Author: MermaidAriel13

Title of Work: Fallen Angel

Package: Silver Egg Package

Reviewed: Prologue through Chapter 4 (due to very long chapters)

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1 out of 5

The cover is nice, but it's a bit cliched with the title. I think it would also be beneficial to get a professional cover, though that can come later if you secure an agent and a publishing deal later. When you query, they won't ask about the cover, so in this case, it's not as important. But if your goal is to be discovered by Wattpad, you'll want to get a more professional cover where all the elements, such as the text, visible and legible.

2 out of 5

I think your blurb is a good start, though there are some things that could be done to make it more cohesive. At the moment, your blurb is telling the story rather than providing the preview the readers need. A blurb is different from a synopsis in that a synopsis will be more detailed than a blurb. A blurb is what you would expect to find on the back of a book or on its jacket, so it should short, concise, and only mention relevant items. If you give too much information, then there's not much mystery left for the story. Take your time with it and introduce it bit by bit in the story itself.

Some examples of having too much are in these lines:

> Even after 600 years, she continues to be rebellious, unwilling to forgive or forget that she was brought to greatness, only to end up in flames.

> The Archangel Gabriël is the Messenger of God and one of the voices Joan heard when she was alive. He is the only one who Joan still listens to and tries to protect her from his best friend, the Lord Protector Michael, who threatens to cast Joan out of Heaven for her insubordination.

Think of it along this framework: [character] has to [action A] in order to [resolution]. Something that helps me put together a blurb is to map out the major plot points.

4 out of 5

I thought your opening hook of your prologue was good. I personally like when stories begin with a bit of conflict because it helps generate mystery and inspire the reader to think about what led the MC to this point. I do want to mention that you should be careful of using passive voice (i.e., "was" or "were") because it makes it sound like you're telling us the story rather than showing what's  happening.  Overall, good hook.

10 out of 10

I thought the story was reasonably paced, and had interesting conflicts. There were times where I felt the chapter dragged on a bit and it would be best to start a new chapter at certain page breaks. For example, when Gabriel and Joan are doing the spicy, I think that last line is absolutely beautiful and that could be a good spot to start a new chapter.

The story is unlike anything I've read before. It was interesting, it was intriguing, and I could get a sense of your writing style, which is very distinct. For Wattpad, the chapters are too long, but for publishing, I think you'll be just fine as long as you ensure every piece is meaningful and contributes to the plot in some way (which I believe they do).

8 out of 10

Joan's character is rather complex, but in a good way. I like that she's relatable. The only major comment I have is that I wish we could get a feel of her thoughts better. It'll help us understand the decisions to makes and also build upon her characterization. Illustrating her thoughts would also help improve upon those sentences where you write "she wondered". What if she just said what she thinking out loud? You don't need to fill the whole chapter with it, but just add some more to make it more balanced.

For Gabriel, I think he's a wonderful love interest. I felt really interested in his POV in Chapter 5. I could feel his passion for Joan. You've really succeeded with writing a romantic scene that is meaningful, real, and absolutely beautiful. I know this is third person POV, but I loved when we got to get those bits of feelings and thoughts for him. 

8 out of 10

I think the world building is very detailed. However, I want to point out that with longer chapters, you run the risk of having readers forget what has been introduced and explained. The various terms you introduce made it hard for me to keep up and remember, even though the concepts themselves aren't too complex. 

I love that you're using dialogue to explain concepts, and that they're explained when first introduced. It's a good way to show the reader without overwhelming them.

9.5 out of 10

I think you have a great amount of character description, though I wish there was a tad more for the setting description. You have an amazing range of vocabulary, and I don't think I ever noticed any repetition with your descriptions. I think you've given enough for the reader to visualize everything that's happened. I also want to mention as a suggestion to not forget about other senses. Sight is most commonly used, but don't forget about what the characters hear or smell. You don't have to go overboard, but it's just a suggestion if you're struggling to figure out how you can incorporate more description.

In context of characters, I think you've done a wonderful job in creating these individuals. You give us enough of a description to visualize the characters and it also provides some insight into their personalities. You pair adjectives very well with your descriptions, and I appreciate that it's not just all purple prose because that can be hard to digest.

10 out of 10

There's a lot of emotion in the dialogue. I appreciate how well you've balanced dialogue, narrative, and description! You also use great dialogue tags and do well with not overusing them. If the reader ever feels like they can't get a sense of the tone or general mood of the scene, it's easy to deduce it from the character's body language and facial expressions. And I think you executed this very well. The dialogue felt very real and natural, so it was easy to get swept up in the emotions these characters experienced as the story went on.

6 out of 10

Overall:

↣ Perhaps it's a difference in UK or US grammar, but is there a reason the dialogue is illustrated with the use of dashes? It kind of cut into my immersion because I couldn't tell who was saying what. If not, I think it would be better if you used quotation marks when people are talking. It helps provide some separation from the narrative itself.

↣ Be mindful of the indenting in-between paragraphs as it's inconsistent. If you have the manuscript double-spaced, make sure the spacing between paragraphs is consistent.

↣ Commas after ellipses should be removed.

Chapter 1:

↣ The opening line, who is saying this?

Chapter 5:

↣ I believe there should be a question mark at the end of this sentence, "How can they possibly think he is well enough to go home..."

↣ I believe there is a period missing at the end of this sentence, "Joan was his..."

10 out of 10

The story is very compelling, original, and absolutely breathtaking! There are a couple of major issues that are holding your story back and I think once you address them, it will really help elevate your story:

1) Ensure you have proofread and formatted your story. You want to make sure it's as final as possible before it goes to an agent. If you pursue traditional publishing and find an agent, you'll end up having an editor overlook your work, but you want to ensure you're correcting as many things as possible before it reaches that stage. It creates less work down the road and shows your dedication to any agents you query. Correcting those would be a great start and would definitely raise your story's quality significantly. Some ways to do this would be through Pro Writing Aid or Grammarly (through their free services, not their membership plans if you don't want to pay) or Google Docs and Microsoft Word. Standard formatting is usually 12-point, double-spaced. Some agents may have preferable fonts, so pay close attention to those requirements when you query.

2) Another difficult decision you have to make is how you want your blurb and cover to entice readers. As it stands, these two elements are holding your story back and preventing it from being the best it can possibly be . The cover won't be included in query materials, but you want to ensure you have a great blurb and synopsis. Most agents request a short blurb (what goes on the back or inside jacket of a book) and the synopsis of the story (including spoilers). I find that working on the synopsis first is helpful with determining what needs to be cut to make the blurb. Map out your major plot points and start from there.

3) Another task is to consider how many page breaks you want in a chapter. Evaluate what you think is the best ending for the chapter. Does it invoke a significant emotion for the reader? If so, those parts might be a good place to start a new chapter.

As I always tell my clients, this isn't to say it wasn't a great story. Everyone always has something they need to work on, so don't take the few low scores to heart. No one ever has a perfect story, it takes a few helpful people and an author's ambition to get it to where they want to be. So, don't be afraid to make mistakes or ask yourself questions when you come to those difficult decisions. I do hope you take my suggestions into consideration because I think it would really help elevate your story.

You don't have to apply all of my suggestions, but I tried to give as many examples and ask as many questions as I could to help you brainstorm about what could have been done better. I wish you the best of luck in your writing endeavors!

~ Wera

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