Chapter 3 #jttwbs

But the situation where you badly want to confirm if someone is looking at you always occurs even at unfavorable times.

"Sandali!" si Ma'am Ruez. "Nakalimutan ko ang transferees! Magkakakilala naman na kayong lahat dito, 'di ba? Kaya 'yung mga bago na lang ang magpakilala muna bago ang election."

Habang tinatanong ni Ma'am Ruez ang buong klase kung sino ang mga bagong salta, nagbaba ako ng tingin sa mga nakaupo na sa sahig. Nakasandal sila sa likod ng paa ng mga upuan sa naunang row bago ang amin.

Marion, as far as I can recall his name, was sprawled on the floor with his cutely exposed tummy rolls. He was the one far from me which was on the opposite side of the passage.

Keno's folded knees were across him, above it were his folded arms with his chin resting on it. Bahagyang nakanguso at kapansin-pansin ang malantik na pilikmata.

Si Fern ay isang tuhod lang ang nakatupi. Nakapatong ang braso niya roon sa tuhod. His other hand was planted on the floor for the foundation. His other slack clad long leg was stretched out—I could feel it having contact with my shoe.

Nakasandal din ang ulo niya kaya bahagya rin siyang nakatingala. A small amused grin was pasted on his lips. Although his head was directed to me, his eyes were on Caelan beside me.

It somehow relieved me but there was still a remnant of irritation over him... them. Saka hindi rin ako komportable. Kung bakit ba naman kasi sila nariyan sa baba?

My knitted eyebrows went back to normal when Fern looked like he sensed that someone was staring at him. Ibinaling ko ang tingin sa unahan bago pa niya ako mahuli.

Panibagong katangahan na naman iyon sa listahan ko. Mga mata ko lang kasi ang naigalaw ko kaya nanatiling medyo nakayuko ang ulo! Inisip ko ang itsura ko at mukha akong tanga.

I eventually felt it taking effect on my neck. I fixed my posture with stealth and without tearing my eyes away from Ma'm Ruez the whole time. Kahit nararamdaman ko ang minsang tumatama na binti ni Fern sa sapatos ko kapag gumagalaw siya nang kaunti.

"Porn ba 'yan?" Caelan asked quietly. Halos masamid ako sa sariling laway dahil sa narinig ngunit hindi ko ipinahalata.

I glued my whole attention to Ma'am Ruez who was engrossed in listening to the introduction of each transferees. Ni hindi niya natutunugan na may mga outsiders dito. Kapag nasa likod nga naman. Marami talagang maaaring mangyari sa likod.

"Porn 'yan, 'no?" ulit ni Caelan.

Nanonood kasi ang tatlo niyang tropa sa iisang cellphone. Si Keno at Marion ang naghati sa kulay asul na earphones habang si Fern ay nakikinood lang. I wondered if he could comprehend whatever they were watching in that case.

Sabagay. Kung bastos nga ang palabas, mukhang maiintindihan naman ang nagaganap kahit walang tunog? I sneered at the thought.

"Shh! Para mamaya pa ang gano'n, okay?" mapilyong sagot ni Keno. Even if I wasn't looking, I could visualize his sultry smirk.

"So, hindi?" si Caelan.

"Hindi nga, 'tol."

"Ows? Sige nga, ano 'yan?" usisa pa ni Caelan, halatang hindi naniniwala. Hindi lang siguro niya masilip at baka mapansin ni Ma'am Ruez na may kakausapin siya sa sahig.

"Sex," said Marion's voice.

I heard Caelan's audible sigh. "Mga walang kunsensya. Mangumpisal kayo, ha, kasi gusto kong makita kayo sa langit."

Napamaang si Keno at Marion kay Caelan. Napatawa rin ang huli kalaunan, hindi natagalan ang pagpapanggap na matino. Birds with the same feather flock together, ika nga.

"Science experiment kasi. SEx. Dumi ng utak mo," Keno clarified, chuckling silently.

"Science experiment my ass."

