Chapter 32 #jttwbs

I didn't get to find out when exactly did they start dating.

But it was around two years ago when social media supplied me that sensational detail. Fern and I remained online friends but we were the type who had zero interactions, not even an emergence on each others' notifications.

Nalaman ko lang din ang tungkol sa kanila ilang sandali pagkatapos ko rin nagkaroon ng boyfriend noong nasa Manila ako.

"So, you're really back there, huh?"

Nangulubot ang noo ko sa boses ni Kiel na talo sa tunog ng blower ko. I stopped blowdrying my hair and switched it off since I was already satisfied.

"Ano?"

Nakita kong bumangon siya sa kama at naglakad nang hindi nawawala ang mukha sa screen. He's spending a layover in a Singapore hotel before their next flight.

"You're really getting him back now?" Nakita ko siyang tumungga sa bottled water bago nagtaas ng isang kilay sa akin. "Ang bilis mo talagang naka-move on sa break-up natin, a?"

Humagalpak ako. "It's been eleven months! Ikaw yata ang 'di maka-move on, Zarkiel?" I rode with him in the context of our inside joke.

Around two years ago, I did something very human. I committed a mistake that I still grimace at myself about it up to date.

Hindi naging madali ang Manila hindi dahil sa bagong salta ako roon. It was just because of the heavy baggages I brought along with me. It had been a year turned years and my wounds were still uncured.

Although I was aware healing won't take only overtime, I still tried to quicken the process regardless if it was through a mistake. I was desperate. Iyon ang klase ng sakit na magtutulak sa kahit sinong tao na gawin ang lahat upang makaahon.

Naging kami ni Kiel kasi pumayag siyang gamitin ko. He was there, the only one back then for that matter. And he cared. And he was willing.

I called it a mistake on my part because I knew that he didn't deserve that. Unfortunately, being a human equates the tendency of being selfish.

I just called it off with Kiel eleven months ago when I brought myself into my senses at last. Kasi para namang hindi ako natuto sa hindi ko sadyang nagawa kay Fern kung ganoon.

I shouldn't depend my betterment on other people, let alone be dependent on other people's help. I should do it on my own.

Mas maigi nang maging mag-isa habang hindi ako ayos, kaysa naman ang pumasok sa relasyon kasama ang isang tao na parehong masisira ko lang sa huli. Pati ang sarili ko.

Like what I unintentionally did to what Fern and I had. See what happened? I sighed, thinking that I needed to experience it twice to realize.

Maraming tao ang natatakot mag-isa. Pero nakatutulong talaga ito. Dahil din kasi roon, napatunayan kong maayos na nga ako. Naayos ko na ang sarili ko.

"Hey, you're really getting him back now?" tanong muli ni Kiel, hinagis ako pabalik sa ulirat.

"Baliw ka. I'm not getting him back. He's engaged, Kiel. He's getting married sooner or later, who knows."

My answer molded one of his dark eyebrows into an arch.

"Honestly," dagdag ko. Para kasing hindi siya naniwala.

Magsisinungaling ako kung sasabihin kong hindi ko sinubukang mahalin si Zarkiel. If anything, I almost coerced to wrap my entire brain around the idea of us.

But our break-up was also really because the idea of us is platonic. On both sides, as per when we discussed it. Kiel was just as desperate to liberate me from that damnation.

And on top of everything? I know in myself that it's still Fern Velicaria after all these years.

He made me feel like no other. No one really compares to him in my entire life. Paano ako tuluyang makakalimot kung lahat ng ipinaramdam niya, ang tayog pa rin at hindi kayang pantayan ng kahit sinong iba?

"Then why are you even back there?"

"When you see me smile, Kiel, I swear it's genuine. Masaya ako. Maayos na ako. Better than I was five years ago."

"I know, and I'm proud of you, Eri," namamaos niyang tugon dala ng bumugsong emosyon. "More than I can ever be proud of anything."

