Author: YelenaLugin

Title of Work: Breath of Mist

Package: Silver Egg Package

Reviewed: Chapters 1-10

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1 out of 5

I really like the font, but I think the figures on the couple are conflicting and for that, I don't really get fantasy vibes from the cover. Without looking at the blurb or the first chapter, I get melancholic vibes like something traumatic may have happened to either figure on the cover. I think it would really help to add some more color or organize the elements in a way that makes it easily identifiable as fantasy.

2 out of 5

The blurb is a little vague. The first sentence is good, it's enough to entice the reader. Though, the first sentence of the following paragraph could use a little bit more information. What is the treaty? What are the obstacles she's facing right now? Where is this world taking place? I don't really get a sense of whether this is real life or not, because coupled with the cover, it doesn't feel like fantasy. Some add-ons could help embellish the blurb a little more, like what kind of world it is - a kingdom in the skies? Or an underwater kingdom? An alternate universe? Key words like these can help provide a lot of context in just one or two words without distracting from the main point.

"...the life Ariana has known will disintegrate beneath her feet."  > what is the life that Ariana has known? We don't know. It sounds like her world is ideal now and that's going to crumble away, which can contradict the first sentence in which you introduce her "monstrous father." I think it may be helpful to clarify this a little bit more.

"She will need to earn her enemy's trust to gain the freedom she has never actually known." > Why? How does she get from Point A to Point B? I don't understand what the stakes are, what the real conflict is, and what the consequences are if she doesn't succeed in uniting the two races. Think of it along this framework: [character] has to [action A] in order to [resolution].

5 out of 5

I loved the opening! Something about your word choice (i.e., symphony and excruciating) and the way you set the tone really resonated strongly with me. It makes it easy for us to connect with the character instantly because we understand the situation he's in and we want to know why. Really strong opening hook.

10 out of 10

I thought the story was reasonably paced. It was easy to follow along and you did a wonderful job with the carefully placed cliffhangers. There was never a dull moment and every scene had me on the edge of my seat, wondering when Erik would reveal himself to Ariana and I wasn't disappointed!

10 out of 10

Erik - Although Erik is a dark character, I love how we get to see things from his perspective. From outsiders looking in, he seems to be toxic, dangerous, but there seems to be something deeper to his character and why he is the way the he is. There's something about him that makes me want to learn more and seeing how he views Ariana, it's almost as if he views her as his savior in a way. It's almost like he's placing her on this pedestal like she's this purest angel that shouldn't be tainted by his hands.

Ariana - I really liked the chapters that explored Ariana's introspective thoughts. It's fun to learn about things alongside a MC because it's like we're on the journey with them and that's what fantasy is all about! I love how she's wary around Erik, but there's just some sort of pull she feels towards him.

I feel invested in these characters and they felt very well-rounded and balanced. Job well done! 

10 out of 10

The world building is just *chef kisses* perfect! One thing that I tend to critique on a lot is that fantasy novels tend to not show the journey from one place to another when that's a great time to introduce more of the world to the reader and get a sense of the environment from the MC's eyes or another character's eyes. I love that you didn't just time skip to when they arrived, but rather showed the climate and illustrate the characters' feelings in those moments.

I love the way you describe the magic when Erik reveals himself as a conjuror. It really adds to the mystery and I loved seeing the parallel as Ariana sees him as this dangerous being for the first time and how Erik notices her fear and discomfort around him. The magic isn't cheesy, but it's woven into the narrative in a natural way that eases the readers into your world.

At first, I struggled with the different races and countries, but that tends to be a given with fantasy novels in the beginning since we have to give the author time to build these concepts, introduced, but as the story went on, I became invested in the Bavadrins, in Ariana's story.

10 out of 10

There is something absolutely captivating by the way you describe how the characters look and the setting around them. Your adjectives are unique and flow together so nicely that it's almost like an epic poem. It's not too much, but it also doesn't leave the character wondering about the gaps because there aren't any!

My favorite part about the descriptions in dual POV is the contrast between the MC and the love interest. I love seeing how their opinions of each other shift over time and it's done in such an emotionally raw way that's relatable and enchanting. Although the tension could be cut with a knife, it's done wonderfully well!

10 out of 10

I thought the dialogue sounded very natural and it was easy to follow along with the conversations. I loved that you supplement your dialogue with some descriptions or an explanation of concepts that are introduced. Additionally, you do a great job of weaving in character mannerisms (i.e., body language, facial expressions, and character thought) without it distracting the reader, but it rather adds to the story and creates a compelling narrative.

 9 out of 10

Chapter 2

↣ There is a comma missing in the line after the dialogue where Edda asks "Have you eaten today?" 

↣ There is an extra space after the sentence, "The Lysian has no scars on his body."

Chapter 3

↣ I believe there is a comma missing between "me" and "Ariana" in the beginning of this chapter.

↣ There's some  weird indenting in the beginning of "He's an animal..."

Chapter 4

↣ I think there's a comma missing right before "Edda has said..."

↣ In the paragraph where Ariana is talking about sending word to the sparrow archers, I would just like to note to be mindful of how often you start a sentence with "they" because it can become repetitive. I do like that you broke it up a bit, so it wasn't three sentences in a row.

↣ I think a comma is needed after "With a sigh..."

Chapter 7

↣ I think there should be a period instead of a comma here "Bjorn took a deep breath..."

↣ I think there should be a period instead of a comma before this part "...Edmond arched a golden brow."

Chapter 10

↣ A comma is missing in this line ["Fine" I grumbled...].

Although I mention these errors, they were quite minor and didn't impact my immersion in the story. Overall, I can tell a lot of thought and care went into the story as you did very thorough proofreading, it was hard to find those small errors at all!

10 out of 10

I really enjoyed this story! I know I reviewed your other book for another contest, so I expected it to be really good and jam-packed with action and tension. Your characters are so relatable, it was easy to be invested in their stories and progression. Your strengths are certainly your ability to captivate a reader with your vivid descriptions and complex plotlines.

Something you should consider working on is your blurb and your cover. These are the first things Wattpaders look at when they determine whether they want to read a story. You have such a compelling story, your cover and blurb should reflect that as well! Best way to determine what's best for you is to select important elements, symbols from the story. And look at fantasy covers of published books to get an idea of color schemes and moods. 

You don't have to apply all of my suggestions, but I tried to explain as best I could about what could have been done better. I wish you the best of luck in your writing endeavors!

~ Wera

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