"Someday, you'll write the story you're afraid to tell."
-Demi (AnakniRizal)

Kabanata 9: The First Sinner

CAPUT PRIUM

Invidia

KINAILANGAN ko pang i-search sa internet ang kahulugan ng mga banyagang salitang 'yan. Mabuti na lang at may data ang phone ko kaya kaagad kong na-search.

Caput Prium, Latin word ito na kapag na-translate sa Ingles ay 'Chapter One' at ang 'Invidia' naman ay isa ring Latin word na nangangahulugan ng 'Envy'. Nakita ko sa Wikipedia ang isang sketch na kaparehas ng sketch na nandito sa journal at sa palagay ko ay iyon ang pinaggayahan ni Sari.

Invidia by Jacques Callot (1620)

Invidia is the sense of a "looking upon" associated with them, from invidere, "to look against, to look in a hostile manner." Invidia ("Envy") is one of the Seven Deadly Sins in Christian belief. Iyan ang eksaktong depinisyon na nakita ko sa Wiki.

Huminga muna ako nang malalim bago ko ilipat sa kasunod na pahina.

At laking gulat ko nang makita ko ang isang polaroid photo... ni Eriko! Kaagad kong kinuha ang naka-attach na larawan at napansing hindi naman iyon tunay na polaroid photo, kundi isang larawan na pinrint sa ordinaryong photo paper.

Bakit may larawan dito ni Eriko? A-anong kinalaman niya kay Sari, bakit siya...
Huminahon ka, Saru. Bakit ka ba kinabahan? Sabi ko sa sarili ko at muli akong huminga nang maayos. Sinimulan kong basahin ang nakasulat.

Eriko Abe is my best friend.

T-teka. Best friend ni Sari si Eriko?

Or so I thought.

Eriko and I first met during the first day of school in my freshman year. She was wearing a bright pink blouse with white tokong, her greatest feature is her chinky eyes and that cute smile, and her long black hair is in a bun. She already caught the attention of everyone, a fresh new look and she's a foreigner, a half-Japanese.

She is the friendliest among my classmates. And for someone like me who is very timid and shy, I am glad she approached me to be her friend.

Eriko and I were inseparable from that day. She was always supporting me in any of my endeavors. When I told her that I badly wanted to be a part of the University Publication, Pluma, she showed her relentless support, telling me to never give up on my dream at any cost.

I know that I am too ambitious because of my big dreams, but to be honest, I am afraid. I am afraid to show myself.

She made me feel that no matter what happened, everything's going to be alright. Like whenever unexpected things happen, she will make me feel that it was a hilarious thing that has happened. She was the center of attention; everybody loves her that's why I also made new friends because of her. I just woke up one day that I can't last a day without Eriko. I became dependent on her. I became her shadow. I can no longer stand without her, without Eriko.

But it's okay because I honestly thought that she's my friend and I thought she felt the same.

She loves the thrill and the challenge. So she's always pushing me to follow her steps, to seek the things that I haven't seen, to experience the things I haven't felt. There are times I forced myself to join her with her other friends in their "inuman" or "walwalan". She taught me how to drink a liquor, she taught me how to party, how to socialize, how to be charming. Whenever I'll go to their house for an overnight project, she will show me something new, a video of a girl doing it, or sometimes girl to boy, girl to girl or boy to boy. Afterward, she asked me if I'm still a virgin or not and I deliberately told her that I am.

Eriko laughed at me. As if it's the funniest joke she ever heard, that I've never been touched or at least have dated a boy. That time, I asked myself if it's normal for a sixteen-year-old girl to experience all that she has done. I asked myself if all along, I'm not really normal at all.

"Alam ko kung bakit." Then she looked closer at my face.

"Kasi ang sabog ng kilay mo!" And then she laughed, but she assured me that she will help me to fix it. She promised me that I will be beautiful that everyone will fall for me. She shaved my brow and taught me how to darken it. Then she's not yet done; she shaved anything she can see, my armpit, my legs, and even down there. She modeled me into someone she thinks is an acceptable "woman" to society.