Napangiti ako. "Maayos na ako. Pero hindi pa ako buo," I clarified, earning wrinkles on his forehead.

I stretched my arm to reach for the hair iron. I plugged it and started straightening my hair through the heat of it as I continued explaining to Kiel.

About Fern and Ingrid... Yes, it still hurts. But I can now manage. Kasi ito naman ang klase ng sakit na hindi na nilalamon nang buo o dinudurog sa maliliit na piraso ang puso ko. Because acceptance already exists in between.

"It's only the friendship that I will try to rekindle," nilinaw ko kay Kiel, napangiti sa sarili sa salamin habang inuunat ang buhok ko. "He's my best friend. As I am his."

I'm back here in hopes to make myself not only better, but also whole. It's just that the other pieces of me are not in my hands. Some are here, and I am to pick up those pieces.

Hindi lang naman si Fern ang may hawak ng ibang mga piraso ko. There are other people and matters, too. Pero si Fern ang uunahin ko.

"It's been so long. Hindi ko na kaya na mawala pati 'yung friendship namin. Hindi ko na rin kaya nang hindi ko siya kahit kaibigan manlang. 'Yun lang naman, Kiel. 'Di ko naman siya aagawin kay Ingrid, 'no."

Bumuntong hininga si Kiel. "Gets ko na. Go ahead. As long as it doesn't harm you."

I smirked. "My heart already endured so much and enough. Matibay na 'to."

He smiled, heartily and proudly all at once.

I'm not a rock so I will still feel all the pain inflicted. Hindi ko naman binabawalan ang sarili ko na masaktan, e. Bago lumapag ang eroplano, inasahan ko nang may kahaharapin talaga akong sakit dito.

But like I said, I was ready. I need to be. Para sa sarili ko.

Nakita kong humiga na ulit si Kiel. Because he was half-naked, I saw how his solid shoulder flexed when he tucked his arm at the back of his head to serve as a pillow. Palaki talaga nang palaki katawan nito. Is he indulging in excessive workout? This one!

"Pa'no mo siya malilimutan niyan kung 'di nga mag-work 'yang balak mo. Tsk."

"Makakalimot ako. I know I will. One of the coming days. Nagawa niya nga, e. Kaya ko rin 'yon. Nauna lang siya," may kumpiyansa kong sagot.

Kiel squinted his almond shaped eyes. "I'm looking forward to that day, then."

Malawak akong ngumiti at tinapos ang pag-unat sa buhok. I only intended to fix the frizzy spots so I was fast to finish. Tahimik namang nanood si Kiel habang inaayos ko ang mukha ko.

"Hey. Choose."

I raised two of my favorite bullet lipsticks. Kiel leaned forward, expanding his appearance on my cellphone screen to better weigh the options.

"Left one."

I abandoned the vivid one and uncapped the nude one which was exactly my choice, too. Pinanood ako ni Kiel na lapatan ng kulay ang mga labi ko.

"Malapit na akong matapos. I'll leave in just a few minutes. You can now take a rest."

"Make sure to use the cologne I gave you."

Sumimangot ako. "Baby cologne. 'Di bagay sa look ko. So, shut up and end the video call."

"Ba't ba? Amoy-baby kita forever, e..." he teased, chuckling.

My eye-roll was the last he witnessed from me before he disappeared. And ignoring his demand, I spritzed a womanly perfume on my wrists.

Today's the reunion June was talking about. Medyo kinakabahan ako kasi wala naman akong kaibigan sa klase namin noong fourth year high school, e.

Si Camara lang naman... at sina Fern...

I already expected that Camara won't have an appearance even before I get there. Si Fern, hindi ko alam. Kung hindi lang ako nagbabaka sakali sa kanya, hindi naman ako sasama.

My makeup wasn't overly done, just enough to enliven my facial features. My black, middle back length hair was divided in between and free from any accessories. I just tucked both sides behind my ear and let the other strands curtain them as if I had a hairband on.

