Chapter 38 #jttwbs

"Sa resort, I knew that you still love him just by the way you looked at him."

Napakagat ako sa ibabang labi. I didn't know I gave that away easily. Iyong girlfriend pa talaga ang nakapansin. Freaking hell, Erisette.

"Fret not," Ingrid said upon noticing my reaction. "I can't blame you. Ako nga, e... Since I was eight years old."

Itinikom ko lang ang bibig ko nang inilingan at tawanan niya ang sarili. Makalipas ang ilang sandali, nauwi siya sa buntong hininga.

"I appreciate that you didn't act on it. And that even if you were right there in front of him, he didn't betray me. Maybe stepped on the line somehow? Pero wala na sa'kin 'yon. Malinaw naman ang mga kasunduan namin mula umpisa. I was just the so-called girlfriend. I know that. I always had... Kasi wala. Ganito talaga. No matter how unfair it is, unrequited love exists. It must be enough that at least, he was once mine.

And I'm so over this. I'm so over him. 'Di ko namalayang moving on na ako kahit so-called kami pa. Kaya sinabi ko kay Fern na hindi ka naman ata engaged or married... He said he'll confirm, that's why he followed you here. Nagkasundo ulit kami na kapag tama ngang libre ka pa, alam na namin ang mangyayari."

"Nabanggit niya rin 'yan..."

She curtly jerked her chin. "It will be over for us. Hiling ko lang, sabihan niya ako, in which he did. So... yes, we're over."

Nagkatitigan kaming dalawa. But it was rather harmless, neither sharp nor provocative unlike moments ago before the unfolding of truths.

"That's it," she breathed out after a jiffy. "Our boring love story. Baka kasi hindi sapat sa'yo na version niya lang ang marinig. I'm here so we can get this over with and move on with our lives."

I nodded my head. "Nakapagpaliwanag na nga rin siya. Pero salamat din sa'yo. I didn't expect you to come here for this."

Pinaningkitan niya ako ng mga mata. "I don't owe you anything now. I've done my part and what I could to make things better for the both of you."

I nodded again with a sincere curl on my lips. "Hindi mo naman 'to kinailangan gawin, tapos nandito ka. Thank you. Really."

Kumunot ang noo ko dahil tinitigan niya lang ako pagkatapos ng sinabi ko. May bigat sa titig na ipinapataw niya at nabigatan ako roon.

"I'm sorry. Maybe I didn't really get him fairly. Maybe I used some trick."

"Ano'ng ibig mong sabihin?

"Maybe I was the reason why you had to live here. Away from our hometown. Away from Fern. Five years ago."

"H-Huh?"

She released a regretful sigh, the sound of her breath whispered that if she could only bring back the time, she would.

"Your mother loved me that much to give me everything I wanted and to make everything easy for me. Alam niyang gusto ko si Fern."

Napalunok na ako bago ko pa naisip ang lumunok. I slowly shook my head, adamant to stand with what I believed in. That... certainly couldn't be.

"H-Hindi. It was about s-something else.

Ingrid just held my gaze apologetically. "I'm sorry," she just said, which didn't abate the constricting in my chest.

That couldn't be the reason. I know what was my mother's reason for kicking me out. Even though it shattered my world, I compromised because I completely understood her situation. Kaya hindi! Baka mali lang si Ingrid!

"Hindi ako mabait, Erisette. In fact, I hate you for ruining my childhood fantasies. So, I hope that I don't ever get to see your face again."

Hindi ko halos naintindihan ang sinabi ni Ingrid dahil nakulong pa ako sa iniisip ko tungkol kay Mommy. Her soft glare and the suddenly freezing ambiance was what made it dawn on me.

She sighed softly and as if habitually, she flattened her clothes' fabric on her lap in preparation to stand. Nahawa ako sa kanya at napaayos na rin ako ng sarili ko.

"Maybe that's why I did this. Makabawi kahit papa'no. 'Tsaka kasi..." Lumalim bigla ang mga mata niya na parang may naisip. "Pangit ang pag-ibig kapag dinaya."

