Author: DrizzleTheWolf
Timeline: 15/10/2021 - 29/12/2021
Package: Juvenile Hermit
Chapters Reviewed: Prolog - Chapter 2

Hi there, DrizzleTheWolf ! I'm really sorry it took me more than a month (as promised in my page) to complete this review. Everything's taking a toll on me, especially during the final months of this year. I also apologize for only being able to finish the first three chapters for now. But I hope this in-depth review will be worth the wait! 

I truly hope this review will be helpful, especially during your rewriting. Please don't feel obliged to stick to this entire review, since most of them are merely suggestions. Feel free to leave an inline comment if you have any questions!

P. S. The maximum score in this review is four. The overall score is an average of all the aspects (Scenes, Conflicts, Chapter Length, etc.). And lastly, the score of each aspect is an average of all the chapters (Prolog, Chapter 1, and Chapter 2).

P. S. S. Stay tuned for a bonus something at the end of this chapter! Though this doesn't justify the delay that I've done, I hope you'll accept this token of gratitude for your utmost patience :)

🦀 SCENES 🦀
(3,7 out of 4)

PROLOG
No Score (no available scenes yet)

Despite only containing a brief monolog of Drizzle's life and beliefs, you've done a great job in using Drizzle's voice in your writing. Every sentence matters, and it helps me understand him even more. I also love how you manage to elaborate the title a little further at the end. It's one of the precious things that help set your story unique, compared to others.

CHAPTER 1 (REWRITTEN)
(3,5 out of 4)

This chapter is so intense, I feel myself shivering as I read through Alpha's horrifying challenge. You've done well in establishing these scenes; all of them hold significant emotional meanings for Drizzle—from his memories with his deceased sister to his bitterness for Alpha. But if I get to suggest something here, some scenes are better moved before or after the challenge. Here are two reasons why:

• A few paragraphs can decrease the pacing a lot, like what happens when Alpha tackles Drizzle to the ground and the latter manages to catch a glimpse of all his packmates—from the unnamed wolves, Alpha's son, to Sand. The descriptions help make the scene feel so dramatic and heart-wrenching, but during a battle between wolves—even in a condition where one has given up on life—it might be better if they're kept for another instance or shortened up a little bit. While reading this certain part, I forget that Drizzle's position is being tackled on the ground, or that he's in the middle of a duel with Alpha.

But there are rare instances where this kind of description doesn't affect the fight scene much, such as when Drizzle remembers Rain's advice about 'wolfing up'. The sentence boosts Drizzle's willingness to live, which will be useful in his duel. Though it slows down the pacing a bit, it actually makes sense since her courage is what Drizzle needs at the moment. 

• Having too many flashbacks might take out the sense of urgency during the present moment, like when Drizzle says that Alpha often gives some of his followers a 'gift' in the form of a lifelong injury. Not long after, he reminisces about both his childhood moments and his plan with Rain to rally together their frustrated packmates. These flashbacks don't make the current action (Drizzle standing in front of Alpha) more intense. It makes the readers forget about it instead. Again, they can either be kept for another instance, shortened up a little, or even having its own chapter (before this one).

P. S. You might consider adding new chapter before this one, just to explain most of the flashbacks you've written here. It can start from the moment when Drizzle notices Rain missing, and discovering her corpse somewhere unexpected. Some of his packmates—even the disabled ones, who are living proof of Alpha's overwhelming punishments—might come around and help him with the burial, where you can introduce the important figures Drizzle is likely to turn up to. Afterward, once both anger and grief for her sister and the former Alpha's deaths sink in, Drizzle storms up to Alpha for a confrontation in this chapter.

CHAPTER 2
(3,9 out of 4)

Though there aren't many scenes in this chapter, all of them are important for Drizzle, especially knowing his vulnerable state. This chapter is flowing in a slow, yet steady pace, which is exactly what Drizzle needs to adjust with his new surroundings. You've done a really great job here.

My only concern is that the shift from the nighttime to morning is a bit vague, since it took me long enough to discover that Cloud's appearance happens in the next day instead of right after Drizzle's daydreaming. Here are a few suggestions I have regarding the transition:

• Maybe earlier in the chapter—after Drizzle recovers from his nightmare—you can add a line or two hinting that it's nighttime where he is. You did mention the darkening skies, but only because it's going to rain. The other descriptions, such as Drizzle being able to see the trees and his own reflection in the water, hinted that it's happening during daylight instead.

• It's never stated that Drizzle fell asleep. He only laid down and tried to ignore the rain, while making a to-do list in his mind. The next descriptions, where Drizzle yawned and opened his eyes, aren't strong enough to hint that he slept through the entire night.

