Chapter 17 #jttwbs

Suminghot ako at nanatiling nakaiwas ng tingin. I couldn't reply to his litanies. I just mopped the remnant of my tears with the back of my hand before I lent him my eyes.

"Sorry," mahinang sabi ko.

Naguguluhan niya akong tiningnan. "Para saan?"

"I didn't mean it, too. Na ibuhos sa'yo lahat ng narinig mo."

I looked away as soon as I finished my sentence. Nahihiya na ako ngayong nahimasmasan. I just dumped him my emotions out of the blue, didn't I? 

"Kung hindi sa'kin, kanino? Sa'kin na lang..." maagap niyang giit. "Naririnig naman kita. Makikinig ako. Lagi akong makikinig."

I scrunched my nose, wanting to stray from the current subject. "Wala ka bang panyo? Magpunas ka ng pawis mo."

Bigla siyang nairita. "Tang ina, naalala ko na naman." He scratched the back of his head. "Nawala ko sa daan ata o sa school. Armando Caruso pa man din."

"May tissue ako," I responded immediately. Dinukot ko ang box sa paper bag na bitbit at inabot sa kaniya saka iminuwestra ang mukha ko. "Mag-restroom lang din ako."

His nod was the last I saw before I turned my heels and went to the nearest restroom. Kalalapag ko lang ng bitbit sa lababo nang may kumatok sa bukas namang pinto. Si Fern ang namataan ko roon.

"Hi. May tao?" he asked aloud with eyes set outside like he's afraid he'd see something he shouldn't. His voice just echoed in the room.

"H-Huy?" nagtatanong kong tawag nang dumiretso siya sa loob ng banyo. Ng banyo na para sa mga babae.

He shrugged his shoulders. "Wala naman ibang tao."

He took off his backpack and dropped it on the sink beside my stuff. Kasunod ay inangat niya ang sarili upang makaupo sa lababo bago dalawang beses na humugot sa tissue box kong hawak niya.

But I was still startled so I remained staring at him. "Fern, baka may dumaang teachers o sina Sister at makita ka. Hintayin mo na lang ako sa... labas."

I nervously glanced at the doorway that fully revealed our current state to all the passerby. Pero gamit ang mahaba niyang binti, inabot niya lang ang pinto at itinulak ito pasara gamit ang kaniyang paa.

"Relax," he shushed me. Inginuso niya ang mga gamit ko. "Do your thing."

My stare lingered but he didn't budge a bit. In fact, he already started pulling more tissue papers from my box. 

Kahit kabado, hinarap ko na lang ang malaking salamin. Iniwas ko agad ang tingin ko sa sariling mukha sa salamin at yumuko na lang sa lababo. I turned on the faucet and scooped the streaming water with my hands for a while.

"Lift your head... Baby, don't be scared..."

Bahagya akong nanigas sa narinig. Mahina ang boses ngunit alam ko ang balak niyang gawin. If he continues, this would be the first time that I'm the... only audience. And the thoughts makes me feel something special.

"Of the things that could go wrong along the way... You'll get by with a smile... You can't win at everything, but you can try..."

Hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala pero nanahimik lang ako habang pareho kaming abala sa ginagawa. I'm washing off all the chemicals I dabbed on my face while he's drying his temples, neck, and nape... and singing.

His quiet crooning served as a background music while I recalled my breakdown. I know that his words meant well. Pero nadala talaga ako ng emosyon ko. Pakiramdam ko nga hindi lang iyon tungkol sa pageant. Pent-up thoughts na rin siguro.

"Ang init, amputa," reklamo ni Fern nang sandaling tumigil sa kinakanta.

He was wearing a red, checkered, short-sleeved button down shirt. His inner white shirt was seen because the outer clothing was fully unbuttoned. Pantalon na maong. Puting sapatos. Itim na baller bracelet. Mukhang wala pa siyang uniform ng bagong school.

Hinubad niya ang button down shirt dahil mukhang init na init. Barumbado niyang itinupi at ginamit pamaypay sa sarili.

Kinunutan niya ako ng noo. "Sa'n na nga 'ko?"

I creased my forehead too. "Huh? Ewan ko sa'yo."

"Ah... sa ano."

Nakatingala siyang nag-isip habang nagha-hum hanggang sa maalala.

