Author: HAJones21

Title of Work: Blade of the North

Package: Silver Egg Package

Reviewed: Chapter 1 (Part 1) through Chapter 5 (Part 2)

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4.5 out of 5

I think the cover is great! I love the color scheme, the character, and the font style. I think it all meshes well together. My only critique is that the subtitle isn't visible. My recommendation for Wattpad covers is to avoid subtitles with a decent amount of text because there's no way for us to zoom in or read what's there.

2 out of 5

I think your blurb is a good start, but it feels like there could be more to help show the reader what the story is about. It does a good job of setting up the conflict, but don't forget to take some time to set the tone and setting of the story. For example, why are the armies invading these towns? And what happened to her father? The last sentence is the first we've heard of him, so it felt a little thrown in and not as developed as the conflict.

Think of it along this framework: [character] has to [action A] in order to [resolution]. Something that helps me put together a blurb is to map out the major plot points.

3 out of 5

I like that the opening hook begins with a bit of action, though I felt like it was lacking some emotion to really drive home what the characters are experiencing in this moment of panic. I would like to know what's going through the MC's head at this moment. It just felt a little disconnected, and like you were telling us what she's experiencing rather than expressing it. Do images of her loved ones flash before her eyes as she considers death may be closer than she thinks? Is her heart racing? Is she trembling?

Another thing I struggled with is picturing the characters in the first few paragraphs. There's a way to incorporate character description without it coming off as a textbook or info dump. For example, is Rose sweating from running or out of fear? Sometimes hair can stick to one's skin if they're sweating nervously. Is her hair disheveled from awakening to the attack?

When you describe that her eyes are filled with fear, what color are her eyes?

10 out of 10

I thought the story was reasonably paced. I didn't have any difficulties following along and thought the cliffhangers were placed in good positions. The plot had a consistently engaging story that made it very enjoyable. Overall, no comments for improvement. I think you did great in this aspect.

6 out of 10

I think Sara is an interesting character. She seems very determined, though I would have liked to see a bit more of what she's thinking. Part of what makes first person so amazing is that it's easier to make the reader empathize with the main character. I don't really get that sense from Sara and would have loved to see more of what she's thinking and less about what she's seeing. Preparing the setting is important, but you don't want it to overwhelm the characters' presence.

6 out of 10

I think the world building is very detailed. The only critique I have is to be careful of info dumping. In the first chapters, I think some added lines like "Farley, my home" or "the capital of...." really drag the sentence. You could change it up to make it simpler. For example, when the MC witnesses the burning of her town. Perhaps there could be an added thought about how Farley once appeared to her and explain how her home has changed since the Emperor's armies invaded.

In Chapter 4 (Part 1), when you're describing the setting, I felt that it was becoming an info dump. Choose the relevant pieces and what the reader needs to know at that moment. If it's not central to the plot, chances are that it may not be necessary. I know it's easy to get carried away, as I do it a lot in my early draft stages, but try to view things from the reader's perspectives. With high fantasy, it's easy to get lost with all the location names. Sometimes a fantasy map can resolve this, and other times, you just have to cut the info.

For example, when you're talking about locations by Ariven River, I get kind of lost because I'm not familiar with Erwin Forest or Granoc Mountains. The locations don't really hold meaning for me. 

5 out of 10

I think you need more character description. In Chapter 2 (part 2), a lot of characters are introduced, most of whom are introduced for the first time and the reader is not connected to them on an emotional level yet. I struggled to remember who was who and I didn't feel each voice was distinct enough to be memorable. I think one way to address this is to incorporate more character description. You don't have to dedicate paragraphs for this, but you want to ensure that every character serves a purpose and is memorable. One way to do that is to set up character description. And it also makes it easier for the reader to visualize the scene.

I think there could be more setting description. You do a good job of introducing what the character sees or hears, but there should be more variety to help fill in those blanks. It just felt like you were telling the reader what the characters are experiencing as opposed to showing us through the characters' eyes. Everything feels rather "numb", I think more emotion could be added and it would help establish and distinguish character personalities.

5 out of 10

In the earlier chapters, I felt that there was an imbalance between dialogue, narrative, and description in that there wasn't enough description or information about the characters. As the story progressed (around Chapter 4), I could see you adding more description, but the dialogue still feels very disjointed. The lines feel separated, like we're taking a backseat to what's happening as opposed to feeling like we're there. I think the dialogue itself is good, but there needs to be a little extra in the character's actions to show us their personality and make their voice distinct from others. Nevertheless, the dialogue felt very real and natural, so it was easy to get swept up in the emotions these characters experienced as the story went on.

10 out of 10

Overall

Well-written, with few to no errors. Great job!

7 out of 10

The story has a very interesting conflict and intriguing antagonists! There are a couple of major issues that are holding your story back and I think once you address them, it will really help elevate your story:

1) Incorporate more description. Don't just rely on what the characters are seeing. Try to incorporate 2-3 senses in your description and mix it up a bit so it's not all what the characters are seeing. You must also determine what's necessary and essential to the plot. So that means making tough decisions about the world building bits. It's every fantasy writer's nightmare, but it's something really important to take into consideration if you want the reader to connect with your characters and be fully immersed in your world.

2) Add more emotion/expression in your characters. You were on the right track when you would incorporate the MC's thoughts here and there. But you have to continue to loop their emotions in as they're going through these hurdles and experiencing these conflicts with the Peace Bringers. The best way to do this with your MC is to imagine you are the MC. Ask yourself how you would feel in different situations and express that in your writing. I think it'll really help establish a stronger connection with the MC.

3) Make your characters' voices distinct. Try to avoid introducing several characters at once. And when introducing a character, try to incorporate at least one sentence of description so that we can remember them. One thing that helps me with this issue is to imagine myself in that character's shoes or associate them with a friend who has a similar personality to them. Read the dialogue out loud and ask yourself if it sounds natural and if it flows with the rest of the story.

As I always tell my clients, this isn't to say it wasn't a great story. Everyone always has something they need to work on, so don't take the few low scores to heart. No one ever has a perfect story, it takes a few helpful people and an author's ambition to get it to where they want to be. So, don't be afraid to make mistakes or ask yourself questions when you come to those difficult decisions. I do hope you take my suggestions into consideration because I think it would really help elevate your story.

You don't have to apply all of my suggestions, but I tried to give as many examples and ask as many questions as I could to help you brainstorm about what could have been done better. I wish you the best of luck in your writing endeavors!

~ Wera

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