Author: PearlsByShirl

Book: Curse of the Clashing Worlds

Genre: Sci-Fi

Chapters Read: Prologue - Chapter 4

Kat Tails: 2

Thank you for your patience as I reviewed your work!
This review will contain spoilers for the chapters I read, so keep this in mind as you proceed.

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Cover: 3/5

The color scheme of this cover is cohesive and I like the text's pixel blur effect. Overall though, it's a bit underwhelming and doesn't give a great idea of the story. The author's name is difficult to read due to size and there's a lot of empty space on the cover.

I would highly recommend checking out a cover shop on Wattpad to find a cover that helps your story shine!

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Title: 2/5

I'm admittedly not a fan of this title. It's vague, wordy, and lacks hook or mystery. I'm also having trouble pegging the story's genre (it wasn't included in the form so I'm having to guess). It's leaning more toward sci-fi than fantasy, at present. The title does fit the cover however, so I like the connection there.

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Blurb: 1/5

In the future, a new world is discovered linking past events to the present. Three people journey to a world within their world. Along the journey, truth to past events surface while those threatened by this seek to find and destroy anyone who may reveal it.

This takes place on a dystopian world full of pollution and rats may be the answer to everything. Sam, Sarah, and Tony go on a quest that will forever change their lives and the lives of people on earth. Will it be for the better or the worse?

The first paragraph of the blurb is extremely vague. What is the new world, the past events, the journey, the truth? Who are the three people and who is threatened by the truth? The following paragraph provides some information about the world and the names of the three protagonists, but little else. In general, you should try and provide the following info in the blurb with the same style throughout: characters + setting + conflict + stakes. You have the setting, but the characters, conflict, and stakes could use some more description.

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Writer Interaction: 4/5

Disclaimer: This category does not reflect on a writer's skill at all. It is merely given points as it shows the writer is invested in their readers' opinions and suggestions and can be used to project future growth. (Also, Miya is using her judging rubric and doesn't want to change it because it totals to a neat 100 points as is XD)

Writer is highly invested in readers' interactions.

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Plot/Pacing: 3/10

The plot is interesting enough with the mutant rats in Sam's home and the guy trying to buy it out from under her. It reminds me of Up in that way. The pacing could use some work as the story follows an action, dialogue, action, dialogue form with little variation. I would recommend trying to focus less on the everyday actions and dialogue and really honing in on the parts that will help propel your plot forward.

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Description: 2/10

I enjoyed the descriptions of the rats! They helped me visualize how abnormal the creatures must have looked and highlighted their unusual traits.

In a lot of scenes, the description is lacking as it's overshadowed by the action and dialogue. When you do provide description, it tends to be given in a list prior to the character appearing. This is the case when Sam is described in the introduction chapter and when Sarah and Tony are described. I would recommend trying to sprinkle the character descriptions in during the story instead of doing it all at once.

It will also help if you intersperse more action tags with the dialogue. Instead of mostly having speaking tags, like she says and he replies, you can show what the character is doing and give an idea of what their surroundings look like as well.

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Characters: 2/10

Another problem with the list descriptions is that you as the author are telling  us what each character's personality is like rather than showing it through the story. The relationships the characters had, especially the sisters had a realism that I appreciated. I also liked Travis' backstory in chapter 4 that illustrated his loyalty to his boss. Including more moments like these will help your characters to come to life for readers by helping them be more well-rounded.

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Vocabulary/Syntax: 2/10

There were quite a few typos scattered throughout your writing. Your word choice is simple, which isn't a bad thing, but I'd recommend trying to switch up your sentence structure a tad.
Here's an example with the following passage:

Original: My mother can make anyone her friend. She doesn't believe in killing people. She will always give her opinion on any situation. My mother was always the center of attention. She has thick black coily hair and smooth dark chocolate skin with curvy features. Her head sits strongly on her shoulders and her hazel eyes light up a room. She has a sharp straight nose and thin dark eyebrows.

Sentence structure variety and dynamic word choice example: Lots of people find my mother approachable and easy to befriend. She's always been an expert at the balancing act of being both soft-hearted and strong-minded. Sometimes, I imagine her to be a dancer at the center of the stage, drawing every eye in the room. She tilts her chin proudly, the thick black coils of her hair cascading over the midnight skin of her shoulders. With hazel eyes sparkling in the spotlight and a confident readiness to her curvy build, she gives a glance that says, Come at me, world. I'm ready.