"Ewan ko sa'yo, 'tol," suko ni Marion. "H'wag mo na nga kaming kausapin. Kulit mo! Isasama ka naman kapag manonood na ng gano'n, eh."

Bumuntong hininga si Fern na ngayon lang nakisali. "Hindi nga porn, Visa."

Itinapat pa ni Fern kay Caelan ang screen ng cellphone kahit si Keno ang may hawak. Dahil tabi kami ni Caelan, nahagip ko rin. I saw beakers, test tubes, and subtitles indeed.

Weh? Baka naman sa science laboratory kasi ang setting ng sex.

Ang hirap naman kasing maniwala na nag-download sila ng episode ng iBilib na show tapos pinanonood ngayon mismo sa school, 'di ba? Who among high school boys does that?

I brushed it aside instead. Why am I even eavesdropping? Eh, kasi naman. Bukod sa hindi talaga ako komportable na nariyan sila sa baba, ginagambala ako ng mahina nilang usapan.

Because it was bothersome.

Minsan kasi kapag ganoon, pakiramdam ko ay ako ang pinag-uusapan. I tend to overthink that I'm their subject; that my name is being muttered by each of them to make fun of me. It might be indirect and it's more unsettling.

Hindi naman sa pagiging assumera na lahat ay ako ang pinag-uusapan kaso nakaka-anxious talaga minsan. Hindi ako tinatantanan ng utak kong nagpupumilit na ako raw ang laman ng mahinang usapan.

"Erisette..."

I turned my head at Luis. Hindi na agad maganda ang kutob ko sa nakapaskil na ngiti sa kaniya. I think... it was carved by the wicked scheme he developed inside his head.

"Bakit?"

"Ikaw muse, ah."

Kumunot ang noo ko at mabilis akong umiling. "Huh? Muse? Ayoko!" I hissed with emphasis.

He didn't insist and it just made me feel troubled. Nanlamig bigla ang mga kamay ko. Hindi naman siguro, 'di ba? Nang-aasar lang naman siguro si Luis? I nervously watched him beside me even if he was already disregarding my existence.

Nakarinig ako ng tikhim mula sa baba ngunit hindi ako nagtangkang bumaling. O baka totoong ubo nga 'yon? Kaso naulit at... mas lumakas.

Kaya wala sa sariling nagbaba ako ng tingin kay Fern na sa akin nga nakatingin. I knitted my eyebrows and showed him an inquiring look.

"You can move, you know."

Hati ang atensiyon ko. Hindi pa rin ako mapakali dahil kay Luis na mukhang may masamang balak. And actually, I wasn't sure if it was my attention that Fern meant to snatch but now that he was obviously talking to me...

"You've been unmoving the moment we got here." He tilted his head to the side. "'Wag kang mag-alala. Wala naman akong nakikita. Aalis ako rito kung meron."

His frankness caught me off guard. Napangisi lang naman siya sa halatang reaksiyon ko.

Nginuso niya ang nakakuyom kong mga kamay sa lap ko. "Baka manuntok na 'yan?" he asked, arching an eyebrow.

"Uhh..." I unclenched my hands and rested them on my desk. "H-Hindi naman."

Noon ko lang napansin na hindi ko nga ginalaw ang katawan ko. Kung bakit nga ba kasi sila nariyan? Is this another episode of boys and their thrill?

Fern slightly lifted himself for his convenience. Dumudulas na kasi yata ang likod niya kaya inayos ang upo. Hindi na siya nagsalita at bumalik lang sa pinanonood nila.

"Muse at escort," hudyat ni Ma'am Ruez. "Nomination for muse, open."

I swallowed as I shifted on my seat. I observed Luis sideways. Ginaanan ako nang wala naman siyang ikinilos. He was silent too, but it was still hard to feel at ease.

Nagsilingon ang mga ulo. Similar to what occurred a while back, the routinely pinpointing started and I silently stilled on my seat while I watched everyone. Iiling ang mga itinuro at magtuturo ng iba.

"Corny n'yo naman!" sigaw ni Luis, nababagot na sa pagtuturuan ng lahat. "Ma'am, kung ayaw nila, si Eri na lang!"

