The weekend went by slowly, I probably should have started back to school today but my appointment with Dr. Givens was at nine this morning. The waiting room was filled with children, mostly teens with one of their parents or grandparents. My Grandpa filled out all of the paper work as I went and found a chair into the back far corner. The walls were a yellow cream color. There were pamphlets on the tables and some on a shelf on the wall. Reading material about teen pregnancy, drugs, alcohol, depression, suicide, and even some about death of a loved one, however I did not pick up any of them. My Grandpa came back over and took a seat beside me, flipping open a magazine on cars. He never mentioned anything about what I was wearing or the dark make up that I had put on this morning. I was actually surprised that he never said anything about my hair either. I figured that Grandma already had a talk with him, so maybe that's why he was so quiet. They were just like my parents in a way, knew about everything so there was reason why to ask about anything.

We sat there for almost an hour and finally a toothpick blonde opened the door, she was holding a clip board in her hand and apparently chewing gum with her jaw making one of those smacking motions. She had on a little too much blue eye shadow and an ugly shade of pink lipstick that reminded me of a great aunt. She was wearing scrubs with millions of rainbows. It made me think of the Care Bears. She called out my name with a smack, "Shayla Farris, please come back."

My Grandpa motioned for me to go on back. I thought that she would do the usual stuff. You know check my temp., blood pressure, excreta. But she only weighed me, shaking her head when she wrote down the digits. Then she showed me to another room down the white hall. I observed all the paintings on the wall between each door of different illusions. I liked looking at them. One minute I saw one thing but the next if you stood back or really looked hard it was something else. She pointed for me to go in the next room, closing the door behind her.

"My name is Tiffany; I'm Dr. Givens' nurse. I'm just going to ask you some quick questions and then Dr. Givens will see you. Is that alright?" she asked cheerfully, smacking her gum again.

"Whatever!" I didn't look up. I sat down in the cold leather chair with my arms crossed and my legs up in the seat, Indian Style, as if I was a first grader. I'll never forget coming home from school and telling mom about what it was called when I sat down like that. She had thought it was funny at the time. Anyway here I was sitting here like this at my age and my mom was nowhere near me.

"Full name?"

"Shayla Rose Farris." I managed to say with my teeth grinding against each other.

"Birthday?"

"October thirteenth, nineteen ninety-one." I mumbled.

"Oh! Happy late birthday to you, address?"

"974 Gregory Mills Drive, in Covington Heights, North Carolina."

"I thought you lived here?"she asked confused.

I hesitated, rolling my eyes at her, then said, "Oh yeah I almost forgot, I'm living with my Grandparents, here in good old southern Tennessee."

She ignored the attitude. "Any surgeries, hospitalizations and so forth?"

"Not that I know of........." I huffed with annoyance, "Except about a week ago I was taken for x-rays and so forth, but apparently I am fine, just a few bruises." I looked down towards my legs and then back up at my right arm.

"I see; I am very sorry for your loss."

When I refused to answer her back she looked away from me and said, "Very well then, Dr. Givens will be in shortly." She walked to the door, after opening it she threw the chart into the shelf attached to the wall in the hallway, closing the door right behind her.

I sat there in the quite room momentarily, then stood to walk around to examine the room. I fingered the picture on the desk. It was a picture of a small family, a mother, father, and a little girl, who was wearing a pastel pink dress in pigtails. Next to the picture was a name plate in wood with golden trim reading, 'Dr. Lea Givens'. There was also a carousel of pens and pencils on the opposite side of the desk with a desk calendar. The desk was dust free. She had a nice flat screen computer as well on her desk; I guess to give her extra room for desk space.

I walked over to the wall to glance at the frames with famous paintings done by Monet, Van Gough and Degas and a few others. There were also a few frames with documentation of Dr. Givens certificates and degrees. While I was looking on the far wall, Dr. Givens came into the room. She reached out to shake my hand. "Hi, I'm Dr. Givens, you must be Shayla." She smiled.