Nagkatinginan kami. Hindi ko alam ang isasagot ko. My mind's occupied with something else, something that I want to voice out.

"Tell him ako na'ng bahala kay Dad, sa Mommy mo, at sa ibang nag-aabang ng kasal namin. But," she rolled her eyes, "since he's Fern, alam kong ipipilit niya na sumamang harapin ang mga taong 'yon. My god, whatever."

She towered over me as soon as she stood. Nanatili akong nakaupo at pinagmasdan siyang kunin ang cream colored na Kate Spade. Dadamputin niya na rin sana ang cellphone nang natigilan siya at napatingin sa daliri.

"Pakisabi rin, akin na 'to. Binili niya para sa'kin kaya hindi ko ibabalik." Napairap siya sa sarili. "Though, I know he bought this just because he felt responsible as my so-called fiance... This is mine. Fine with you?"

"Fine with me," sagot ko. That ring is only her's.

Ipinagpatuloy niya na ang pag-abot sana sa cellphone kaso nagsalita ulit ako. I couldn't resist voicing out this something else.

"Are we just going to ignore how your father and our mother manipulated him? Dahil sa utang na loob," malakas ang loob na sinabi ko. My voice was impassive as I couldn't accept what I voiced out.

Her fingertips weren't able to touch her cellphone even if they were already close. Napatayo ulit siya nang tuwid at binabaan ako ng tingin sa sofa.2

"And I let it happen for my own gain. My love for him won't ever justify it. I'm sorry."

Nagngalit ang ngipin ko kaya halos manginig ang boses nang sumagot, "All of you... took advantage of him at his weakest. Sa kanya ka dapat humingi ng tawad."

She showed me a single nod. "Nagawa ko na."

Hindi naman nagbago ang ekspresyon na nakapaskil sa mukha ko. Saglit kaming nagkatitigan ni Ingrid bago sumabog ang ringtone mula sa cellphone niyang nasa center table.

My eyes flickered to it along with hers out of reflex. Iniwas ko naman nang mabilis ang tingin ko kaso nabasa ko nang 'Cae-Cae' ang ngalan ng tumatawag.

Ingrid picked up her cellphone with eyes on me. "Alis na 'ko. Thanks for hearing out what I had to explain. Sana... h'wag na kayong magsayang ng oras na dalawa."

Matipid lang akong tumango at tumayo upang ihatid siya sa labas. She already answered the call as I tailed after her when she exited the house.

"Oo, we're done talking... Yeah, thanks for the help about the address. Buti at naalala mong kababata at friend mo rin ako... Tss. Kung ilihim kasi niyang kaibigan mo ang lugar, as if namang sasabunutan ko or what..."

Ingrid and I simultaneously stopped on our tracks when Fern stepped in our front yard without reservation since the gates were widely open. Hindi ko yata ini-lock kanina!

"Rikit?" aniya, at agad na dumapo sa akin ang nag-aalalang mga mata.

"O.A. mo," Ingrid complained, and I could visualize an eye-roll from behind her. "Fern, I have long nails but it's definitely not for clawing women. P'wede ba."

"Okay lang ako," nagsalita ako. Kasi hindi nagbago ang mukha ni Fern kahit narinig ang sinabi ni Ingrid.

"See," Ingrid huffed. Inis niyang ipinasok sa bag ang cellphone dahil mukhang natapos na ang tawag. "Anyway, aalis naman na 'ko."

"Hindi naman sa gano'n," tanggi ni Fern, nakay Ingrid ang mga mata. "I know you're not like that. Baka lang kasi naguguluhan na si Eri."

"Shut up. I bet, mas malinaw pa akong nagpaliwanag sa'yo," Ingrid replied in a snarky mode.

She then paraded her way towards the gate, making Fern step aside to provide a way for what appeared to be like a royal persona. Pinanood naman ni Fern kung paano siya nilagpasan ni Ingrid.

"Sa'n ka? Hatid ka na namin," he offered.

