It isn't exactly prom. Going to prom is typically American and we're not in the US, so... it isn't exactly prom. In fact, it is just a random balldance thing. The headmaster has decided to try something new and this is the outcome. Actually, I need to say I liked the idea of going to "not exactly prom" at first. But when I was halfway through the movie "Mean Girls" and Janice was dancing with Damian, I suddenly realized that I needed a male partner to go there. And there's the problem: No male creature would EVER ask me out on... well, anything. Not on a date, not to have a "not date" dinner and DEFINITELY NOT to "not exactly prom". Even imagining that anyone would ask me out is utterly ridiculous. Boys either don't like my bluntness and sarcastic being or they friendzone me. Yep, that's right. Men can friendzone women, too. Which makes everything even more complicated. Because...
Well, being completely honest, I need to admit that there is a special someone in my life. He just doesn't know anything about my feelings towards him. Yet. Not that he would ask me to go to "not exactly prom" with him if he knew about my feelings. I think it'd just fuck up our friendship if I told him, that's why I rather keep it to myself. And until now, it worked fine. More or less. If there weren't these stirrings in my chest whenever he'd look at me, whenever he'd smile at me. If there wasn't this urge to take his hand and caress his thumb with mine whenever he'd stand next to me. Every day, I crave being with him. And every day, I accept that we are only friends, if even that.

"Anaïs!" Oh fuck. I turn around, face to face with... what is he to me actually? My crush? A good friend? A random classmate? I put on a smile. "Xavier." I don't want to look into his eyes because I already know that whenever I do, I start to smile stupidly for no reason. So I avoid any eye contact and rather focus on the zipper of my jacket. "Uh, how was your day?" I ask uncomfortably. "Fine actually. Monsieur Gardinière nearly lost it during Physics but what shall I say, he fails at his job anyway..." Xavier shrugs. "Be careful, gossip girl, he might stand right next to you any moment..." I laugh. He smiles and then pretends to be shocked. "My apologies, Monsieur! I totally forgot my manners! Let me suffer in purgatory for this huge disrespect!" "Aren't his classes already like purgatory?" I ask because they definitely are for me, but Xavier simply shakes his head. "Actually he's very good at Physics. Like, he has a passion for this subject and he really makes one understand and it's fun. But his problem is that he just can't deal with teenagers." It's fun. I'll never understand how Physics can be fun. On the other hand I totally get why he likes Physics that much. If I had his talent for calculating and Physics and if I had his grades, I would probably love it too. "By the way, whatcha think 'bout this whole balldance thing?" Xavier wants to know. Unsure of what to reply, it's my time to shrug now. "I'm not going." I finally say, looking directly into his eyes. I'm honest and he knows it. "Why not?" he asks. Right, he must think I liked balldances since I love dancing. "Well, I don't have a... significant other to go with." I state. "Oh." Please, just ask me out. Please. Dear Lord, please let him ask me whether I wanted to be his date. I promise I won't fall asleep the next time we're in church if you make him ask me...! "Uh... I'm going." Xavier says without even blushing. "Uh... Great." I manage to say. Gosh, this is awkward. I wish he'd just turn around and go. "Who are you... um... going with?" PLEASE LET HIM BE GAY SO IT'S NOT MY FAULT HE ISN'T ATTRACTED TO ME...! Okay that's ridiculous. I should stop to think, I guess. "Cathérine." he answers and I feel like someone just stabbed my guts. "Great." I reply stupidly. To avoid an awkward silence, I pretend to look at my phone to check on the time. "Uh, I got to go... sorry." I say, forcing my best apologetic smile. He nods and smiles, too. "I... bye." I say awkwardly and start walking towards the exit.

