Author: angeldawn09

Book: Is It True Love?

Genre: Fantasy

Chapters Read: Prologue - Chapter 4

Kat Tails: 4

Thank you for your patience as I reviewed your work!
This review will contain spoilers for the chapters I read, so keep this in mind as you proceed.

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Cover: 2/5

First thing I always talk about is covers, since it's the first thing a reader will normally see! I like the color scheme of your cover and it does give the appropriate fantasy feel. However, the text is slapped on instead of being integrated and the different fonts don't complement each other well. In general, only having 1-2 fonts gives the cover cohesion, as opposed to using 3-4.

I would recommend visiting a graphics shop and requesting a cover to better represent your story. While scenery is pretty, it ranks at the bottom of my personal list in terms of effective covers. I think text, object, or person-based covers do a better job of catching the eyes of potential readers.

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Title: 4/5

I really like this title! It immediately puts romance in mind, but the more fluffy, innocent kind (aka the kind I like most after angsty enemies to lovers). It's longer word count-wise, but the words are short and sweet and the question makes for a good hook. The title isn't extremely unique or original, but I would take a further look into the story because of it.

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Blurb: 2/5

Your blurb does a fairly good job with story set-up. Characters, setting, and conflict are there! I think the last line hits us a little out of nowhere with stakes that don't directly connect to the other elements you've established. I suggest keeping the stakes to something more immediate, like how the person Wendell chooses to marry will affect the war. In my suggestion, I will correct grammar and tighten up the language to increase hook and impact. You're free to agree or disagree with my tweaked blurb, since I only have partial knowledge of your story.

Suggested blurb: At first glance, Wendell Chestna appears to be a beautiful prince who will sweep you away on his horse. In reality, he's not much different from any other teenage boy. With the recent death of his father, the law dictates that Wendell must take the throne on his sixteenth birthday. If that isn't enough stress, the queen plans to arrange a marriage union that will provide the young prince with someone exceptional to rule by his side.

However, Wendell has no interest in marrying a stranger. His heart belongs to Kana Littleton, a sweet peasant girl. Determined to discover if she returns his love, Wendell strikes a deal with his mother: If he is able to receive a favorable answer from Kana within two months, the arranged marriage will be called off. 

The conditions are simple enough, but will Kana agree for the right reasons? Or are her emotions only swayed by the prince's wealth and status? Under a false persona as a village boy, Wendell will discover if they're truly meant to be. However, he may soon find is that winning his true love could endanger his kingdom.

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Writer Interaction: 3/5

Disclaimer: This category does not reflect on a writer's skill at all. It is merely given points as it shows the writer is invested in their readers' opinions and suggestions and can be used to project future growth. (Also, Miya is using her judging rubric and doesn't want to change it because it totals to a neat 100 points as is XD)

Writer responds to some comments and has positive interactions with readers.

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Plot/Pacing: 5/10

Your plot is clear and fun, though I will say that the stakes could use some better set-up. Wendell will soon be taking the throne so his mother arranges a marriage with Blanche. However, Wendell would rather marry Kana. I find it a bit unbelievable that his mother reacts as she does in allowing Wendell to court Kana while still being officially engaged to Blanche. This confusion is heightened further when it's revealed in chapter 4 that the war never ended and the queen has been doing her best to combat it without telling Wendell, even though he will soon be inheriting the throne.

I believe it would be a good idea to highlight the risks Wendell is taking in choosing Kana. She likely does not have the political assets to the kingdom that a union with Blanche would provide. Wendell marrying Kana would also put her in danger since the enemy king is alive and out for Wendell's blood. If it's not Wendell thinking of these problems, the queen or someone else who is wiser than him should bring them up.

Though Wendell's main concern of having Kana love him back does promise sweet interactions and struggles, I found myself doubtful as to how well thought-out his plan is. If Kana does love Wendell, why would she fall for another boy who is Wendell in disguise? If she does fall for disguised Wendell, doesn't that just prove that she doesn't really care for the real Wendell? Perhaps I'm reading too much into things, or you've already thought of it xD

The pacing is alright but could be better. As I'll mention later, your book is likely anime-inspired and so follows an episode-like progression. However, there is filler and some stylistic choices like the flashbacks need better framing and execution. An example of filler is at the start of the book. At the very beginning, you want to hook the reader right away but we are introduced to Wendell running into his sister who knocks over a vase. Cute scene but 1. it's not plot relevant (the meeting with his mother right after is far more crucial to the plot) and 2. Wendy is not an important character (so far).

While I may not be an expert on light-novels, cutting down material to what is impactful to character, plot--or in best cases--both is a helpful practice regardless. Even filler in anime is reserved for mid-season episodes and not the start. 

