Reviewer: by_a_dancer 

Talesof Sundardesha: Journey of a Lost Queen: MandyTheMadness 

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Title: [5/5]

Nice title, very suitable for high fantasy, promising an escape into another world.

Cover: [5/5]

Stunning cover, with a harmonic colour palette, a suitable font, and an inviting atmosphere. Again, very much in line with the genre of high fantasy.

Blurb/Synopsis: [2,5/5]

A blurb is there to lure the reader into your world and your blurb tells something but it does not paint a picture or invites the reader to escape into the world you create. "After a strange occurrence" doesn't say anything as I cannot imagine what is a strange occurrence in a fantasy world. I would love for you to try and paint a picture in my head in the blurb.

Genre: [5/5]

The characteristics of the story are very much aligned with the genre of high fantasy.

Originality: [7/10]

Lovely names of people and places, the story itself is not something I haven't read before though. However, high fantasy is tough to write as it sometimes feels like everything has been thought of. And while the story remains, I believe, you can make it more original through your worldbuilding.

Description: [4/10]

First of all, never tell your audience your story / the chapter is not good. By telling them that upfront, you take the opportunity from the reader to keep an open mind and form their own opinion about your story.

Secondly, I really like the additional media that you put in such as the maps and the music. They help to set the mood, however, keep in mind that they are no substitute for your descriptions.

Prologue

From your A/N it is rather obvious that you are not happy with your prologue yet so I tried to put together a few aspects you could improve on to elevate it.

- Check your opening sentence. Is it gripping? Does the reader want to read on? Is there a possibility to hook the reader right off the bat?

- What is the purpose of this chapter? Do you want to tell the history of the world, or do you want the reader to get an idea of Bryann? Focus on your goal for this chapter.

- Is there a point to jump in time so many times? You have the pre-coronation, a jump to the time when the girls are 15 and again multiple jumps in time throughout the history.

- Is Bryann the best POV to tell the history of the world from? If you want a storyteller, there are better ways to package it, for example by having some travellers telling the stories around a campfire. Or you can make us follow the King and really dive into all his pain in suffering. The way it is currently told, it feels very distant and dry because you just tell. It seems like you have an agenda to introduce the reader to the backstory of the world at once, so your voice becomes very present. Here is an example: why would the elder say something like "unfortunately, upon giving birth we lost your mother" to the girls? They know. The reader does not. Therefore, it feels like you are feeding us information.

- How can you show more? Can you add more vivid descriptions? Can you show what someone feels?

For these reasons, your prologue has the potential to tell an interesting story but as of now, it feels like a summary of events very far away. Your goal is to make the reader attached to your world. So, my suggestion would be to find a way to tell the story so that by the end of the prologue, we are invested. And if the chapter becomes too long, just check do we need to know it all at once, or can you feed it to us in smaller chunks?

Worldbuilding

You describe a lot already, especially between the dialogue lines. You neatly use descriptive verbs when the characters talk, which gives them a unique tone of voice. But because you create a whole other world, it needs even more. What kind of clothes are they wearing? How does the square look like? It does not require entire description paragraphs, but sprinkles of information here and there.

You also need to establish the rules of this world and what part magic plays in it. Are there only humans living there? How familiar are people with magic and what is their attitude toward it? We need to understand that in order to fully understand what situation Thalya finds herself in when she suddenly discovers her powers.

Character Development: [6/10]

As Thalya walks home, you're telling us about her living conditions and that she is adopted. Is there a way to make it more visual? Maybe she can have a flashback to a certain situation in which we can relive it through her memory instead of being told that she is not rich? Like she thinks back to her first day of school when her mother cooked the stew to celebrate? This way, you can show the deep connection she shares with her parents.

It is often hard to follow Thalya's thoughts as she often jumps to conclusion. For example, you go from if-father-finds-out-Garvis-is-dead to whatever-just-happened-the-village-will-rise-against-me with no thought in between. How? Why? Did that happen before? Was she confronted with magic before? Wouldn't she be looking for a logical explanation that maybe someone else was in the woods? Or be rather scared what else this light could do to her?

While you mentioned that Thalya is 24, she feels like a rather young naïve girl. We barely get a glimpse into her daily routine while she lives with her parents. Her mother braids her hair, cooks breakfast, sews dresses for her, while Thalya.... goes for walks with her friend...? Considering she comes from a poor family without any maids, it seems like she should have more responsibilities in her daily life. She feels one dimensional. What are her likes, what does she want from life, what are her fears, before the inciting incident? Once we establish that, we can better follow her character development.

Plot [7/10]

The plot follows a logical pattern, and I couldn't spot any plot holes so far. I believe one thing you could work on while editing is the building of tension and pacing. A good example of it would be in chapter 1 the scene in the woods. Check the wording, think of your sentence structure, decide for yourself what is the moment you want to build up to in the chapter and then adjust your pacing accordingly.

Slightly connected to that would be the matter of abrupt chapter ending. Once you adjust your pacing, the chapter will end more smoothly and less abrupt.

Grammar: [12/15]

The verb tense is consistently kept throughout the chapters. There are some minor grammatical errors, which you will spot during editing.

Structure: [2/5]

You often keep your dialogue and description paragraphs together. Make sure to break them up for a better reading experience. Also, some paragraphs are very long, especially if you keep in mind that the majority of people on WP read on mobile. Consider breaking up long paragraphs.

Vocabulary/Spelling: [6/10]

You've got a broad spectrum of vocabulary, but your sentence structure often sounds repetitive (e.g. She felt bile rise in her throat, she was starting to feel nauseous, and this made her feel pitiful.) Try using more descriptive words, especially when it comes to feelings. You tend to write "it made her feel...." Instead try to describe the symptoms, like her sweaty palms, quickened breath, racing heartbeat. The reader will understand then how she feels like.

Overall Enjoyment: [7/10]

I do enjoy the story so far and I really believe if you offer the reader more of an insight into your MC's feelings, really start showing the world to us, and let your characters gain on complexity, it will become a story to fall in love with.

Total: [68.5/100]