Author: Akston93

Book: Dawn of a Thousand Suns

Genre: Fantasy

Chapters Read: Prologue - Chapter 4

Kat Tails: 4

This is my first review (ever) so please keep in mind that not all of my future reviews will be like this one. I may have learned a thing or two and will be tweaking my reviewing style (along with the tendency to be long-winded. 3k words is a doozy O.o) ! This review will contain spoilers for the chapters I read. Please be aware of this if you decide to continue.

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Cover: 2/5

Let's start with your cover, shall we? The cover is the first thing your potential readers are going to see. While we all say "don't judge a book by its cover", let's be honest—we judge books by their covers, especially on Wattpad. 

First impression is that your font is tiny. Readers are gonna have trouble seeing that. There's also a lot of empty space in the center. The sky is pretty, sure, but you're going to want the focal point, or what the readers should focus on, to be front and center. Object-based, person-based, text-based, they've all got something for the reader to latch onto. While your cover has a nice choice of scenery, it doesn't give much idea as to the content it's representing.

It's not a bad cover, but it's not eye-catching either. Visiting one of Wattpad's many graphics shops would be a great idea, as there's an abundance of talented designers who could work their magic to give your book a fantastic cover.

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Title: 2/5

Part of my take on your title is my personal preference—I'm not a fan of long titles—so you can take this with a grain of salt. My first issue that I run to is that I'm lost as to which title is your actual title. I would think it's "Dawn of a Thousand Suns" since that's what you submit your book under, but reading the title on Wattpad makes me think it's actually "Arch De Angels", since that's put after Book 1. If one of these is the title of your series, I'd recommend formatting it as: Book Title [Series Title #1] or something similar.

Moving past formatting, I think your title fits your genre. Dawn of a Thousand Suns gives the right epic/high fantasy vibes. However, at first impression, this title isn't going to hook me. I don't get a great idea of what this story is going to be about from the title. It doesn't strike me with curiosity at the start and I've not seen how it relates to the story yet from what I've read.

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Blurb: 2/5

After reading your blurb, there are three points for improvement I'd like to touch on which are: brevity, terms, and streamlining for effectiveness. 

Brevity: The optimum word count for a blurb is 100-200 words; much less than that and you may not be able to encompass all the necessary elements (character, setting, conflict, and stakes), much more and you may be giving your readers too much information, possibly even spoilers. Your blurb docks in at 283 words. My personal opinion is that the necessary bones of your blurb are present solely in the third paragraph. This is where you've introduced character (Lucius, sister, Michael), setting (the words "village" and "townsfolk" give fantasy vibes, though you may wish to include specific names for memorability), conflict (rescuing sister, survive, confront enemies), and stakes (avoid losing selves/becoming monsters). I would suggest cutting the first two paragraphs (110 words between them) because one, they're disconnected from the rest of the blurb and what has been touched on in the first five parts of the book. And two, the density of the info given may be off-putting to potential readers. Which leads to the second point.

Terms: Fantasy is notorious for having a high learning curve with terms, especially high/epic fantasy. This makes it doubly important to make sure you're not info-dumping in the blurb, or even in the first chapter. There's no rule of thumb for how much is too much, but I'd like to point out all the foreign terms that a reader would see upon glancing at your blurb: age of legends, mage*, magic*, baron*, Belial, Azar, Kaesh, Orpheus, Great Ocean War, Black Regads, White Regads, La Shiva, Al Candra, "geometry of classical magic", Treaty of the Gates.

[* indicates a term which a regular fantasy reader would not be too fazed by, but which might count as a foreign term to someone new to the genre]

These are interesting events and terms, but may be better off being woven into the story when they become immediately important (or foreshadowed, which is a whole 'nother beast). The rest of your blurb is not at all difficult to understand. It's clear, not cryptic, which I believe is what you should go for.

Streamlining: You want your blurb to pack a punch so hard, your readers see stars (maybe not that hard, don't want to injure any braincells :D). This means your blurb should be watertight, in grammar, punctuation, and syntax. Here's how I would break your blurb down in those areas:

Current Blurb: Lucius is twelve years old village boy, who tragically lost his family.

Miya's Suggestions: Lucius is a twelve-year-old village boy who has lost his family, except for his baby sister.

Hold up, Miya, those might be bigger changes than expected, you might say. They are, but here's my reasoning. "Tragically" would describe any loss of family, death is a tragedy. Pulling in Lucius' baby sister here instead of later is to avoid an otherwise cliché state of affairs as there many fantasy tales that start with the death of loved ones ... what's coming to my mind at the moment are the numerous cases where a mother is running and the bad guys are chasing her and you're wondering why but then gasp! she sacrifices herself to keep her baby hidden! (but I am also guilty of killing off a loved one in the prologue, so don't worry too much) Moving on xD

Current Blurb: Haunted by the dreadful memories of the past, the only thing that pushes him forward is his baby sister. They get separated in an orphanage where she is sold to a rich family. Lucius then, with his newly acquired friend Michael, decides to escape foster home and rescue his sister.