My burgundy dress has thick straps and the unadorned hem is inches above my knees. Its waist line is tight, flaunting my waist small. My nude sandals has two inches block below, raising my heels.

Nag-ipon ako ng hangin sa baga ko bago dahan-dahan itong pinakawalan. Naging siklo ito ng tatlong beses.

Malapit lang naman sa SM ang apartment ko kaya nakarating din agad. Dumiretso na ako sa second floor kung nasaan ang isang Filipino buffet restaurant na napagkasunduan.

I stepped inside and immediately acknowledged how misplaced did I look with my attire. Hinayaan ko na lang. Well, so what. So what if I chose to be extra?

I gripped on the strap of my medium sized handbag in front of me as I stood on the other end of the tables they attached to each that made it long to accommodate us all.

"Hello."

Their chattering didn't die instantly. Iyong mga malapit lang sa akin ang napahinto at napatingin. Napakunot sila ng noo.

"Uy, guys, may bagong dating."

"Hi, Miss! You lost?"

"Hala. Si ano 'yan, right? Si ano. Sino nga 'yun?"

"Whisky Bottle!"

The attention moved like the successive fall of dominoes. Hanggang sa kabilang dulo ng mesa ay nakatingin na sa akin. I inwardly sighed to myself at the spotlight.

I still dislike attention. But it doesn't make my limbs tremble the way it did before anymore.

Nang hindi ako nagsalita ay napasinghap ang ilan. Si Ronnie lang ang naglakas loob na tumayo at lumapit sa akin, may binitbit na kung ano.

"So, for attendance purposes," he talked to me with a flirty grin. "Who are you here?"

Binaba ko ang tingin sa class picture na ipinakita nito. I scanned it and quickly spotted the girl awkwardly standing on the right side. Her smile was almost non-existent, as she was conscious about how hideous she looked like.

I pointed to that girl and Ronnie gasped so loud.

He swept his eyes from my head to toes. Nagtagal ang titig niya sa mukha ko bago napabulalas. "Hayop! Glow up kung glow up si Erisette!"

Huh! Nakilala naman na talaga nila 'ko kanina pa, e. 'Di naman ako nagparetoke para 'di makilala, 'no. They just didn't seem to accept the blatant fact that this was me.

Humalakhak na si Ronnie. "Sayang, wala si Luis!"

"Tribales? Ano naman?" sabi ko.

"E, 'di ba kayo laging seatmate no'n."

"OMG! Eri!" singit ni Nicole, katabi ni Trina na nakatingin lang. "Salamat ulit sa bond paper no'n sa Arts!"

Napatawa ako. "You're welcome."

"D'yan ka na upo, Veraño. D'yan sina Caelan mamaya. 'Di ba 'yun ang mga close mo bukod kay Centenario?"

I was taken aback for a while. "Ah, yes. Sige, dito na ako."

They went back to their dispositions before I took the spotlight. Umupo naman ako malapit sa dulo ng mesa at nakinig na rin sa usapan nilang lahat.

"O, tapos? Ano na nga ulit 'yung sa school? Mabisita na nga rin."

"'Yun nga, sis! Ganda na talaga!"

"Uy, sis, true. I heard. De-tiles na raw 'yung ibang classrooms. Pati classroom natin nung fourth year, de-tiles na."

"Tang'na! Hirap na hirap tayong mag-floorwax dun dati, a?! Napapagalitan pa 'ko ng nanay ko kada uwi kong may mantsa ng floorwax sa polo!"

"Ilang beses nga rin akong nahuli at napagalitan ni Ma'am Ruez nang walang shoe rug, e."

"Duga ni Father! May favoritism sa batches!"

"Hindi ba sila magpapa-alumni homecoming?"

I looked at the restaurant's entryway, losing interest in their topic. Dadating daw si Caelan. Iniisip ko kung kasama niya ba si Fern? Sana...

