Chapter 4 #jttwbs

My chest was heavy after class. Oo nga at ako naman talaga ang pumayag. Na wala naman ang mga boto nila kung hindi ako nahiyang humindi.

But sad to say, there was an on-going competition between contentment and disturbance within me. Kuntento ako para sa mga kaklase, hindi naman mapakali para sa sarili.

I walked to where our service was with sagged shoulders. Naabutan kong vini-video-han ni Hadya ang sarili. Sigurado akong malapit na ang oras na cadets naman ang bubungad sa amin sa gate. It must be the last string of her freedom.

We waited for the multicab to be filled before it sent us to our houses. Hindi pa naman madilim pagkauwi ko. Hapon lang naman kasi ang uwian namin.

Just when I threw my uniform in the hamper, my cellphone notified me about a video chat from Camara. Nasa kama ito kaya sinagot ko bago ako kumuha ng pambahay na pamalit.

"Huy!— Oh, hello there, kisame! Looking good, huh!" I heard her giggle. Iyon ang kita niya malamang dahil nakatihaya sa kama ang cellphone ko.

Minadali kong magsuot ng damit bago tumalon sa kama at dinampot ang cellphone. Camara was obviously not holding her cellphone. It must be leaning against an object and the lens was directed to her spot.

Her face brightened when I finally showed up on the screen. Napangiti pa siya at kumaway saglit.

"Kauwi mo lang?" she asked, sipping on her fruit shake right after.

Umiling ako, tulala sa pagkaaliwalas ng kaniyang mukha. I noticed that her hair was also dyed back into black. Gone were the brown highlights she had last vacation. It was a good thing or else, she'd be shoved into the guidance office.

"Nope," sinamahan ko na ng boses ang iling. "Medyo kanina pa. Why call?"

"You're the muse? Ini-status ng secretary 'yung list sa FB group natin."

Pansin kong nakaupo siya sa malawak nilang terasa. Hindi iyon tulad sa amin na kaunting espasyo at ilang hakbang lang ang magagawa mula sa pintuan ng kuwarto ko.

Camara's newly done hair was being swayed by the afternoon wind. It added more drama to the beauty she was presenting. Her backdrop was the native tree planted at their wide terrace and behind it was the sky that never leaves.

Lahat ng kita ko ay gawa Niya. Sabi nila, wala raw kasi talaga Siyang ginawa na hindi maganda.

"Oo..." I confirmed. "Ako nga 'yung muse."

Her perfectly shaved thick eyebrow shot up in doubts. "Gusto mo? Kasi knowing you..."

"Not really." Bumuntong hininga ako. "Ini-nominate lang ako ni Luis tapos sinuportahan siya ng iba. But it's okay."

Her eyebrow rose higher. "How come it's okay if you don't like it, Eri?" tanong niya, tumaas ang boses.

"Hayaan mo na 'yon."

"Wait... Did the class team up on you? Tell me honestly, Erisette. Isumbong natin kina Kuya! Walang binatbat ang mga 'yan, tingnan mo!"

"Ano ka ba, h'wag mo na nga sabihin sa kanila," I stopped her in a panicky manner. "Okay nga lang, Rara, okay lang."

Her eyes narrowed. "You sure?"

Tumango ako.

Isa pa, nakakahiya kung sakali kay Ma'am Ruez. Ano'ng iisipin niya kung bigla kong babawiin kahit umo-o ako noong araw na 'yon? Anyway, it would just boil down to my lack of nerve to turn them down.

Nanliliit pa rin ang mga mata ni Camara sa akin ngunit nasaksikan ko ang unti-unting pagsuko niya. Her eyes eventually went back to normal.

"Nag-seating arrangement? Sino'ng katabi ko?"

My forehead creased as I tried to remember. "Sorry, 'di ko na napansin. Pero sure naman akong sa harapan ka. Centenario, eh."

"Baka 'yung mga katabi ko lang din last school year. Kasawa!"

Saglit pa akong kinuwentuhan ni Camara tungkol kay Theo. She was like evaluating her suitor with me. But I sensed something odd with the way she talked about him.

Parang may kakaiba.

"Psst! Eri!"

Lunes, katatapos lang ng flag ceremony at kauupo ko lang sa upuan ko. Nagtataka akong tumayo at may litong lumapit sa kaklaseng nanitsit sa unahan. I couldn't form any possible theories. Baka naman... uutusan ako nito?

"May naghahanap sa'yo. H'wag mo raw isasama si Camara," sabi nito at inginuso ang labas. Iniwan niya rin ako agad.

Nalilito naman akong sumilip sa labas at lalaki ang nakita ko. My eyebrows slowly creased. I don't know his name, though he's somewhat familiar to me. Malamang dahil schoolmate.

