Thanks so much for the support so far on this story!! <3 Please comment and vote to help it grow!! Much love to you all!
xo

Song: Calum Scott - Dancing on my Own

**

To: Dad 3:01pm
Can you call Dr. Swanson and tell her to call me today? I need to talk to her.

After the realization hit me that I was capable of allowing Harry to touch me without dodging him in any way, I wasn't able to focus in Editing class. Not that I needed much focus on editing pictures of farmhouses and landscapes. Five year old's could do these pathetic assignments. I just couldn't shake the feeling that maybe it was just a fluke, but I wasn't going to attempt to see if it was or not, even though he was sitting right next to me. I had to wait until he wanted to be close to me again to find out, and who knows when that will be?

I feel like I have to talk to my therapist about it. I need to know what is normal and what isn't. Especially knowing that I haven't known Harry very long. I have so many questions fueling my mind, I know it's going to turn into a fluke just because I'm thinking too much about it.

Harry and I had found Astrid in her dorm room having a Harry Potter marathon after our little squabble. She was in her pajamas, tucked tightly into her bed, clutching onto a stuffed worn out brown rabbit with long ears. Her normally pale face was even more so now that she was sick, red formed under her eyes and her nose. She looked like death fell upon her.

Now that Editing class is over, I'm on my way back to Astrid's to bring her hot soup from the cafeteria in hopes to make my sick friend feel better. Harry had picked out the kind of soup he thought she should have, deeming chicken noodle the best for her sickness and made me buy her an apple to keep her from having to see the Doctor, while he whined the whole time about not being able to come with me because he had to meet Ruby in the studio to do their portraits. I couldn't help but laugh at how easily he turned into a pouty child, the way he so quickly complained about having to be alone with her. You would think he disliked her as much as I did, but I knew that wasn't the case.

From: Dad 3:03pm
Is everything okay? Please tell me you're okay!

From: Dad 3:04pm
But yes, I will call her for you.

To: Dad 3:05pm
I'm fine Dad, I promise. I just need to ask her something.

Despite Astrid being sick, it is nice to just hang out with her. Her dorm room is just as big as mine, but they have changed it around, moving the two beds to one side of the room against the same wall and a mounted flat screen hanging on the opposite. I found myself wishing I had a flat screen as Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix plays on hers, while I sit on her fuzzy pink carpet at the end of her bed.

"I heard you guys yelling in the parking lot earlier today," Astrid informs me, after blowing on the spoon to cool her soup. I take my eyes off the screen to see she's already looking at me with her big puffy red eyes. "I was watching you through my window."

I swallow in embarrassment realizing people overheard our pathetic altercation and wonder how many others were watching us behind the walls of the big brown buildings so many students called their homes.

"Care to explain?" She sniffles. "Because I hate to think I missed something big! And if you guys were fighting, it means I missed something big!"

"I kinda yelled at Ruby," I admit.

"And I missed it?" Astrid screeches, standing from her desk chair. "Stupid cold! Oh my God! What?"

I can't help but laugh at her reaction. It's exactly how I knew she would.

"So, wait? Harry was mad that you told her off?" She sits on the floor in front of me, looking eager to find out everything that happened. Simply a teenager wanting to know the latest gossip.

After explaining to Astrid everything that happened with Ruby and what Harry had said and why I was yelling, she just stares at me without saying anything.

My phone dings twice and I look down at my phone to see who the incoming texts are from.

From: Harry 4:05pm
I'll set up the studio for us. Just stay with Astrid and make sure she's feeling better! See you at 5!

From: Dad 4:05pm
Dr. Swanson will call you between clients today, which will probably be soon. I hope nothing happened and you're alright! I love you!

"I wish you could see that he likes you." Astrid says with desperation in her voice, when I revert my attention back to her. "God, he has it so bad for you, how can you not see that?"

I stand up from my place on the floor, running my hands through my hair. "It's not that simple, Astrid!" I groan. "We've known each other a week! Why does it feel like we've known each other for so much longer? I don't understand. This whole thing is just so confusing to me!"

"He clearly wanted you to tell him you didn't want him to hook up with Ruby," she states firmly. "And don't even think about lying to me again about liking him, because I'm not stupid! I can tell that you do!" The soup must have made her feel better, because an hour ago, before the soup, she wouldn't have been up on her feet following me as I pace her room, and speaking her mind as loud as she is, pointing her finger in my direction.

The whole thing is something I haven't had to deal with in such a long time, making it all new to me. I don't even know how to tell if someone likes me. The last time someone showed a real interest in me, was in high school, that much I knew. But with everything that I've went through, it's made high school just a blur of moments that I can't even tell if they're real or not.