I turned to look at her for a split second and then turned back towards the wall, without shaking her hand. She turned and took a seat behind her desk in the oversized leather chair. She was young, maybe in her late twenties early thirties. Her hair was golden brown and it nestled softly on her shoulders. She was wearing make-up; however it was so light that it blended into her natural skin color. She was wearing a light blue sweater with black slacks.

"I hear that you are living with your Grandparents."

I attempted to ignore her.

"Shayla would you like to sit down?" she requested.

I turned towards her and started to walk over to the chair in front of her desk and flopped myself into the chair with my feet curled up underneath me. My hair fell into my face hiding most of it from her, as I looked down into my lap.

She sounded so sincere when she spoke, like she really was here to listen to me, to help me in some way. "How are you doing?"

Silence.

"We can talk about anything you know?"

Silence.

"Dr. Algood says you had a difficult past few days. Would you like to talk about it?"

Silence.

"Shayla I can't help you if you don't talk." She paused for a few seconds waiting on my response. "O...kay, we can just sit here the whole time if you wish, you have me for an hour." This time it was kinda like she was trying to use that reverse psychology stuff on me, hoping that I would give in and start talking to her.

For about the first thirty minutes we just sat there. She wrote on a yellow note pad. Who knows what she was writing. I sat there playing with my shoestrings and twirling my hair, of what was left of it. Finally I got up and picked up the family photo from the desk. I let the wood frame slide between my fingers; the glass was slightly cold to my fingertips. I traced the family with my fingers in envy for a family like that again. I wondered what her family was like.

"That's my husband, Terry and our daughter, Paisley."

"She's cute; how old is she?" I asked flatly without any facial expression.

"She just turned three."

I placed the frame back down gently. "She looks happy."

"She's usually happy. Are you?" She attempted to change the subject back on me.

"No!" I sat back down in the chair, changing the subject back. "Is he happy?"

"I believe so."

I looked up at her then and asked her, "Are you?"

Dr. Givens smiled, "Most of the time I am; I have my sad moments too. Don't we all, we are human aren't we. There are happy moments and sad moments in all of our lives."

"Uhm!" I sighed and repositioned myself in the chair.

"So, you're not happy?" She asked again.

I replied with a sigh, "There's no reason to be happy."

"What would make you happy?"

"That's a really stupid question don't you think." I spat back at her.

"I'm sorry." She wrote more things down on her note pad. "I hear that your Grandparents would like for you to start school this week."

"NO!" I blurted out without even thinking. "I just need time. Please is there any way that I could wait until after New Years."

"I don't know Shayla. If I was to help you with that what are you going to do for me?"

Now she started to sound more like a parent, my father for example. He always wanted a compromise. If I do this then he would do that. My voice was soft now, but rather rude still, "What do you want?"

"I want you to open up to me; talk to me. Let me help you. You have to meet me half way here."

"Is that it?" I wanted to laugh.

"Yes. I will see you again next Monday, same time. In the mean time I want you to write down the things that you would like to talk about." She pulled out a book and handed it to me. It was blue with a design on top of golden vines and flowers. "This is a journal. I want you to write things down here. You can write about how you feel, things you like, things you don't like, things you want to change, things you want and need, and so on. We will discuss these things on Monday." She walked over to the door. As I followed her she stepped to the side for me to go out. She placed one hand on my shoulder and whispered, "Shayla, I am here for you if you need me."

People are funny, they think they only see you, need you if something major has happened. If there had not been an accident, if it never happened, would half of these people even know that I existed. Would any of them even try to get to know me?

The week dragged on by. I stayed mostly upstairs in the bedroom hidden from my Grandparents. I had attempted to write in the journal a few times but never managed to get out all my thoughts just right. I decided to write down the things I missed.

Things I Miss:

1. Andrea-My best friend in the whole wide world, I'm lost without her.

2. Jake-My boyfriend, I miss the way he holds me so close to him. His sweet kisses.

3. Josh-My brother, who gets on my nerves and aggravates me to death, but he believes in me.

4. My room-because everything that belongs to me is in there, it's my whole life.

5. My car-Although I don't know if I will ever drive again.

6. My Mom-I miss her so much. I need her more than ever right now. She believed in me.

7. Alright- I miss my Dad, although he was a thick headed stubborn man who somehow stopped believing in me. A part of me hates him but a part of me still loves him.

