I don't really know how long that I slept, and I can't recall any weird dreams within that time. However I do remember dancing in the freezing rain with the woman. Who was she? Better yet, was she even real? My Grandpa didn't even see her. She had to be real, she just had to be or else I am losing my freak'n mind.

Her hands were so warm within my hands as we danced under the tree. Her eyes sparkled in the night, ice shimmered in her hair and I could still smell the aromatic smell of thyme all around me. I never thought about how cold it was or even what I was doing for that matter. It was different with her. It was like she was a part of me as I was just like a part of her. Am I losing my mind, is she in there somewhere. Could I have imagined her there dancing and if so does that mean I was dancing with myself. I can recall her yelling, 'My Aislinn, My Aislinn' over and over. Just like in the dream, Aislinn. Who was she?

With the massive pile of blankets on top of me, my body was over heating like a hot summer day in the middle of July. I pulled them off and they rolled into a heap on the floor. I heard voices downstairs. That's when I realized that it was Thursday, Thanksgiving. Relatives were gathering downstairs in the living room and the kitchen. I could hear them scrambling back and forth. I forced myself out of the bed and found a pair of old jeans on the chair by the vanity. Even though they were just a tad too big, I slid my legs through them. My Grandma also had a bright red sweater on the seat of the chair. Nevertheless I looked into the drawers and pulled out a black turtle neck shirt instead. I brushed my hair out a few times while looking in the mirror, noticing pictures around the glass. All of them were pictures of my mom. My hand stroked along the pictures of her, how she looked so young then. Most of the pictures were of her and her friends, there were two pictures of her and my father at their senior prom and several other pictures of just her, smiling. I hesitated about going down stairs, but then finally got the nerve to go.

The rooms were crowded; I could feel everyone looking at me or it felt like it anyway as I hung my head down low with my hair covering most of my face. My Grandma noticed me coming into the kitchen and she quickly fixed me a plate. She was always trying to get me to eat. 'Put some meat on those bones', she would say. She requested for one of the cousins to get up from the table so that I could sit down. Considering that I haven't eaten in days, I should have been starving. I tried to eat a few bites, but mostly I played with the food with my fork making patterns with the mashed potatoes and gravy, something that Josh would have done when he refused to eat. It wasn't the same without them. It wasn't the same without Josh irritating the crap out of me.

The younger cousins finished eating and ran outside to play even though it was as cold as it was. And the ground had at least two inches of snow, funny how no one bothered fussing at them for being out in the cold. The men of the house went into the den and turned on the TV to watch the Dallas Cowboys play against the Titans. Most of the women gathered in the kitchen and started to wash up the dishes and gossip. I continued to sit at the table wondering if I should get up and just go back to my room. Then Brooke sat down beside me. She was wearing an orange turtle neck with a black shirt. She had matching earrings that were pumpkins. Her nails were done in orange as well, rather a pretty bright shade. We sat there beside each other for a few minutes not saying a word and then finally she spoke up.

"Hi!"

I waved my hand up, gesturing hi to her. She was my favorite of all the cousins. We had a lot in common and every time that I came to visit the Grandparents we would hang out with each other like old friends.

She played with the lining at the bottom of her jeans. "So, I was wondering something," she said softly.

"What?" Hoping that she wasn't about to ask about the accident, thankfully she didn't.

"I wanted to know if you would want to go shopping with me tomorrow."

"Why?"I managed to say shaking my head no. I haven't even thought about shopping much less getting dressed in the mornings for that matter. I was barely even getting out of my Mom's old room.

"I was hoping that we could spend time with each other." One eyebrow raised some with the little smirk of a smile she gave. "Shayla we always go out when you're in. Come on it will be fun. It will be like always, and you might have a little fun. Just the two of us."

"I don't know, first of all I don't have any money and I don't know if Grandma will let me go. She's been keeping a good eye on me lately." That was a little lie; my Grandmother had been keeping an eye on me but not that close. She had no idea what I did behind the closed bedroom door. And if she did she would want to send me away to get help.

"Actually I already asked her and she thinks it's a great idea and besides I have my dad's credit cards so you can get a few things too." She waved her hand in the air. Her dad was the greatest; there were so many days when I had wished that he was my father.

"Sounds like you have everything planned out." I noticed my grandma looking at me, giving me that eye like mothers do. She had wanted me to go. It was just something to do to get me out of the house. Anything to make me normal again would make her happy.

"Yeah, and by the way lunch is on me as well, so what do you say it will be fun?" she continued to beg.