His loud suggestion with my name in it hurled a pail of freezing cold water at me. It's as though I was bare and it ruthlessly directed to hit my skin. My breathing hitched as if my world stopped, especially when half of the class turned their heads to look at me over their shoulders since I was at the back.

Holy shit, no.

"Ay, oo! Si Eri na lang, Ma'am!"

"Puwede! Puwede!"

My eyes widened a fraction at those who spoke at once. How come Luis was able to gather two supporters for his unreasonable idea?! Ako? Muse? Hindi 'yon maaari! Ayoko! No!

Kinabahan ako lalo nang sinipat ni Ma'am Ruez. She even lowered her eye glasses to examine me with her eyes, refusing to have it as a barrier. Pakitanggal na 'yang salamin mo, Ma'am, nang makita mong hindi ako angkop bilang muse!

"Si Ashtine last school year, si Eri naman this time!"

"Si Eri na lang, Ma'am. If others don't like the position, then might as well let her have it."

"Oh! Oh!" aroganteng awat ni Luis at tumayo pa mula sa upuan. "I nominate Erisette!"

"I'm closing the nomination!" segunda naman ng isa mula sa harapan. Kaya tanging ako lang ang nakalistang candidate!

Sunod-sunod akong umiling kahit bulag na sila sa reaksiyon ko dahil walang mga pakialam sa makatotohanang pagtanggi ko. Ayoko talaga. Hindi ako nag-iinarte lang. Hindi ako nagpapapilit lang. Hindi ako nagpapakipot lang.

I honestly don't want it.

A muse is the representative of the section. Am I fit in terms of face? I don't think so. My looks can't even steal a glance, more so a crown on contests that mandates a freaking brain! Ni hindi ako makapasok sa top 10 ng klase! Kahit special awards, wala!

At sadyang ayoko lang talaga.

Hindi ko hilig ang atensiyon. I'd rather be a shadow in our room until the end of our academic batch. It could be for lifelong and I still wouldn't mind. Para kasing uod na inasinan ang kalooblooban ko sa tuwing napapansin. Kahinaan ko ang maging tampulan ng kahit kaninong mga mata.

But then my head-shake lost conviction every second that came by since almost half of the class was cheering for me. Nagwawala pa rin ang kabog ng puso ko at nanlalamig pa rin ang mga kamay ko. Pero ang pag-iling ko ay nauwi na sa... paglunok.

"Come on, Eri!" udyok pa ni Luis. "Okay lang 'yan! Class officer lang naman. This is not for the whole nation. Relax." He laughed.

Nakangiti naman ang mga nakalingon sa akin habang hinihikayat ako. I couldn't decipher what their wide smiles with urging nods actually meant.

It was so unlikely for them to be sincere about this. Pinakakulelat sa ganda sa klase, itatalaga bilang muse? A complete madness! Pinagkakatuwaan ba nila ako? Siguro nga? Halata naman! Each ecstatic smile didn't signify their support for me, rather it was only because I delivered entertainment out of my situation.

Pero sa kabilang banda, inisip ko pa rin na hindi naman siguro malupit ang lahat ng kaklase ko. Pinaasa ko ang sarili na... isa lang... kahit isa lang sana sa kanila na narito sa room... may totoo at mabuting intensiyon. Kaso sino naman?

O napakalabo nitong iniisip ko?

Sometimes, I see the beauty even though the world has shown its downright cruelty countless times. Most of the time, it wasn't because I believe it exists... but just because I need something to hold onto to keep on wanting to live.

"Dali na! Ikaw na muse, ah? Maganda ka naman, eh!" Nakatakip ang bibig ni Luis nang bumaling sa mga malapit sa amin. Patago ang tawa ngunit malinaw na narinig ko.

A sudden burning sensation surrounded my eyes and a huge rock clogged my slim throat. I wished that Rara wasn't absent... Kasi hindi ko na alam... Hindi ko sila maintindihan...

