As soon as I saw the Fed Ex truck backing out of the driveway, I ran downstairs looking for the package. I figured it would had arrived a week or so ago but now was just as good as any. It was sitting on the table. Andrea had written all over it just as I had asked her to. I walked over to pick it up to take it back up stairs but before I get to the bottom step they stopped me.

"We see you got a gift in the mail sweetie; it is from one of your friends back home."

"Uh, yes. Andrea is my best friend. I had asked her to send a few of my things to me. It's nothing really just some CD's, photos, personal things." I paused for a second trying to read their facial expressions. I know that they wanted to peek inside; they wanted me to share with them but it was personal. "I would rather open this up stairs if that is alright with you."

"We understand sweetie; don't forget your Grandpa will be leaving in about an hour to take you into town."

"I'll be back down soon enough." Suddenly I turned back around and ran up the stairs. No sooner than I got to the room, I put the box down and opened it up with a dull pair of scissors. The very first thing that I saw was a picture of all of us, the small group. Andrea had one arm around me and the other around Adam. I had my arm around her and the other around Jake. There were a few others around us as well, friends from the football team and cheerleading squad. I tried to think of that night, not so many weeks ago. We had just beaten the number one team; all of us were on a natural high, gleaming from ear to ear.

I put the picture aside and then started to pull other things out of the box. A purple cell phone, a few CD's, a new purple MP3 Player, make-up, jewelry in small boxes, my lap top, and there in the bottom of the box was the black box from my closet. There was a letter attached to it. I picked it up and gradually opened it up. Andrea had written to me.

Dear Shay,

I don't know where to begin. Life is not the same without you. Adam and I went to see that movie. It was alright, you would like it. Would have been so much better if you had been there though. We almost done it the other night but I stopped him. That was something we were both going to put off remember. I'm sorry that you and Jake decided to break up. You guys made a great couple. He's not seeing anyone yet. Are you? Maybe one day you guys will be back together. After all college will just be right around the corner, then we can all move in together like we had always talked about.

I hope that I got everything that you had wanted. I didn't look through the black box; I know what it means to you. Thanks for letting me be a part of it, it's our little secret. My mom wanted you to be able to talk to me so we got you a new phone (hope you still like purple) and she is taking care of the bill so you have nothing to worry about. I didn't know if you would want some of your jewelry or your make up so I packed that up as well. I added in a few photos too, something to help you to remember all of us. Please don't forget about us. Don't forget about me. I am so sorry that this had to happen to you. After all those bad dreams before you left, how awkward is it for it all to come real. I hope that you are doing alright. Things will get better I promise. Please take care of yourself, you mean everything to me. Sorry if I was being a little rude when we talked last. It's just that I love you. Life is going to be so different without you. I hope to see you soon.

Love ya sis,

Andrea

She had known about the black box. There was a time that I had opened it up to her to share with her what was inside, many moons ago. She is the only one who knows about it though. It was a dark secret of mine and even now I wish to share it with no one. I did not open it up; instead I put it up on a shelf in the closet and pushed it back as far as it would go. Then I covered it up so that no one would be able to see it. I opened up the phone and dialed Andrea to tell her thanks, but she didn't answer. So I left her a message. About that time I heard my Grandma yelling for me. It was time to go see Dr. Givens. I am so ready to tell her goodbye, like do I really need therapy anyway. Yet a small part of me likes her.

Today was a session with just us, not a group session, thank goodness. I paced the floor while she jotted down in her book. I wonder what she could possibly be writing about now. I rarely ever say anything but she always seems to find something to jot down.

"Did you like the group session, Shayla?"

"It was alright I guess."

"I hear that you went on a date afterwards." She paused to wait for me to answer her. But when I didn't she asked, "I didn't think Isaiah would be your type; did you have fun?"

"It was alright. So you thought I would be more into Spike boy?"

"Who?" She then remembered Steven, the boy with the spiked hair. "Steve is alright, but I don't see him as your type either."

I glared at her for a second, with a little attitude I spat out, "So, since you seem to know me so well what is my type?"

"I just thought since you were a cheerleader and all that you would be into the more preppy boys, someone with money, drives a nice car. One that could wine and dine you, place you on a pedestal, someone more like Jake."