It was right after Ingrid set foot outside the gate. She craned her neck to see us again then she shook her head.

"Hindi na. I borrowed a car from a cousin here."

Hindi na lumaban si Fern dahil kitang-kita rin naman ang sasakyan sa tapat namin. I padded towards where he was situated, near the gate, and both of us watched his ex-woman depart.

Immediately, the sound of Ingrid's engine already faded as soon as the rear was hidden from our sight. Kahit ganoon, nanatili kaming nakatanaw ni Fern nang diretso sa... kawalan.

Pinutol ko ang animo panonood namin ng interesanteng dula-dulaan sa kalye sa isang matunog na buga ng hininga. Ibinaling ko ang tingin sa kanya at ganoon na lang ang gulat ko nang nagtagpo rin agad ang mga mata namin.

It seemed to me that he had been waiting for the rendezvous of our gazes. Katulad dati.

"Pa'no si Ingrid?" I asked, my voice was faint.

Kumunot ang noo niya sa pagtataka. "Akala ko nag-usap na kayo—"

"Oo. Pero tinatanong kita. Pa'no si Ingrid?"

Natameme siya noong una tila tinatantya ako at iniisip mabuti kung ano'ng gusto kong marinig. In all honesty, I couldn't specify what I wanted to hear as well. Because what I only know is that I need to ask him that for the final sentence of this certain passage.

"She'll be fine," aniya, ihinarap ang buong katawan sa akin habang nakatagilid ako. "Kasi alam niya na 'yon kahit noon."

"Alin."

"Na sa buhay na 'to, sa'yo lang ako. Mula noon, hanggang ngayon." Saglit siyang huminto animo binigyan ako ng oras na intindihin ang narinig. "Wala naman akong ibang babae. Wala akong ibang babae."

I held my breath in secret. Hindi nga lang ako tiwala na hindi niya ito pansin diyan sa ganiyang titig niya ba naman. Itinaas ko na lang nang kaunti ang noo ko upang isalba ang dignidad.

"Nagka-girlfriend ka na noong high school. Dalawa, 'di ba? Si Ingrid, naging girlfriend at fiancée mo. I think counted sila as naging ibang babae mo."

But he just smiled, unaffected by my attempt to vindicate my stand. "Wala akong ibang babae," inulit niya lang.

Makahulugan ang pagkakasabi niya at sa haba ng depensa ko, sapat na ang apat na salitang iyon upang talunin ako. I couldn't understand how I totally got his point on that. But I do.

Napapikit ako nang mabilis at napapaling ng buong katawan sa kanya kaya naging magkaharap na kami.

"Bakit ba ginagawa mo pa 'to? Okay, sige. Naintindihan ko na lahat ng nangyari in the past, thank you for your explanations. But the future? Full blur to me. Kaya bakit, Fern?"

Halos putulin niya ako sa mabilis niyang pagsingit.

"Kasi mahal kita."

My lips that were ajar from the speech I voiced arduously, they turned into a freezing flesh with my entire physique as what I heard blew my soul away completely.

Sure, it was implied from the previous conversations that we had. Pero ayokong umasa sa hindi naman talaga sinabi kaya hindi ko pinaunlakan ang ideya. But now, my ears can vouch. I, myself, can vouch.

Parang may mahikang halik na pupuksa sa sumpa, bumalik ang kaluluwa ko nang sugurin niya ako ng yakap. It didn't start with a loose kind that would slowly tighten. It was a tight embrace from the very beginning.

"Mahal pa rin kita," he breathily confessed, accompanied by the feel of his heartbeats because my cheek was flat on that side of his chest.

Unti-unti kong inangat ang mga kamay ko para yakapin siya sa baywang. I already did it before I even realized.

"Ikaw ba, mahal mo pa rin ako?" he asked softly.

Hindi ako sumagot. My eyes were calmly shut as I just basked in his warmth enveloping the entirety of me, even those parts that his skin couldn't touch.

"'Di bale, sinabi naman na ng Tita Julie mo... you still love the person who gave you your favorite handkerchief," he mumbled and I could almost hear his smirk!