• This is an optional suggestion, but maybe instead of only stating the 'morning sun', you can slow down a bit and establish a few things happening once Drizzle wakes up. Maybe the smell of rain makes him feel more refreshed? Or does the sun's warmth help a lot in drying his soaked fur?

🦀 CONFLICTS 🦀
(3,8 out of 4)

PROLOG
No Score (no existing conflicts yet)

There are some mentioned conflicts which can draw one's interest, such as how Drizzle struggles to live every day. There aren't many animal-related stories I've read before, but every time I get to read one, I always can't help but wonder what sorts of trouble they will face. Though they're only briefly mentioned here, I think it's a good preview for the readers about the kind of story they're going to read.

CHAPTER 1 (REWRITTEN)
(3,7 out of 4)

The conflicts are very well-done here. It's clear that you already thought a lot about this—from establishing Alpha's influence over his pack to Drizzle's defiance toward him, especially after the former killed Rain just to weaken his opponent. Their conflict also feels realistic instead of simply being made-up.

The unseen conflicts between Drizzle and his packmates also make me curious. I can't help but wonder if they ever confront him for standing out against Alpha, or even accuse him as an attention-seeker or a pretentious hero (I'm referring to the jealous wolves here). Though now I wonder why they're jealous of him, since in the first half of the chapter, the packmates are scared of Alpha's authority; that they're too comfortable with their lives to even consider leaving it. But in the next half, some of them are jealous of Drizzle's quick rise in their social standing, and how he always gets to be the one stepping up against Alpha. This part's a bit confusing to imagine, which is why (as mentioned above) I suggest adding a chapter about Drizzle's relationship with some of his prominent packmates so the readers can understand their traits. 

P. S. It's okay if they're left with no names, though, since introducing too many wolves so early in the story might be hard to keep track of.

As for Drizzle and Sand's conflict, I still don't know what to make of them yet. At first, I thought that Drizzle did something terrible to upset Sand, and they got distant afterward, which Drizzle regretted. But later then, it's said that, "The tears welling in the corners of her amber eyes meant nothing to me." Why does Drizzle say that—doesn't he still care about Sand? And if she ends up crying on the sidelines, doesn't it show that she still cares about him too, but she won't because she's still upset at him? This conflict confuses me a bit, especially when I still can't determine whether Drizzle can't reciprocate Sand's feelings, or it's supposed to be the other way round.

Overall, though the main conflict is already well-done, I think the side ones still need to be more consistent. It's a bit confusing whether the entire packmates are too scared to stand out against Alpha, or only some part of them does. The same goes with Drizzle and Sand's conflict.

CHAPTER 2
(3,9 out of 4)

It breaks my heart to see Drizzle losing his entire memories, even ones he shared with Rain and his mother. Now that they're both dead, he's supposed to be the only one bearing those memories. But now he also loses it (hopefully not for his entire life!).

You've done a great job in covering all the basic things Drizzle needs: from food, shelter, to a pack he can live with. You miss no details when it comes to these parts. However, in my opinion, since he seems to conclude/state most things himself, his inner conflict doesn't show up a lot. It's more like he's weighing up his options before settling on a definite answer. I think it might make more sense if he questions a lot of things instead of stating them, or if he relies more on instinct/gut feeling instead of his thoughts.

Example: If my memory still hadn't returned by then, I'd never know how to find my pack. If I even had [one]. The thought hadn't crossed my mind until now, but maybe I'd been a lone wolf. And if so, I didn't want to be one anymore.

Last but not least, Drizzle's trust issues toward Cloud are very well done. It's reasonable to see how wary he is with strangers, especially when he doesn't know who injured him this badly. But knowing how he's a good judge of one's character, it's not surprising to find him opening up to Cloud not long after they met, and the conflict defused.

🦀 CHAPTER LENGTH 🦀
(4 out of 4)

PROLOG
(4 out of 4)

This prolog chapter is already at the right amount, neither too long nor too brief. The readers will have an easier time imagining the story ahead of them without skimming over too many details, nor do they have to second-guess everything due to the lack of information.

P. S. Somehow it fits neatly on my laptop screen. I can read the whole thing without scrolling at all XD

CHAPTER 1 (REWRITTEN)
(4 out of 4)

For a first chapter, I think the length and duration (approximately sixteen minutes) are still reasonable for a new reader. I don't think there's a certain rule when it comes to the ideal word count for a beginning chapter, but based on what I've read, I think it's on the right amount, and it's not too extensive nor too short. It's enough for the readers to determine what's going on in this story, while also getting them to root for Drizzle.

