be read at all. Although I do get a sense that this is a romance novel, I think that the cover needs to be updated to ensure all the visual elements are visual and mesh well together.

I recommend searching through Wattpad cover shops or looking at published romance novels to get a sense of what kind of cover you should shoot for.

0 out of 5

The blurb isn't very inspiring. It's missing a lot of key elements and is told in a rather distanced way. What do I mean by distanced? It reads as though there are some things that are underdeveloped or perhaps you're trying to generate too much mystery for the story to entice the reader to read more. Unfortunately, it's doing the opposite and doesn't provide enough information to give the reader an idea of what the story will be about. We can assume it's romance because of the cover, tags, and the mention of the two male characters in the blurb, but you need to take it a step further and make it less vague. What is the "wild story" and what are these "inner battles"?

Overall, I don't understand what the stakes are, what the real conflict is, and what the consequences are if she doesn't succeed in uniting the two races. Think of it along this framework: [character] has to [action A] in order to [resolution]. Something that helps me put together a blurb is to map out the major plot points.

For payment, you'll see that you needed to read my story, Dance of the Dragons. In the final paragraph of the blurb, you'll see that the conflict is becoming the Empress and being accepted as the Emperor's mate. This is the overall conflict and there is an implication that she'll lose it all if she fails. Determine what's most important, what motivates the characters, and what's at stake and the rest should come easily. If you have difficulty, I recommend looking at the backs of books in your genre to get an understanding of tone, ambiance, and structure.

The excerpt provided also isn't enough to make me understand why I should read this book. If you're going to incorporate excerpts, ensure that your content is strong and unique from other books. And doing this just takes practice so don't be afraid of a little trial and error!

3 out of 5

I think the opening hook is fine. I like that you've set the tone of the story immediately. I get a sense of the MC's pessimism, which seems to be an important element of the story considering you've incorporated it into the blurb as well.

I think one way to take it a step further is to show how this isn't fun for him. Perhaps open with a scene where he's being teased by others or maybe he's observing it happening to another individual, maybe a friend or just someone he knows who isn't in the "popular kids" group. It would help paint a vibrant picture for the reader and help you move away from "telling."

3 out of 10

The story's pacing was ok. But the lack of setting description makes it difficult to understand how much time is passing from chapter to chapter. I think if you add more description and make things sound more natural, it will improve the pacing overall.

In terms of the plot, I feel like there needs to be more movement going on. More conflict. You're on the right track with the cliffhangers at the end of every chapter and bringing in the bully. I need something that makes me think this is different from most high school romance novels. What makes your story different? What makes it unique?

3 out of 10

I thought both characters were a little static, meaning they weren't very developed. I think it would help for you to sit down and write down what you know about each character. Really get inside their minds to ensure you're making their voices strong and distinct. What are their motivations? What sets them apart from each other? You were on the right track in the beginning of Chapter 1, just ensure you're maintaining it throughout the story.

3 out of 10

There was little to no setting description in these first four chapters. I didn't believe that this took place in a school because there wasn't much to go off from. Every school looks different from the next, so you want to ensure you're dedicating a couple sentences here and there so that you can illustrate the change in scene as the character is moving from area to area. It's really important because otherwise all we see are the characters.

The character description needs some work. I can see you tried to do that, but at times, it came off as a little unnatural. When you describe the green eyes as "lawn green" looking into the brown ones, that's where it becomes unnatural. Is there a way to weave the description in so it doesn't distract the reader. If you need some examples, feel free to check out my blog post here on character appearance (link is in the in-line comment)! Although it's for historical fiction, it can apply to other genres as well.

3 out of 10

I thought the dialogue sounded unnatural in multiple places. Although it was easy to follow along and not get lost with who was saying what, I felt like there was too much repetition and not enough emotion. For example, when Cody meets Henry, he stutters every time he talks. Unless he has an actual speed impediment, I think it would be useful to not use this every time. It's normal to be nervous around someone you like, but it's not common for someone to stutter with every line if they don't have the condition. There are other ways to portray his anxiety - body language, facial expressions, tone. What is body language like when he's around Henry, does he tremble? Is he aloof?

