Chapter 13 #jttwbs

My heart kept on rattling inside my chest the whole time his name was flashing on my screen. Isang beses niya lang sinubukan ang tawag at chat na lang uli ang kasunod.

Fern Velicaria:
Galit ka ba? Na 18 minutes akong late reply?

Nabasa ko agad ang bago niyang chat. He waited and I didn't mean for him to do that. Hindi ko lang talaga alam ang isasagot ko. I was under a mental block!

Fern Velicaria:
Sorry na uy

I squeezed my eyes close. I opened it again while heaving a sigh to soothe my insides that had gone mad a while ago.

Iova Erisette Veraño:
Hala hindi ako galit!

Iova Erisette Veraño:
Tumawag lang kasi si Rara.

He didn't have to know that I intentionally just watched his incoming call until it ended. Hindi lang kasi ako sanay na may ibang makausap sa tawag bukod kay Camara at sa mga kaibigan namin. In addition, he's a male.

I am already sort of comfortable with Fern... Yes, but just to an extent. I guess, a phone call with him is not yet included in the package.

Fern Velicaria:
Ah hahaha. Sorry.

Fern Velicaria:
Pero sa new year, aagahan ko. Mamalasin buong taon at susunod na taon maunang babati sakin. Bawal akong unahan.

Iova Erisette Veraño:
Haha we'll see

Lagot si Camara, I thought.

Pagkatapos ng maiksi lang namang chat namin ni Fern, nagpaalam siya dahil kailangan siya sa bahay nila upang kumilos.

In just a short span, I came to notice that he's too domestic and he does household chores. Siguro kasi siya ang panganay sa kanilang magkakapatid saka nanibago lang din ako na lalaki siyang ganoon... at hindi babae.

Hindi na rin iyon nasundan. We didn't talk after that... the next day... and the next.

"I'm gonna miss you, Mamala," I mumbled with my breaking voice. I was leaning on the door frame of her bedroom located on the ground floor of our house.

Mula sa inaayos niyang bag, tiningnan niya ako ng nakatawa. "Ano ka ba! Babalik din naman ako pagkatapos ng New Year, ah!"

Mas lalo lang akong napanguso sa lungkot. Gusto kong hilingin na makasama siya sa New Year. But that would be selfish of me. She can choose to celebrate in her hometown with her own kin.

Dito naman na siya noong Christmas, eh. If not for Mamala, I wouldn't feel the spirit of it. Maybe I should just hope for the best for New Year... even though I already had a hunch of its woeful outcome. For me.

Pinilit kong kunin ang nag-iisang bag na impake ni Mamala at sinamahan siya palabas ng bahay. I shoved it in the backseat of Daddy's awaiting vehicle. Hinintay kong makapasok si Mamala sa loob bago ako sumampa sa harapan.

"Mga anong oras na ho kayo makakarating sa Liminangcong niyan, Manang?" tanong ni Daddy habang kinakandado ko ang aking seatbelts.

"Depende, Ian... Hindi naman ako gagabihin."

"Kailan naman ang balik n'yo niyan dito?"

Natulala lang ako sa mga nadadaanan sa labas. It was December 28 and we were sending the closest family member I have to the pick-up place of a van off to her hometown somewhere in the north. I have only been there twice when I was a kid.

Hindi kami magkadugo ni Mamala, kahit sa malayong aspeto. Pero sa ginawa niyang pag-aalaga at trato sa akin mula noon, itinuturing ko na siya bilang kapamilya ko. That's why it made me so unhappy to send her off.

She was going to celebrate with her extended family only, because my Mamala is unwedded despite being in her early 50s. There's nothing wrong with that, especially if that's her own choice and preference.

Naririnig ko kasi si Mamala na may katelebabad. Might be her relatives or friends. Palagi siyang pinipilit na mag-asawa na dahil hindi raw normal iyang sa ganiyang edad na ako lang ang inaasikaso nito at hindi ang sariling pamilya.

May mga sitwasyon kasi na tulad niyan ang madalas tingnan ng iba bilang hindi karaniwan. That said, others make these things seem strange. But just because something is unusual to you, doesn't mean it generally is.

I jutted out my lips realizing how I was beginning to get aggressive in my thoughts. I really have so much going on inside this head but I just imprison them there.

Dahil siguro nga... ang mga isipin ay hanggang sa isipan lamang talaga. It's either not everyone has the golden voice or not everyone has the nerve to voice out their thoughts. And I'm just unfortunate to be on both sides.

