I tossed and turned within the night. I was lucky if I even got ten minutes of sleep. I held on tightly to the tear filled pillow, letting it all out in the darkness of the room. I tried to smother myself in the pillow so that they would not hear me. I did not want them to hear me cry for if they did I knew that they would be right by my side trying to comfort me and all I really wanted was to be alone. My body ached all over from the wreck. As hard as I was thrown out, it is so hard to believe that I did not have one broken bone. A few scratches here and there and my body felt like it was ran over several times. I still wondered who saved me, who pulled me out?

It's been two long days now and still the sun does not shine through the windows of this upstairs bedroom. It was my mother's room when she was younger. The walls were painted an eggshell white with her past plastered up everywhere. The furniture was old, antique white as well; absolutely no color what so ever. How gloomy. It's just as gloomy outside as it is inside with a thick layer of fog covering the sun. Maybe the world is just as sad as I am. Alone. Frightened. Lost.

I can hear my grandparents downstairs hustling about getting ready for the saddest day of my life. I would rather stay here in this bed covered head to toe like a cocoon. Hidden, camouflaged from the world that continues to move around me. I no longer wish to be the brightly colorful butterfly, striving for full attention. Yet to tell the truth I wish I could have gone with my parents. Just think, a place that is calm, peaceful, and pain free. I feel like a thousand needles are sticking into my heart, causing my body to go numb all over. I need Andrea; I need Jake. Someone that really knows me to hold me close. But even then the pain would still be here. It will never go away. How do I continue to move on with my life? How?

Their voices carry on through this old house; the walls are so paper thin. I hear them complaining about me. I know they are worried because I haven't left this room, this bed in two whole days. I have not eaten anything that my grandmother has brought up to me. I haven't even looked at them when they try to talk to me. Now their voice batting back and forth about today, they both know that I do not want to go, yet I already know who has won this battle.

The knock came to the door and then she entered the room without me inviting her in. "It's time to get up now child." Her voice so sweet and grandmother like. "Today will go by fast my dear; you need to say your farewells."

She pulled the covers off of me and grabbed hold to my arms, pulling me up into a sitting position. "Oh, Shayla, sweetheart you got to get out of this bed, out of this room. It's been two long days now. Come on now let me help you get ready."

I didn't say anything even though I raised my arms into the air for her to undress me and then she slid the black dress on. She zipped up the back and then sat down beside me to brush out my tangled hair that hadn't been combed since the night of the wreck. She managed to get out ever tangle, and then she twirled my hair up in a French twist, just like mom wore her hair. "There now you look pretty...." She paused for a moment. I knew who she was thinking about, my mom. "Come on now; your Grandfather is waiting for us downstairs." She patted my leg.

"I can't go." I whispered, looking down so that she wasn't able to look into my eyes. The tears were begging to come as they formed at the edge of my eyelashes.

"You are going and that's final. " Her tone turned into a serious mother tone, she almost sounded like my father though. How he made me feel like I was a child not able to make my own decisions. "That was your mother, your father, and your little brother. You are going if I have to drag you there myself," she huffed.

"But..." I looked up into her eyes for her to see how I felt.

She paused for a quick second taking it all in. "No buts child; now let's go." She helped me down the stairs. I held onto the railing, feeling my clamy hands slide right along for a little extra support.

I forced myself into the car, grinding my teeth together. I swear I thought my heart skipped a few beats. Suddenly I was stricken with terror, my eyes filled as I held onto the seatbelt. My hands started to tremble. I haven't been in a car for three long days now and frankly I wish I was not in this one. I wondered if I would ever be alright in a moving vehicle again. I tried to pretend that I was alright as I looked out the window but everything was flashing before my eye. Is this a dream; is this real?

It had been a quiet ride to the funeral home and thankfully they had gone the other way so I wouldn't see where the accident had been. There were already people lined all the way outside to get in; relatives, friends, and strangers from all over to say their goodbyes to my parents and Josh. We entered from the back door. People came up to us as soon as they saw us, telling us how sad and how sorry they were and if we needed anything just say so. My Grandparents were soon distracted and somehow forgot about me for the time being. Finally I was alone. So I found a quiet place to sit on the very top step of the second floor of the funeral home; no one could see me from where I was. And the funny thing about it, no one came looking for me. Not even my Grandparents.

Soon everyone crowded up into the room downstairs. Father Matthews started to talk. I could hear the echo of his voice from below, except in my mind I did not comprehend any of it. My mind was focused on the day that we left. I remember having the stupid dream. Why did it have to happen? I remember so clearly how my Dad brushed it off as if it was just another vision of mine. He did not even give me the chance to tell him about it and if he did it still wouldn't have mattered.