Making dialogue sound natural can be difficult. I recommend reading these lines out loud as though you are these characters. If you still can't hear the difference, you might consider checking out romance novels or even dramas to get an idea of how characters speak and behave around their love interest. It also helps to draw from individuals you know in real life. How do you interact with someone you're interested in? How do you the people in your life react?

Another issue I found is that there's a lot of dialogue, which doesn't provide a proper balance for the narrative. You do a great job of interjecting character thoughts, but there's a point where it becomes too much. You want to ensure you're painting a vivid enough picture that the reader can picture the scene well, not just the characters.

5 out of 10

Chapter 1

↣ Be careful of switching between past and present tense. If you've chosen a tense, it's important to stick to it as it can be jarring to the reader. You do this in the second paragraph (going from "was" to "it's").

↣ Did you mean to say "tears were forced" instead of "tears were forcing"? This sentence does read a little awkwardly, so you may want to consider rephrasing it completely. Perhaps he feels the sting of tears in his eyes?

↣ What do you mean by "I swapped it off"? This phrase doesn't make sense.

↣ When describing height, it's recommended that you write it out rather than use the measurement symbols.

↣ There is a period missing at the end of this chapter, along with an end quote. 

Chapter 2

↣ Anxiety doesn't need a capitalization in this sentence, "Thanks Anxiety."

↣ As mentioned in the previous chapter, I would recommend writing out the number '1'. There are a few different rules for this: (1) numbers 1-9 are written out and 10 and up are numeric; (2) writing all numbers out; or (3) using numeric form.

↣ "My voice was pitching high like crazy but I didn't mind." > This sentence doesn't quite make sense and is worded awkwardly. Do you mean to say his voice went up an octave or the pitch increased? 

Chapter 3

↣ A comma is needed after this sentence ["...Please stop it, Jasper! Please." I begged...].

Overall, there were several awkwardly worded sentences and I think they could be fixed after reading out loud. Sometimes we don't hear how it sounds until we read it like we're our characters. I'm not a proofreader, so I didn't catch all the mistakes. I only mentioned the ones that stood out the most.

2 out of 10

I'm always a sucker for B x B novels, so I think you're in the right direction in terms of the chemistry, but there are some things that could have been done better.

1) Ensure you have a balance of description, narration, and dialogue so they don't overpower one another. You might set yourself a line limit. Be mindful of how you implement your descriptions because you don't want it to appear as an infodump or detract from the story. Remember, you don't have to include everything you've built into the story before the ending. You can do it bit by bit throughout the story or over the course of a series (if you choose to go that route). A lot of writers ask me "how much is too much?" There's not really a definitive answer for this. But, I think if you're providing more information other than what something is, then it's too much information.

2) Another thing that would have improved my enjoyment of the story would be proofreading your work to smooth out those grammatical and formatting errors. Correcting those would be a great start and would definitely raise your story's quality significantly. Some ways to do this would be through Pro Writing Aid or Grammarly (through their free services, not their membership plans if you don't want to pay) or Google Docs and Microsoft Word.

3) Another difficult decision you have to make is how you want your blurb and cover to entice readers. As it stands, these two elements are holding your story back and preventing it from being the best it can possibly be. You might also consider reframing your opening hook so it starts with something significant and it's not just the character telling the story.

4) And finally, the dialogue. Try to make it sound natural. Picture yourself saying these words. Is it something you would say to another person you're romantically interested in? How do you carry yourself around them? Are you fidgeting? Are you struggling to maintain eye contact?

As I always tell my clients, this isn't to say it wasn't a great story. Everyone always has something they need to work on, so don't take the low scores to heart. No one ever has a perfect story, it takes a few helpful people and an author's ambition to get it to where they want to be. So, don't be afraid to make mistakes or ask yourself questions when you come to those difficult decisions. I do hope you take my suggestions into consideration because I think it would really help elevate your story.

You don't have to apply all of my suggestions, but I tried to give as many examples and ask as many questions as I could to help you brainstorm about what could have been done better. I wish you the best of luck in your writing endeavors!

And happy new year!

~ Wera

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