"Baby, you don't have to worry... 'Cause there ain't no need to hurry... No one ever said that there's an easy way... When they're closing all their doors... And they don't want you anymore..."

I recalled how he supported me back there, reason why he didn't deserve to be the bag for my outburst punches. Mas nakonsensiya 'ko! 'Di ko talaga napigilan ang sarili ko kanina!

I breathed deeply. Itinago ko ang cleanser at cotton pads. Kinuha ko ang uniform ko sa paper bag at walang isang salita na pumasok ng cubicle upang makapagpalit ng damit.

"This sounds funny, but I'll say it anyway... Girl, I'll stay through the bad times... Even if I have to fetch you everyday... We'll get by with a smile... You can never be too happy in this life..."

Pagkalabas, naabutan ko si Fern na tinutugtog ang invisible na gitara habang kumakanta. Kumakapa pa siya ng tono sa hangin na animo'y inaalala ang tamang chords. I didn't point that out and finalized fixing my things.

I wetted my lips as my way of stalling when he's already just humming the rest of the song. Pero sa huli, napili kong ibunyag ang naglalaro pa rin sa isipan ko hanggang ngayon. Because it's really only him who can verify it.

"Fern?"

He looked at me immediately and attentively. "Hm?"

"Bandang ano... end of school year noong third year tayo." Nagbago agad ang timpla ng mukha niya sa panimula ko. "First time mo 'kong kinausap no'n. And, uhm, I'm wondering, was it a... dare?" I unconsciously whispered the word.

His now unfathomable gaze targeted the tiles as we fell silent. He then slid down from the sink and stood to wear his button down shirt again. As if preparing to leave.

"Bakit?" he asked, not even glancing at me.

"W-Wala naman. Natanong ko lang."

Dahil nakatagilid sa akin, nasubaybayan ko ang pagkuyom niya ng panga. Kagat ang ibabang labi nang hablutin ang backpack at isabit ito sa balikat bago ako hinarap ulit.

Sa wakas ay binalikan niya ako ng tingin. But his eyes are painfully different this time. I felt anxious because he's making me feel like I just stepped into a no-zone.

He just nodded his head at first. "Dare 'yon," he confirmed right in my face.

I stared at him as I tried to process what I heard. Hindi pa tuluyang naiintindihan ng utak ko, umaatras na siya palapit sa pintuan habang nagsasalita.

"Una na 'ko ah? May klase pa kasi ako ngayong araw eh," he said with his back facing me then he stepped out without my response.

Napakurap ako sa nakasarado nang pinto. Sabi ko na, eh... Napakaimposible talagang hindi dare 'yon. Caelan must've just forgotten about it, especially that he wasn't the one involved in the first place.

That's where my mind lingered the rest of the day. I honestly don't know how to feel about it. It was indeed despicable. But how Fern treats me now surfaces on my head.

If it would be any consolation... this, now, is all real and that we're truly friends already, right?

"Erisette Veraño!"

My shoulders jerked in surprise before I looked at Caelan, Keno, and Marion now walking alongside me in the hallway. Hindi ko manlang sila napansin!

"N-Nakakagulat naman kayo."

"Weh. Sabi ng 'di nagsasabi na sumali sa pageant."

Kaagad akong napabaling kay Keno. All of us four stopped from walking and stared at each other. They are with sulky eyes while I'm with dilated ones. Napalunok ako.

"S-Sinabi ni Fern?" tanong ko at isa-isa silang tiningnan. Nangako si Fern sa akin na wala siyang sasabihan. Bakit alam nila?

I realized it was my mistake to ask when Keno's lips formed into a real wide O as he looked betrayed. Ganoon din ang dalawa nang sipatin ko.

"Ah? Gano'n? Nagsasarili kayo," said Caelan.

"Nanood si Fern, Eri?" Keno asked.

"Nando'n siya no'n, Eri? Nanood?" si Caelan.

Nakatikom ang bibig nang tumango ako, dahilan ng paghalukipkip at kritikal na tingin ni Keno.

"Mga taksil," ani Marion.

"Paano n'yo nalaman?"

"Eh, friend ko 'yung isang sumali tapos nag-upload siya sa FB. Nakita kita sa pictures!" tunog naghihimutok na saad ni Keno.

