Chapter 26 #jttwbs

That summer passed by like a whirlwind in both my head and chest.

Hindi ko ulit nakita si Camara pagkatapos ng gabing iyon ng eighteenth birthday niya. I didn't hear anything about her and I see that was on purpose. Na kahit abutin ko siya ulit, mas malayo na siya ngayon.

Mag-isa akong nag-enroll ng ikalawang taon ko sa kurso ko. Pinalipas ko na lang ang mga araw na parang binalasang baraha habang naghihintay ng pasukan.

Pinasadahan ko ng tingin ang kalawakan ng memorial na akala mo ay magandang tanawin ito. Indeed, it is, looking at the wide land covered with green tiny grass. Peaceful scenery just like what's underneath the ground. Numerous soul that are resting in peace.

Yeah, I guess, just minus the fact that this area is a reminder of the permanent end. Death.

Truth is, the idea of death still frightens me. Sa kabila ng lahat ng mga mabibigat na pasan ko, natatakot pa rin akong isauli ang hiram na buhay na ito.

But then sometimes, the idea is tempting, seducing every fiber of my damaged being.

I don't know where exactly do I stand. There are times that I abhor breathing in this world but I don't exactly wish to end my life. Yet, at least. Malabo rin talaga minsan.

"Hello..." mahinang bati ko, nakatingin sa pangalan na nasa lapida.

Sinuyod ko sandali ng tingin ang paligid. I was not confident to talk to a grave with witnesses who might see me for a fool. Pero dahil normal na araw lang naman, halos ako lang ang tao na nandito.

I lowered my gaze again and cleared my throat. "Hello po, would you allow me to call you 'Tita'? Kahit na somehow... I may have hurt and failed your eldest son."

Hindi ako naniniwala sa multo o sa pagpaparamdam ng mga ito. It's to see is to believe for me. Hindi man nakaranas, marami na akong narinig na kuwento sa school. Kaya sa posibilidad lang ako naniniwala.

Pinaniwalaan ko na lang na nagparamdam si Tita Emma nang biglang umihip ang hangin. I just couldn't figure out what did that mean. Did she scare me away or what?

"I'm sorry po for this unsolicited visit... at baka rin unwanted. Pero wala lang po kasi akong maisip na makausap na gaya ng anak n'yo, nakikinig lang."

Inabot ko ang bulaklak na dala at pinaglaruan ang magagandang petals nito habang nakatulala rin doon.

"Well, hmm, I'm not robbing you the right to reply, Tita. Let the wind blow if you want. H'wag po kayong mag-alala kasi wala naman po akong allergy sa hangin," I said submissively, trying to please the late woman.

But if I had hurt his son, would she even fret about me and my non-existent allergies? Napanguso ako sabay ng buntong hininga.

"Ex-girlfriend po ako ng anak n'yo, Tita Emma. I broke up with Fern and it's already been two months since that day. Naalala ko po 'yun, ni hindi siya nakasagot. Like a knight tossed in the battleground without armors. Pero tulad ng lagi niyang sinasabi sa'kin, nakikinig siya. Kaya 'yon nga rin ang huling beses na nakita at nakausap ko siya, Tita. He heard me."

Mapait akong napangiti sa malinaw na naalala. Pakiramdam ko kasi naging masama ako kay Fern.

"You brought such a wonderful human being into this world, Tita Emma. Naiirita man ako kay Fern noong una, wala nang puwang 'yon ngayon. Kasi po may pagkapilyo at makulit talaga siya minsan lalo dati nung high school. Minsan, seryoso. Minsan, ewan ko. Pero siya po 'yung tao na kapag nawala sa buhay mo, ang tamang salita ay... Sayang.

He's kinder to me than I am to myself. So you ask me if I miss him right now, Tita? I terribly do. You ask me if I regret it? I miserably do. I didn't just lose a boyfriend. I lost a best friend. Best friends... for that matter. I... I lost your son, Tita Emma.

Hindi ko dapat pinangungunahan... Pero mali ba 'ko, Tita? 'Di ba totoo naman na may dulo ang lahat? Mali ba'ng iwasan ang sakit na hatid nun, Tita? Though, maybe I missed that the final end is here in a cemetery, at pwedeng marating ang dulo na 'yan ng may kasama at hindi nag-iisa.

But how can I believe that possibility with your son? Kung mismong ang mga nagdala sa akin sa mundo, parang obligasyon lang ang turing sa akin? How can I believe when the very first person I lean onto, before your son, grew exhausted of me?

A-Ang sakit po na... P-Para silang mga nakapila, T-Tita, na unti-unti at sunod-sunod na mapapagod sa'kin..."