"If he liked me, he wouldn't need me to tell him I don't want him to hook up with Ruby," I decide. "He just wouldn't do it." This, I am fairly certain of. If you have feelings for someone, you don't have sex with someone else, right? Even if you're not having sex with the person you do like? I don't know how things work nowadays, I've been out of the normal-real-world-dating-life for too long. "Okay, ya know what, I'm done! I don't like him! He doesn't like me! This is just too much bullshit for my brain. And on a day that started off so crappy---No more! Do not say another word, Astrid!"

She steps back putting her hands up in surrender before pretending to zip her mouth and throw away a fake key. "Okay, no more--but this conversation isn't over!"

"Oh, and by the way! We're partners for Portraits so you better feel better soon." I pick up my bags to get ready to leave.

"I thought Harry said to meet you at five?" She asks, as she gets back into bed. "It's only quarter after four."

"Whether he likes it or not, I'm not going to let him set up by himself and he's done with Ruby and their portraits in fifteen minutes," I explain. "I'll see you tomorrow! Feel better!"

"Thanks for the soup!" I hear her call as I close to her door behind me.

**

I had just gotten Harry and I some food from the cafeteria, deeming it doable for dinner while we worked for the next two hours, when my phone starts playing it's usual Halsey song as I walk down the stairs to the basement. I'm happy to see Dr. Swanson calling and shuffle the styrofoam containers to one hand so I can answer.

"It's so nice to hear from you, Paisley, I've been missing our chats," Dr. Swanson tells me. Although I really like her as my doctor and I trust her, I'm sure her bank account is missing me more than she is.

Seeing that there's barely anyone in the hallway, I decide to stop where I am at the bottom of the stairs so there's no way Harry can hear my voice echoing through the halls while I have this conversation, even though he's more than halfway down the corridor.

"Has everything been going okay since you've been at college?" She asks, after I don't say anything back to her.

"Yeah yeah, I just had a few questions," I tell her, quickly. "You see, I met this guy---" I tell her about how sometimes I'm comfortable and sometimes I get scared and explain to her the things that happen and every once in a while she 'mmhmm's' letting me know she's listening. "So I've only known him a week, and I was just wondering if it's normal in my situation to think I might like him? And why wasn't I afraid of him today? He totally calmed me down without having me want to curl up in a ball and fucking die. I mean, a week isn't a long time, I just can't see how only a fucking week can do this to me. Is it normal? I just feel confused."

"Paisley," she finally says. "You've been in therapy for four months, you've been working on this for four months already. I've watched you go from a girl with no hope left, to a young woman in college in just four months. After everything you've been through, I would like you to understand what an accomplishment that is in itself. Recovery with this sort of thing is different with everyone. But I know you're strong. And I know you're capable of so much. If you are comfortable with this boy, let yourself be. Don't question it. Just let everything happen the way it's supposed to. I've told you time and time again, that overthinking things will set you back. Just let everything fall into place the way it's supposed to. With the thing that happened today, I think that was a way of showing yourself that you're ready to let him in. One day. One month. One year. Time means nothing if you're showing progress. And this Paisley, this is the kind of progress I love hearing from you."

I let out a sigh of relief hearing her words, and I smile to myself as I lean against the wall and slide down to the floor to sit. "So it's normal then? I sound like a normal fucking girl with a crush on a boy, don't I?" I laugh at the thought.

"A normal fucking girl with a crush on a boy!" She laughs with me. "I think it's safe to say by the way you've described some of the things he's done, that he likes you too! Everything will work out the way it's supposed to, just remember to stop overthinking things and you'll be fine!"

I say good-bye and allow myself to sit against the wall for a few moments trying to take in the fact that there's a chance I'm just a normal fucking girl with a crush. I never thought that would happen after everything. It makes me feel really excited to get to work with Harry tonight and the rest of the week. Excited for whatever is about to come.

So instead of wasting any more time, I stand up with our styrofoam container dinners and make my way to Studio One to help Harry set up, seeing that it's already twenty to five and there's work to be done before students come to get their pictures taken. Ruby should've left a good ten minutes ago and Harry has probably already started setting up.

When I get to the studio, the normal spotlights are on the backdrop and the rest of the room is dark. I'm confused as to why Harry isn't here and why nothing has been started to be set up yet, knowing he's a perfectionist when it comes to his work. I look back at the door to make sure I'm in the right studio and clear as day, from the lighting in the hallway, it says Studio One on the door.

Just as I'm going to turn on the light, I hear shuffling from the other side of the room that seems to be coming from behind a pile of equipment. I freeze, trying to listen, not knowing if it was just my imagination.

"Paisley is going to be here any minute," someone whispers.