This is an example of how you can elevate your writing with the use of metaphors. Sure, Sam might not be a dancer, but you can make comparisons to anything a character finds interest and familiarity in. Does your character like to garden? She could then be compared to a flower. Using powerful words and introducing variety to the structure of your sentences will help draw the reader in. Pay special attention to beginning sentences differently.

Original beginnings: My, She, She, My, She, Her, She

Example beginnings: Lots, She's, Sometimes, She, With

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Grammar/Punctuation: 2/10

Your punctuation could use some polishing. I'll give a few examples of the most consistent errors I found as a starting point.

The biggest thing you'll want to work on is dialogue punctuation. Unlike most essays or research papers you'll write, fiction and storytelling use these a lot. So it's super important to know how to use them well!

Original (Chapter 1): "What fell"?

The first rule of dialogue we'll be going over is that the punctuation to end the dialogue always goes inside the quotation mark. In this case it would look like this:

Corrected (Chapter 1): "What fell?"

Next is that if a speaking tag precedes or follows dialogue, there should be a comma connector (unless the dialogue ends in a question or exclamation mark).

Original (Chapter 1): Sarah annoyingly said "Why are you calling me for this?"

Corrected (Chapter 1): Sarah annoyingly said, "Why are you calling me for this?" or "Why are you calling me for this?" Sarah said annoyingly.

Finally, be sure to capitalize the beginning of the dialogue.

Original (Chapter 1): He answers "my name is Travis like the president".

Corrected (Chapter 1): He answers, "My name is Travis like the president."

Another small tip is that when using ellipses, three dots should be used. No more, no less...

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Style/Formatting: 2/10

I would highly recommend revamping your prologue. It's the first thing a reader sees, so it's very important that it be something that can be experienced by the reader instead of being told to the reader.

Here's what I mean. The prologue goes into detail about how the bathtub cleaners pollute the ocean and cause the seafood to be contaminated. There's an outbreak of horrible symptoms and people start dying but no one discovers the cause for a long while. When they do, rat saliva is found to be the cure and they become a priceless commodity.

Instead of being fed all this info, you could follow a character who goes and eats this unnatural seafood but falls ill after (with all the colorful symptoms that were listed). Or you could take us into the world of a rat hunter who sells their catches on the black market.

The possibilities here are endless, but the goal here is to transport the reader! You want to make them forget that this is a book. That's is the basis of telling vs. showing.

I found the tense shifts and fourth wall breaks to be somewhat confusing, so it's up to you if you want to keep those. Another suggestion is to add some more paragraph breaks.  They should be added at different speakers and shifts in focus. For example:

Original (Chapter 4): Sam responds "Can I get a coffee?" Travis replies "Same" The waiter writes everything down and leaves the table.

Corrected: Sam responds, "Can I get a coffee?"

"Same," Travis adds.

The waiter writes everything down and leaves the table.

Sam, Travis, and the waiter are all shifts in focus and should be given their own paragraphs. Characters don't like to share elbow room.

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World-building/Concept Originality: 3/10

I think you have a great imagination and amazing ideas. I was initially skeptical about people having a ration of 2 liters of water per week when fluid intake per day is around 2-4 liters. But then you brought up there's water alternatives!

I would have liked to see more grounding when it comes to your world-building. Some of the elements in your story require a bit more suspension of disbelief than I can handle. It's cool to explore new ideas, but having more detail and explanation will both help your readers to learn about your world and suck them deeper into it. Like what are the water alternatives? How do they make them? Why did so many people fall ill eating the contaminated seafood? Was it a social media fad? Did they have a food shortage?

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Personal Enjoyment: 2/10

This story isn't my cup of tea, but I think you have a lot of potential with your ideas. A little proofreading and working on your foundation will go a long way.

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Total: 28/100

Congratulations, my friend! You've obtained the rank of a two-tailed kat. The nose knows, as they say, and yours is specially equipped to sniff out poisons. So dine on those delicacies with abandon and continue to grow both in tummy and tails!
Thank you for applying for this review and I hope it is of help to you in your writing journey!