I know there should be a whole lot more things to write down but for now this is all I could come up with. I closed the journal, thinking to myself why this had to be such a hard assignment. What did it matter anyway? What I missed I was never going to have or see again.

Then I wrote down my feelings:

I feel lost and confused in this dark world. Should I move on and be happy or should I try to hold on, don't move, be mute, be sad forever until I am with them again. I hate everything about my life, everything. I don't want to live here. I don't want to be with my grandparents, they know nothing about the real me. I want it all to go away, the dreams, the nightmares, the feeling that I feel. I'm an emotional train wreck. A part of me wishes that I would have died with them. But then there is the other half of me that says you're here Shay, now what? Screw therapy.

On Monday, my Grandpa took me back to see Dr. Givens. She greeted me with a smile, "Hi, Shayla; how has the week been?" She smiles her usual smile. Today she was wearing a lime green sweater.

"Long." I replied.

"I see that you brought your journal with you." She sat behind her desk.

I walked over to her and flipped the book on the desk and then took a seat in the chair.

"May I look at it?" She asked if it was a private thing that only I was allowed to look at it.

"Sure, knock yourself out."I tucked both of my legs underneath me. I glanced over noticing that she had placed a new picture on her desk. It was her daughter with a Santa hat sitting in a box with other presents and a tree in the background. How I forgot all about Christmas coming in a few weeks. Joy, Christmas.

Dr. Givens jotted down a few things on her notepad. Then she smiled at me. "I see this must have been a very difficult thing to do. Would you like to talk about it?"

"Not really." I huffed under my breath a little. I looked up at her and she was staring back at me. "I know....I know we had a deal." I stood up and started pacing the floor back and forth. "O.K., already ask me anything. What do you want to know?"

"Well I see you lost another pound this week. I thought you were going to try to eat more."

Not here too, I already hear this everyday from my grandmother. "Yeah about that, it's not like I am trying to lose weight. I know I'm underweight I'm just not hungry."

"You need to try harder alright."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." I brushed her off, just like any other teenager would have done.

"So should we start with the first thing on your list or skip around?"

"Whatever." I stopped pacing the floor and lay down on the sofa. It was placed long ways in front of the bookshelf. I didn't realize how soft and cushiony it was. It was almost so relaxing that I could have fallen asleep right there. But I wouldn't, not here.

"You have a car; what kind is it?"

"It's a Mustang GT."

"Oh! Sounds nice, can I ask what color is it?"

I looked around the room to try to find the right shade of the color and then said, "Dark royal blue."

"I bet it's gorgeous."

"It is; was, I mean."

"What do you mean was?"

"Like my Grandparents can afford it, it's going back. Everything, it's all going up for Auction."

She looked puzzled. "Why?"

"Apparently my Dad owed a lot on the house, the cars, and a lot of other things. Anyway I overheard my Grandparents talking to my uncle and a lawyer and they are planning on auctioning everything off."

"Ouch! How does that make you feel?"

"It sucks, but I can't do anything about it, besides the deal is off."

She looked really confused now. "What deal?"

Crap. I didn't mean to say that. Why do I always open my mouth? "Between me and my Dad."

"The two of you had a deal?" She seemed surprised with her eyebrows raised a little.

"Yeah! I promised not to worry my Mom with my silly child dreams and he promised to buy me any car that I wanted."

"Dreams?" she asked, looking even more confused.

"That's a long story Doc maybe some other time." I looked away from her.

She got the point that I did not want to talk about it, but I am sure that later on she will bring up the subject again. "Alrighty then, who is Jake?"

"He was my boyfriend."

"But not anymore?"

"Yeah, like I'm ever going to see him again." Duh. Has she not been listening; get with the program lady and she calls herself a doctor, a therapist, whatever.