My uncontrolled sobs halted my blabbering. My fingers abandoned the feel of petals to wipe the tears that my eyes freed.

I was ashamed for baring my soul to the grave of my ex-boyfriend's mother. Pero ang hirap itanggi ng ginhawa na kahit papaano ay naramdaman ko sa wakas.

I'm sorry, Tita, that your son happened to engage himself with someone who has a little bitch in her head that overpowers her most of the time.

Nagdaan muli ang mga araw hanggang sa bumalik na ang klase. I was utterly grateful that I was assigned in the same block section as Kiel again. He's by far the one I can consider a college friend.

Araw ng Linggo, nakahilata ako sa sofa habang inaaral ang isang blangkong mapa ng Pilipinas. It already had answers because this was our long quiz before.

Inaalala ko lang ang mga dapat tandaan. Mataas pa naman ang expectations ng mga college professors dahil inaral na raw iyon at iyan kaya dapat ay alam na lahat!

"National Capital Region... Quezon City, the former capital of the Philippines through Elpidio Quirino in 1948, Makati, Marikina, Pasig, Taguig..." my voice faded away when I heard a rattling of heels.

Dumilat ako at nakita si Mommy na galing sa taas. My eyebrows fused at her being in a floral cocktail dress with a matching stiletto heels at such a normal day... or not.

She was fishing for something in her Caviar sling bag while a posh paper bag from a high end brand was dangling by the bend of her elbow. Sumulyap siya sa akin at nagtanong, "Iniwan ni Ian ang sasakyan?"

"Hindi yata, 'My." Bumangon ako at sumilip sa bintana para makita kung may nakaparada sa tapat. "Dala ni Daddy."

She huffed with an eye roll. "I told him na hihiramin ko. Nakakairita 'yang Daddy mo."

Itatanong ko sana kung saan ang lakad niya kaso umupo na siya sa kabilang sofa at agad na may tinawagan. I heard her demanding someone to fetch her and until that instant service arrived, she was still on the line making me lose my chance to ask.

Mamala packs my lunch meal this time upon my request. Sa classroom na lang ako kumakain kasi wala namang kasama sa canteen. I place it in my bag instead of a lunch bag so I won't forget it at school.

But then today, I failed to bring what Mamala might have prepared because I was hurrying to school earlier considering that I was almost late. Mag-isa tuloy ako sa canteen.

Kumaway si Kiel sa akin mula sa mesa nila ng lumalawak niyang grupo. I meekly waved back and then he was back roaring a laughter with his friends.

I swept my eyes over the area, hoping to find Camara but in the end, she crushed that hope. Isang buwan na rin nang nagpasukan pero hindi ko pa rin siya nakikita o nakasasalubong kahit saan.

Susubo na sana ulit ako kung hindi lang dumestino ang mga mata ko sa isang dako. They were complete, the four of them including Fern, occupying one table and casually conversing while pigging out like the typical guys during lunch.

It was the first time I laid my eyes on him again after the break-up!

Yumuko ako at agad na nanlabo ang paningin. I blindly worked on my spoon and led it into my mouth, tasting everything bland. Mas malasa pa ang pagkasabik ko na lapitan at kausapin ulit si Fern...

Pinahiran ko agad ang namuong luha bago tumulo. Humaging ako bago nilunok ang kinakain. Duga naman ng ganito. Pati friendship, nasama sa breakup...

Panay ang sulyap ko sa kanya habang inuubos ang pagkain ko. Not once did his gaze drift to mine or even my direction. But I knew the number of times that he grinned over what they were talking about.

Palabas na lang ako ng canteen, nakatitig pa rin ako sa kanya. I didn't already hope for him to see me even though I was yearning for it. Pero ganoon na lang ang paninigas ko ng napatingin sa akin si Fern.

That cemented my feet to the floor same as my eyes to his. The exit was already right in front of me but it suddenly seemed out of reach as if the area extended. Fern, like the exit, felt so close yet so far, too.

Hindi siya nagulat. Para bang naramdaman niya lang na may nakatitig kaya hinagilap niya at natagpuan ako. His eyebrows were just almost meeting, his jaw was just tightened, and nothing else that would spark contentment in me.

Misery was strangling me every passing second so I cut off that eye contact and exited the suffocating place.

That night, I found out where Mommy went while looking fancy last week. Nag-upload ulit siya ng pictures sa Facebook. It was that girl's grand debut celebration.

Inayos ko na lang ang vanity table ko para abalahin ang sarili. Nandoon pa rin ang produktong binili ko na nag-vent out pa ako kay Fern. I wasn't that eager and strict in using it. I just use it for the sake of receiving my money's worth.

Eventually, I found out through Hadya that Camara didn't actually enroll reason why I haven't seen even a strand of her hair in the campus. Kahit ang mga online accounts niya ay halos amagin na.