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Description: 3/10

Description is, I admit, a very very hard aspect of writing to really nail down. It's like salt. Too little and the dish is bland. Too much and it's not palatable.

When it comes to your descriptions you need more salt for your settings and less for your characters. At this point, you're giving list descriptions of the characters, their hair, their eyes, clothes, etc, but are devoting maybe a paragraph to their surroundings at the start of a scene. It's best to weave in information, to let it rise and fall with the emotion and dialogue. Incorporate action beats that interact with the characters' environment so we visualize the conversation and where it's taking place--not a white room with characters that stand in one spot and talk at each other. There's a reason why the advice "show, don't tell" is repeated to death.

Here's an example of how I would write dynamic description, emotion, and dialogue interwoven:

"Good afternoon, Your Highness, Saelufu," a sweet voice greets.

Wendell's heart stutters in his chest as he turns to meet the very topic of his and Saelufu's conversation. Had Kana heard them? At the thought, a blush rises in his cheeks.

The wind tugs playfully at the [insert pretty adjective and shade of color] ribbons in Kana's long hair. Their eyes almost meet--Kana would be the perfect height for a dance partner. For a brief moment, Wendell imagines twirling with Kana in the shining palace ballroom. Though her ragged clothing draws the looks of snobbish residents in the town square, they matter not in his starry fantasy. The sunbeam of her smile is more than enough and far harder to come by than pretty dresses by the dozen.

He hadn't greeted her in return yet. Crashing back down to earth in his mind, Wendell stammers, "K-Kana! It's rare to see you here in the capital!" He sketches a small bow, in spite of always insisting Kana be less formal with him.

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Characters: 4/10

This may come as a surprise, but the only character I liked was Blanche.

Please don't shoot me. I'll explain.

The first reason is that we're not grounded in a pov. As far as I can tell, you seem to be using third distant. We're vaguely focused on Wendell, but not really inside his head, unlike the example snippet I gave above where we dig more into his thoughts. We're watching his actions, hearing him speak, but there's a wall keeping us from understanding what exactly is driving him besides puppy love for Kana. I find it hard to believe he's almost sixteen. He sounds to be around twelve to me.

The second is well ... the characters so far are two-dimensional and we are told their traits rather than being shown them. They also seem to follow standard character archetypes in anime without diverging much. Wendell is the main character who is unsure of himself but also a bit spoiled. Kana is a sweet peasant girl with a kind smile. Saelufu is the supportive best friend who can provide comic relief. Oliver is the poster child for the main character's rival who is a brat without redeeming traits.

On the other hand, Blanche at least appeared to be a somewhat rounded character. Neither completely an angel or *coughs* a brat. It seemed obvious that we're supposed to dislike her. Why? Because she's standing in the way of Wendell and Kana's perfect romance! But I can't dislike her since she's really the unfortunate victim in this mess whose only crime is getting her parents to do what she wants (and isn't Wendell doing something similar?) She doesn't know that Wendell loves another girl. And to be honest, I could see her and Wendell having better chemistry. Someone has to wear the pants in the relationship and I can't see either Wendell or Kana doing so--they're both too passive. It's only the threat of being married off that's pushing Wendell to propose. Who knows if he'd ever have thought to even ask Kana to a date/dance otherwise or if he would have been content pining after her from afar.

If the characters change later on: Oliver becoming a reluctant ally to Wendell against the evil king, Kana being shown to be a not-so-perfect love interest or rejecting the prince, Wendell developing a sense of responsibility and trying to make choices for the sake of the kingdom and not himself; then I take back what I said about the two-dimensional characters. However if the characters progress along the same path they've started, I don't have much more to say on them.

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Vocabulary/Syntax: 3/10

I noticed several typos per chapter and weak language choice in general. The first is fixable with proofreading and the second will improve the more you write and practice. As I'm not an editor, I won't be flagging every mistake (some of them may also be the fault of autocorrect), but I will give examples of a few that I saw.

Coordination ceremony [Coordination -> Coronation]

"Wow, you're quite perspective as usual." [perspective  -> perceptive]

Although hush whispers were exchanged... [hush -> hushed]

The cover story is a good one but he can't fandom why she'd involve herself any further. [fandom -> fathom]

The male speeds off to get home and start right away. ["Male" is more of an odd word choice than an error. I believe this was in reference to Wendell which makes it a break of pov as well. I would recommend using "Wendell", "he", or even "boy".]

"Malady" (in reference to Kana) [A malady is a sickness. You'll want to use "My lady", "Milady", or "M'lady"]

"thrown" > throne (multiple instances)

For weak language choice, I would recommend using less adverbs and substituting them with more dynamic verbs.