I bit the insides of my cheeks while looking apologetically at each of them. "Sorry, nahihiya kasi ako. Kaya ayokong manood kayo."

"Nahiya ka pa sa'min!"

"Know what? Mabuti pa at sugurin na rin natin si Velicaria tutal nasa labas naman na daw. Isa siyang dakilang taksil."

"Tingnan mo 'yung isang 'yon. Medyo kanina pa tayong tatlo free pero ngayong dismissal lang ni Eri pumunta."

I eyed Caelan, taken aback. "Fern's here?"

Marion nodded too quickly. "Ipakikilala na raw sa'tin nililigawan niyang babae ngayon eh."

Oh right, four days after our conversation in the women's restroom, he had someone he's courting in his school. Kina Caelan niya lang nabanggit at sa kanila ko lang narinig.

Nagulat kami roon. Kasi wala namang nakuwento si Fern noong magkakasama kami. Pero baka hindi lang siya ang tipo na nagsasabi ng ganoon kung wala pa. Now that he's making a move, courting the girl, he informed his friends.

Pero sina Caelan lang ang nasabihan niya at sa kanila ko lang nasagap ang balita. Kaibigan niya rin ako... 'di ba?

"Tara, tara," si Keno sa naiinip na tono at hinila ako sa palapulsuhan. Caelan and Marion just kept up with our pace.

I was actually heading to Camara but I got curious with Fern and the girl that interests him these days so I let Keno drag me out of the school. Ite-text ko na lang si Rara tutal nasa klase pa siya ayon sa reply kanina.

Napabulalas sila matapos ang panay paglingon upang makita si Fern. Sabay-sabay kaming natigilang sugurin si Fern nang mapagtanto ang suot ng kaibigan.

"Naks! Kapitan in the making!" sigaw ni Marion dahil sa distansiya namin.

 "Yabang, ah!" komento ni Caelan nang tuluyan kaming lumapit.

Nahinto si Fern sa pagsubo ng siomai at napatingin sa amin. He's now wearing his uniform as a maritime student... which spectacularly looked great on him. He appears inexplicably neat with that all white fit and a black handbag.

Bachelor of Science in Marine Transportation. Kaya isang malaking barko na nakalayag sa karagatan ang iginuhit niya sa MAPEH na nakita ko rin kinabukasan noon. He aspires to be a seaman because he wants to follow his father's steps, according to him.

"Parang sasampa ka na ng barko, ah!" Keno remarked.

Makapal ang mukhang inagaw niya ang pagkain ni Fern at siya ang sumubo ng huling siomai. Humigop siya ng kaunting sawsawan saka itinapon ang lalagyan at stick.

"Damot mo naman! Isa na lang naman 'yon, may kagat pa?!" Keno defensively exclaimed when he realized that Fern was glaring at him.

"Nasaan na 'yung babae mo?"

"Maka-babae ka," sita ni Fern kay Marion kaya humupa ang masama niyang tingin kay Keno. "Nililigawan. Mas maganda pakinggan."

"Edi nililigawan! Nasa'n na nga? Kala 'ko ipakikilala mo?"

Umumbok ang tikom na bibig ni Fern nang pasadahan ng dila ang ngipin sa loob. "Oo nga. Isasama ko dapat kaso may gagawin daw, eh. Pero tingin ko, nahihiya lang."

"'Ba naman 'yan."

"Papangit n'yo kasi, ayaw kayong makilala," biro ni Fern sa seryosong tono.

"Eri, oh. Payag ka n'on—"

"Maliban sa kanya."

Only then that my eyes and Fern's met each other since that confirmation in the restroom last week. Iyon ang huli naming usap na dalawa. Kasi hindi siya nag-text o chat mula noon at wala rin naman akong sasabihin.

"Sarap tumiwalag sa tropahan na 'to kung puro favoritism lang."

Fern chuckled. "Saka na kapag 'di na siya busy o nahihiya."

"Aha! Bago magkalimutan, 'tol! Eri! Ba't nga nagsarili kayo no'ng pageant?!"

"Oh, come on now, I'll treat you all. H'wag na kayo magtampo," I immediately offered along with Fern's surprise about their awareness. I shook my head at him to let him know that I wasn't blaming him for it.