I became new. A forced butterfly to grow out of her cocoon. Soon, the flowers bloomed for the butterfly. Everybody noticed how I changed and I'm going to admit that I love the attention. But there's something missing, an emptiness. I don't know why and what is it.

I mentioned that Eriko loves the thrill and the challenge, so she gave me a 'test' to see the effectiveness of my transformation. The "Make-Him-Fall-For-You" challenge. I was sure that she got it from what she has read from reading a website. You see, she loves to read tons of cliché romantic stories.

Eriko gave me a task, to flirt with a boy and my mission is to make him as my first boyfriend. She will teach me the "tricks" that she believes would work 100% for any boy and I agreed. And the 'target' she chose, the most artistic boy in our class and the meekest, that she believes it will be the easiest if it's him.

Tobias Jimenez.

So I made the moves to flirt with him, even if it's out of my character. I just did what Eriko told me to do. Texted him 'Good Morning', asked him if he already ate his lunch or dinner, chat with him until I made sure that I'm the last girl he's been talking to.

I'm starting to like Toby because he's a nice guy. I started to imagine if he will be the first one who will hold my hands while walking in the hallway. It sounds corny but I am that kind of girl, who believes in too many colors of this dull life. Until I called Eriko one night to report to her my "progress", I told her how it feels good to have someone you can flirt with and how excited I am if we will start to officially date soon, but what she told me shattered all those illusions.

"Oh, good for you. Actually tinry ko rin."

I was speechless over the phone. What she meant by "try"...

The next day everything got clearer to me.

Eriko and Toby are already dating.

And the worst thing I did?

I told how happy I am for them.

Though I'm not.

I felt betrayed and questioned everything that we went through as friends.

Am I really her friend?

Why did Eriko do that? She knows! And she's the one who gave me that stupid test.

Ah. I almost forgot. Eriko Abe, the girl who loves the challenge. I am too stupid not to figure it out in the first place. She wants to compete and she took me as a challenge. So in the end, she wins. And I am a loser.

How cruel is that? To make me feel that I cannot compete with someone like her. To prove to me that no matter what I do or what I shave or what I change or what I do, I can't stand against her. I will never be her.

Why in the hell... did I want to be like her?

Weeks passed and I was left out. I was alone. And then I saw them walking hand in hand, inseparable. A strange feeling emerged, a feeling that I never felt before.

Envy.

One time, Eriko invited me to a party and I couldn't say no. An inuman party in their house. Her parents were not at home. To make the story short, everybody at that party went wild and drunk. I am dizzy but it's clear to me what I saw, what I heard, what I felt.

Another thing, she never showed any remorse for what she did. She invited me again into a challenge. She introduced me to her guy friend from high school. Acting as if she's a matchmaker. She and her friends forced us to lock ourselves in a room. And the next thing...

Hininto ko ang pagbabasa at saka ko napansin kung gaano katagakak ang pawis ko, para akong hinabol ng sampung kabayo dahil sobrang bilis din ng tibok ng puso ko. Tama na muna sa ngayon. Masyado akong nabigla sa mga nalaman ko. Hindi ko kaya, hindi ko kayang ituloy kung ano man ang nangyari sa loob ng kwarto.

Sinara ko ang libro. Oras na para matulog, pinatay ko ang lampshade. Pagkahiga ko sa kama ay tila umaalingawngaw pa rin ang mga salitang binasa ko. Mula umpisa. Hanggang...

Ipinikit ko ang mga mata ko. At sinubukang matulog.

'Kahimanawari...'

'Kahimanawari...'

Shit! A-ano 'tong naririnig ko... Dahan-dahan akong dumilat at... at nakita ang isang babae na nakatayo, nakayuko at natatakpan ng mahabang buhok ang mukha, n-nakasuot siya ng uniform.

"S-Sari?"

Dahan-dahan itong lumapit papunta sa study table at dinampot ang blue journal. Habang nakatitig lang ako at tila naninigas ang katawan.

