I tried weird meltdown thing in first person bec i need more practice
Im bad at first person fanfiction sorrh guys
Pls give feedback if u want :D
Tw for mental breakdown, depersonalisation, derealisation, gore, hostility and wanting to h@rm people/a person

....

Blurry sense of identity
I don't know who I am
Everything feels wrong to do. Am I supposed to talk, am I supposed to eat like this, am I supposed to move around like this? Am I not?
Who am I?
Am I anyone at all?
My throat is tight. Its burning. Its uncomfortable. I hate it.
Headache.
My head hurts. Its near the front of my head. A headache. Not a spider. Not an ant. Why would I think it would be a spider or an ant? My brain is fried. This brain is fried.
My voice is too wrong. Too light. Too everything. Its awful. Stop it. Why is this voice like this? Its not my voice. Nothing is mine. I'm not in my own body and my throat is tight and everything is loud and I hate it I hate it I hate it.
These hands aren't my own. This seems like some sort of dream. I seem like I'm real and this area surrounding me isn't real.
Are these my friends?
Are these people I know?
I know who they are and yet I know nothing about them at all. their names and their ages, sure, but everything else seems too personal and not mine to know. Like i know the basics of their being but not the inward clockwork of their soul.
Who am i? Am I even someone at all?
Headaches. Sickness. I feel ill. My head hurts. I hate this. It feels like I should cry or vomit my guts out.
I don't like myself. I don't like you. I don't like anyone.
Everything hurts.
Don't ask me questions. Im not the one you should be saying that too.
Its like im him but like im not
I want to scratch my skin. Rip it apart to get whatever is making me feel this out of me. I want get it out. My ears burn. Everything is too hot and warm and I hate it
Its too hot. Its too warm. I hate it. Stop it. I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it.
I want me gone. I want this world gone. Come back. Come back and take my place. Someone, please come back. I cant deal with this. I hate it. I hate this. Its disgusting and makes my head hurt and I hate hurting and I hate this and I hate everything please can I go away now? I want to go away now
I don't care if im [blank] or if im someone else or if im no one at all
I don't care.  I don't care. It hurts. My fingers aren't my own and now the visuals are different to the audio. Is this real? I don't know. Everything seems too colour. Too blue. Too brown to anything. Are these my hands? My fingers? My body? No. the colour is weird. This isn't the colour im used to. I hate this. I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this

That choking feeling is back
I hate that feeling
I hate it I hate it I hate it

Small but big
Too many lines
Not my handwriting. Who is this?
Skin is weird
The white is too white. The blue is too blue
Hands are too chubby. Too young. Too boney. I can see the veins.
I don't know what is wrong, just that it is wrong
I can't see the board
Why can't I see the board? My vision is blurry
Colours. Too much

People make really annoying sounds. They make my head hurt. One of these sounds are a constant moaning sound, like they're a toddler and just learning how to speak – anther, more vie one, is a mocking sound. They are babies, immature children, and they make my blood boil whenever they open their mouth.\
This one girl thinks its funny to pretend as if she's new to the school, when she's not. She makes jokes about her having mental illness just to get out of work and gain spumante, and I can see my blood boil at the mere sight of her
I hate everyone, and I hope they hate me back, because then I will finally let this overflowing, repressed anger flow out of me as blood and broken bones.
They have their feet off the desk, they have their phone out, they are the worst of humanity and when will they fucking grow up? When will they learn they are annoying pieces of shit? When will they learn that what they say is vile and harmful, and that the only ones who find them funny are people who are too dumb to realise that what they're saying isn't funny?
They go on their phones and call it they're "calculator", they disrespect the teacher, they talk back to the teacher, my head hurts, I want them to learn that no one does that and that they are spoiled and selfish and babies and fucking pathetic. They are less than the dirt underneath my shoe. I hate them.

I want to rip their tongues off and I want to throw a chair at them and I want them to shut up I want to shove a chair into their mouth until their jaw breaks and their teeth crush into their throat want to bash their head into the table shut up shut up SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP—
I can pretend and I can wear this mask that says I am ritsu but I am not because ritsu is long gone yet he is right here and ow my head hurts is this what anger does to someone? Does it create them so vile and so cruel and so very unkind to the point of pain and hurt? Is this an alter trying to take front, is it ritsu or rex trying to pull me out of this world, or is it simply just a headache powered more by the hatred which runs through my veins like venom?
I don't care I am angry and I want to hurt
Shut up shut up shut the fuck up you childish fucker I hate you I hate you I HATE YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GO SHOVE YOUR HEAD FURTHER UP YOUR FUCKING ASS FUCK OFF
IM DONE WITH THIS ABUSE. YOU AND ME. JUST STOP TOURCHERING ME, GIVE IT A BREAK, ISN'T MY INTERNAL CRYING ENOGH TO MAKE YOU STOP!!!!????? Just give up your king bitch don't make me suffer it was all you, always you. Around the corner IT WAS YOU. Just stop don't see me cry out in pain and frustration. Is it so hard to see me win? DIE DEMON OF THE CHESS BOARD BURN IN THE ENTERNAL FIRES OF HELL.

1203 words