CHAPTER 2
(4 out of 4)

I also think this chapter has a reasonable length and duration. Though it's shorter than the previous one (this chapter's only approximately eleven minutes), the chapter length makes sense since in his current state, Drizzle won't be able to absorb much information. And not many things are going on here either, so it's better to keep them concise rather than extending the paragraphs longer than necessary.

The other thing I'd like to mention here is regarding the length of Drizzle's nightmare. It's good to keep it the way it is, since it only takes just enough portion of this chapter. Dream sequences and other flashbacks aren't supposed to be longer than the present events, after all.

🦀 WRITING STYLE 🦀
(3,73 out of 4)

PROLOG
(3,9 out of 4)

I really like the way you narrate things from Drizzle's POV here. It shows how innocent, yet experienced he is. And it gives the readers a preview of his personality and the way he thinks, which I've really grown fond of. It also helps me feel closer to Drizzle, and that way, I'm even more curious to delve into this story. Though you repeat some words as an emphasis, it works great here instead of being repetitive.

Here are some minor suggestions I have for this part:

• The usage of commas isn't a major issue since grammatically, your sentences are formatted correctly. But having too many of them might affect the sentence's flow, which is why I suggest using an em-dash (—) instead.

Example (with comma): Big, small, black, gray, or white, they're the wolves that will take care of you unconditionally.

Example (with em-dash): Big, small, black, gray, or white—they're the wolves that will take care of you unconditionally.

• Another suggestion I have is related to a jarring part in Paragraph 2, "But I'm sure there are a few loving people in your life that are willing to help you lift that burden. Those people are your family. Whether or not you're blood related, your family is made of the wolves that love you. Big, small, black, gray, or white, they're the wolves that will take care of you unconditionally."

It takes me a few times reading it to finally understand why it's nagging me a bit. Turns out that the transition between the first two sentences and the rest aren't as smooth as supposed, moreover with the sudden change in subjects. But since it's a minor issue, it's okay to not dwell on it too much.

CHAPTER 1 (REWRITTEN)
(3,5 out of 4)

It's really nice to see how your writing style is consistent with the one from the prolog. I'm happy to see that we're also getting a closer look into Drizzle's life—the way you're writing this makes the readers feel involved in the story, like they're actually next to Drizzle (or even within his mind). And the best part is your descriptions aren't overwhelming to read. You don't waste any words to get your point across in every sentence.

My suggestion here aligns with the other aspects I've reviewed above, such as SCENES, CONFLICTS., and WRITING STYLE: PROLOG (Commas Vs. Em-Dashes).

Here are some others I have in mind:

• Most repetitions worked well in prolog, but some just don't work well in this chapter. They might end up being repetitive, monotonous, excessive, or making Drizzle sound like a wolf pup instead of an adult (in my opinion).

Example 1: She'd been my hero, and I would've followed her to the ends of the Earth, over and over and over.

Example 2: Breathing was getting harder and harder as the water held me under longer and longer.

Example 3: In the paragraph where Drizzle was sent into the river, the word 'water' was mentioned five times. Maybe you can switch it up with some alternatives (like 'drowning') or take out some sentences altogether (like 'causing me to inhale mouthfuls of water', since we knew that'd happen once he got underwater longer than necessary).

Example 4: I pushed the depressing thought out of my mind. I was still in this game, even if I was about to lose, and I didn't have the capacity to focus on [both] negative things and my life at the same time. I finally realized where Alpha was taking me. I'd grown up traveling these paths day after day, and the only place this one led was the river.

• It's good to know you don't use passive tenses much, since they can drag the story's pacing, make a sentence too mouthful to read, or reduce the impact of the sentence itself. It can be okay to use during scenes and dialogues when a character needs to be polite. 

But during a quick-paced scene—like when Drizzle is drowning—having a lot of them at once feels jarring. More often than not, active tenses are better to use in such scenes since they use less words, which is a huge key for a quick pacing.

Example 1 (in Passive): Before I could respond, I was sent tumbling into the icy cold water.
Example 1 (in Active): Before I could respond, Alpha kicked me into the icy cold water.

Example 2 (in Passive): ...taking as much air as I could before my head was yanked back under the water.
Example 2 (in Active): ...taking as much air as I could before the water yanked me back into its depths.