'Kahimanawari'

"S-sari!" Galit niya akong sinunggaban at wala akong ibang ginawa kundi sumigaw.

"S-sari!" Napabalikwas ako.

Isang panaginip.

Hindi ako naniniwala sa multo pero bakit bigla akong dinalaw ng kaluluwa ni Sari? At dahil hindi ulit ako paladasal ay bigla akong napausal ng panalangin.

Na kung nasaan man si Sari ngayon ay sana manahimik ang kanyang kaluluwa.

*****

ISANG pangitain ang pagpapakita ng kaluluwa ni Sari sa akin sa panaginip. Kalokohan. Kung sasabihin ko 'yon kay Taisei ay malamang pagtatawanan lang niya 'ko at hindi seseryosohin. Pero mukhang may dahilan kung bakit ako nanaginip ng gano'n.

Sari... tila may gusto siyang sabihin sa'kin.

Hindi ba iyon na ang ginagawa ko ngayon?

Pero hindi mo nga tinapos basahin kagabi ang unang kabanata ng journal. Sabi ng kunsensya ko. Napahinga ako nang malalim at biglang tumunog ang bell. Major class namin ngayon.

"Sari!" Napalingon ako at nakita siya. Si Eriko. "Sabay ka sa'min mag-lunch mamaya?"

Hindi kaagad ako nakasagot at napatitig lang ako sa mukha niya kasabay ng pag-alingawngaw ng mga salitang nabasa ko sa journal ni Sari kagabi.

Eriko Abe is my best friend.

"Sari? Okay ka lang?" Kumaway pa siya nang mapansing hindi ako nagsalita.

"Uhm, sorry, may gagawin kasi ako mamaya sa Pluma." Palusot ko.

"Hmm... Sige, next time na lang siguro?"

"O-oo, next time."

"Just call me." Kumaway pa siya at nabigla ako nang halikan niya ako sa pisngi. "See yah!"

Nakapasok na sa loob lahat ng classmates ko sa classroom pero nanatili lang akong tuod sa kinatatayuan ko habang tinatanaw sila palayo ni Tobias na magkahawak kamay.

"Excuse me, gusto mong saraduhan kita ng pinto?" Natauhan lang ako nang makita ko ang isang matabang babae na nakadungaw sa pinto, prof 'ata namin 'to.

"Sorry po." Bago ako pumasok sa loob ay nilingon ko muna sila.

Weird pero nang halikan ako sa pisngi ni Eriko ay may naramdaman ako.

Galit.

*****

LIBRARY

Muli kong binuklat ang asul na journal para tapusin basahin ang unang kabanata. Pagkatapos kong maramdaman 'yon kanina ay tila nabuhay ang dugo ko na tapusin kung ano man ang mga nakasulat dito.

She and her friends forced us to lock ourselves in a room. And the next thing was pitch-black, but I felt his hands. His hands all over me.

"Hey, baby." He whispered in my ear. "Can you be mine?"

I remembered Eriko, she used to read those lines from the story she's reading and she's giggling over it because for her it was nakakakilig.

But why I didn't feel the kilig she felt?

He didn't touch me but he asked me if I can 'touch' him.

So I did.

Eriko loves the thrill. And so do I for that moment.

It was one of a hell experience. His hands on my head as he pushed it deeper and faster.

I am scared and I admit that I was excited. Maybe because I was drunk? Am I really stupid enough to remember all these shits? I am crying right now when I'm writing this. I'm crying because I clearly remember. Why do I need to remember?

The next day, at school... Eriko and Toby acted as if nothing happened as if they didn't remember but I know they do. We never talked about what happened at the party until now.

But I reached my limit. She is not my friend and I want my revenge.

KAHIMANAWARI

I hope they break up.

I want to steal what Eriko stole from me.

Huli na para mapagtanto ko na nanginginig ang buong katawan ko nang matapos ko ang unang kabanata. Malinaw sa'kin ngayon ang unang kahilingan ni Sari.