Contrary to how I believed that our campus is small for us to know each other... Ah! Ako nga pala ay isang halimbawa. Right! Everyone doesn't know everyone. Iyong mga matunog lang na pangalan ng schoolmate ang talagang kilala.

Iyong iba, sa tulong lang ng familiarization. It's the effect of being the holders of a loyalty award for having been a student of the campus since then. If you studied here as early as pre-school or grade school.

I doubt that the students I cross paths with on hallways every single day are aware of my name. Siguro ay pamilyar lang din ako sa kanila bilang kaibigan nina Camara.

I held on the door frame. "Uh... Hanap mo raw ako?"

He just gripped on my wrist. He pulled me completely out of our classroom. I was stunned. Sa tapat pa rin naman kami tumigil, kaso bakit mukha naman kaming may tinataguan nito? Saka kung makahila siya sa'kin! Sino ba siya?

"Hey. How do I get Camara to say yes?" he asked kindly. No beating around the bush too. "Puwede mo ba akong tulungan sa kaibigan mo, Eri?"

"Huh? Ikaw ang manliligaw ni Rara?" Did Theo evolve or something?

His eyebrows almost met. "Yeah?"

"A-Ah," sagot ko na lang.

Habang normal lang naman sa mga babae ang magkaroon ng magkasabay na manliligaw, iba si Camara. She settles to only one suitor since most of the time, she already likes the guy and she just wants to get to know him better rather than having many to compete for her heart.

So... basted na si Theo.

"H-How to get her to say yes ba, tanong mo?"

He nodded.

"Just..." I trailed off. Nag-isip ako nang malalim. Sa dinami-rami kasi ng nanligaw kay Camara, dalawa lang ang ex-boyfriend niya.

Hindi rin naman ito ang unang beses na may nagpatulong sa akin. Pero hindi ko rin talaga kasi alam kung paano nila mabibingwit ang 'Oo' ng kaibigan ko. Based on observation, Camara has an inconsistent qualifications for a boyfriend!

A sound of a pencil being sharpened out of nowhere delayed my train of thoughts. Mahina lang naman ngunit agaw-pansin.

Nasa likuran ko pala ang trash bin. Tahimik at seryosong nagtatasa ng lapis si Fern. Salo ng trash bin ang tasa ng lapis nito.

"Hoy, Velicaria, chismoso ka," anang bagong manliligaw ni Camara.

Fern looked at him and raised an eyebrow. "Oh? Kwento mo sa basurahan," asar nito, nangingisi.

Camara's suitor chuckled. "Tss. Ang yabang talaga nito."

Fern scowled as he looked back at his business to continue it. "Anong yabang naman? Nagtatasa lang ako rito."

"Teka, sandali nga. Para saan ba ang lapis, Fern? May gagawin agad? May teacher na ba tayo?"

Itinigil ni Fern ang ginagawa at tinaktak ang pangtasa upang matapon ang pencil shavings. They seemed to dance in the air before completely dropping inside the trash bin.

"Wala. Nagdo-drawing lang kami nina Keno," Fern answered without looking at any of us. Tumalikod na siya at lumakad pabalik sa classroom nila na katabi lang ng amin.

"So... Eri?" the guy called, trying to get my attention.

"Ah, uhm... Actually, I'm not sure about what you should do exactly. Napansin ko lang sa dalawang ex niya, hindi sila seloso saka hindi masyadong marami ang ibinabawal."

He listened attentively. No doubt that he's really eager to know these things. In other words, he's eager to get Camara.

I wonder how does that feel, though? Na may taong gustong-gustong ka at gagawin ang lahat para makuha ka? Magpapatulong pa sa kaibigan mo kasi ganoon ka kagusto. Taga-tulong kasi ako lagi.

Kahit ayoko ng atensiyon, may mga oras na dumadalaw sa isip kong natatamasa ko iyon. And if anything... this attention is way different from the fearing kind that I always dodge. Dahil iba ang epekto na nadadala nito sa tao. I'm curious sometimes, but that stops there. Kasi alam kong imposible.

"Ayan lang ang masasabi ko."

Tumango-tango ito. "It's already a big help. Salamat, Eri."

Hilaw akong ngumiti. Nagpaalam siyang babalik na sa classroom nila kaya tinanaw ko siya hanggang makapasok. I shrugged my shoulders and went back inside our classroom too.

"Where were you?" tanong ni Camara nang bumalik ako sa classroom. Sinalubong niya ako.

"Ah. CR lang, Rara."

"Oh, okay," she replied, nodding. "Pero ba't 'di mo ko sinama? Dapat with the best friend lagi kapag CR break!"