Miya's Suggestions: Laili keeps dreadful memories of the past at bay, but when she is torn from Lucian, he's determined to get her back. Even if that means breaking out of an orphanage. Even if that means stealing her away from her new, rich family. Lucian's only form of help is Michael, a newly acquired friend with reasons of his own to launch their escape.

There's no need to copy this word for word. The main goal is to pack this thing with dynamic language and really shine the spotlight on the characters when you get the chance. For this reason, I've used Laili's name, attributed a trait to Lucian (determination), and given a detail to Michael to lessen the feeling that he's been tossed in after (when he plays a bigger role as I've found). An example of what I'm talking about for dynamic language is the difference between "get separated" and "torn". The latter will spark a stronger emotion in readers.

Current Blurb: Though events unfold drastically, suddenly the whole city is in a state of catastrophe, everything is engulfed in a fiery hellfire and dire creatures roam around terrorizing the townsfolk. In a world, where the old equilibrium is lost, unknown forces arise, now the only goal for youngsters is to self-preserve. As the journey for survival begins, along the way, they will have to master new skills, confront the enemies they never imagined before, even in their most bizarre dreams. And the most challenging part will remain to avoid losing themselves in the process. As there is a thin line between fighting the monsters and becoming the one yourself in the process...

Miya's Suggestions: One problem—the city of [insert city's name] is on fire. Dire creatures roam free, the old equilibrium is upset, and the world is quickly changing. Lucius and Michael must master new skills to confront unimaginable obstacles and enemies. But they'd better find Lucius' sister soon, before they risk losing themselves. 

There's a fine line between fighting monsters and becoming one.

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Writer Interaction: 2/5

Disclaimer: This category does not reflect on a writer's skill at all. It is merely given points as it shows the writer is invested in their readers' opinions and suggestions and can be used to project future growth. (Also, Miya is using her judging rubric and doesn't want to change it because it totals to a neat 100 points as is XD)

Writer responds to very few comments, but gives kind responses when they do.

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Plot/Pacing: 6/10

The plot progresses at a steady pace and has already reached the inciting incident by chapter 4. My favorite plot twist was the reveal that Michael's new acquaintance at the orphanage is, in fact, Lucius. I was wondering where the tie-in between the first two chapters and Michael's chapter would be and you delivered wonderfully.

I'm slightly confused as to the timeline since in the prologue, Laili is old enough to be hunting. Then first chapter begins with "two years before". I feel like there is also a time jump between chapters 1 and 2? Lucius tells Michael that Laili is two and two years later she'd only be four. Please tell me if I missed something—I'd like to understand this part.

The main thing that has bogged down the plot and pacing so far is the flashbacks, though I believe this is mostly because they are so frequent and unexpected. In a way, it detracts from your current action similarly to how the first two sections of your blurb kept the later section from taking the full spotlight. I don't think you need to get rid of your flashbacks, but there are ways to execute them which will allow them to complement your central plot line. I will touch on this in a later section.

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Description: 6/10

You have some great descriptions in your arsenal! Like this gorgeous one:

A sardonic smile revealed rows of spiky teeth glinting, smeared with blood.

or

Crimson beams of the rising sun, glinting on the temple domes, were entwined as a golden crown around the city of white stone.

Like, I said—gorgeous.

That said, I think a great area for you to focus on isn't necessarily to create better descriptions, but to incorporate balance. You have a tendency to give us description in blocks, huge chunks that are delicious but hard to swallow. What helps is to have a palette cleanser, meaning you can sprinkle in other other dishes and flavors, such as action beats, inner thoughts, and dialogue to better help us appreciate the descriptions. 

This is also true of your dialogue and action. When they show up, you tend to forget to description and some parts will lack what is abundant in others. I would say that you have each element, but need to learn to intertwine them to create a more flowing, diverse narrative. You have all the different colors of thread and need only practice the act of weaving them into a tapestry.

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Characters: 7/10

This may be unexpected, but Michael is by far my favorite character yet. I'm not sure if it was your intent, but my reasoning as to why is that Lucius is not as well-rounded a character as Michael is. He seems too strong and inhumanly perfect for me to relate to. Granted, he's seen through Michael's eyes, so there's a distance and mystery that wouldn't otherwise be there. Lai also has not been explored with enough depth and closeness for me to really get a strong feel for who she is.