Natahimik ang tatlo at natulala sa akin. Napakurap-kurap pa ang mga mata ni Keno. Nagdasal naman ako sa loob ko na sana sapat na iyon para manahimik sila.

"When? Ngayon?" Marion's eyebrows bobbed up and down as he showed me a flashy grin.

Kumibit balikat ako. "Kayo bahala."

Kung may mga taong ipagpapabukas ang libre... Hindi sina Marion iyon. Kaya sama-sama kaming umabante ng hakbang habang nagdedesisyon kung saan ko nga sila ililibre.

Hindi pa kami nakakalayo sa school nang nakasalubong si Kiel na taliwas sa amin, mukhang pabalik naman doon. It's only me whom he smiled and jerked his chin at since he wasn't acquainted with them. 

Sinuklian ko rin ito ng kiming ngiti. Kasabay ng napansing sulyap ni Fern sa mukha ko.

"'Yung ka-partner mo 'yun no'n, 'di ba?" tanong niya sa akin, nakalingon na sa likod dahil sinundan ang paglagpas ni Kiel.

"Oo, si Zarkiel. Transferee."

Matipid lang siyang tumango. 

Fern and I were alongside each other while Caelan, Keno, and Marion were trailing behind us. But we were still in one conversation despite that.

They kept on bugging Fern about his special someone and we were blessed with a detail that she's her buddy, which is their degree program's jargon. Pinagkuwento rin namin siya ng tungkol sa bago niyang school at kung kumusta siya roon.

Nasa main road na kami ng siyudad nang banggitin ni Marion ang isang pizza parlor na siyang pinuntahan namin. Nilibre ko sila at hinatid nila ako pagkatapos.  I'd be sent at our house's gate if I didn't insist that only at the gate of our subdivision.

Unsurprisingly, I didn't gain any friends in our block as weeks went on. 

Si Kiel ang madalas kong makausap ngunit hindi iyong tipo na sobrang malapit. He also didn't belong to any group even though some always approach him. It's noticeably by his choice... to not have a constant college circle.

I creased my forehead when I noticed how he was leaning closer to me... and sniffing. "Ano'ng ginagawa mo?"

I do think we're not close but there are just certain times that he acts like we are. Hindi naman sa ayaw ko niyon, ang ayaw ko lang ay ang mag-akala at walang mapala sa dulo.

"Sorry, baby—este Eri!"

"H-Huh?"

Maloko siyang ngumiti. "Wala, amoy baby ka kasi," he explained then laughed lightly.

"Ah..." I exhaled the response. "That's because I used a baby cologne."

Naubos ko na kasi iyong perfume na galing sa package ng mommy ni Ashtine lalo at maliit lang din naman iyon. I saw a spare baby cologne in my room and decided to empty it first before I grab a new fragrance.

"Kayo riyan," our group mate called us out and we both riveted our attention back to them. "May inako na ba kayong part?"

Nasa isang bilog kami ng upuan na magkakagrupo habang nagpupulong tungkol sa itinakdang mga paksa sa amin. It all revolved around national history because we were having a reporting in one of our general education course.

After a while, soft knocks broke the silence in our classroom. I knitted my eyebrows at the sight of Frensha in her highschool uniform... and eyes roaming until it stopped at me.

"Hello po! Excuse po kay Ate Erisette," she told our professor politely.

Our professor just gave me a look. I hurriedly pulled myself up and went to Fern's youngest sibling even if I was clueless. Matamis siyang ngumiti nang magkatapat kami ilang hakbang lang mula sa labas ng pintuan.

"Hi..." bati ko na lumutang sa ere nang abutan niya ako ng maliit na glass jar. "Ano 'to?"

She set both her hands behind her making her shoulders perked up as she explained, "Watermelon jam ni Kuya Ford, Ate! It was one of their activities."

Mabagal akong tumango. "Para... saan 'to?"

"No one in the house is interested eh. Kuya Fern said you like watermelon and I was asked to give it to you."

"Hala," mahinang sambit ko, nakaramdam ng hiya. "T-Thank y—"

"Nope, nope!" she pre-empted with encircling eyes. "Tikman mo muna bago thank you! Remember, it's Kuya Ford's..." she whispered then covered her mouth as she giggled.