Father Matthews's voice was stronger than ever, making his sermon submerge into our souls. I stood sluggishly from the steps and sauntered silently to the door way. The room was overfilled, every seat was taken, some of the visitors stood against the walls and behind the remaining pews. Family members sat in the first half of the pews, my Grandparents, in the front row. Flowers swarmed around the room, mostly around their caskets. The three of them, side by side, each closed with a picture of them on top. How they looked so happy in those photos. But underneath the casket door they were not smiling. I knew they still had that shocking look of death on their faces. I couldn't help but wonder if their eyes were closed or opened, wide, scared. Poor little Josh how awful this must be for you; I never meant to hurt you.

I stood there quivering; my eyes now glassed over. A lump formed in the lower part of my throat as I gasped for air. The room suddenly stood still. Father Matthews's voice came to an abrupt stop within the proverb that he was quoting. I could feel everyone staring at me, yet I could not see any one as if I was blinded by something. By the time I reached the front I had lost my shoes and my hair was no longer in a French twist, but dangled in my face past my waist. I climbed the few steps up towards the caskets then I slammed my fist along the top of my father's casket. I screamed out loud, "Why didn't you listen? Why didn't you believe....for once daddy why? Why?" I cried. The tears came now, not because he was gone but because a part of me hated him for not believing, not believing in me his own daughter.

I felt his warm hands onto my shoulders; Father Matthews tried to comfort me, attempting to sooth me. Yet, I didn't want to be consoled. I pulled away from him and reached for my mother's casket. I kissed the top; as my hands trembled, I grasped her picture holding it so close to my chest as I fell to the floor. With one hand I stroked the side of her casket, hoping that somehow she could feel me. Maybe hear me weep for her. "Mom you can't leave me. I need you. Please come back. Please, I will be good. I won't start anything; I'll do whatever you want me too. I won't ever dream again. I won't pretend that everything is all right. Please, please I'm begging you; I won't be the same without you......I can't breathe." I gasped for air, my chest felt like it was caving in, and the life within me was being sucked right out of me. "I can't breathe." I repeated.

I continued to bang my fist into the side of her casket, hoping that any minute she would come and take me with her. I banged until I became so weak, then someone picked me up and carried me to a room in the back. Everything that was going on from the front of the funeral home was so surreal. If only I could hear what they were all saying about my family, but from here everything was muffled and I seemed so far away from all of them. I finally got up the nerve to look at who was sitting beside me and holding me within his arms, the one carried me out of that dreadful place. It was no other than my mothers' brother, my uncle David. David had always treated me like princesses when I came to visit and if he had his way I would have been his. He always claimed that I was his little girl.

He hugged me even tighter. "Hang in there kido."

I tried to talk back but the words would not escape the tip of my tongue, instead tears streamed along my already rosy, puffy cheeks. I thought about my Uncle David and how he was here with me instead of out there with them. I wondered what they thought about that; would the grandparents be upset about this. Would they think that I was spoiled and was just looking for attention or would they understand that I was just very sad and upset about the whole situation? But all the while, he just hugged me, one hand wrapped around me while the other stroked my head until he was interrupted by his wife. "It's time to go."

Moments later I was in the car again going to the graveyard. I hated this place. The place where my family will be buried forever as if they never existed, maybe it was all a figment of my imagination. I sat between my Grandparents, each placed a hand on my knee. It was odd, but I did not cry, maybe I cried my last tears earlier with Uncle David. I sat there frozen, wondering what it would be like to lay in the casket with tons of dirt on top of me. How dark it would be. How quiet it would be. And I sat there and blamed myself for everything.

I watched as they were placed six feet under. People tossed in flowers and other items as they said their goodbyes. Uncle David and his wife held hands as they walked up and then back to the edge of the bushes. Then when everyone was all done, we got up last. My Grandmother spotted her face with a wet tissue. Grandfather tried to hold back his tears, but they came just as well. I did not say bye out loud, though inside I did and oh how bad it hurt. It was the strangest feeling, like everything inside of me just died, every nerve, ever thought, every little piece of me went numb. It felt like something was holding me down and I was afraid to move. I felt both of them on each side of me holding my hands and helping me walk back to the car. Uncle David hugged be one more time. I hugged him quickly and got in the back of the car.

I don't recall the ride home. I barely remember walking up the stairway to the bedroom. When I woke up, it was raining again outside. I lay in the bed here in my grandparent's house, still wearing the black dress. There was a lot of noise down below. I stood barefoot on the cold wooden floor, walking over to the door to open it just a smudge to hear down stairs. I clung to the railing, almost like a death grip. I tempted to walk down just to see what was going on. The voices were clearer now, as I walked past strangers, some touched me along the way, soft hands trying to comfort me.