I could feel the anger build up inside of me. Who did she think she was, she didn't even know Jake. I wanted to scream at her, but instead I looked down pinching the thin skin between my thumb and index finger. Maybe I did make a mistake going out with Isaiah. Was she playing with my head, with my emotions?

"You are still in love with Jake, what made you go out on a date with Isaiah?"

"It's none of your business. You're not my mother. You are just trying to get into my head." I rose up from the chair and started to pace the floor. "What does this have to do with moving on with my life anyway?"

"I know that Isaiah is nothing like Jake." She lowered her voice to a softer tone, "He is totally opposite of him. So what made you go out with him?" she asked again.

"Didn't you tell me to meet new friends? He asked my Grandpa if I could go out and he said yes. We went to a museum, went out for pizza and then to a movie. Are you happy now?" I said defensively with my hands on my hips.

"Did you eat the pizza?"

"Several slices, actually."

"O.K. I'm happy then." She wrote down more stuff.

"Can you tell me more about Isaiah? Like why does he see you? How is he inside? Is he lost like me?" I asked with wondering thoughts.

"Shayla, I wish that I could tell you about him, but as his doctor I cannot give out any information to you. He will tell you more about himself, just give him time. So do you want to talk about your dreams today? Who do you think saved you?"

"Maybe some other time." Besides why would I want her to know about them? Could she make them go away? NO!

"So what do you what to talk about today?"

"Nothing." I plopped down in the chair.

"You still have forty-five minutes Shayla, do you wish to just sit here?"

I stood up and walked over to the comfy couch and lay down. "Why not, I won't tell anyone if you don't." I smiled and put in the earphones to the MP3 Player into my ears and closed my eyes for just a moment. What I didn't count on dosing off.

***

She looked like an angel standing in the window. She stood there momentarily and then turned to walk away. I called out for her, 'Wait.' I ran up the steps and into the house. The rooms were so familiar as I have been here a hundred times before. I found her in the back room. She was wiping away her tears from her face. She turned to look at me, smiling so sweetly. 'My little Aislinn you are almost home. Keep searching, follow the path and it will lead you home. My how you have grown.' But as she reached out for me her hand faded into mine. 'Who are you?' I cried out. But she only smiled and then disappeared into the thin darkness of the room. 'Don't go! Take me with you.' I begged. 'Don't leave me again. Are you my mother; are you the one?'

Dr. Givens was hovering over me when my eyes opened up. "Shayla you were dreaming. Do you want to talk about it?" Her hand was on my shoulder, reassuring me that I was alright.

I was exhausted and out of breath, "She's waiting for me. She's ready for me to come home."

"Who?" she asked puzzled.

I shook my head back and forth, as if I was confused for a second. I knew I would not be able to tell her about the woman. "No one, never mind it was just dream." I tried to shake it off like it never happened; just like I used to do with my mom when she would ask me about them.

"Is she the one who saved you?"

"I said never mind." I stood up and walked over to the door. I happened to notice the time on the desk clock. "I see it's time for the session to be over with, I'm sorry that I fell asleep."

"It's alright. I hope you have a good Christmas and I will see you next Monday."

"Yeah, you too." I opened the door halfway and found my Grandpa waiting for me in the same waiting room chair.

I didn't say a word on the way home. I just wanted to go to my room and be alone for a while. As we pulled into the driveway a delivery truck was in the drive way. Men were unloading the truck. Boxes and boxes of stuff. Grandma had them putting most of the items in the basement and then when it was full she had them put the remaining stuff out in the barn. I figured out it was all the things that did not sell in the Auction. Some boxes had mom's name on them; others had my dad's name. Very few of the boxes had Josh's name or mine for that matter.

I took a deep breath to fight back the reality of it all and went on upstairs to my room slamming the door behind me. I turned on the lap top and played around with it, looking at pictures that had been downloaded into it. Most of the pictures were of Andrea and me making silly faces or doing cheers. A few had other friends of the squad but the ones that I looked at the most were of me and Jake. Andrea was right we made a cute couple. I got out of the pictures and decided to play a game or two and then turned it back off. There's just not much to do with it without the internet. Then I remembered the phone. I picked it up and dialed for Andrea; this time she answered.