Everybody in our circle was both curiously and worriedly seeking for the light and nobody was spared from the darkness. The Centenarios just kept on getting rid of our nosy asses.

Our friend just disappeared into thin air. And then... that began the greatest mystery of Camara Centenario.

"Sigurado ka bang hindi na kita lulutuan ng baon?" naninigurong tanong ni Mamala sa akin isang gabi. "Bakit ba?"

"Hindi na po, Mamala. Thanks..." I smiled cheekily to dismiss her questions.

Kinabukasan nga ay dumiretso ako sa canteen kasi walang baon. Lingon ako nang lingon sa mga lamesa habang nakapila. Oo, gusto ko siyang kahit masulyapan lang!

Napanguso ako sa sarili nang hindi siya nakita. Siguro ay abala sa sariling eskwelahan? How is he surviving school?

I was in the middle of deep thoughts about Fern while eating alone when someone unabashedly claimed the seat across me. In fact, it was even me who felt embarrassed. Do anyone own this certain spot?

Kaya lang halos mabitiwan ko ang mga kubyertos nang makita si Fern na masama ang tingin sa akin habang nakahalukipkip ang mga braso sa ibabaw ng mesa.

"F-Fern!" I gasped uncontrollably out of utter surprise. Dahan-dahan kong ibinaba ang mga kubyertos bago sila bumagsak.

Pero mas lalo lang sumama ang tingin niya sa'kin! Kung hindi ako nagkakamali, nakita ko rin siyang umismid!

"Hindi mo 'ko binati nung birthday ko," aniya, tunog may sama ng loob. "My birthday, Erisette."

My lips went ajar incredulously. Oo, alam kong naganap ang nineteenth birthday niya last week. Pero wala akong lakas ng loob na kausapin siya kaya hindi ko binati! Sulyap lang ang kaya ko!

I was about to speak when he beat me to it. "Baka nakakalimutan mong best friend kita? Hindi ka na nga bumisita, hindi ka pa bumati?" aniya, nakataas ang isang kilay.

The space between my lips had widened. Bumaba ang tingin niya sa mga labi ko tila nag-aabang ng idadahilan ko. His eyebrows were still fused in a grumpy manner while I was there, rendered speechless.

He looked back in my eyes when I didn't utter anything. Kasi naman! Anong isasagot ko, e ang biglaan nito?!

"Tss..." Halos irapan niya ako nang tumayo siya. Gulantang ko siyang sinundan ng tingin nang lumabas siya ng canteen.

I stared at the entryway where he was last seen longer than the interval of my heartbeats. Upon recovery, a tight-lipped smile almost tore my face and the urge of tearing up was more intense than my breathing.

Edi... magkaibigan pa rin kami? Akala ko imposibleng hindi 'yon masira. Pero mukhang ayaw rin ni Fern na mawala kahit 'yon.

Hindi ko tuloy napigilan ang paglawak ng ngiti ko.

"So far, may alam na ako sa Spanish, French, Italian, Chinese, Japanese..." ani Kiel habang nakamasid sa nakabuklat niyang world map. "Eri, what d'you suggest next?"

Naglalakad kami pabalik ng classroom galing sa field kung saan naganap ang pagdadasal ng living rosary. It was to commemorate the Blessed Virgin Mary's nativity because it was September 8.

Being reminded of the date also reminded me of how many months had it been since Fern and I weren't together anymore. Abril nang tinapos namin ang limang buwan na relasyon.

Hindi siya madalas bumisita sa school o hindi ko lang nakikita... I only saw him here two times since our break-up. Hindi rin kami nagkausap kahit sa text o chat.

Not exactly how we were before. It saddens me, but I'd take what he could only give me. So long as... we're friends. Or if it's not much, best friends.

Si Camara... Pinilig ko agad ang ulo ko at binalingan si Kiel.

"Ikaw siguro ang mataas sa Foreign Language. Hmm. How about Greek?"

"Right!" he exclaimed.

My nose twitched because it was like I just blessed him something big of a matter. Hinagilap niya naman ang Greece sa mapa ng mundo na lagi niyang dala.

I could only imagine his felicity this year because we were finally tackling about the global tourism. Ako naman, hindi natutuwa. Hirap na nga ako sa buong Pilipinas tapos biglang buong mundo na!

Masyadong tutok si Kiel sa mapa na hindi niya napansing naiwanan niya na ako. Bunga iyon ng bultong nakatayo sa tapat ng classroom namin.

Fern's lower bod was leaning against the half concrete ledge, behind his upper bod was the view of the other buildings outside. Forgive me, Reverend Father, but Fern is more glorious than the architecture.