"You told her five, you still have fifteen minutes." The voice of Ruby. Not a whisper. "And who cares anyways? It's not like you're cheating on her. She isn't your girlfriend."

"You need to leave, now!" Harry.

Harry and Ruby. Harry and Ruby in the studio? Together. In the dark? Ugh.

My mouth darts open realizing what's happening behind the equipment in the dark. I need to see this for myself, so I turn the lights on without a thought and walk farther into the room. I immediately regret doing this instead of walking out of the room, because witnessing the sight before me, I feel myself instantly break. The deep sense of happiness I had from the phone call with Dr. Swanson only a few moments ago, is now crushed. All of the meaning behind it, gone. Pointless.

Ruby stands against the wall in her black laced bra as Harry shoves her shirt at her trying to get her to take it from him. He has a panicked look on his face and she holds a smug smile that makes me want to punch her. But I'm not going to do that. I need to keep my composure and not show how upset I am. After all, I had told Harry I wouldn't care if he hooked up with Ruby. Or had I? I don't actually remember saying those words to him when he asked. In fact, I'm certain I didn't. Unless saying he can do whatever he wants, was his way of thinking I didn't care. Either way, it doesn't matter now.

I'm just a normal fucking girl with a crush on a boy.

When Harry starts walking towards me, I take in a deep breath to calm myself. "This isn't what it looks like---"

I force a smile on my face. "I brought dinner," I tell him, an octave higher than should have come out of my mouth, as I hold the containers out in front of him. "We have a lot of work to do. It's a good thing I got here early, because if I showed up at five like you told me to, we wouldn't be ready."

I walk away from him, putting all of my things on a nearby table against the wall on the other side of the room, trying to not be so obvious I need moment to breathe and close my eyes. My heart is pounding against my rib cage and tears are trying to fight their way out, but I wont let them. I can't show that I'm hurt. I'm stronger than that. 'It doesn't hurt. It doesn't hurt.' I keep saying over and over inside my head, even though I know I'm lying to myself.

When I turn around, Ruby is nowhere to be seen and Harry is moving a lighting umbrella while holding a tripod in his other hand, and I wonder how long I allowed myself to get myself together, realizing I probably took more time than I should have. 

I know at this moment, I am far from feeling together. The farthest from it. But I know that it doesn't really have much to do with the fact that Harry was with Ruby, because I knew that this was going to happen. I was aware of the fact that at some point, something more than what I witnessed was going to happen with them. He was honest with me from the beginning. It was more of the fact that I thought he would change his mind about doing it, without me having to tell him I wanted him to. And the feeling of being broken and torn apart at the seams was that the progress I had made with Harry, the one I presumed to be a breakthrough moment, really meant nothing, because I know I'm going to have trouble being comfortable with him after seeing him that way with her. With someone he doesn't really care much for. The trust that I was so slowly building up with him just disintegrated into thin air and I'm at a loss as to know where to go from here.

"Hey are you good to do this?" I ask, finally moving away from the table. "I forgot to get a coffee on my way here."

"Yeah, I got this," he says, as he puts a stool into position. "Can you get me a tea?"

"Tea?"

"I drink it when I'm stressed out." He finally looks at me and I can tell he is feeling a little like I am. Maybe not broken, but something like it. I don't really understand why he's stressed or looks the way he does. He was the one who was just kissing someone and more than likely enjoying himself.

When I see that he's slowly walking towards me, I start towards the door. "Yeah I can get you a tea."

"Paisley, wait."

"You don't need to say anything, Harry," I tell him. "But for the record, it was what it looked like, and it's fine."

"But you're upset," he says. "And I feel bad."

"Believe it or not Harry, me being upset has nothing to do with you and Ruby. I have more respect for myself than to be upset about a guy who wants to hook up with girls he doesn't give two shits about. There's more to my life than wanting to know who your latest one night stand is. I was upset before I even came in this room, but you wouldn't know that because you were too busy sucking face with a girl you said deserved more than what I gave her this morning. Guess I interrupted what she deserved, if she was willing to hook up with someone who couldn't care less about her."

I know I said too much, too harshly. The look on his face told me I did. I don't care how angry I sounded, or if it was obvious I wanted to cry. Sometimes I just have to say things to protect myself. And that's what I felt like I was doing.

I hated knowing I had to go back there now that I left. But my life has been nothing but doing things I don't want to do. This situation isn't any different.

A/N: Poor Paisley! I feel so bad she had to walk in on that after how happy she was! At least it was just a heated make-out session and not something else! :P

I hope you're still enjoying this, as I am loving every second of writing it! Press the star to send me some love! I will love you forever!

xo