Reviewer: by_a_dancer 

Silver and Evergreen: Bunzy161 

- - -

Title: [5/5]

Suits well the genre, gives it a bit of mystical atmosphere.

Cover: [3/5]

The picture on the cover promises an adventure, suitable to the title. The author's name, however, is missing and I am personally not a fan of the font and its colour. It blends too much with the background.

Blurb/Synopsis: [2/5]

The blurb is interesting and certainly has a luring storytelling touch to it. For my taste, however, it contains too much worldbuilding information, which is interesting for the story, but not necessarily for the blurb. I think you can be more concise and to the point there.

There are a few points where you're losing me because I get confused. For instance: "Whoever survived on the human side became slaves to the humans..." I am not sure I follow.

When you come to the actual story – that only starts in the fifth paragraph of the blurb (I'd suggest only focus on that), things start getting unspecific. You're talking about "traumatic events" and suddenly a bunch of questions come out of nowhere.

My advice for the blurb: drop the world history and really focus on the adventure. Be as specific as possible without giving away too much. Also, maybe try to make it more character-driven, so we get an idea of which characters are we following because so far, we know nothing about what is going to happen or who is going to act. Try already in the blurb to make the characters more than a king and a slave.

Language-wise, it would also benefit from a polish.

Genre: [5/5]

All characteristics of the story are in line with the high fantasy genre.

Originality: [10/10]

High fantasy is not easy to write and requires a lot of imagination. I think you are doing an amazing job on it and have a great setting. Your world feels natural and the idea of the circus / private shows is also really cool. I think it is really original.

Description: [5/10]

There is a lot of telling, especially in the beginning. I feel like you can show more, maybe through flashbacks, for instance. Because sentences like "Of course I didn't obey and got shocked. It hurt a lot" fall flat if you just tell it. The same applies to the way she feels/felt. When you tell how she feels (especially as flatly as "I wasn't happy about this") the audience does not connect to your character. Try really describing the blood pumping through her veins, her breathing, her sweaty palms, her spinning head, her rushing thoughts. She is almost getting prostituted here, and we only get an "I wasn't happy about it".

I also wished for more description of the setting and the characters. Your MC is a shapeshifter and you describe early that she can shift, but you tell about her "normal" state for a while. Or, for example, in which body she feels comfortable / how she experiences shifting.

You include so many nice features and details to your story, but it often feels like it wasn't thought through to the end. Take, for instance, the idea with the magical mark that is a binding contract. It feels really natural when you tell its function, but you never describe it, so I can't imagine this mark. Am I supposed to think of a rune or a tattoo? What shape does it have?

I also wished for more descriptions of Elyse and Drakon. They play such an important role in forming your MC, but we never see/hear them. How does Elyse's touch feel when she is bathing her / braiding her hair? How does the man look like who is selling her, what does his voice sound like?

The description of the clothes is almost also entirely missing (except for the one scene in the beginning). Since you build an entire world, clothing is a part of it, but the most description the reader gets is: "Drakon bought me something extravagant to wear...." That does not paint a picture in my head.

When she is in the carriage looking out of the window, it would also be nice to get a description of the landscape / see what she sees. After all, she has been locked up for a while now.

Creatures of your world: you just casually mention that their driver is a satyr, but you never describe him. I understand it is hard to describe every little detail, but this is high fantasy - you create an entire world for the reader to experience but as a reader, I cannot get access to it unless you show it to me.

Character Development: [6/10]

Your MC often feels distant and numb, despite the first-person perspective. We simply don't get enough insight into her head and even if we do, most of the times we are told something rather than shown. This is the reason why I had a hard time grasping her emotions. Here is a direct example: she is about to flee in four days into the world she has absolutely no idea about. How is she going to survive out there? What fears are going through her head at this moment?

Another thing was that I find it a little questionable that she kills a man (okay, yes, defence) and doesn't feel anything about it but spits on his corps. She just took a life, and she has no need to process it. That says something about a character, and I am not sure this is good.

Plot [6/10]

I feel like the inciting incident falls flat. The idea is definitely strong enough, but I don't understand why she didn't flee earlier and only started to make arrangements after it got that far that she was violated. It was clear for her as well that it was just a matter of time, so as I said, idea-wise it does make sense that she is more motivated to leave but her hostage situation does not change, so if she tried before to escape and failed, what makes her think that she can do it now? You need to make clear that her situation changed because she was bought now and her magical contract is therefore expired, so she can make use of this opportunity.

Another thing I was wondering about concerned the Lord who bought her. He came once or twice a week but never had enough money to pay for her entirely. All of a sudden, he can afford to buy her. It is possible that he suddenly came in possession of such a sum (gamble, inheritance etc.) but you need to slip in this information.

I also didn't get that Elyse is planning to flee with her until the day of the escape. Why didn't she leave earlier? And she also still has her mark, doesn't she?

Why did Drakon give them for the journey (so much) money? That isn't clear either. It's not like he is paying the Lord.

The only chance for her to flee is because Drakon breaks the contract. But it is not once mentioned while they are planning their escape until he actually does it. This is the moment you should be building up to.

Grammar: [10/15]

Grammar-wise the story requires some editing as well. Your verb tenses jump between present and past, which is often confusing and hard to follow. The structure of the sentences is not always correct, and there are still some spelling mistakes.

Structure: [5/5]

The structure of the story is well done. The dialogues and description paragraphs are broken up correctly.

Vocabulary/Spelling: [7/10]

You often use the word "say" between direct speeches. Try using more descriptive words like whispered, cried, commanded, mumbled etc. that will elevate your writing. Some of the beginnings of the paragraphs also feel repetitive, so watch out for your sentence structure and wording you use. E.g. Chapter 1:

"A soft sigh huffs through my nose...."

Following paragraph: "A soft sigh escapes my lips."

Overall Enjoyment: [7/10]

I really enjoy the premise of the story and realise that the topics which you address are very complex not easy to write about. Chapeau for that! I also do believe the concept is original, and I really admire your creativity. You lure us into a world that sounds promising and interesting but I think the plot needs some fixing, the descriptions need to be added, and you need to figure out pacing. The good thing is: your story is finished, and now you can really dive into editing!

One last thing....

Pacing:

I would suggest for you to review your pacing in the chapters. As of now, they all feel the same pace. Point out for yourself the main event of the chapter and build up the tension to that. Otherwise, some of your evets end up falling flat or seem less important because there is no build-up to it.

Total: [71/100]