Nakapamulsa siya at nakataas ang kilay sa akin dahil nakita na rin ako. Mukha siyang may inaabangan.

Only then when Kiel was already in front of the door did he notice my absence beside him. He was innocently confused when he turned and found me. Nakita niya rin si Fern. Kumibit siya at hinayaan na kami.

Hindi manlang tiningnan kahit isang segundo si Kiel, tumayo nang tuwid si Fern at lumapit sa akin. Tikom ang bibig ko siyang tiningala nang tumigil siya sa harapan ko.

"Birthday ni Frensha bukas," he talked and I suffered at how frugal that was.

"Uhm—"

"Punta ka sa bahay."

Hindi niya na hinintay ang sagot ko at nilagpasan ako. I turned right away to witness his departure. Nang wala na kahit anino niya, saka lang ako nakapasok ng classroom.

Nakatanggap nga ako ng chat sa kanya pagsapit ng gabi.

He told me he'd pick me up at our house but I refused, taking into account that he might be needed in their house. Kaya mag-isa akong pumunta sa kanila after ng klase.

Nagulat pa ako na nakatayo si Fern sa labas. Hindi nga ako sinundo pero inabangan naman ako! 'Di nga ako nagpasundo kasi baka kailangan niyang kumilos sa kanila.

"Medyo marami ang tao... Ayos lang ba?" aniya at inuunahan ako sa gate. "Mga classmate lang ni Sha saka ilang kapitbahay."

"Huh? Edi dito na lang ako sa labas," I said in a panicky manner, also hearing the noise inside which intimidated me.

His forehead wrinkled as he stared at me with heavy disapproval. "Do'n ka na lang sa kwarto ko sa taas."

My jaw dropped but even before I could protest, he stepped in already. May karamihan nga ang tao sa garahe na imbis sasakyan ang laman, mga mesa at grupo ng mga tao. Ganoon din ang estado sa loob.

Kulang na lang sumuot ako sa t-shirt ni Fern para magtago sa saglit na atensyon!

"Fern, dalhin mo nga 'to sa labas!" sigaw ng kung sino mula sa kusina nang nasa ibaba na sana kami ng hagdanan.

Fern eyed me briefly. "Wait lang..."

Pinagmasdan ko siyang humilig sa countertop habang hinihintay ang isang ginang na matapos magsalin ng kung ano sa kaserola. Bitbit iyon ni Fern nang lumabas.

And I stood there alone and awkward.

"Grabe, Ate, sobrang ganda mo talaga!" someone from one circle shouted, defeating all the cacophony of noise.

"Kanina n'yo pa ako binobola, huh!" sagot ng babae na parte naman ng isang mas maliit na grupo sa kabilang banda.

"Totoo naman po! Girl crush na kita!"

"Anong Facebook mo, Ate, please!"

"Pwede kang gumanap na Mama Mary sa school namin, Ate! Kapag hindi available si Ate Hadya Sierra o si Frensha!"

The girl laughed sweetly then shook her head. Her flushed cheeks were nothing but real. She's too humble for the flood of compliments, that I noticed.

"Mga baliw kayo... Tama na... Nahihiya na ako..."

Natigil ang panonood ko sa eksena nang lumitaw na ulit si Fern sa harapan ko. Iginiya niya ako sa hagdanan at sumunod naman ako.

"Kapag d'yan na sina Keno, may kasama ka na sa baba mamaya... Sorry, my help will be needed here from time to time. Saka maghuhugas na rin ako ng mga ginamit sa kusina para 'di ako matambakan."

Nasa hallway na kami ng ikalawang palapag nila nang huminto siya sa tapat ng isang pinto. He gripped on the knob but wasn't able to twist it when I spoke.

"'Yung maputi na nasa tabi ng malaking vase n'yo sa baba, sobrang ganda niya..." wala sa sarili kong saad.

Napabaling siya sa akin at napatitig tila hindi maintindihan kung anong sinasabi ko. It took him time before he responded.

"Sobrang ganda... Sino? 'Yung makikita mo d'yan?"

Kumunot ang noo ko at sinundan ang tinuro niya. It was a full length mirror mounted on the wall of the hallway, beside it was the stylish rack of framed pictures.

Kita ko roon ang sarili ko at maging siya. I ignored my reflection and stared at his eyes in the mirror instead.

"Sa sarili mo ka tumingin."

But I stubbornly glued my gaze to his. Bumuntong hininga na lang siya at sinubukang buksan ang pinto kaso nabigo. Sumimangot siya at padabog na kumatok.

"Lagi na lang ganda ng iba nakikita mo," he said, with eyes set on the door while rapping on it. "Kailan mo makikita 'yung sa'yo?"