Hindi kami magkatabi sa upuan kaya nilagpasan ko na siya matapos iling-ilingan at dumiretso sa likod.

Luis wasn't in his chair because he was creating noise with his friends in front. Si Caelan naman ay nakahilig sa desk. Kaming tatlo na lang ang natira sa huling hilera ng mga silya. Si Caelan na kasi ang nasa dulo ng class record.

Nakababagot nga sa row namin. But even if we have other seatmates here, I still don't have the skills and even an inch of guts to befriend or to just socialize at that. I don't even converse with Luis and Caelan unless they talk to me or if a seatwork requires me to.

Si Luis lang ang palagi akong kinakausap upang mang-insulto na idinadaan niya sa pabirong asal.

Pero mas ayos na ito kaysa naman iyong hindi ko kaklase si Camara. Kapag break naman o walang teacher, magkasama kaming dalawa. I just have to endure being a third wheel since she never ran out of suitor. I got used to it.

Not soon after, our first subject teacher arrived. She was harsh in removing our minds from the serene state that the vacation had given us. I could hear everyone's muted groans because I did the same.

Boring na lalo. Kaso kailan nga ba hindi naging boring ang klase? Siguro kapag kasundo ng section ang guro. Puro biruan sa gitna ng diskusyon kaya hindi makabisita ang antok.

The mundane school days slipped away until it was already the middle of the week.

"Dapat talaga inagahan mo! You should've enrolled when I enrolled!"

"Oo nga, eh," I exhaled. Eh, sa sino ba kasi ang walang gana nga mag-aral tapos maagang mag-e-enroll?

Mga libro ko ang una naming inasikaso umagang-umaga kaso wala pa rin daw stocks. Pinaulanan ulit ako ng sorry ng admin clerk sa office. Sana makakuha na ako bago matapos ang linggo.

Nahihiya na kasi akong makihati kay Caelan sa klase. Siya naman ang nag-aalok at mahirap tumanggi lalo na't kailangan talaga. Pakiramdam ko lang... eh, ang laki kong abala lagi.

After reaching the classroom, Camara just left her bag on her desk and she walked abreast me towards the back. Parehong wala si Luis at Caelan ngunit nakita ko naman ang mga bag sa upuan kaya masasabi kong hindi sila absent.

Si Camara muna ang umupo sa upuan ni Luis. Even if we don't talk as long as we're side by side, it already soothes me. Camara's existence is a comfort zone personified.

"Eri!"

Napalingon ako kay Luis na papalapit at malaki ang ngisi.

"Oh?"

"Dikit mo raw 'to!" Ipinakita niya ang may kalakihang papel. Or by the looks of it, a cartolina that underwent cutting.

"Ano 'yan? Saka saan ko ididikit?"

"Class officers." His grin broadened. Inilapag niya sa desk ko. "Ayan ka sa muse. Iova Erisette Veraño," he read my name, trailing his finger on my full name.

Nakita ko nga ang colored paper cut-outs na bumuo ng 'Class Officers'. Printed at ginupit naman ang sa pangalan ng mga officers. May borders lang din na colored paper at kung ano-ano pang designs. It must be the secretary who exerted these efforts.

"Hoy, Luis. Pinagti-trip-an mo si Eri!"

Namilog ang mga mata ni Luis kay Camara. "Hey! 'Di, ah! Genuine nomination 'yon!"

His reply drowned me in the ocean of doubt, just as his nomination drowned me in a responsibility I didn't want. Pero nandito na ako. Pumayag rin ako. I feel like I shouldn't put all the blame on Luis.

"Kung maka-react nga 'yan nung election, akala mo buong bansa na ang ire-represent niya, e," he added laughingly. "OA! Papayag din naman pala!"

Buong bansa? Siya 'tong OA!

"Kung ayaw ng tao, h'wag n'yong pilitin!" Camara argued to the one who owned the chair she occupied.

"She agreed, Camara..." humina na ang boses ni Luis dahil sa inis ni Camara.

"Because you guys pressured her, I know! You are all so... ugh!"

"Akin na nga, ididikit ko na," singit ko para awatin na ang pagtatalo ng dalawa. "Pins, Luis, nasa'n?"

Luis also handed me the push pins in assorted color. Nagpatulong ako kay Camara tungkol sa pagkakapantay ng puwesto sa likod. Nang pantay na, tinusok ko na ang push pins sa malaking cork board.

Camara and I went to the canteen on recess to buy our snacks. We met with her new suitor named Jiro at the entrance. Siya iyong humingi ng tulong sa akin nitong nakaraan. Siya na nga ang bagong napupusuan ng kaibigan ko.