CHAPTER 2
(3,8 out of 4)

By this point, I've gotten used to your simple, yet snappy writing style. It's more likely to suit non-human narrators, which you've used consistently until this chapter. The tone's transition from the nightmare sequence to the current day is also well-done. It's clear that the former is narrated by a wolf pup, while the latter belongs to an older wolf's POV. Also, the current-day's tone is better than the previous chapter, since Drizzle's body language and tone of speaking all align with his age.

There are some issues to keep an eye for, like the repetitive sentences in WRITING STYLE: CHAPTER 1 (REWRITTEN). 

And the last thing I'd like to mention is the vagueness in a part of the nightmare, once Drizzle and Rain discover their mother's dead body. 

Sentence: I wished I had listened to my sister and that I could unsee the carnage that laid before me. She was dead. Her blood was splattered across the clearing, her fur strewn all over the ground.

The 'she' in the second sentence is a bit vague. Some unaware readers might think that the pronoun refers to Rain, when it actually refers to Mother. Maybe it's better to change the 'she' into 'Mother' to clear up the confusion.

🦀 STORY BELIEVABILITY 🦀
(3,86 out of 4)

PROLOG
(4 out of 4)

The way Drizzle is written makes me think that he's not a fictional character, but a real one instead. Which is good, really. And by showing how Drizzle can relate to humans, readers think that he can also understand them, since he has experienced the same feelings like they do. Great job on making him into a real character. Now you can't convince me otherwise XD

CHAPTER 1 (REWRITTEN)
(3,8 out of 4)

I must've said this some time before, but even when this story is set in a fictional world where wolves trample over each other, I can't help but feel that it's some kind of a reality. Some of the extensive information, even ones dating to the past (like Alpha's horrible treatment to those getting into his bad side), really helps improve this story's believability.

But I think some parts still need to convince me better, for they either show unlikely things to happen in the real world, a bit awkward to imagine, or in need of a bit more consistency.

• Drizzle's narration sounds like an innocent kid's train of thoughts. Or at least a teenager, since he's not as oblivious to the world's cruelty like the pup he was. But briefly before the battle, it is mentioned that Drizzle is already an adult instead of a young wolf.

• In the middle of the battle, when Alpha tells Drizzle to rip out his throat in the same way he had treated Rain, Drizzle immediately staggers back and screams, "No!" In my opinion, but I think it's more likely (and adult-wolf-like) if Drizzle just staggers back without a word. While we're still processing our shock, we tend to say nothing. Only our thoughts race in our heads.

CHAPTER 2
(3,8 out of 4)

Knowing everything Drizzle has gone through until this point, a head trauma such as his is likely to happen. He fell into the waterfall, didn't he? Though it also makes me wonder if it's possible for real-world animals to suffer amnesia. Alright, now I won't be able to get this question out of my head XD

Anyway, here are a few curious points I noticed. There aren't many of them, but I think they're still worth mentioning:

• Is Drizzle supposed to understand human terms like 'amnesia', 'trauma', and 'hypothermia'? If he isn't, perhaps it's better to change these terms into something he's more likely to understand.

• If Drizzle truly suffers memory loss, how can he remember the wolves in his nightmare to be his mother and sister? I thought that he'd refer to them by their colors or the familiarity of their scents.

P. S. What if you drop some Easter Eggs? Maybe you've mentioned Rain's fur color somewhere before, and you bring it up again here. Most readers will be able to catch up with hints like that, and Drizzle's memory loss will be more natural since he has no idea of who she is.

• This part is only my opinion, but I think someone suffering from memory loss is more likely to ask about a lot of things than concluding things themselves. Their thoughts are also a bit messy rather than organized, which is why as I mentioned above, the scene where Drizzle makes a mental list of priorities feels a bit off. Perhaps he can rely more on instincts or gut feelings rather than thoughts?

🦀 READER'S IMPRESSION 🦀
(3,8 out of 4)

PROLOG
(4 out of 4)

Though most people would argue that a prolog could've been weaved into the story instead of standing as an individual chapter, personally I understand why you put this here. This prolog feels bittersweet to read. At one point, we're curious about Drizzle's life tale and how he can get as wise as that old wolf he mentioned at the beginning. But we also can't help but pity how awful some of his experiences must've been that he's able to say this much. 

Overall, this prolog serves its purpose. It introduces the main character properly, while giving us some insight into his thoughts and snippets of what to expect in the upcoming chapters. It's neither too lengthy nor crammed with details to overwhelm the readers. You've done a great job writing this!

CHAPTER 1 (REWRITTEN)
(3,6 out of 4)

Overall, this chapter's already got all the neat bases, from a believable storyline, well-established characters, and a literally breathtaking hook at the end. As a reader, that last part alone is enough to send me off to the next chapter. But as a reviewer, there's still more chance for this chapter to hit us stronger in the feels.

