Is this what death feels like?

I was expecting to feel the excruciating pain that I was feeling just moments ago before I passed out. Eyes closed, I began feeling my arms and torso for any broken bone or dislocated joint. Kumunot ang noo nang wala akong naramdaman. I should be torn to pieces by now. Why...don't I feel anything?

Ilang beses akong huminga nang malalim, hinahanda ang sarili sa kung anumang makikita ko pagmulat ko. I stopped when I realized that my chest no longer hurts. I can breathe again.

Am I dead?

Nagmulat ako ng mata, bahagyang nagulat nang salubungin ako ng kawalan. Bakit ang dilim? I squinted and looked for any living thing.

Mina...

Napahawak ako sa dibdib nang bigla kong marinig ang pamilyar na boses na iyon. It's the same voice that I heard when I was on the bus. And just like before, a warm sensation enveloped me. I searched for the caller, but everything around me was black. I can still see myself, but everything else just looks like an empty void.

Mina! came his voice again, it was louder and more urgent now. It reverberated from all around me, so I couldn't point out where exactly it was coming from.

What?! I asked.

The voice chuckled, which made me shiver. Wake up, he said. Parang hinagod ng boses na iyon ang buong pagkatao ko. Weird.

Wake up? So does this mean that I'm just asleep? Am I just dreaming? I pinched myself just to be sure. Wala akong naramdaman. So...nananaginip nga ako.

Mina, gising...

But how will I wake up from this dream? I closed my eyes and repeatedly told myself to wake up. But when I opened my eyes again, I was still in the same dark place.

I was already losing hope, so ready to give up...when I saw a light from afar. Parang gumagalaw iyon...papalapit iyong sa akin.

Mina!

I think the voice was coming from that light. Habang papalapit kasi iyon ay papalakas nang papalakas ang boses na tumatawag sa 'kin.

MINA! WAKE UP!

I covered my ears. The nice singsong voice was gone now. It was replaced by a shrilly, almost angry voice.

MINA! ISA!

The whole place shook. I was frozen in place as the bright light enclosed me.

--

Everything was blurry at first, so I rubbed my eyes a few times. When things became clearer, I was confused when I saw my mother standing at the foot of my bed, arms on her hips, with lips, pursed, and eyes, glaring at me.

"Ano? Hindi ka pa rin babangon?" iritado niyang tanong. May hawak na tambo si mama, handa nang ipalo sa akin kung hindi pa ako babangon.

I'm still unsure if this is real, though. Baka naman aparisyon lang ni mama ang nakikita ko? So I asked her, "Ma, patay ka na rin?"

I was half-joking when I asked her that. Kasi hindi ko na talaga alam ang mararamdaman ko. One moment, umaalog-alog ako sa loob ng bus kasama ang ibang pasahero. Tapos, nawalan ako ng malay. Nang magkamalay ulit ako, biglang nasa ibang lugar naman ako. Isang madilim na lugar na ako lang ang nandoon. And then this...

She didn't find it funny, though. Itinaas niya ang tambong hawak at akmang papaluin ako kaya bumalikwas ako ng bangon.

"Sinabi ko na sa 'yong huwag kang iinom! Kita mo ngayon, kung anu-ano 'yang lumalabas sa bibig mo!" paninermon niya.

"Hindi naman ako uminom—" Weird. What's this disgusting taste in my mouth? Huminga ako sa kamay ko. Bakit ang baho ng hininga ko? Bukod sa morning breath, amoy-alak din ako. My head started aching suddenly, and my throat felt so dry.

Lumapit si mama sa akin. Naupo siya sa tabi ko at hinilot ang ulo ko. Doon ko napansin na parang may kakaiba sa kanya.

"Uminom ka ng gamot pagkatapos mong kumain. Maligo ka na rin. Baka mahuli tayo sa kasal ng pinsan mo," sabi niya sa akin.

"Okay," mahina kong sagot.