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Grammar/Punctuation: 3/10

This category is similar to the one above. I can mostly understand your writing but it needs polishing. Even if you forget the other tips, following the first one will vastly improve your skill level.

This tip is to make sure that your sentences are complete sentences. You have a fragment as often as once a paragraph. For example, the very first sentence in your book is not a complete sentence:

Fragment: For most ladies flocking about the room as they take care of morning tasks would be quite a surprise. However, Wendell wasn't born into any normal household. [This is due to a missing comma after "most" but it is still not the sturdiest sentence]

The first sentence here make no sense on its own. It's only with the context of the second sentence that I can guess what your intent was and even then, it is not clear. I can fix the grammar of the sentence as an example, but I don't think this makes for a strong opening regardless.

Complete: For most boys his age, an army of ladies flocking about the room like birds putting their nest in order would be quite a surprise. However, Wendell wasn't born into any normal household.

Here are a few more examples of fragmented sentences:

Fragment: Early morning Wendell chooses to redress in the overalls outfit he bought yesterday.
Complete: Early the next morning, Wendell  chooses to wear the overalls outfit he bought yesterday.

Fragment: Wendell mentally hoping this accent he spent the entire night practicing on isn't a complete fail.
Complete: Wendell mentally hopes the accent he spent the entire night practicing isn't a complete fail.

Fragment: Taking a look around the place is decked in turquoise and gold with tables set up along the sides.
Complete: [insert character name] surveys the room in awe. Brilliant turquoise curtains frame the windows, with golden tables set up below them.

Fragment: Her chestnut hair pulled in one fancy ponytail to the side and wearing a pair of matching earrings.
Complete: Her chestnut is pulled to the side in a fancy ponytail and [insert color and shape] gems sparkle at Saelufu's ears.

Fragment: On a different note, there aren't as many subjects as his own lessons. Between getting taught other languages, playing the harp, and instructions on proper etiquette the load is easier.
Complete: On another note, there aren't as many subjects as his own lessons. Compared to learning other languages, playing the harp, and practicing proper etiquette, the load is easier.

Here a couple extra tips:

"My ideas don't always backfire...," she weakly justifies, though her tone tells otherwise.
[There doesn't need to be a comma after the ellipses]
"My ideas don't always backfire..." she weakly justifies, though her tone tells otherwise.

"I don't want you getting all tangled up in this," Wendel protests, with a frown.
[Comma also is not needed after protests since there is no pause]
"I don't want you getting all tangled up in this," Wendel protests with a frown.

The orange hues skies above are clear proof of how long they've been at this.
[General sentence re-structuring]
The orange-hued sky above is clear proof of how long they've been at this.

Interrobangs: "Ah, where on earth are you going dressed like that?!"
In general, you will want to avoid interrobangs. They're more suited for casual writing like texting. It's better to use a dialogue tag, e.g. "Ah, where on earth are you going dressed like that!" she/he exclaimed in shock.

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Style/Formatting: 4/10

Your story-telling style is fairly clear and progresses in a standard chronological manner. I think your prologue should be titled as a first chapter as a) the pov is the same b) there is no time jump. It fits in the with rest of the chapters fine. You start and end chapters at sensible points and I enjoyed the revelation that the enemy king wasn't dead.

I didn't notice anything too out of the ordinary with your formatting besides the flashback scene in chapter 1. The cut could use better flashback entrance and exit so it's not as confusing. Overall, I think your unique voice as a writer will have more room to develop as you work on the basics in vocab and grammar.

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World-building/Concept Originality: 4/10

You story fits squarely in the shounen/light novel area. This can be beneficial for finding an audience that you already appeal to. That said, I would love to see more breaking and twisting of tropes in the genre. There should be a reason why things exist in your world. When a character pulls a kunai out of nowhere in chapter 4, it took me by surprise because the setting otherwise indicated a Medieval or Victorian kingdom/era. 

The geography and politics would also benefit from being given more attention. How is the queen letting Wendell wander about unprotected when she knows the enemy is moving? How is she not more concerned when she learns that assassins went after him and Kana? It's almost as if she knows he has plot armor xD

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Personal Enjoyment: 4/10

Your story has potential and I would be interested in finding out what happens next. With editing and given there are answers to the questions I had about the plot, I wouldn't mind reading further.

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Total: 41/100

Congratulations, admirable one! You've obtained the rank of a four-tailed kat. Besides near human intelligence, the four-tailed are gifted in speech with the ability to throw their voice with greater skill than even the most masterful ventriloquist.Thank you for requesting this review and I hope it is of help to you in your writing journey!