Napadilat ako ngunit hindi gumalaw. But in my head, I was already screaming Tita Julie's name like a madman in a haunted house while she was hiding from me for her safety!

Ilang sandali, kinalas ko ang sarili sa kanya nang hindi tumitingin. Dumiretso ako sa bahay at humahalakhak siya nang sumunod. Pero hinarap ko siya nang nakataas ang kilay kaya tahimik na lumabas siya ng gate.

But I won't deny that it's as though a genesis of something again. Iniba lang, isang dekada ang agwat ng edad namin ngayon sa noon. Matagal na rin talaga, huh...

"Nasa'yo pa rin ang panyo ko. But how about the eighteen ferns? Seventeen, technically."

He asked that one day that he's in our house, because since... it's almost always that we're together. It's only a week after, though.

Napalunok ako at napaiwas ng tingin. Magkasalubong pa ang mga kilay niya nang nagtanong. I hoped I was able to cower before he shot that question but it's too late.

Baka kasi magtampo siya kaso... ayaw ko naman magsinungaling.

"Well... ang tagal na rin. There are things that we, you know, can't keep track. Lalo na kapag literal na malilit such as... well... leaves..."

Huminto ako nang napansing sumama na ang tingin niya sa akin.

"Nawala mo?"

"Fine. Sorry. Hindi ko na talaga alam nasaan. Palipat-lipat din kasi kami ng tirahan dati tapos mahilig mag-general cleaning si Tita Julie," I explained, my lips uncontrollably jutting out. "Saka lanta na rin naman 'yun, 'no!"

"Tapos? Ano ngayon? Lanta na kaya hahayaan mo nang mawala?"

Namilog ang mga mata ko. He's upset! I thought so!

Matunog ang dismayado niyang buntong hininga. "Hayaan mo na. Nandito na naman ako. I'm the eighteenth fern, if you remember. I'm the last fern standing, kaya ingatan mo na."

Rinig na rinig ko ang sama ng loob sa kanyang boses.

"Fern, I'm really sorry—"

"Eri, ang likot naman ng ulo mo! Ano ba talaga, gusto mong buhok mo ang unatin ko nitong plantsa o kayo ni Fern? Gigil n'yo ko!"

"Ay, sorry," sabi ko at inayos ang pagkakaupo habang pinaplantsa ni June ang buhok ko.

Because Fern asked me out on a date yesterday. June seemed to be oozing more excitement than me, she offered to help me prepare myself. Pero mas excited yata si Fern na hindi pa ako nakaliligo kanina, nandito na.

"Oh, tumatawag si Kiel sa'yo!" si June na nakakita ng nanginginig na cellphone ko sa center table.

I eagerly grabbed it, considering the fact that I couldn't remember when was the last time we talked.

Sasagutin ko sana kung hindi lang narinig ang singhap ni Fern. I looked at him and saw that he was frowning profoundly. Kulang na lang, maging isa na ang mga kilay niyang makakapal!

I brought my attention back to the screen but I was too late because Kiel's name became tired flashing on my screen. Hindi na rin iyon nasundan.

Pagkabaling ko ulit kay Fern, sa cellphone ko siya nakatuon. Napatingin rin tuloy ako roon.

Slowly, the sun rose in my head and bestowed me enlightenment. Napatingin ulit ako sa kanya at ganoon pa rin ang disposisyon nito.

Nagtatampo ba 'to tungkol sa ferns? O nagseselos? Both?

Humalukipkip siya roon sa single sofa. Upong lalaki kaya nakabuklat ang mga hita. It was hard to miss the displeasure etched on his face, and add the fact that he didn't try to hide it.

"Fern. Paabot naman ng hair spray," sinubukan kong magpapansin. "Ayan," sabay turo ko.

His expression was strong when he eyed me. Inarkuhan niya ako ng isang kilay at tiningnan ang itinuro ko.

Actually, I can reach it if I extend my arm. Pero nagpapapansin nga ako, 'di ba?