But back to Michael XD 

There are certain characters who strike a chord with you—you resound with them, which is more than just relating to them. Michael is one of those characters to me. He's not strong, but he's not weak. He's not brave, but he's not a coward either. He's human and he's real and I want to root for him. He's fighting for something bigger than himself and I want for him to succeed. This is the passage that truly evoked that emotion:

Deep in his mind, Michael had always planned to run away and hide, and if they still found him, he still would not resist. But, at the last second, he always remembered the fearless captain who never backed down and stopped fighting. He felt, if he admitted defeat, he would lose something, something that was more important than avoiding the pain of the battered body.

Michael outshines the rest of the cast, in my opinion. But one thing I'm sure of is that if you can create a great character once, you can do it again. One other thing I appreciate about your characters is that the bullies are not solely bullies. They team up with Michael and Lucius later to escape.

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Vocabulary/Syntax: 5/10

While I can follow along with the story, there are quite a few instances where word choice will prompt me to re-read sentences and sections. A good editing sweep could help you ensure that your writing will convey what you want it to and with minimal confusion for the reader. There are times where your vocabulary could use more variety, most notably when it comes to action sequences.

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Grammar/Punctuation: 4/10

Editing will really help you out here and while I can't touch on everything, I'll give a few places to start.

The first are those pesky dialogue tags. 

There are certain rules to be followed with dialogue and its punctuation. You seem to have played around with a few different styles of punctuating yours and were right a couple times, but wrong on others. Here a couple examples:

Original: "Boy, boy," - she whispered. 
(Hyphens are not necessary dialogue punctuation.)
Fixed: "Boy, boy," she whispered.

Incorrect: "Come to my shop then" she whispered and turned around.
Original: "You will get a severe punishment for that", Aunt Louisa threatened.
(Commas or periods are needed to close dialogue, but should be placed before the quotation mark.)
Fixed: "Come to my shop then," she whispered and turned around.
Fixed: "You will get a severe punishment for that," Aunt Louisa threatened.

Many of the other grammar-related issues are because of run-on sentences, fragments or missing words. Having other writers proofread your work can help catch small errors like this one:

Original: The corridor was filled with newly awaken boys.
Fixed: The corridor was filled with newly *awakened boys.

Original: The shelter was on the top of the hill, looked down on Mondelay.
Fixed: The shelter atop the hill looked down on Mondelay.

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Style/Formatting: 4/10

This is an interesting category where I sort of cram miscellaneous points in when I can't decide where else they belong 😂

My first pointer here is to watch out for blocky paragraphs. These can be an issue on Wattpad since reading is electronic and it's harder for readers to focus as opposed to a physical paper and ink book. This is especially important when writing a fast-paced action scene. Bigger paragraphs are going to slow them down and rob the scenes of their tension.

The second pointer is with those flashbacks I mentioned earlier. I'd recommend not having more than a couple—probably around two to three—per chapter. More than that is likely to confuse the reader and/or redirect their attention away from the main story. When using a flashback, it's best to ground the reader by linking it to current events both for the entry and the exit.

Many of your flashbacks seemed to hit the reader out of nowhere. If you can lead us up to the flashback by revealing the character's train of thought, it will make the transition much smoother. One of your flashbacks began with a scream, so if the character were to hear a scream in the distance prior to the beginning of the flashback and draw a mental connection, that could be the entry point.

The third pointer is to eliminate distance between the reader and the pov character by removing filler words. There are many times where you write something along the lines of "Michael thought" and give his thoughts, while other times they are given directly. One way to avoid this is to put the thoughts in italics or to weave them in with the narrative. This is also true of the word "felt".

Original: Michael touched his own back and felt some herbs stuck to it.
Suggestion: Michael touched his back, his fingers brushing the delicate leaves of herbs stuck to his skin.

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Worldbuilding/Concept Originality: 5/10

This score is average for now, but I wouldn't take it badly since I haven't seen much of the world yet. The few scenes in the prologue and with Lai pique my interest about the magic that exists, as well as the shadow figure that appears when the boys are escaping the orphanage. Now that they've entered into the world beyond the orphanage, I have high hopes for your story's potential. It merely starts off smaller on the scale at first.

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Personal Enjoyment: 5/10

I think you've got a lot of potential with your work and I enjoyed the story and characters! With some editing and rewriting, I could see myself reading further <3

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 Total: 50/100

Congratulations, admirable one! You've obtained the rank of a four-tailed kat. Besides near human intelligence, the four-tailed are gifted in speech with the ability to throw their voice with greater skill than even the most masterful ventriloquist. Thank you so much for your patience and I hope this review is of help to you in your writing journey!