This is gonna be a long rant so-
Trigger Warning: depression and stuff.

First. I'm super disappointed in myself. I'll tell you all the real reason why I wrote my book. So I had three best friends on Potterhood. They all were my first ever online besties. We all used to Rp and it was amazing. Soon we lost contact but I managed to find two of them. The third one. Her pen name was Ama always wanted to write a book about all four of us. Like she would talk about it all the time. So yeah I decided to write it just for her. My other bestie Marie encouraged me to write it. But idk anymore. There are multiple questions in my mind "why am I still writing it?" "is it even good?" "I'm sure people are reading it just to make me happy". Now I feel like I should never even began writing at first place.

Second. I feel so numb. I can't even cry anymore....I'm so sad that all I do is just sit in my room blankly but no tears though I'm tearing up from the inside. I have so many insecurities. My friends here keep saying that I can rant to them but do you all honestly think I'll message you "Hey! I'm sad..make me happy" no I just can't. I am not okay. I was never okay. Everyday I keep telling myself to stay strong. I think of suicide all the time. Sometimes my friends (yes both online and irl ones) say stuff which breaks me so much but I cannot tell them cause oh I'm an evil bitch and I hurt them when they have been doing the same from ages. Life doesn't gets better...what people actually mean is You'll just get used to it. I wish I was never born in the first place.  I just don't know anymore. I'm worthless,selfish,ugly,piece of shit. Yeah don't worry about me I'm fine.