CHAPTER 2
(3,8 out of 4)

It's a heartbreaking chapter to read, honestly. I can't imagine surviving with all that pain and still have to struggle in regaining my memories. But if any, this chapter only strengthens the readers' support for Drizzle. My faith in humanity (or wolfinity?) is also restored knowing now Drizzle has someone, moreover a stranger, reliable enough to lean on. The last bit when he feels this strange, warm and fuzzy feeling is really heartwarming to read too, knowing how he rarely gets such attention and care from his previous packmates.

While this chapter doesn't advance the plot much, reading about the characters' interaction and Drizzle's internal conflict makes up for that. They're realistic enough to make me forget that I'm reading a book.

Only minor improvements are needed in this chapter. It's mostly good to go!

🦀 BONUS REVIEW 🦀
(will not affect Overall Score)

COVER

One word for your cover: charming. While the previous cover was cute enough to get me excited for this story, this new one just blows my mind. And it suits your story well, too!

BLURB

I also remember reading the past blurb, which was a short summary of the whole story. But to be honest, I prefer the current one since it doesn't reveal too much information to the readers, yet it's already enough to tempt them into the story. The logline at the top is also really neat. If I were a random reader passing by, your story has a high chance of snagging a spot in my Library judging only by my first impressions (Cover and Blurb). Great job!

PLOT

It's not my first time reading a story where a pack member defies his Alpha, but it's safe to say that your story is a one-of-a-kind. Though I never wish that kind of accident upon any wolves, the event itself, followed by Drizzle's memory loss and his encounter with a friendly stranger, actually sets your story apart from others. I'm eager to see where this story will take Drizzle to.

GRAMMAR

Most of your grammar is impeccable—you've done a great job in tidying it up. It's also why your story deserves being a Juvenile Hermit in the first place. But like other common Work-in-Progresses, there are still some minor errors to keep an eye for, like the uppercased dialogue tags, the punctuations preceding those dialogue tags, Wattpad's mistake of recognizing an em-dash (—) as a hyphen (-), missing words from some phrases, and tense slips from Past Tense to Present Tense.

CHARACTERS

Drizzle: It doesn't take long for me to root for your main character. Though he's a wolf, I can imagine him being alive somewhere in this world, fighting against Alpha's dominance in the pack. That, and you've done a great job in establishing his distinctive traits, like how family-oriented he is.

Alpha: Even when I haven't met him for long, I get the feeling that Chapter 1 won't be the last time we meet. Most bad Alphas might be mindless yet barbaric, yet it's sickening to see how he can twist the logic by saying that the injuries he causes others should be considered as gifts since it teaches them to survive with their newfound disability.

Rain: It's a shame I haven't got to read about her while she was alive, but she makes a great sister alright. From her inspiring quotes to the moment she consoled Drizzle after discovering their dead mother, I can see where Drizzle gets his good traits from. You're making me wish to see her alive... *sniffles*

WORLDBUILDING

There isn't much to comment on this yet, but so far, it seems to be well-established. I'm especially fond of the moment when Drizzle notices the conifer trees around him, and how the rain washing over it is strong enough to wipe out any traces of Cloud's pack. I'm curious to see how this pack marks their territory, since I've never seen it described anywhere before.

ORIGINALITY

Animal-related stories are rarer than human-led ones, possibly since it's harder to delve into their minds and rely more on instincts instead of thoughts like us humans. But so far, I haven't found other wolf-led stories with a similar storyline to yours. I also checked some tags (especially about wolves) and scrolled through the list, but most of them are stories of humans. Again, it's safe to say that this story's a one-of-a-kind!

🦀 SUMMARY 🦀
Scenes → 3,7
Conflicts → 3,8
Chapter Length → 4
Writing Style → 3,73
Story Believability → 3,86
Reader's Impression → 3,8

🦀 OVERALL SCORE 🦀
(3,815 out of 4)

And that's a wrap! More to Family is a polished and well-written story. I barely covered the basic knowledge and jumped straight into in-depth analysis (which I hope will be truly helpful, instead of me reading too much into things XD). 

I also really enjoyed the time I spent here, and I look forward to returning one day! I wish you the best of luck in rewriting this story. Hopefully it won't be all that tedious, knowing you've got a solid first draft at hand.

Once again, I apologize for the delay, and I hope this review (and the bonus) lives up to your expectations. Thank you for trusting this newborn hermit as well, and have a great day/night wherever you are :D

P. S. Feel free to submit another review request for the other chapters!