"Hello." Her voice sounded so far away.

"Thank you for sending my stuff."

"OMG! Shayla it is so good to hear from you. My mom thought that it would be great if you had a phone so that we could talk to each other. I am so miserable without you."

"I miss you too. How is everyone there?"

"Everyone is doing fine. We are just missing you. Do you think that you will ever be able to come back home to visit?"

"Yeah sure when I'm like twenty." I laughed. "How's Jake?"

She paused for a while, "He's.....he's doing alright. He still talks about you."

"Is he seeing anyone yet?"

"Not really." She paused as if she was trying to think of what to say next. "He's been out on a few dates, but nothing serious. How about you?"

"The same. There is this guy, Isaiah. We went out after a therapy session and he wants to get closer but I'm still so in love with Jake. How can I move on when all I think about is him?"

She didn't answer my question instead she asked, "Therapy?"

"Yeah, didn't I tell you? I have to go once a week because they think I need it."

"Do you?"

"I don't know. Life is so different now. I'm not the same. It's like a piece of me died with them. A part of me wishes that I did. I have lost so much weight you wouldn't even notice me. You know I bet my cheer outfit would fall to my ankles; I would probably need to find a way to pin it so it would fit right." I laughed. "How about when I get off I'll take a picture and send it to you."

"That bad uh! I wish I could be there with you." She paused, then stated, "I would make sure that you had plenty to eat, you know how I like to eat." She laughed.

"I know you do, look I need to get off, but I'll talk with you later alright."

"O.K. love ya sis."

"Bye." I closed the phone then opened it back up. I pushed the button to take a picture of me and then sent it to her. A few seconds later she texted me back.

OMG! U R A toothpick. EAT SOMETHING. COOL HAIR, WHY DID U CUT IT? LYS.

I relied with a simple: THANKS LOL! And I needed a change.

Christmas came and went. It wasn't the same without them, my family that is. Relatives came over to celebrate. I stayed downstairs only long enough to open presents. Practically everything that I had opened, I would never use it or wear it for that matter. I did receive one cool gift from Brooke. She had gotten me a pair of black onyx earrings with a choker to match.

The Grandparents had done most of the shopping on my behalf considering that I did not have any money of my own. While in town with Grandpa, I had seen a pair of ruby earrings that dangled so intriguing and just had to get it for Brooke. When she opened it, she was surprised and gave me a hug. As others were opening their presents, I snuck back upstairs to my room. Brooke came up for a while.

"So can I come in?"

"Sure"

"Did you like the earrings?" She asked while she was putting on the ones that I had gotten her.

I pulled them out of the box and put them in my ears. "Yeah, thanks they are kinda cool."

We talked for a while and I showed her pictures of back home with my friends and with Jake. Soon her dad was yelling up the stairs that it was time for them to go. Finally I was alone for the first time today.

I never noticed when they all had left. I was in my own little world in my mother's room. I looked out the window and for some unknown reason I said out loud, "Merry Christmas." I wonder if they could hear me from where I was. This is my first Christmas without them.

I missed therapy on Monday; I claimed to be too sick to get out of bed. I lay around the house the whole entire week. I spent some days in the closet, in the dark, letting the clothes from the hangers drape over me. I tried to imagine what it would feel like in a cramped up area, in the dark. Even on New Years, I refused to go anywhere. Brooke had wanted me to go out for a little while, but I turned her down. New Years day was on a Monday so I missed therapy again due to the holiday. Dr. Givens scheduled me to come in on Saturday with the group session. Great! Won't that be a blast...

At the moment I was trying to decide on what to wear for school tomorrow. Yes, I had to go back. I was a little nervous considering that I did not know anyone. I had no clue what the school was like. I had a really hard time going to sleep. I could feel the little butterflies twirl around in my stomach just like it use to right before something big was going to happen. Like when I would go to the cheer competitions or stand on stage in front of a large crowd, you know that feeling. Some call it the jitters others call it nerves. Whatever it was it made me feel sick to my stomach at this very moment.