Pabaling na lang sana ulit ako sa mga dating kaklase nang may dalawang bulto ang lilingon-lingon pagkapasok. My heart raced in my chest, but to recognize Caelan and Fern was still faster than the beats.

Si Caelan ang unang nakahanap sa mesa namin na tinapik lang si Fern kaya natigilan na rin sa paghahanap ang huli. Kada hakbang nila, dumiretso nang dumiretso ang upo ko.

In his black polo shirt, light denim pants, dark leather boat shoes, Fern strode closer to where I was, mercilessly killing our distance and the composure I had!

Dahil nasa dulo ako, malapit sa akin sila tumigil. Pero nakatanaw ang dalawa sa ibang kaklase namin sa kabilang dulo kaya hindi ako nakita.

"Hanep! Dito na si Kapitan!"

Fern chuckled. He chuckled. Freaking hell.

"'Di pa, p're," he replied, sounding entertained. "Matagal-tagal pa para maging gano'n."

"Sus, 'tang ina, dun ka rin naman papunta!"

Kumibit balikat si Fern. "Sana," he uttered with an amused grin.

I almost sweat bullets while my gaze was lifted, fixated on him. Sure, I saw a few of his recent photos online. Matagal na ang mga huling posts nito kaya sa profile ni Ingrid ako madalas nakakakita.

But actually seeing him is different. He's... quite a man.

Naglalaban ang pabango nilang dalawa ni Caelan na magkahalo ko nang nalanghap. Hindi ko alam kung kanino ang kanino pero dumagdag sa maturity ng physical na anyo nila ang klase ng aromang mayroon.

Pinanood ko si Fern na lumapit sa upuan na katapat ng bakante ring katabi ko. His masculine silver watch gleamed as he attempted to pull the chair from under the table.

"Erisette? Ikaw 'yan?" si Caelan na naupo sa tabi ko, napansin ako sa wakas.

Natigilan si Fern. Hindi siya natuloy sa pag-upo. His eyebrows were furrowed when he eyed Caelan and eventually, I was blessed with his gaze. Sa reaskyon niya, nalaman kong hindi niya ako inaasahan dito.

Nilingon ko si Caelan at nginitian. "Hi. Long time no see."

On my peripheral, I saw Fern slowly claiming the seat while his attention was on me and Caelan.

Napatutop si Caelan ng nakakuyom na kamao sa bibig. "'Di ko alam na pupunta ka. How have you been? Nagkausap na kayo ni Marion?"

"Yeah," I answered, nodding. "Nag-chat siya sa'kin last month lang. Buti at saktong uuwi rin talaga ako rito."

"So... you know? About his wedding this month? Nabalitaan mo 'yung engagement?"

"Hmm," I hummed my response. "And also his engagement."

Nilingon namin ni Caelan si Fern na tahimik habang nakamasid sa akin. His kind of stare was deep and filled with curiosity... about what, I didn't know.

"Congrats," nagsalita ulit ako. "To you and Ingrid."

Nagtagal sandali ang paninitig niya na para bang inaalam niya sa ganoon ang nangyari sa akin sa mga nagdaang taon. And then he smiled as a response to my regards.

"Welcome back, by the way," he conversed with me, finally, after many years. "Ngayon ka lang ulit nakauwi rito, 'di ba?"

Hindi ako nakasagot agad. His voice settling in my ears felt surreal. It made me want to float, or if given more chance, ride a time machine and go back in time. Our time.

"Oo. Five years ako sa Manila."

Napatango ito. "Matagal din..." was his comment.

"Nga, e," si Caelan. "Buti wala kang flight ngayon? Nag-F.A. ka talaga, 'di ba?"

"Kagagaling ko lang sa flight six hours ago," I told him, giggling a little at the end.