"I'm sorry for your loss."

"May God be with you child."

"Your parents loved you so much."

"It's just so sad....."

I cut them all off, walking straight past all of them. Some of the comments were nice, mostly asking me if I needed anything just let them know. Then there were other comments that ate at my flesh. Not once did I turn to look to see who was talking, but I heard every word.

"That poor girl."

"Oh! How sad it must be."

"She looks so sick."

"I heard they might have to send her away for a while."

"She's losing it."

"She just so young, what a waste."

I heard all the gossip, the hurtful comments that I had gone crazy, losing my poor little mind, starving myself, and apparently I am on suicide watch. Whatever! These people do not know me. They must think that I am stupid. Why would I kill myself, why that's plain out ridiculous?

I made eye contact with my Grandma; she smiled back at me, a half-hearted smile. I could see that she was hurting almost as much as I was. She pulled me close to her and hugged me. When she let go of me, I turned around and walked back towards the stairs pushing away the over filled plate of food that she had prepared for me. I listened to all the condolences and gossip all over again as I made my way through the crowed. I got a glimpse of Uncle David standing in the hallway talking with a few of the other relatives and friends. That sting feeling came back to the edge of my nose and I knew if I didn't leave then that the tears would surely come. I hurried up the steps, shutting the door behind me as soon as I reached the top.

The rain turned into sleet as it bounced on the side of the window. I forgot that it still thundered and lightened this time of the year. It felt like the world was crying with me. I wondered if they could see me from where they were; could they see me crying for them. I wondered if my mother was trying to wrap her arms around me telling me that everything was going to be alright. Then dad striking down like lightning and thunder blaming me for my stupid silly dreams. Yes, I was to blame; I am the reason they are there and I am here. I wondered about Josh, was he afraid of the dark still or was he alright in heaven with the angels.

I glared out the window for a long time, watching the lightening light up the pitch dark night. I got a small glimpse of my reflection, unfortunately I did look under the weather and sick with no color to my skin. Then something caught my eye, something, a shadow, a figure down below under the Weeping Willow Tree. I strained to see in the dark and as the lightning struck again I saw her dancing in the sleet. The woman from my dreams, it had to be her. She was beautiful, almost angel like. Her body swayed along with the wind and the branches of the tree. Her hair glistened of sparkling ice particles and each time the night lit up she glimmered. She noticed me watching her; our eyes frozen on each other for a split second. Then she raised her hands towards me, motioning for me to join her. I ran down the stairs and out the back door letting the screen door slam behind me.

The freezing rain hit my bare arms. The blades of wet grass squished under my feet and between my toes. She called out, "My little Aislinn." She held out her arms for me to dance with her. And I did. I danced around and around under the Weeping Willow, holding on to her with all my might. I was covered in the cold sleet, letting it freeze in my hair. Then I looked up and snow started to come down in the mix as well. I wanted to cry, on the other hand I wanted to smile, my emotions were so overwhelmed and mixed up. But something told me that I was safe here with her. At this very second I was breathing.

I heard terrified screams from the house. My Grandma was yelling at my Grandfather to get blankets and to call a doctor. Yet I tried to ignore her screams for me; I continued to dance with the woman. She pulled me closer to her and then far away, back and forth like I was a small child with a school age friend dancing in circles like with Ring-Around-the-Roses or something.

"Shayla, what on Earth are you doing child?" My Grandfather wrapped the warm blanket around my frozen body. I pulled out an arm, reaching for the woman to take hold my hand again.

"Shayla dear, what are you doing? What do you see out there?" He asked persistently.

Could he not see her; was she not there? Was she not real? Was she only in my dreams, in my thoughts? As he picked me up, I looked back toward her and there she was looking just as sad as I was. Then I heard her. "I'll always be here for you my little Aislinn." And with a blink of an eye she was gone.

"Are you trying to make yourself sick child," scowled my Grandmother. "You could get phenomena out there in this weather, especially half naked the way you are," she huffed. "What on Earth are we going to do with you?" She pulled the blanket tighter around me.

They took me upstairs and pulled off the frozen wet clothes that clung to my body. My Grandmother found an old nightgown and the both of them helped me into it and then laid me down in the bed covering me up with extra blankets to warm up my body temperature. Grandfather brought in an extra heater to help warm me up as well. I was asleep within seconds letting the warmth of the blankets surround me, letting visions of her play in my thoughts. Who was she?