I actually met her halfway but I didn't know how to fix my expression and construct a verbal response. Mabuti ay hindi naman siya mukhang naghintay ng sagot ko.

"Pinasasabi nga rin pala ni Kuya Fern na dadaan daw siya rito mamaya. Hintayin n'yo raw po siya nina Kuya Caelan."

"Gano'n ba? Sige," tanging sagot ko. I raised the watermelon jam which didn't have any label sticked to the glass jar. "Thanks again for this."

Natatawa siyang tumango habang nakatingin sa jam. His brother, Ford, might really have poor skills for this, huh? But even if the taste wouldn't impress my tongue, I'm still deeply moved to have this.

Kumaway na lang siya bilang paalam. I watched her anchor her arm around her friend's before they disappeared in our hallway, and only then I claimed back my seat beside Kiel.

Our meeting concluded with a group study after school. I grabbed my cellphone as soon as we were dismissed and sent Fern texts.

Me:
Hi! Nabanggit ni Frensha.

Me:
Kaso hindi ako makakasabay sa inyo kasi may pupuntahan ako. :(

I was about to type again not until I saw my reflection on the screen because the screen went blackout. Idedetalye ko kasi sana kung saan kaso ayos na rin iyong nasabi ko na hindi ako makakasama sa kanila.

Puno ang mga saksakan kaya itinago ko na lang ang drained kong cellphone. Nang uwian ay sama-sama kaming bumiyahe tungo sa Robinsons at nahinto sa isang coffee shop kung saan lang ako nakapagsaksak.

Fern:
Uwian ko na. San punta mo?

That was Fern's text an hour ago. I only got the chance to see because I just checked my cellphone.

Isang oras na kaming nagbabasa at nagbabahagi ng mga ideya. Pero ang totoo, sila lang ang may malalalim na ambag. Puro kasi mabababaw lang ang kaya kong ibahagi. Kahit anong piga ko sa utak ko... wala talaga, eh.

Me:
Rob. Nakauwi na kayo?

Binunot ko na ang cellphone ko sa saksakan at itinabi na sa akin sa mesa. It took Fern's reply almost thirty minutes.

Fern:
Mag-isa ka? Nandito kami sa labas malapit sa exit.

Me:
Why? May gagawin kayo?

Fern:
Oo sinusundo ka :D

My lips pulled apart. Pauuwiin ko sana sila sa text kaso nakaramdam ako ng guilt kaya tumayo na lang ako at nagpaalam sa mga kasama na may kikitain sandali.

"Hey, amoy-baby!" Nilingon ko si Kiel na humabol sa akin. "Sama ako! I feel like my brain's soon to collapse. I need a fucking break, ya know?" he said like he just pulled out his voice from Manila.

"S-Sige. Ikaw bahala."

Nakailang lingon ako pagkalabas bago ko namataan si Fern na nakatayo habang nakaupo sa mga sakong niya si Caelan hindi kalayuan sa exit ng mall. 

Fern's eyes were already set on me as if he'd been monitoring the exit, awaiting my appearance. But there was an something with his unreadable gaze that bothered me a little.

"Ba't 'di pa kayo umuuwing dalawa?" bungad kong tanong.

Both of them were still in a school get-up, but only with their undershirts. If I'm not mistaken, it's almost seven in the evening. Dapat nakauwi na sila nito! O nakauwi na ba? Nasaan ang polo uniforms at backpacks? Iniwan sa kung saan?

"Nag-comp shop kami," Caelan answered and pulled himself up from the ground. "Tagal mo nag-reply eh." He glanced at Kiel who's silently watching us.

"Ano, eh... Hindi pa kasi kami tapos... You both should go home and rest. Uhm, salamat sa pagsundo sana—"

"Okay," sagot ni Fern kaya bumaling ako sa kanya. His body's already turned to Caelan. "Tara na, Visa."

Parang hindi iyon inasahan ni Caelan kaso mukhang ubos na ang enerhiya niya ngayong araw at gusto na ring umuwi. Tinanguan niya na lang ako.

"Sige, Eri, una na kami ni Fern. Ingat ka pauwi, ah."

"Kayo rin."

I tried to meet Fern's eyes but it's suddenly impossible now that he's already walking away with Caelan catching his pace. Hinintay ko siyang lumingon saglit. Pero hindi niya ginawa.