Pero minsan naiisip ko, kaninong kasalanan o kagagawan kung bakit ganoon? Sa akin ba? Ako ba? Siguro oo. Siguro hindi.

At sa walang katapusan kong pagpuno ng mga isipin sa isipan ko, hindi ko gaanong namalayan na sumapit na ang New Year. Hindi ko namalayan... o hindi ko lang talaga naramdaman.

"Ano gusto mong pasalubong, Eri? Ha?"

I grinned like a victorious dog. "Sigurado kang tinatanong mo 'ko, Kuya? Ha?"

Kuya Drith raised an eyebrow without speaking. He looked like he was sensing if he was touching a danger zone. I burst into fits of laughter which made him frown, though the glimpse of relief was visible.

"Thought you're gonna ask for something ridiculous."

"Hindi naman. Kabado masyado 'to!" I teased and he made faces. "Payagan mo nang mag-boyfriend si Camara, 'yun na lang." Kahit na nagka-boyfriend naman na si Camara. Patago nga lang lahat.

"Kapag meron nang deserve siya," aniya. "Ikaw rin," he added and eyed me warningly.

"Of all her many suitors, you still don't see a deserving one? Kahit isa?!" I burst out, ignoring what he added about me because having someone interested in me is next to impossible.

He shook his head with his deep-set eyes shut. "Uhuh. Wala kahit isa," mariin niyang sinabi sa paraan na walang makatitibag.

"Hoy, Kuya! What are you two talking about behind my back?!" singit ng boses ni Camara.

Kasunod ay pinalitan ng mukha niya ang mukha ni Kuya Drith sa screen. There were no much of  changes because they almost looked exactly alike. Just that they were male and female version or older and younger version of each other.

"Eri! Sorry, I grabbed some Churros!" she exclaimed and showed me the food. "Tell me, did Kuya stab me in the back? Come on, I'm your best girl here! Expose him!"

My eyes were glued on her background where a mega influx of people was happening. I could spot a drizzle of sweat forming on Camara's face. They were currently at the central square of Madrid. Lumipad kasi sila ng Spain pagkatapos ng Christmas.

"Kuya, what did you tell Eri?! Ang sabi ko, kausapin mo lang habang wala kami ni Ate Chett!"

"I didn't ruin your image or something. H'wag ka na ngang dumagdag sa ingay ng mga tao," ang naiiritang tinig ni Kuya Drith.

"He's telling the truth, Ra... So! Musta ang Puerta del Sol?"

Her eyes squinted at first as she refused to believe. Later on, her eyes went back to normal and toured me around through the video chat. It's not their annual tradition to welcome the New Year at the central square but they do it often.

"Nothing different," she answered nonchalantly, focusing the lens back to her face that screams how Spanish she is. "Sabi ko sama ka this year, e!"

"Expenses. 'Di papayag sina Mommy."

She did a farting sound through her mouth. "It's on me! Flight tickets lang naman! Settled na accommodation mo. Ano, next year?" She even winked yet there was no effect.

"Expired ang passport ko."

"Renew it! Duh!"

"Rara..." I uttered her name with menace. Bumusangot siya kaya nauwi na lang ako sa buntong hininga. "Fine, I will think about it." Para lang matuldukan na ang pamimilit!

Ayokong hingian sina Mommy ng gastos. Kahit pa sinabi rin ni Camara na libre, nakakahiya pa rin naman lalo na sa pamilya nila. The Centenarios are Spanish descendants and even my best friend was born there only to be raised here... which is why I'm too grateful.

Nilamon tuloy ako ng konsensiya noong tuwang-tuwa na tumili at tumalon si Camara. Bahala na ang magiging dahilan ko. I still have a year to collect reasons.

"Lo siento, Señora," I heard Kuya Drith's polite and apologetic voice. "Camara!" matigas niyang banggit sa pangalan ng kapatid.

May nabunggo yata kasi si Kuya nang hindi sinasadyang naitulak ni Camara. I watched them call a truce in Southwestern Europe while being zipped lips in Southeast Asia. Hinarap na ulit ako ni Camara sa screen matapos nilang magkaayos.

"Ayun, Eri..." she trailed off, remembering where she left off. "Kami-kami lang ulit. Oldies stayed at home and we're going back there after the countdown here. Ikaw? Ba't tahimik?"