"I guess if it will make you happy, I'll go." I drug out the last part.

"So I will be here in the morning about seven to get you then." She tapped the table.

"OK." I stood from the table and went back upstairs to the room. I thought about the next day of shopping. I'm sure it will be alright it's just that usually we all go shopping; my mom, her mom, and some of the other aunts and girl cousins. It was a time that we did our Christmas shopping. On Thanksgiving we all draw names, no one is allowed to tell whose name you got. Then the women go shopping on Black Friday and shop, blow money and such. We have a small get together before we leave to go back home and open presents. This is because we only visit this one time out of the whole entire year. But tomorrow will just be the two of us. And I guess this year we can have Christmas on Christmas due to the fact I'm living here now. Oh, How I wish that I was back home. I can't even imagine a Christmas without Andrea.

I went to sleep early knowing that tomorrow was going to be a big day, full of shopping with Brooke. Brooke and I are the same age; she is just a tad shorter than me. We don't even look like we would be related to each other. Our birthdays are only a little over a month apart. Her father is my mom's brother or should I say was, considering my mom is not here anymore. He always kidded around saying that I was his little girl. A part of me wished that he had been my father, because he would have believed in me regardless.

My Grandma woke me up early, six in the morning to be exact. She thought that maybe I wanted to take a shower and have a bite to eat before Brooke came over. And just because she is hungry doesn't mean that I am. HELLO! So I have lost a few pounds in the past few days, whoopee I will be all right. It's not like I'm going to die from a few pounds.

Brooke arrived a little after seven. I didn't give her time to get out of the car; instead I ran outside and jumped into the front seat of her Bug. It was bright and shiny red, as if it just came right out of the factory. The seats were in black fuzz with golden music notes, with all the rest of the accessories to match the music notes, you know, the steering wheel, floor mats and such. She had been in the band or I guess I should say she is in the band. She loves to play Clarinet and sometimes she gets the opportunity to play the drums.

"Nice car."

"Birthday present."

"I have a mustang GT at home, royal blue," I paused for a moment, "I wonder if I will ever see it again," I sighed.

"Why wouldn't you?" She thumbed through her CD case.

"I overheard a conversation about what my parents owed to the bank. Apparently they owe a second mortgage on the house, they owe on all the cars including mine. And Grandma stated that the funeral was expressive enough to pay for."

"Maybe you should ask about all your things at home, see if they could send it all to you."

"Yeah, maybe so," I exhaled noisily.

She found the CD she was looking for and then backed out of the driveway, heading for the mall, cranking the radio up loud. She came to a stop sign and was fixing to turn to the right, but I requested for her to go a different way.

"But it will take longer," she grumbled.

"Please, I just can't go on that road." I didn't want to bring up the accident, however if I needed to I would.

"Oh, yeah....." she paused briefly as if trying to figure out why I did not want to go that way. Then she sighed and said, "OK we will go this way." She turned left and started singing to the CD again as if nothing had happened. Brooke had attended the funeral and the burial but within that time we did not exchange words it was as if we just didn't know what to say to each other.

When we got closer to the mall she turned the music down some. "Say....my dad wanted me to tell you to get whatever you needed, anything." She flashed the credit cards in my face. "He says to tell you to consider it as a gift. You're his favorite niece you know. He wants you to be happy, so he says buy some clothes, jewelry, CD's anything that will make you feel better."

It was a nice offer and all, but I didn't want to take advantage of him, not now. "I don't know."

"Please Shayla, if you don't buy a few things he will be so mad at me, so please just a few things just to make him happy."

"Alright I will look, but I can't promise you anything." I started to roll my eyes.

She was pleased and tossed the cards back into her designer purse. She found a parking spot and before she got out she took one last look into the rearview mirror and added some lipstick and a tad more of blush. "You want some."

I motioned her away, "No thanks," I can't remember the last time I had put on makeup; well actually I can, right before we came here. But today I could care less what people thought of me. Who really care who sees me without makeup.

We shopped until lunch time. She had to drag me into half of the stores. I can't count how many things that I tried on, then again nothing really caught my attention. I noticed a nice pair of black leather boots as we were walking past the shoe store. "Those are cool."

Brooke dragged me into the store and asked the lady for my size. "Here try them on." She practically threw them at me. They did fit well and they looked really cool. I took them off and placed them back into the box, looking down at the price; I put them back on the shelf. Nevertheless, Brooke picked them back up and carried them to the cashier, flashing the card. "Dad says not to worry about the price, neither should you?" She smiled ear to ear. I just shook my head. Her dad was the coolest of dads. If only mine had been that way but even now I wished that he was just here regardless how cool he was or wasn't.

