Book: Scream For Me: A Tale of Revenge in the West (Trailblazers) by Caleb Saniatan | dispeepwrites

Reviewer: Alix | by_a_dancer

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Title [4/5]

Since I started reviewing, the title changed from Scream for me: A Tale of Revenge in the West to Trailblazers. The first one seems to be more of a nod to the western genre, especially in combination with the old "sandy" cover. The new title with the new cover look more like an action-thriller story to me, and I am not sure if that is the expectations you want to set for the reader.

Cover [3.5/5]

The cover also changed a few times and the current one (red with a pistol) convinces me the least, to be honest. It doesn't seem to reflect the genre or the time the story is set in, the sandy one rather spoke to me, but again it all depends on the expectations you are going for.

Blurb/Synopsis [3.5/5]

The blurb is short and well written, but after reading it I am not sure what kind of a journey I can be expecting. Your synopsis is rather focused on the characters than on the story. I would suggest revealing a little more of the adventure to lure the reader into your world. Your world and your story have so much to offer. It has to reflect in your blurb.

Genre [5/5]

Your settings, characters, your writing style, all fits well into the genre.

Originality [10/10]

I've never read anything of that kind. Definitely unique and stands out from everything I read on WP so far. Please bring that uniqueness out in your blurb to attract a wider audience, I think your story deserves that.

Description [8/10]

I think you've got a nice, fluent writing style that is appropriate for the genre, but especially the historical aspects of your story were sometimes not prominent enough. Especially at the beginning, if I didn't read the blurb I would not know that the book is set in a different time. This is something you could pull off through the descriptions. The setting description of their house at the beginning, the clothes they are wearing could be indicative of the thirties. Maybe sneak in the financial crisis and how that affected them, just so we know we are back in time.

Robbery Bill witnesses: It is the first action scene in the story, I think it could use faster pacing with shorter sentences and paragraphs to convey the surprise of Bill and the precision of the robber's routine maybe. I also believe accompanying your descriptions with different senses (sound of the engine, feeling the trembling ground from the galloping horse, the smell of fresh blood, etc.) would give them more depth.

"Ten minutes after witnessing the botched robbery, Bill heard hoofclops behind him."

It's just plainly stated as a matter of fact. I think I'd rather know what is going on in his head after witnessing the murder / how he is (not) processing that than how much time has passed. Maybe the hoofclops tear him out of his thoughts? Otherwise, he may come across as a little robotic.

My other advice in terms of descriptions would be to try to pay attention to your wording. The chapters are super long. See if each of your sentences is really contributing to the story. Cut the rest. And check if your wording is descriptive enough. You like to use the word "said" after the direct speech, but sentences like "he said" and "one of them said" contribute absolutely nothing to the story. On the contrary, if you use something like: "one of them spat" or "he raised an eyebrow at his horse" or at least use a description of how the person said it, that would elevate your writing.

Generally, it seems like you describe much more from the female perspectives than you do from Bill's. Why is that? I am interested to see his impressions as well.

Character Development [9/10]

First of all, I really enjoy your dialogues. They sound so alive! I love the interaction between Bill and the Horse, damn this horse just has so much attitude!

The only thing I wondered was why did Margot write everything, instead of using sign language with him? Maybe it's worth a short explanation when she interacts with Bill.

I also absolutely adored how you set up Rainier's POV (Also, really brilliant name). The atmosphere, the descriptions, the dialogues once again were just so on point.

Generally, your characters have a lot of depth and unique backstories. You manage well to give them all their own tone of voice, which is not always easy to pull off - well done on that!

Plot [8.5/10]

It's interesting, it's exciting, you had me on the edge. But only after introducing Rainier's perspective. Until then I was wondering what are you building up to, which is not good because this is how you lose potential readers. They simply don't get to the good stuff. Keep in mind the attention span of the reader and how an average person goes through a library of books. There is no commitment necessary. If you don't grab the attention in the first few paragraphs in the first chapter, the reader switches off. Can you blame them? Don't get me wrong - a tranquil start could work if you set up for something immediately and disrupt the mundane. But until the robbery, it all seems mundane and this is too long. Maybe it would be an idea to start with Rainier's POV? You need to find a way to grab the readers' attention earlier.

Grammar [15/15]

Your writing is very polished, the verb tenses are kept accurately, all grammar rules are followed.

Structure [1/5]

There were moments when I wondered if you are writing for the reader or for yourself. Either way is fine but if you are writing for the reader, the structure has to become more reader-friendly. You are probably already aware that your chapters are way too long. WP estimated the reading time of the first 10 chapters at 9 hours 15 minutes. For reference, this is approximately the time one needs to watch the entire first season of game of thrones.

Because we read online, WP chapters are recommended to be even shorter than the ones in a regular book, somewhere between 1 and 2k words. I believe it would also work if you made it a new chapter every time you switch perspective.

The other thing I would like to mention is the length of your paragraphs. Keep in mind that WP is often used on mobile devices, so reading long paragraphs is sometimes harder on a phone. Break them up. Make it reader-friendly.

Lastly, it is sometimes not clear who speaks, especially if the characters are of the same gender a "she said" is often not indicative enough. Try to be more specific there it is not a movie where we can see the speaker, unfortunately, so you need to show us.

Vocabulary/Spelling/Structure of the sentences [7.5/10]

Diverse vocabulary with clean spelling. Apart from the few aspects, I pointed out under "description" I would only want to draw your attention to the structure of your sentences. Sometimes it is too plain and simple, which is usually good, but sometimes I end up wondering what you are trying to tell me with this sentence. Either there needs to be more to it or cut it. Especially in the first part of the first chapter, there are multiple instances of it.

Another thing I noticed that in some paragraphs you repetitively make use of the Subject + Verb in past tense Structure. For example, have a look at Margot's POV: She set down; She snacked; She read; She ate; She read; She read. These are six beginnings of six sentences that follow each other. It could be interpreted as a reflection of the repetitiveness of her days maybe there is another way to show this? It just doesn't sound nice.

Overall Enjoyment [7/10]

I really enjoy your raw writing style. It is suitable for the story, the genre, the time. It creates the appropriate atmosphere. Though I've got to be honest, it took some time for me to get into it because of such a slow start.

As I mentioned before, it doesn't seem like you write for a reader, which is absolutely okay – we all have our own reasons. But as a reader, I feel neglected and alien in your world. Once you choose to write for the reader and find a catchy start, break up the chapters, the paragraphs, make it clear to me who is talking then I believe it will be a very enjoyable experience.

[ Total: 82/100 ]