Nang ilayo niya ang kamay ay saka ko natingnang mabuti kung ano 'yong nahagip ng mata ko kanina. Hinawakan ko ang kaliwang kamay niya. "Bakit may tali kang hawak, Ma?"

Ngumuso si mama. "Anong tali?" Tiningnan niyang mabuti ang kamay saka kunot-noong tumingin sa 'kin. "Lasing ka pa bang bata ka? Bumaba ka na sa kusina at magkape."

Kinuha ni mama ang tambong hawak kanina saka sya lumabas ng kwarto. Alangan akong sumunod sa kanya. May sinulid talaga, e. Bakit hindi nya makita? Hindi ako pwedeng magkamali. Lumalabas ang pulang tali mula sa daliri ni mama. Pero baka naman lasing pa rin ako? Parang mas convincing pa nga na lasing pa rin ako. Lasing pa nga yata ako.

--

Strings! Strings everywhere!

Nababaliw na yata ako. Lahat ng taong makasalubong ko, may tali sa kamay. Mukhang nanggagaling iyon sa loob ng kaliwang palasingsingan nila. Ako lang ang walang gano'n. I feel so out of place and I don't know if it's a good thing. Naalala ko 'yong isang movie na napanuod ko dati. Alien na pala 'yong mga nakakasalamuha nya, sya na lang ang tao. Ganoon kaya ang nangyayari ngayon?

Hirap na hirap akong maglakad kanina sa daan dahil pakiramdam ko matatapilok ako. Ang daming tali! I noticed that the red strings sometimes connect and glow. Iyong iba, kulay gold pa. Iyong iba, kagaya ng sa Tita Flora ko, kulay itim ang dulo.

I don't know what this means. Hindi kaya napunta ako sa isang parallel universe kung saan lahat ng tao ay may sinulid sa katawan?

"Mina! Magsisimula na ang kasal. Bilisan mo!" utos sa 'kin ni mama.

Nagmadali kaming pumasok sa isang lugar sa tabi ng simbahan kung saan naroon ang mga kasama sa entourage. Wala pa yata kaming limang minutong nandoon nang dumating ang kotse na lulan ang bride. Agad na pinapasok sa loob ng simbahan si Kuya Sam. Pinahanay na rin kami ng wedding coordinator sa labas.

I looked at the sky and frowned. Hindi ba napakalakas ng ulan kagabi? Wala man lang kaulap-ulap ngayon. Magandang-maganda ang sikat ng araw. Weird. Everything about this day is weirding me out.

"Earth to Karmina."

Napatunghay ako.

"Ano, tutunganga ka na lang dyan?" taas-kilay na tanong ng kuya ko. He was offering me his arm. "Next na tayo!"

Kumapit ako sa braso ni Kuya Sic. Masyado yata akong nag-space out, nakalimutan kong magka-partner nga pala kami sa paglalakad.

Sumunod kami sa dalawang nasa unahan papasok ng simbahan. Engrande ang ayos sa loob. Pinagkagastusang maigi. Anak kasi ng mayor ang mapapangasawa ng pinsan ko, kaya bigatin ang sponsors at mga ninong at ninang. Mamahalin ang mga bulaklak na nakalagay sa tigkabilang-gilid ng aisle. Magandang-maganda rin ang ayos ng altar. It's like a paradise on its own. Para tuloy ang sarap ikasal.

Naghiwalay kami ni Kuya nang makaabot sa unahan. Tumabi ako sa isa kong pinsan habang siya naman ay tumabi kay Kuya Abe, pinsan namin na asawa naman ng katabi ko, si Ate Jen. Sa tabi naman ng groom ay ang best man...and coincidentally, ex ng pinsan ko, si Kyle.

Magulo. Napakagulo ng love story nila.