Napatingin ulit ako kay Fern na nakatingin din naman sa akin. Parang natauhan siya nang nagtama ang mga mata namin. Mukhang hindi rin siya makapaniwalang nagkita na ulit kami, katulad ko.

Maliit ang ngiting ibinigay ko, at mas maliit doon ang ibinalik nito.

Shortly after, we began the bigger conversation involving us all for this reunion. I couldn't help but stare at these people who were there in my high school. Pero nagbago na rin talaga silang lahat.

Pati si Fern. Pero... kahit ako rin naman.

"Mamaya, Eri, sama ka sa'min ni Fern."

I stopped savoring the Filipino dishes I got from the buffet and eyed Caelan beside me who was eating as well. "Where to?"

"Punta kami kina Marion. Please, sama ka na. Magugulat 'yon."

"Uy, oo ba! Why not?" sagot ko, excited na agad.

Caelan's face brightened and a broad smile almost split his face into half. Tumingin siya kay Fern. "Tawagan din natin si Keno."

"Ikaw na."

"Padalhin ba natin ng sasakyan? O sunduin na lang natin ng auto mo?"

"Siya bahala."

Tumango si Caelan. "Teka nga. Kukuha ulit ako ng chicken BBQ."

Nataranta agad ako sa loob ko nang umalis si Caelan. Our former classmates were in a conversation in the middle but Fern and I were on the dead end of our long table.

I looked at him but he was just focused on the dishes on his plate while eating. Kumuha na lang ako ng lakas ng loob sa ganoong pagkakataon.

Then I cleared my throat. "Finally a seaman, huh?"

Napaangat ng tingin si Fern. His eyebrow cocked in amusement. "Finally a flight attendant, huh?" he returned.

Sumibol ang sulok ng mga labi ko. "An auto, huh?"

Self-satisfaction momentarily flashed on his face then he went back to eating, his eyes set on the dishes as he talked. "It might be distant years ago. Pero naaalala kong sinabi ko sa'yo na bibili ako... So. An auto."

Parang gusto nang sumabog ng dibdib ko tila ba namamaga na ang mga baga ko sa loob. Mabigat sa pakiramdam ang kausapin siya. Pero magaan din. Magulo.

Hindi ko binura ang ngiti ko. "How have you been?"

"Good," he replied. Sinilip niya ako saglit. "Ikaw ba?"

Pinanood ko siyang abala sa sariling pagkain. Dahil sa pagkakayuko, tanaw ko ang ilong nito. I've always fancied his nose. It's beautiful. He is beautiful. Even after all these years.

"Good also," I said, almost a whisper.

Sabi nila, wala raw talaga Siyang ginawa na hindi maganda.

I believe it whenever I think of my high school best friend or when I look at the fascinating sceneries around me. More so when for some odd reason, I inched close to him.

Ever since that moment I got to smell his scent in a shoulder's length, we sailed through our very own ship. And I stood alongside, trusting him, as he maneuvered it.

But in the sea of life, it sank. And I sank with it.

"So, am I still your best friend, Fern Velicaria?" diniretso ko.

Fern stopped moving, but not entirely because his jaw clenched. His jaw before was prominent, but even more now that it seems stronger... like that of a man he has become.

Nakataas ang isa niyang kilay nang mag-angat ulit ng tingin sa akin. "What would that be for, Erisette Veraño?" he imitated my tone with amusement.

My smile held onto my lips even though the sincerity of it disappeared into thin air between us.

"Matanda na tayo, e," he pointed out. "Hindi na yata bagay sa edad natin ang ideation ng best friends..."

Napatitig ako sa kanya bago napilitang tumango. "R-Right."

Sa pag-ahon ay umabot ako hanggang himpapawid. Kaya mula itaas, natanaw ko siyang maglayag sakay ng bagong barko sa ibabaw ng matinding hagupit ng tubig.

And I would muster my everything to stay up above beside the clouds. Because if not, I would crash back to the same spot where I sank.