Napatingin ako sa halos multuhin nang bahay kung hindi lang sa ingay na mula sa telebisyon. I feigned a cough. "Umuwi sa kanila si Mamala."

"Yeah, but Tita Erenea and Tito Ian?"

"Still out. Uhm... Uuwi rin naman."

Out for dinner celebration with colleagues and their families actually. In other words, I was to be approached by the new year alone in this almost spooky house.

"Oh, alright. Si Lio naman tatawagan ko!" Sumabog ang haliparot niyang bungisngis. "Bye, my best girl! Happy New Year!"

A vivid memory squirted in my head. Oh, shit. Mamalasin si Camara buong taon at sa susunod. Napailing ako habang nakangiti. That was surely just an empty curse.

I plonked on the couch and focused on the television airing a countdown show live at the seaside boulevard of SM MOA. Sa Eastwood naman sa kabilang channel. Both live shows featuring Philippine actors were happening in Manila.

Pagkatingin ko sa cellphone ko, nakita kong may kapapasok lang na chat ni Fern. Huli naming usap ay noong Christmas pa na nagpaalam siyang magiging abala sa bahay nila.

Fern Velicaria:
Huwag kang papasok sa CR ninyo ng December 31, 11:59 PM and 59 seconds. Kasi paglabas mo niyan, next year na!

My nose twitched as I restrained myself from laughing. Damang-dama ko sana iyong paninindak sa chat niya kung hindi lang sa laman mismo nito.

And I know it's a generic message. I received exactly the same from Kuya Avier too. Nakita ko ring status ng iilan kong Facebook friends.

Iova Erisette Veraño:
Hahahaahahha

Fern Velicaria:
Yon online!

Fern Velicaria:
Papunta kami nina Caelan sa baywalk.

My eyebrows knitted at first then I realized that it was probably about the fireworks display. Hindi pa man ako nakakasagot, may bagong chat na siya ulit.

Fern Velicaria:
Gusto mong sumama? Sunduin kita?

I almost choked on my saliva. Hindi niya naman alam kung saan ang bahay namin... Pero maaari niya namang itanong. It's just that the truth was, I wouldn't be comfortable to join him and his circle.

Iova Erisette Veraño:
Hindi na ako pwede lumabas eh.

Fern Velicaria:
Sayang. But understandable :D

I chose not to reply anymore. He didn't send another chat too. Nanahimik ang cellphone ko at ganoon naman talaga ang normal na estado nito.

Pinagtyagaan ko ang TV habang kumakain ng kanin at roasted chicken na iniwan ni Daddy kanina. May iniwan din silang isang box ng chiffon cake. I also received a maja blanca and a gelatine dessert from the house adjacent to ours.

Pwede na 'yon, kasi ang iba nga walang makain...

But it wasn't that. It wasn't what I was mainly concerned about. It was the fact that I desired being alone at times... but not at certain moments like this.

Para bang pasan ko ang buong mundo habang nag-aabang sa panibagong yugto ang lahat. Given that there was a massive population inhabiting in this planet and everyone pivoted their weight on me... it was heavy as hell.

Pumatak ang aking luha na muntik pang bendisyunan ang kinakain ko. Parang nalulon ko ng buo ang mansanas sa mesa dulot ng tila masakit na bara na namuo sa lalamunan ko.

Again, Erisette, aren't you used to it? You are. Be reminded. You are.

Pinahiran ko ang tumakas na likido at suminghap ng hangin. Pinukol ko muli sa telebisyon ang atensiyon nang simulan na ng mga artista na sabay-sabay bilangin ang paglipas ng mga segundo. Even the crowd was counting along with them.

I pacified myself for a little while before I headed upstairs. I rushed to my room and slid the door before I stepped on my balcony. Doing so, the countdown went out of earshot.

May mga nauna nang paputok ngunit nang mas dumagsa at lumala ang alingawngaw ng mga obra na isinaboy ng lahat sa madilim na kalangitan, alam kong iyon na.

I wore a small smile while watching the masterpieces across the vast sky. "Happy New Year, Erisette," I greeted myself on time.

I stayed and waited for the rampage above to lessen before I went back downstairs. May chat ulit si Fern sa akin at isa iyong voice record.

"Happy New Yearrrrrrr," nagpahabaan ang boses ng mga lalaki kasama ang sunod-sunod na mga pagputok sa background hanggang sa may umubo at naghalakhakan. Inaasar nila iyong umubo na mahina.

