To Unite A Nation - foodestroyer

Reviewer - Xanatos_Gambit 

Title 5/5

I like how the title matches up with the first line of your summary "already divided kingdom".

Cover 5/5

The cover is really cool... with the mixture of the crown and the sword and then the different colors on each side of the "divided cover" ;)

Blurb 3/5

Please fix the grammar in the quote... It's a really cool quote to start off with. But it should be ....shall I send?' [enter] 'Here I am, Lord.' Otherwise -- it looks like "Here I am Lord" is like the name of the person speaking it.

I would also explain a little bit of who Skylar actually is (just like a very general description). like say in the blurb: "Captain Skylar von Esclarmonde", since you already said "her kingdom" which probably confused some people about who she was.

Genre 5/5

Yass, I love fantasy books! :)

Originality 8/10

Really didn't see the sword talking coming LOL.

Descriptions 5/10

I do like the descriptions of the spells she casts.

There aren't many descriptions of the base that they're on, or where Professor Neil was giving lessons to Skylar when she was young. I also don't understand exactly what time period they're on. Because Skylar is talking about horses and spells and then the rebels only having guns maybe, which makes me think it's medieval. But then, she starts talking about setting her alarms. So I'm really confused.

Character Development 8/10

I think Skylar's and Curtis's personalities shine through very nicely and are well developed. I don't understand the Kathlyn POV though (you could've just described the rebel sorcerer's abilities in a battle with Skylar, since I don't think we really get a sense of Kathyln's personality almost at all.

Plot 8/10

Eeee. I like that Neil's hallucination girl is obviously Skylar in Chapter 2!

I also like her and Neil's thing about dreams... cool connection.

Ooh. I like that Kathlyn can't see the book like Skylar.

The rebel sorcerers with the messed up magic are enthralling me :)

Okaaaaay... I think we got slightly off track with Skylar wanting to duel Arthur, really. I don't see how this is relevant to ANYTHING that has happened in the story so far.

Grammar 9/15

You have lots of run on sentences... like combining three sentences into one RARELY works. "I could live off my family's immense wealth, but that would've been quite boring and I wasn't the lazy type." run-on sentence. Also, in that paragraph you use "could" instead of "could have" when this clearly happened in the past. I'd watch your tenses; they switch a lot between present and past where they should be past (and past when they should be past perfect).

Also the punctuation goes INSIDE the quotation marks. "Shut up! I wasn't ready! You didn't count to three."

Structure 2/5

Okay, I got confused on the second sentence of your story. "While I usually appreciated creativity, I did not, on the other hand, like spitting out water on shirts." I believe that could be reworded so that it's more clear what you're trying to say. Because I definitely don't get it...

Your sentence structure is a tad too long at times. Like your sentences are VERY long, and sometimes it gets confusing for me to read, since it doesn't always flow. For example, "While my parents had acted greedily..." that's pretty long.

You have a couple phrases that don't make sense scattered throughout each chapter. "Borne fruit through" doesn't make sense. Or "assaulted me with an onslaught of incoherent questions". You don't need both assaulted and onslaught: pick one or the other for clarity.

Also, if you have an internal monologue for Neil or Skylar (in the first couple chapters), it would be useful to differentiate this with like bolded or underlined phrases or something... (Update: I saw that you started doing this in Chapter 3, so I'd go back and edit this in the first couple chapters).

Vocab 10/10

Your vocab usage is great, some of the words I even had to look up, but they usually fit in your chapters! :)

Enjoyment 7/10

I like the fantasy world, and I'm really enjoying the characters of Skylar (and Curtis LOL). I could personally do without three straight chapters of action, because no matter how much you spice it up with sarcasm or detail or gore (you do actually do this better than most writers)... it's still 3 chapters straight of battle, and meh.

Special Note: Dialogue

Okay, I honestly didn't think the dialogue that you have written is bad at all. I think it's usually appropriate for the rebellion and war that you're having go on in the chapters. Kathlyn and Skylar are funny and sarcastic with each other, and then Skylar's convos with Lightbringer are also pretty funny.
Personally, I would add more of it, since you only have a couple dialogue points per chapter, but what you have down, I think is great!

Total 75/100