Nakasalubong pa namin si Theo na hindi man lang tumingin kahit halatang alam niya na kami iyon. Parang hindi lunod kung makatitig kay Camara nitong nakaraan lang. Maybe they didn't end up on good terms.

Camara and Jiro decided to meander through the campus hallways while eating their recess snacks. Nadamay ako dahil kasama nila ako. Inirapan pa ako ni Camara nang humirit ako.

"School 'to, hindi park!"

"Eri, kapag ikaw nagka-lovelife, magagawa mo ring park ang school."

My laughs faded. Malabo yata 'yon. Na magkakaroon ako ng lovelife. I don't have any suitor. I didn't even have.

Camara leaned closer to me, leaving Jiro behind her. "Or more intense, baka hindi lang park. Hotel room na rin," she whispered.

My eyes dilated then I pushed her forehead away with my forefinger. Sumabog ang mga tawa niya nang nagpatulak. Nahawa naman ako at napatawa na rin habang naiiling.

Ang tindi talaga ng mga kayang gumawa ng milagro sa Catholic school! I can't imagine switching tongues in front of Mama Mary's holy statue! I can't stomach going sexual with the presence of the holy spirit in the entire campus!

Itinulak ko sila paalis habang nagtatawanan kami. "Umalis na nga kayo! Ako, babalik na lang ako sa room."

There was still a my smile on my lips when I entered our classroom. Nawalan ako ng bakas ng ngiti nang mapansin na kaunti lang ang tao sa loob.

Others were surely spending the short break outside. Grupo nina Ashtine, grupo nina Trina, at grupo nina Caelan lang ang nandito. Nandito rin ang mga kaibigan nina Caelan mula sa kabilang section.

Nasa unahan at gitna sila nakakumpol kada grupo kaya tahimik naman sa likod. But their voices were boisterous, so the classroom wasn't absolutely quiet.

I walked towards my chair at the back, cautious not to make any sound so I won't snatch any attention. Bumuntong hininga agad ako pagkasalampak ko sa aking upuan. I had no choice but to stare at nothingness.

Nakinig pa nga ako sa mga usapan ng mga narito. I decided to just rest my head on the desk after realizing that I get nothing from listening to them.

Payuko pa lang ako nang maaninag ko ang mahahabang binti na humakbang tungo rito sa likod. I lifted my gaze because of my excessive curiosity.

Si Fern ang namataan ko. Sa aisle ng row bago ang amin siya pumasok ngunit tumigil siya sa upuang katapat ng akin. Hinilig niya ang mga kamay sa dalawang desk doon kaya bahagya siyang nakatungo.

He looked at me intently. "Pumayag ka?"

Napaangat ako ng tingin at tinagpo ang kaniyang mga mata nang magtanong siya tungkol sa bagay na hindi ko mahulaan.

"Pumayag... saan?" I asked, clueless.

Matagal din bago niya nakalas ang titig sa akin. Tumingin siya sa bandang likuran ko at may inginuso roon. He brought his unreadable eyes back to me again.

I followed where that led me and I was welcomed by the list of class officers. Sinulit ko muna ang ilang segundong pagtitig sa magarbong listahan ngunit wala akong nakitang sagot.

Last second when... I thought, was he pertaining to me being the muse? Ano, 'yan na naman? Ayaw niya talagang ibigay sa akin, 'no? Hindi talaga bagay sa akin na hindi siya matatahimik hangga't hindi ako mapatalsik?!

"Oo. Pumayag ako. Bakit?" nagtapang-tapangan kong sagot. He was talking to me again. I couldn't believe it.

Nothing changed in his face, but his gaze remained. His expression was almost next to blank. Parang naninimbang bigla ang klase ng tingin na ipinupukol niya sa akin.

"Why? You don't want it," deklara niya, sigurado.

My eyebrows quivered in surprise. Hindi ako agad nakaisip ng isasagot. Iniligtas niya ako nang magsalita siya ulit.

"Nasa baba ako no'n... sa tapat mo. Kitang-kita ko na ayaw mo. So, why accept it?"

Hindi ko ipinahalata ang gulat ko. Is he just a keen observer or did I fail in hiding my terrors that moment? Most important of all, where are we heading to with this conversation?

"No'ng una, hindi nga... Pero nagustuhan ko rin naman," I lied. For the sake of ending an argument before it even commence.

Fern just stared at me. He was absolutely enigmatic right there which was confusing me. Lalo na nang tumuwid na siya ng tayo at iniwan ako nang walang kahit anong sinabi.

Though, he replied nonverbally.

I agreed to avoid seeing my highly expecting classmates disappointed. That is all there is to it. Pero bago siya umalis, nakita ko sa mukha niya ang mismong iniwasan kong makita sa mukha ng mga kaklase ko.