Kaya mo bang gawin 'yon para kay Sari, Saru?

Sinara ko ang journal at tumingin sa kawalan. Ito ang unang hiling ni Sari.

"Hoy." Hindi na ako nagulat nang makita ko si Taisei. "Baka malimutan mo na may pupuntahan tayo bukas." Hindi ako kumibo at napansin niya 'yon.

"Okay ka lang?" Bigla siyang nag-alala nang hindi ako sumagot.

"Oo, hindi ko nakalimutan."

"Ano'ng nangyari?"

"Wala naman."

"Ano'ng wala? May nangyari ba?"

Tumitig lang ako sa kanya habang nanatili siyang nakakunot.

"Taisei."

"Oh?"

"Paano ko maaagaw ang isang lalaki sa girlfriend niya?"

"H-ha?!" Napatingin sa'min lahat ang ibang estudyante sa lakas ng boses niya. "Anong pinagsasabi mo?"

"May crush kasi ako at sayang lang kasi taken na siya."

Mula sa pagkakakunot ay napalitan ng natatawang mukha ang itsura niya, yung mukhang natatawa na may sarcasm.

"Ke-bago-bago mo rito, lumalandi ka na?"

Ngumiti ako sa kanya at pasimple kong hinila ang journal para itago sa ilalim ng table.

"Bakit? Tao lang din naman ako 'di ba?"

"Hoy, Sumiyaya." Bigla siyang sumeryoso at dinuro ako. "Wala akong pakilam kung ilang lalaki pa ang landiin mo pero siguraduhin mo lang na hindi 'yan makakasagabal sa misyon natin."

"Misyon natin?"

"Suicide Virus Case."

"Ah—"

"At isa pa, huwag ka masyadong bulgar sa kung sino man ang lalandiin mo. Kung gusto mong mang-agaw ng boyfriend ng iba... ang una mong pwedeng gawin." Dumukwang siya at sumenyas na ilapit ko ang tainga ko, sumunod naman ako at bumulong siya.

"Baliw ka ba?!" Hindi ko napigilang sumigaw sa sinabi niya at ngayon nakita naming papalapit sa'ming dalawa yung librarian.

"Kayong dalawa!" Sigaw ng librarian at kaagad akong hinila ni Taisei.

"Dali! Bago tayo maabutan!" Nagpahila ako sa kanya at mabilis kaming nagtungo sa shelf area. Hawak-hawak niya ang kamay ko habang tumatakbo kami at tila nakikipaghabulan sa loob ng maze.

"Aba! At talagang gusto niyong ma-OSA kayong dalawa?!" Narinig naming sigaw nung librarian habang naririnig namin ang tunog ng takong nito.

Hinila ulit ako ni Taisei at nakasilip kami sa mga uwang ng shelf.

"Wala na 'ata." Hingal na hingal kami parehas at saka lang namin napagtanto kung ano ang nangyari. Hinampas ko siya.

"Kasalanan mo 'to!" Mahina pero nanggigil kong sabi sa kanya. "Ang bastos ng binulong mo!"

"Sshhh!!! Gusto mo bang ma-OSA tayo?" At saka siya tumawa, yung tawang walang tunog. Namumula siya sa sobrang tawa niya dahil sa kalokohang sinabi niya sa'kin.

At saka ko rin napagtanto na nakahawak siya sa'kin at kung gaano kalapit ang katawan namin sa isa't isa. Biglang nag-init ang pisngi ko. Sumeryoso siya bigla nang mapansin din na halos magdikit na kaming dalawa at saka siya pasimpleng lumayo at bumitaw.

Ngayon ko lang naramdaman ang ganito. Katulad ng naramdaman ko kanina, pero hindi galit, kundi isang kakaibang excitement. Ngayon lang nabuhay nang ganito ang dugo ko, isang mabugsong emosyon, negatibo man o positibo.

At least ngayon damang-dama ko na.

Ito ang buhay.