"Sorry, so tell me about him. What does he look like?"

I laid there for a few minutes with my eyes closed, I thought of him, visions of him in my mind. God how I missed him more than anything right now. His smile and the way he would put his arms around me, and suddenly I started to talk about him. I talked to her as if she was my new best friend. "We had started dating over the summer. He was so cute in his swim shorts, no shirt, great tanned abs. His golden ash blonde hair was just long enough for my fingers to comb right through. We were at the beach. I will never forget that first kiss under the full moon lit night. Anyways Julianna, who was the captain of the cheer squad, got very mad because Jake was a quarterback and technically was supposed to go out with her but he wanted me. Anyway that is a whole different story. Well, we just started dating; we have been together for the past six months now."

"You are a cheerleader?" She said in disbelief. Maybe because the way I looked now, definitely not the cheerleader type. Why they all loved colors and made sure they stood out with their cute half shirts and mini-skirts showing more skin than they should, but now here I was in black from head to toe, sharing no skin with anyone except my hands and face. And even then I wore black eye shadow and black lip stick.

"Was." I knew she wanted more by the way she tapped her pen along her pad. "O.K., I'm a junior and I was working my way to the top. I was hoping to be captain next year. But now that doesn't really matter does it."

"You could try out for the team here."

"Yeah, sure." Apparently she did not realize how hard it was to just get on a team, especially if you're new to the school and already a junior, beside the school year was almost half way over. Everyone was already in a click and I was not part of any of them.

"Have you talked to Jake since you left?"

"Not since the day of the accident. I can't seem to find the words to tell him to move on without me."

"You want to break it off with him?"

"Not really, but it's like I would ever see him again. Hello do you even know how far he is from here. Besides he deserves to have better; he deserves to be happy."

"Better than you?" She started to sound like my mother now. "Do you really think he is going to be happy without you?"

"I don't know, maybe. I broke my promise. I told him that I would only be gone for a week, one week. He was expecting to see me but I'm not there. I will never be there so he might as well move on without me. He deserves to have a life and I ...."

"So you don't feel like you're good enough for him?"

"Are you even listening?" I raised my voice, my temper got a little out of hand. "We're never going to see each other again. It's that plain and simple. I'm no longer a pretty little cheerleader that needs all the fine little accessories, including a quarterback boyfriend." I stood up and started to pace the floors again. "Everything is gone, everyone. I have nothing to live for. I don't deserve to continue to live in this hateful world. Why in the world did she pull me out? I should have died with them, I should have died."

"I see."

"You don't see. You have no clue how I feel. How I hate to get up in the mornings. How I dread to go to sleep at night, dreams of her wanting me. How I wish I had my family back so that I could just go back home. Home to my room. Home to Andrea. Home to Jake. Home....." The tears came so easily now; I had tried to hold them in but now they came. Dr. Givens walked over to me and placed her arms around me, as I fell to the floor and let out a long loud wail. She held onto me, never letting me go, in her death grip around my frail body. I cried the remanding of the session and she never once let go of me. I suddenly felt safe here alone with her and it actually felt good to release my pain that I had been holding on to.

Before I left she gave me another assignment. She wanted me to list the things that I could use. "I want you to come by on Thursday at three o'clock with a list of things that you could use. You know such as a TV, radio, computer, music, and so on."

"Why so soon?"

"It will be good for you to come by. I will be here waiting for you."

"I had asked a friend to send me some of my things."

"Andrea." She guessed.

"Yeah! She has an extra key to the house and she knows the code for the alarm. I should be getting some of my stuff in the mail."

"That was nice of her."

"She was a good friend."

"She still is your friend Shayla. Don't ever let your friends go; she will always be there for you. On top of your assignment I would also like for you to write down the classes you took, clubs you were involved in, places and things that you did in your spare time."

"Why?"

"Just do it Shayla, bring it with you on Thursday."