We decided to eat at the food court. Two of her friends found her and joined us. They talked and talked about things that I had no idea about. I tried not to be rude while cutting into their conversation, "Brooke can I use your cell for a minute."

"Sure." She handed it right to me and continued to talk to her friends.

I dialed for Andrea. She picked up on the eighth ring. "Hello!"

"Andrea, it's me Shayla."

"Hey girl, I didn't recognize the number, sorry it took so long to answer it. Whose phone are you using?"

"Brooke's, you remember my cousin don't you?"

"Yeah, you talk about her enough. So, I heard what happened," she paused for a moment. "Shayla how are you doing?"

"I'm...I'm getting by; I really miss you." I didn't want to tell her the truth. I didn't want her to know how I felt like I was dying from the moment I woke up till the time I went to bed at night. How I was seeing things that were not even there. And I definitely did not mention the dreams for now, even though she knew that I had them quite often.

"So when are you coming home?" I heard the sadness in her voice.

"Andrea get real, where would I stay?"

"I can talk to my parents, they'll go for it. You can move in with me. We always said that we wanted to be sisters why not make it official." She acted like this was a normal weekend of an overnight stay except for the fact that this would be forever or at least until graduation.

I walked out into the mall away from the Food Court, so that I could hear her better and talk to her without anyone else listening in. "My Grandparents won't allow me to go, I'm surprised that they even let me out today. I'm at the mall shopping with Brooke. They feel that I need to get out."

"So this is it Shayla, I'm never going to see you again." Her voice raised and I could hear her starting to shed tears. How I wished that I could hold her for awhile; how I wished that she could hold me. I could really use a friend right now that understands me. "It was only supposed to be for the week Shayla not forever. You promised."

"Andrea, I will find away to see you. Please don't cry this has been really hard for me." The tears formed into my eyes as well. "Andrea I need you to do me a huge favor."

She managed to stop crying for a split second, "Sure, anything." She said between sobs.

"Do you still have the extra key to my house?"

"Yeah, always."

"Will you go over there? I think the alarm is still on, so just put in the code and go to my room. I need you to grab anything and everything that is important to me. My CD's, photo's, laptop......and there is a box that is in my closet pushed all the way into the back. You know which one."

"Alright I will go. What do you want me to do with all of it?" she asked.

"Send it to me. Just write my name all over it and write 'Private, do not open'." I gave her my Grandparents address. I didn't hear Brooke and her friends walk up behind me. I wonder how much that she had heard.

"There you are!" She smiled in surprise to see me. Maybe she thought that I was going to run off...escape. "You ready to go shopping some more?" she asked.

I held up my finger for her to wait just a minute. "Andrea I gotta go." I paused. "Hey can you do something else for me? Can you tell Jake I'm sorry that I won't be able to keep that promise to him either and that I love him and I totally understand if he wants to see someone else. Let him know that I will be alright. And Andrea, I love ya." Then I flipped the phone shut, wiping away a few stranded tears and handed it back to Brooke. "Thanks." I sighed.

"No problem." She didn't mention the emotional state that I was in instead she changed the subject. Hey we were thinking about getting our hair and nails done at the new Salon; join us, it will be fun."

"I don't know." I snarled up my nose.

"Come on Shayla." She wrapped her arm within mine. "By the way who is Jake?" Her two friends came in closer wanting to hear all about him.

"Just a guy." And I left it at that. But he wasn't just a guy. He was mine and I was miserable without him. So I kept him to myself for now and I forced myself to get my nails done.

Brooke and her friends picked out a new color of pink and were in the process of getting a facial. I, on the other hand, picked out black nail polish. The cranky frizzy hair lady doing my nails said that I was crazy for wanting black; she tried to talk me out of it, but I asked her if she was paying for the nails. So she reluctantly painted them black. Looking at the way the frizz head had her make up with bright pink eye shadow and lipstick that just didn't match; I passed the facial and sat in the chair to get my hair done. I told the lady that I needed something different, I needed a change. So I had her cut off more than twelve inches, making my hair come right above my shoulders. I figured she would have asked me again just to make sure that I really wanted it cut but she didn't. I kinda liked it. Then I requested for her to dye it black and make it flare out some. It looked really cool and it was definitely different. When Brooke and her friends finished their new hair styles they walked right past me not realizing who I was.

"Now where did she go to; I can't seem to keep up with her?" Brooke told her friends.