Nabaling ang tingin ko sa may pintuan nang magsitayo ang mga bisita. The bride, who's looking effortlessly ethereal, just walked in with her parents. But it wasn't her beauty that captured my attention. It was the red string that was slowly making its way to the altar. Sinundan ko iyon ng tingin. I had an inkling of what it meant, and I was kind of expecting it to connect to Sam's, because after all, they're about to get wed.

So imagine my shock when it connected to Kyle's instead!

Alam kong mukha akong tangang nakamaang habang unti-unting naging kulay ginto ang pulang sinulid pero kasi...What the heck does that mean?!

And if that wasn't weird enough, there's this one guy, standing beside my brother, who's blatantly staring at me. Hindi ko alam kung kasali siya sa groomsmen kasi iba ang outfit na suot niya. He's wearing a baby blue dress shirt tucked in his pants, with sleeves rolled up to the elbows. Nakapailalim iyon sa isang dark blue vest. Atop his curly hair is a fedora hat. He removed said hat and made a bowing gesture toward me.

Ngumiti siya sa akin, exposing his perfectly white teeth and dimples on each cheek. Bukod sa dimples niya, nakakatuwa ring tingnan ang kulot niyang buhok. The guy is cute.

Kinuhit ko ang nakatatanda kong pinsan. "Ate Jen, sino 'yong lalaking katabi ni Kuya? Hindi si Kuya Abe, ha. 'Yong nasa kaliwa nya," pabulong kong tanong.

Nagsalubong ang kilay ni Ate Jen. "Huh? Wala naman syang katabi bukod kay Abe, Mina."

I was about to argue with her when I noticed that the mysterious guy wasn't there anymore. Kinilabutan ako bigla. Minumulto yata ako.

--

I didn't know why I felt uneasy when Sam and Gizelle exchanged their I Do's. I didn't know until...Kyle made his toast. He tried his best to sound happy. He delivered a few jokes and made everyone laugh, but for some reason, his speech made my heart ache. Kitang-kita ko kasi iyong gintong sinulid na nag-uugnay sa kanilang dalawa ng pinsan ko.

The two have a history and for a long time, everyone thought that they were going to get married someday. But then, Sam got into the picture and everything changed. Gizelle and Kyle grew apart. Lumayo ng ilang taon si Kyle habang nagkamabutihan naman sina Gizelle at Sam.

When Kyle came back, it was already too late. Sam already proposed to Gizelle. Akala pa namin dati, magkakagulo silang tatlo. Pero walang nangyaring sumbatan. Kyle just...gave up. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. Hindi ko alam ang buong kwento dahil masyadong pribado ang tatlo. But their lives continued like nothing ever happened. And then, Sam asked Kyle to be his best man.

Siguro hindi okay kay Kyle na maging best man, pero pumayag pa rin sya dahil kay Gizelle. Maybe he wanted them to feel like everything is okay so they won't have to worry. Seloso kasi si Sam. And I knew that my cousin would be torn if she learned that Kyle still has feelings for her. Malaking kahihiyan kapag nagkataon.

"I know what you're thinking about."

I felt tingles at the back of my neck. The voice sounded so familiar. Nilingon ko ang nagsalita. I was shocked to find the cute guy sitting beside me. Wait, how long has he been there?

"Hi!" nakangiti niyang bati.

"Uhm...hello?"

"Sino'ng kausap mo?" nakangusong tanong ni Kuya.

Itinuro ko ang katabi ko. "Sya."

"Wala ka kayang katabi!" puna ni Je, best friend ni Kuya.

Binalingan ko ang lalaki sa tabi ko. Wala na naman sya!

He keeps on disappearing. Unless na mabilis lang talaga syang kumilos, then he's probably a ghost. O baka nasa ibang mundo ako at normal ang ganito? Hindi ko pa rin alam. Kailangan ko ng kalinawan at hindi ko alam kung kanino ko makukuha 'yon.

The strings, the disappearing guy, and my gut feeling that this wedding shouldn't have happened were too much for my confused mind to handle. But to add to my confusion, I heard that guy's voice again. He told me, You were right. She should have married the best man.