I couldn't think of anything to write about in the stupid journal. Every time I started I ended up scribbling it out. Suddenly I tossed the book to the side. It was so freaking boring in this house. My Grandparents lived out in the middle of nowhere. Alright there was a pond with a few fish in it as if I'm going fishing, yeah right and then there are trees with limbs so high that it would be hard to climb up and hide, and there was a small stream that flowed just past the garden behind the old worn down barn. Yet as cold as it was I would rather stay in. So I picked up the journal and opened it back up and started doodling all over the pages. I thought of the things I could use. I thought of my life before here. Finally I just started writing, it all poured right out of me.

Things I enjoyed!

I enjoy having art, music, drama and cheerleading. I miss going to the football games and cheering on the fifty yard line. The parties afterwards. I miss hanging out with my friends, going to the movies, and double dates with Andrea and Adam. I miss making out with Jake, even though the only thing we ever did was kiss and maybe hit second base. We have never gone all the way, but have definitely thought about it on several occasions. It's just that were both so young and why ruin something that is going so good. I can't wait for my laptop but would it make a difference I don't have the internet. My MP3 player was lost in the accident, I could use a new one, but how would I get the music to it. The play for Drama was to be this week and yes I had a good part in it. I wonder who they got to replace me. The choir is going to go perform at the theater for Christmas, but that too I will miss. It's a sucky time of the year to be here. Why did this have to happen? If only my Dad would have listened to me. The dream was so real this time, why did I not stop it from happening? Why? I blame myself for everything. This is all on me.

The first thing that Dr. Givens asked for was for the journal. As I handed it to her, I picked up the wooden cube from her desk. It was one of those mind games with a lot of interlocking pieces. As she read the journal I went over to lay on the sofa, it was so much softer than that cold leather chair. She read through the pages and I knew she noticed the doodling on some of the pages, but she never mentioned anything about it. I heard her pick up her pen and write a few things down in her notepad. I took the cube completely apart. As I was putting it back together her voice broke the silence.

"Shayla, how long have you been a cheerleader?"

I put another piece into the cube. "Since I can remember. My mom let me sign up in the second grade. She went to all the games to watch me cheer and even took me to the competitions. It was fun when she was there."

"Are you going to try out for the squad here?"

"For why?"

"Shayla you could make a lot of friends here if you would just try. You might even wind up liking it here."

"I don't want to cheer anymore and I really don't care if I ever like it here."

"Alright." She tapped her pen a few times, reading down the list some more. "How about Drama?"

"I think I've had enough drama in my life, don't you."

"I see....Well I see you are still in to art, these drawings are really good."

"There just doodles, nothing to do with art really."

"Well I would like to see more of your work."

I put the last piece into the cube and twirled it within my hands. "Maybe."

"I have a great idea Shayla. I see that you would like to use the internet. I was wondering if you could do something for me, maybe I could do something for you. Such as use my computer. Do you have a Twitter account or Facebook account?"

"Actually I have both. I like to chat late at night with my friends. My parents would not allow me to have my phone in my room after nine and so I would sneak onto the laptop."

"So do we have a deal? You do something for me and I will let you use it."

"I don't care for deals." I huffed blowing the loose strand of hair out of my face. Besides did I really want to contact my old life. O.K. I did but only a selected few.

"Here's the deal. You have to go back to school after the New Year. You are making yourself sick. You have lost another pound since Monday. I want you to eat. I want you to get out of the house, meet a few people and draw me something."

"That's a lot don't you think. First of all my Grandparents aren't going to just let me roam the streets; besides have you seen where they live? They live in the middle of nowhere."

"There is a class this Saturday that I would like for you to attend."

"What kind of class?"

"It's a group of kids, your age. It would be good for you to listen to their stories. Maybe you could share yours."

"I don't have anything to share." Besides who cares what happened to me and why should I have to listen to other kids my age talk about their problems. I am sure that not one of them had their whole family die right there in front of them and they mysteriously survived it all.

"Sure you do and you will try. Now get up," she was more demanding now.

"Why?"

She got up and walked around the desk over towards me and pulled me up by my arms. "Come on." She smiled. "You know you want to get on the net."

It was so tempting, but did I really want to make another deal.