Only one thing was certain. It only added to the heavy expectation they had for me that I was forced to carry. And it reminded me that I had no privilege to choose for my own sake. Na kahit hindi naman labis ang nais kong maging anino lamang sa tabi, hindi ko iyon makakamit.

"Settle down! Parang hindi mga fourth year na, ah?!" saway ni Ma'am Ruez bago ako nagtatanong na tiningnan.

Hindi ko nagawang sumagot. Mariin kong kinagat ang ilalim kong labi habang unti-unti akong sumandal, nagdadalawang-isip pa rin sa nakikinita kong hantungan. My whole body was freezing in tension.

"Oo na raw, Ma'am!" si Luis kahit wala naman akong sinasabi. "Siya na raw!"

The absence of my protest caused Ma'am Ruez to finally write my name on the board, together with the other proclaimed names.

Napapalakpak pa ang iilan kasama si Luis. I couldn't deny that a tad part of me was relieved from their reaction. Parang tapik sa aking likuran at nakagagaan sa loob. Pleasing everyone felt like an achievement. Hindi ko iyon itatanggi.

"Para naman sa escort..."

Naging madali at mabilis na lang ang pagtalaga ng escort. It seemed that the girls already had someone in mind and it was what the majority went for. Nagkahiyaan nga silang banggitin kung sino noong una.

But in conclusion, Caelan Visa it is.

"Gwapo natin, ah?" tukso ni Keno. Pabiro niyang tinapik ang tuhod ni Caelan mula sa sahig.

"Natin? Ako lang."

Keno's face fell flat. Nagtaas siya ng middle finger kay Caelan habang masama ang tingin. Pinagtawanan naman siya ng dalawa.

Si Fern lang ang nanatiling tahimik. Nakatitig lang siya sa sahig. Para bang may sinusubukan siyang buohin na puzzle pieces doon na siya lang ang nakakakita.

"Oy." Keno elbowed Fern which removed him from his reverie. "Payag ka n'on, 'tol? Siya lang daw guwapo?"

Ngumiwi lamang si Fern na animo'y wala naman sa kaniya ang bagay na iyon. Kinuha na rin ulit ni Ma'am Ruez ang atensiyon ng lahat.

Because escort was the last position to settle, all the declared officers were summoned to go in front. Ma'am Ruez instructed us to formally introduce ourselves and swear that we would offer our best to fulfill our responsibilities in front of our classmates.

"You ready? Let's go," si Caelan sa akin nang turn na namin.

Nagsimula kasi siyempre sa tuktok hanggang sa ibaba. Magkatabi kaming humakbang sa gitna. Kinabahan ako dahil lahat sila ay nakatingin sa akin. Apparently, I'm also not good at this.

I cleared my throat. "Hi everyone!" I tried to sound energetic. "I'm Iova Erisette Veraño. You guys call me Eri."

No one had a noticeable reaction. Nataranta ako sa namayagpag na dead air kaya pinilit ko ang sarili na magsalita ulit. Kahit balisang-balisa na ako.

"I honestly don't know why you chose me to be our section's muse... Pero gagawin ko naman kung ano'ng kailangan kong gawin."

Hindi na gumana ang utak ko. Wala nang madagdag na sabihin kaya umatras na ako. I tugged on my lower lip, thinking how weak my statement was. Eri! That was so lame!

No remarks were thrown at me right after. I just listened to Caelan's statements next. Pinalakpakan pa nga siya ng mga kaklase namin, bagay na hindi nila pinaranas sa akin.

"Okay, secretary..." tawag ni Ma'am Ruez. "Pakilista ang mga pangalan n'yo at ididikit natin 'yan sa cork board sa likod."

"Noted, Ma'am!"

Hinarap ni Ma'am Ruez ang klase. "Ito na ang class officers. One last time, I will ask. Wala namang reklamo sa mga naitalaga? Objections na nahihiyang isatinig kanina?"

Katahimikan ulit. Natatakot din ako. Baka kasi sa akin ang may reklamo. Kung titingnan kaming mga nakahilera ngayon sa harapan, ako nga ang puwedeng mapatalsik kung sakali.

One... two... three...