I bit the inside of my right cheek as I watched him stare at the innocent hair spray. Maya-maya lang, huminga siya nang malalim at umamo ang mukha.

My eyebrows twitched and I glanced at the hair spray. It has some powers, huh?

His eyes languidly diverted to me, his face was an expression of a man surrendering. Gumalaw ang mga kilay ko dahil tinitigan niya lang ako. His eyes made me think he hankered to hit the sack at this moment but I was sure he didn't want that. Ang mga mata niya lang talaga.

I cleared my throat, blocking the stretch of the wordless exchange of stares.

"Paabot, please?"

Wala nang sinabi si Fern at inabot nga ang hair spray sa akin. Kinuha ko iyon at... hindi ko na alam ang gagawin!

Mahina namang sinapok ni June ang ulo ko. "Aan'hin mo 'yan? Hindi pa ako tapos dito, bakit nangunguna ka? Desisyon ka d'yan!"

I squeezed my lips close and dropped the item on my lap. Iniwasan ko ang dako ni Fern. Kailan kaya ako hindi ipahihiya ng mag-ina?!

"Nire-ready ko lang!"

I also evaded the embarrassment by picking up the square hand mirror on the table that was absolutely within my reach. Ch-in-eck ko ang sarili ko para lang may magawa ako.

My hair is not curly but it has a bit of volume that I try to eliminate whenever I iron it straight. I don't particularly dislike it. Gusto ko lang din maiba talaga minsan.

I rarely dislike things about myself nowadays. If anything, I appreciate a lot. That's my ultimate key, my remedy to extreme insecurities, to appreciate myself truly. And not just through words of declaration that I do.

"You stare at yourself in the mirror now?"

Napabaling ako kay Fern nang magsalita siya at unti-unti kong ibinaba ang salamin. Maliit akong ngumiti at iyon lang, hindi na sumagot.

Oo, Fern. Dahil nakikita ko na iyong ganda ko. Iyong ganda ko na tinutukoy mo noon.

Suminghap ako at natanaw ang cellphone ko sa table. It notified about the low battery status. I gasped inwardly. Nakalimutan kong i-charge kaya nairita tuloy ako sa sarili ko.

Dinampot ko iyon, lumingon upang hanapin ang charger at extension. Nakuha ko ang charger sa table habang ang isang extension ay malapit sa mga paa ni Fern. The hair iron, June's cellphone, and the fan were plugged into the extension near me.

P-in-lug ko ang charger sa cellphone ko at inabot kay Fern. "Fern. Pa-charge habang nag-aayos pa ako. I forgot to charge it... I can't go out if it's dead batt," aniko, halata sa boses ang iritasyon sa sarili.

Nakita ko ang dismaya ni Fern dahil tinuldukan ko agad ang paksang binuksan niya. But he didn't press further and eyed the extension I was referring to.

Tinitigan niya lang din muna ito. What is it again this time? Nakahalukipkip lang din ulit siya at parang matayog ang pride, ayaw gawin ang maayos na ipinakisuyo ko naman!

I was waiting for him so my eyes were naturally glued to him. I witnessed the mischief and the smile he was trying to suppress when he looked at me, still with his arms crossed.

"Why? You won't need that on our date. Sa akin lang dapat ang buo mong atensyon kaya hayaan mo na lang 'yan."

My eyebrow quirked. Hindi ko alam kung seryoso ang logic na iyon pero halatang nang-aasar din ang isang ito.

"That is still possible even with my cellphone charged. Please?" I moved my hand to gesture my cellphone I was handing him. "Baka kasi may emergency, lalo na sa airline. Baka biglang kailanganin ako."

The mischief that recently found shelter in his orbs backed out a little. Dahil naunawan siguro kaagad ang dahilan ko. But there was still a remnant of it in his eyes and it kind of bothered me but I chose to set aside.

Nakitaan ko na rin siya ng kompromiso sa mukha habang nakahalukipkip pa rin. Kung hindi lang siya humirit pa ulit.

"Kiss muna."