I turned around in the seat, "I'm right here guys."

"Holy...." Brooke's jaw fell open almost hitting the floor.

"What do you think?" I said smiling.

"It's different all right," She said biting her bottom lip. "Grandpa and Grandma won't ever let you go out with me again." She laughed covering her mouth.

The next store was filled with make-up and accessories. I walked around looking at all the items, and then decided on two new eye liners, mascara, a tube of black lipstick and a bottle of black nail polish. I threw them all into the little pink bucket that the sales lady was nice to offer me when I came into the store. Brooke never said a word; she just flipped out the cards. At the end of the day I had purchased two pairs of jeans, a black skirt, two black shirts, a black sweater and a black leather coat to go with the boots. I never wanted to wear color again or anything that was cheerful and happy. I was not alone at the moment but in reality I was all alone in this dark world of mine. I am not safe; I am not happy. A part of me is lost and frightened and somehow a part of me doesn't feel anything anymore. I feel distant and confined in my own little world surrounded in black darkness.

At the end of the day, Brooke told her friends bye and took me home. As we pulled into the drive she turned to me. "Shayla, I hope you had some fun today."

"I did." And I wasn't lying this time; I did have a little fun.

"I hope Grandma doesn't get upset with the black nails and your new hair."

"She'll get over it." Frankly I didn't care what she thought, but I knew she would be a little upset about it but then blame it all on the absence of my parents. She will let it slide.

"Do you think you will be going to school on Monday?"

School was the last thing on my mind. "Actually I haven't even thought about it."

"Let me know, maybe I could come by and get you."

"We'll see." I got out of the car and grabbed all my bags from the back. I walked in, not noticing my Grandparents in the next room. I walked up stairs and tossed the bags next to the bed and then tossed myself on the bed. I was out in seconds with exhaustion.

***

The old white house was so clear in view. The fog had drifted lower to the ground and the moon shined brightly up above. The moon lit the area so that I was able to see the trees and wild weeds and flowers swarm around the house. A small breeze blew through my hair, blowing it away from my face; the aroma of thyme embraced me. She stood in the far window, her silhouette looking out towards me. A voice came from behind me, but as I turned around, no one was there. I was alone outside. I walked up closer to the house and the voice was stronger this time. 'Don't go.' But no one was there; it was just a voice warning me to stay away. I now stood on the front porch. I could hear her calling my name, 'Aislinn', requesting for me to enter the house, then the other voice becoming harsh telling me to leave. I was confused, torn in the middle of two places.

***

Then a knock at the door woke me up. My Grandma entered, "Did you have fun today?"

"It was alright." I started to sit up in the bed, wiping my eyes.

"I'm glad you got out of the house for a while, Brooke says that she had a lot of fun with you."

"Yeah."

"Shayla, Dr. Algood came by today to check on you. He would like for you to see Dr. Givens on Monday. Grandpa will take you."

"Why?"

"Dr. Algood feels like you need to talk to someone. It will be good for you Shayla to talk about your feelings."

"Whatever!" It didn't do any good to argue with her or roll your eyes. Regardless she would win so why should I start a fight. It was kinda like having dad around, he was always right and he always won the battle.

She reached over to pull my hair out of my face, tucking the strand behind my ear. "That's a little better, now I can see you. Why on Earth did you dye it so black? The length looks good on you but the color....." She shook her head as if she was a little discussed. I just shrugged my shoulders. "I just don't get it; such a pretty girl and here you are dying everything black. Why did you buy only black things, this isn't the end of the world you know?"

I wanted her to know that I was just going through a time in my life, a phase, maybe it was adolescence, maybe it was just me afraid to move on without them. I really didn't mean anything by it. "I didn't..."

She cut me off, "I know this is a difficult time for you, that's why I want you to talk with Dr. Givens it will do you some good."

"Alright." I didn't argue with her.

"Now come down stairs and eat." She squished my arm. "You need some meat on these bones." She turned and walked out of the room.

I lay back down on the bed wondering how she would know how I felt. Yeah, her parents were gone now as well, but she didn't lose them at the same time and she wasn't a teenager. I'm seventeen; I have lost everything and no doctor was going to turn back time and give me my life back. I'm stuck in this old house, with my grandparents, within these paper thin walls. My parents are never coming back. My brother, Josh, is never coming back. I will never see my friends again, not to mention Jake. So if I want to cut my hair, dye it black and wear black and just be different then by all means it is my business. The old me is gone and this is me now. This is my new life. So get over it.