I counted inside my head and no one was stealing the spotlight. Unti-unti na akong napanatag. Kaso lang ay hindi na ako hinayaang makaabot sa number five ng pagbibiling ko.

Fern raised his hand.

My lips went ajar. What... is he doing? He was supposed to hide, right? Pero bakit nakaupo na siya roon sa upuan ko? And he even raised his hand?

"Hala? Si Fern ba 'yon?"

"Gagi, best, ampogi talaga!"

"'Di naman natin siya kaklase, ah..."

"Hoy. Crush number three ko 'yan."

Narinig ko ang bulungan sa unang hilera ng upuan. I think I heard Caelan's boyish chuckle because of the last we heard.

Binaba ni Fern ang kamay at nagsalita kahit wala pang hudyat si Ma'am Ruez. "I don't think that Erisette Veraño should be the section's Muse, Ma'am Ruez."

Right after he said that, he averted his eyes from Ma'am Ruez. Sa akin sunod na dumestino ang kaniyang mga mata. He fixed his unfathomable gaze on me.

Nabato ako sa kinatatayuan ko at agad na nanliit. Iniisip ko pa lang kanina, e... Ito na agad. Shit, ako nga talaga ang puntirya. Pakiramdam ko ay napapahiya na ako sa lahat!

I glowered at him no matter our current distance but I doubt that it was clearly seen on my face. Bakit ba? If anything, si Luis naman ang may pakana nito, hindi ako! Saka... teka nga! Hindi naman namin siya kaklase, ah? He has no right to meddle in our election!

"First of all..." mariing ani Ma'am Ruez. "Velicaria, you are not in my class record."

'Di ba, Ma'am?! Exactly!

Napabaling tuloy si Fern kay Ma'am Ruez. Napa-adjust siya ng upo. Nasaksihan ko ang saglit na pagpasada niya ng dila sa ibabang labi bago ito hinuli ng ngipin. Clearly, he wasn't prepped for that.

Ayan, buti nga sa lalaking 'yan ang mabilis na karma!

He didn't attempt to defend himself anymore. He stood from my chair, leaving it vacant again as how it was the same with Caelan's. How can he sit on the chair of someone he's trying to drag down? Pang-insulto rin ba 'yon? And why was he this invested in overthrowing me?

Dala niya ang mga kwelyo nina Marion at Keno patayo na siyang dahilan ng pagsinghap ni Ma'am Ruez. The majority of the class emitted low gasps out of surprise too.

"Aba talaga..." hindi makapaniwala ang may halong inis na saad ni Ma'am Ruez.

Fern only released their collars when they were already near the door. Marion bashfully smiled while Keno brushed his hair. Lahat kasi ay nakamatyag sa paglabas nila. Para bang entrance ng hollywood stars sa red carpet, nga lang... exit ang kanila.

"Psst. Mamaya, ah," senyas ni Caelan sa mga kaibigan. Nag-isang tango si Keno at nagdalawang thumbs-up si Marion.

Sa akin nakatuon ang mga mata ni Fern bago sila tuluyang lumabas ng silid namin. His kind of stare is his way of telling me that I look ugly so I'm a misfit and what's best to do is to step off from being the Muse.

I pursed my lips tightly with my eyebrows creasing. Naiirita ako. Nakakairita ang lalaking 'yon. Kahit tuloy ang pag-upo niya sa aking upuan ay ikinaiirita ko. Pero siyempre, lahat iyan ay kinikimkim ko lamang dahil walang lakas ng loob na ipagtanggol ang sarili.

Pati kung paanong natupok niya ang katiting na nabuo kong tapang ngayon. The composure that I offered so much before I gained now turned to dust because of him.

Kahit isa lang... Isa lang ang hiniling ko na may totoo at mabuting intensiyon. But I got one who was a complete opposite.

"Going back! Erisette, do you still fully accept the position?" si Ma'am Ruez.

Napamaang ako sa tanong ngunit agad ko ring nahulma ang sagot ko.

"Opo..." I answered, not wanting to see disappointment from everyone.