I knew Fern was the one who coughed. "Ina n'yo," anang boses nito. Humina ang tawanan ng mga kaibigan niya tila ba lumayo siya ng pwesto.

"Happy New Year, Erisette," he gently greeted, followed by a dead air from his end. He cleared his throat then the record ended. Nag-reply lang ako ng greeting ko.

Ilang araw lang matapos ang pagdiriwang ng New Year, nakabalik na si Mamala. Pinabalik na muli kami sa pangalawa naming tahanan.

Nakauwi na rin sina Camara kaso wala siya ngayon sa room dahil kasama ang ipinakilalang Lio mula sa section nina Keno. They were probably roaming around or nesting somewhere as the newest lovebirds of the campus.

Pagkumpleto sa mga naging simbang gabi ang paksa na narinig ko sa iilang kaklase. Pero ang nalalapit na retreat ang lubos na umaangkin sa entablado.

"Naks naman, Eri! Medyo nabawasan, ah?" Akmang hahawakan ni Luis ang baba ko kaya iniwas ko ang mukha ko. "Patingin lang, e!" natatawa niyang sabi.

"Oy, Tribales! 'Wag mo ngang inaano 'yang tropa namin!" singit ni Keno na nasa classroom na naman namin, walang bago.

"Who?" Luis asked, then he looked at me in disbelief. "Itong si Erisette?"

"Bakit? Inano niya?" another voice interrupted us. Si Fern na kararating lang at kalalapag lang ng bag sa upuan. Malamlam ang mga mata niyang nakatuon kay Luis.

"Ayan, 'tol! Pinagti-trip-an na naman," sumbong ni Keno.

Fern's facial expression hardened. If I wasn't just seeing things, his jaw tightened. He held Luis' gaze even though he asked Keno again. "He did what?"

"Eh, 'yung ano..." nag-aalinlangan na magpaliwanag si Keno. He glanced at me shyly. "Tina-target na naman pimples ni Eri..."

It was followed by Luis' sigh. "You guys are friends now? Ah, ewan ko sa inyo! Bunch of weirdos!" singhal niya at naiiling na pumunta na lang sa mga kaibigan sa harapan.

Fern's brooding orbs sent Luis off. At saka niya lang ibinaling ang mga mata sa bag na inayos niya na ng pagkakalapag. Inakbayan naman siya ni Marion.

"Ba't ka late?"

Fern rubbed his earlobe. "Tagal gumising ni Ford saka mag-ayos ni Frensha. Naglakad lang din kami. Ginipit ng Pasko saka New Year, e." He chuckled.

He walked towards Caelan who was sitting beside me. Nagtinginan lang sila at sa isang iglap, si Fern na ang katabi ko. Magkakausap na sina Caelan sa kabila ni Fern.

"Good morning," he greeted me with a boyish smile.

I returned his smile, only that mine was frail. "Sasama ka na sa retreat?"

Hindi tulag noong Pasko, nagkausap ulit kami matapos ang batian noong New Year dahil nag-chat ulit siya. Hindi kami buong araw magkausap. Pero araw-araw.

His teeth dug on his bottom lip. "I really can't..." aniya na sinabi niya na rin sa akin sa chat. "Kung libre sana, kaso may bayad." He chuckled.

"Sayang naman..." mahinang sabi ko.

Halos sabay kasi ang school field trip at retreat na exclusive lang talaga sa year level namin. Actually, we can avail both of the outdoor activity but field trip is not that mandated for us. Iyong retreat din naman ngunit siyempre... bilang graduating students na rin.

"Sabihin mo na lang kasi kina Ford, ibigay na sa'yo 'to! Hindi yearly ang retreat, compared sa fieldtrip, 'no," Keno interfered. Fern and I simultaneously looked at them.

"Right," Caelan agreed. "'Wag mong palagpasin 'to, Fern. Lagot ka kay Lord."

Tumawa si Fern. "Maiintindihan ako ni Lord," he stated, seizing a laughter from our throats.

Iyong sobra raw kasing pera nila, sapat lang pambayad sa fieldtrip ng dalawa niyang kapatid. I already told him that retreat is not annual so he should choose himself. Kaso gusto raw nina Frensha ang location ng fieldtrip ngayong taon kaya 'yon...

Sa retreat lang ako nagbayad dahil doon lang ako sasali. Camara kept on enticing me to join the field trip too. Sasama kasi si Lio kaya sasama siya roon. Humindi ako. Dagdag gastos lang kasi nina Mommy sa akin. Kaya huwag na.

"Hi. Buti nasagot mo na." Fern chuckled over the phone on the first day of our retreat.

Hindi tulad noong unang beses, sinubukan ko nang sagutin ang tawag ng lalaki. But to undergo the sweating of palms and the heart skipping a beat was what I had to conquer first. Not to mention that I was still antsy even after accepting the call.

Binilin niya rin kasi noong nakaraan sa school na magpapa-load siya at tatawag sa akin. Because truly, he sacrificed our retreat, so he's absent here. Nakakabalisa rin naman kung sinabi niya iyon tapos hindi ko sasagutin ang tawag.

"Huh? Ah... Sorry, nasa biyahe kasi kanina. It will be hard to talk." And it will be too awkward for the others in the vehicle to hear how I talk with him.

"Hm. Sa'n na kayo niyan?" he asked in a gentle voice.

"Nakababa na... Papasok na sa retreat house..."

"Oh? Marami ka bang dala? Tawagin mo sina Keno. Pabitbit mo sa kanila."

"H-Hindi na. Kaunti lang naman. Saka may dala rin sila..."

Narinig ko siyang bumuntong hininga. "So... Pa'no? Kukunin gadgets n'yo, 'di ba?"

"Yup. Uh... Mag-aayos na rin kami."

"Tsk." Matagal siyang nanahimik. "Okay."

"Okay..."

"Sige, Eri. Bye na muna."

Muntik nang madulas sa kamay ko ang aking cellphone nang mabungaran ng titig ni Camara. Nakadikit sa kaniya si Lio kaya damay rin ito na nanonood sa akin. Sa kaba ko sa tawag ni Fern, nakalimutan ko sila! Did they watch me the whole time?! Shit!

Pero ilang saglit lang, nginitian ako ni Camara at inaya nang sumunod sa lahat.

"Maghanda na kayo ng mga sarili," saad ng facilitator matapos naming ilagay ang mga cellphone sa inilahad niyang kahon. She left us as soon as our room was free of gadgets.

Mabuti nga't nakapili kami ng makakasama sa kuwarto, basta ba mga babaeng kaklase rin. Kasama ko siyempre ang best friend ko at iyong iba niya ring kaibigan.

"Sinong kausap mo kanina? Si Fern?" My eyes automatically landed on Camara when she talked. She was fixing her clothes on her designated bed.

And I thought she was going to let it slide. Rara naman, oh!

"Fern... He's nice," ani Camara nang tumango ako.

"He's responsible most especially when their finance went on the rocks. Bumaba kasi ng barko ang Papa nila nung nagkasakit. Sunod-sunod na family issues. Instant upgrade to father figure ang role niya sa bahay nila kahit sa marangyang buhay siya lumaki."

"He's really nice." Ibinaba niya ang damit na tinutupi upang tingnan ako. "He doesn't choose gender for friends. He's close with other girls, too. You might mistake his treatment as something... opposite to what it really means to him."

Just right on time, Trina's group came in with their loud chattering. Nanggaling sila sa pag-iikot sa buong retreat house at mukhang naibigay na rin ang mga dalang gadgets. Sila rin ang dahilan ng pagtahimik ni Camara.

I wasn't able to contain the awkwardness engulfing my system. Lalo't halatang hinihintay ng kaibigan ang sagot ko. Hindi ko rin alam. Parang hindi ako sanay at naiilang ako. 'Yan na naman, Eri... Tame your thoughts! There's... nothing!

I left our room without saying anything.

"Si Erisette, tingnan-tingnan n'yo." Natigilan ako sa hallway nang marinig ang boses ni Caelan. "Bilin ni Fern na bantayan."

I stopped in my tracks. Hindi ako tumuloy na lumiko sa may exit kung saan hula kong kinaroroonan nila.

"Naks! Alagang-alaga!" si Keno. "Sigurado bang tropahan lang 'yan?"

"Tingin ko naman," said Marion's voice. "Inaasar ko lang minsan kasi cute din sila."

"Oo, Keno. Si Fern mismo nagsabi na magkaibigan lang sila ni Eri," sagot ni Caelan. "Saka parang 'di n'yo naman kilala 'yung kaibigan n'yo..."