At home, I don't exactly know what to do. Neither do I know how to feel. It breaks my heart to know that he is going to not-exactly-prom with Cathérine and although I feel a sharp pain in my stomach, I know I need to go to this stupid dance to see if he told the truth. Maybe he just didn't wanna go with me? Or he actually tries to trick me into coming to not-exactly-prom? Maybe Cathérine dumps him right before the first dance starts and he needs a shoulder to cry on. I know the chances are very low that this might be happening, but still. It's the only hope I have and that has to mean something, right? Suddenly, I've decided to go to not-exactly-prom. Alone. On my own. Without a date.
When I look through my closet though, I notice that I don't even have an actual prom-worthy dress. In the end, I go for a light yellow dress that ends shortly below my knees. It's not exactly in a prom-style but maybe that's the irony that makes it fit to something called not-exactly-prom. Also, it's the fanciest dress I own. Plus, it's my favorite. So, I don't only think I look slightly more than acceptable this evening but I also hope that this dress will bring me some luck today. Or shall I rather say tonight?

As soon as I'm at the gym where not-exactly-prom takes place, I immediately feel weird and lonely. Everyone else is dancing or talking or doing something with their friends and then there's me, standing alone all by myself and trying not to look too out of place. Instead of running away which my inner self wants to, I start looking for Xavier- still hoping that everything will turn out in my favor though I know the odds are against me. I make my way through crowds of people, random students, classmates, even teachers until- until I see him. I see him and I see what he's doing. He takes my heart and rips it out of my chest but not only that, he throws it on the floor, too, where it bursts and shatteres into thousands of incredibly small pieces. Of course he's not doing that for real. But what he actually does feels very close to what I just said. There he is, standing, with his pretty blond hair and in his best suit. He's holding the hand of a gorgeous girl with an outstanding violet prom-dress, her black, usually straight hair is curled beautifully and her heels shimmer like silver. And they're kissing.

I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. I knew it. I knew he didn't like me that way. I didn't know he liked Cathérine, to be fair, but deep down I just knew that he only liked me as a friend. I knew but I decided to ignore it. I knew but I was telling myself that this time, it'd work out hopefully. I should've- could've- read the signs better than I did, still I doubt it would've changed a thing.
I am in freaking love, dammit!
Unable to do anything, I just stand and stare. I feel like I'm going to cry any time soon but at the same time, I try to forget about him. It hurts damn much to see him with another girl but I think I already started accepting that he didn't love me the second he said he was going to this damned dance thing with Cathérine. It's just sad that it had to end like this. My heart bleeds but nevertheless, I force myself to turn around and walk away. While walking I think I'll start to cry any second but when I actually try to cry, I can't- I just feel empty, heartbroken and sad. The pain in my chest and heart grows the more I walk but I guess I'll just have to get through it. I will be fine. I don't know when I will be but to know that there will be better times again is consoling. And I realize that I can't only accept it that he doesn't love me but I also need to let him go. So I try that, piece by piece. I think of all the great memories we've shared which makes me smile- and there it is. The emotional breakdown I was expecting. I can't exactly say I'm crying but I'm not laughing either. I smile and sob while thinking of all Xavier and I have done in the past, good times, bad times, everything at once. Us joking around. Me feeling upset because he talked to other girls. Us doing homework. Us going to see a movie at the theaters. Me being a jealous bitch as usual. Whatever.

After my first of probably many emotional breakdowns I am still heartbroken but I do feel better. Wiping away my tears, I make my way through the mess of people again when suddenly, something- or rather someone- catches my attention. I've barely seen him before, I only know that although he's my age, we don't share any classes- that, or I've simply never noticed him before. He is alone, too, sitting on a small table that makes me wonder who brought it there. He looks at me and smiles shyly but encouraging. My makeup probably looks awful because of my crying but if so, the boy doesn't comment on that. He takes a deep breath before he directly looks at me and says:
"Uh... hi."
"Hello." I say.
Offering me a seat with a polite gesture, he goes on: "I'm Sébastien."
"Anaïs." I murmur and he smiles again.
I take a seat next to him, followed by an awkward silence. Taylor Swift is yelling"Shake it off" from the music boxes and I wonder who the fuck decided which music they play- they couldn't have chosen worse songs, seriously. "Taylor Swift is pretty shit." I suddenly say, not looking at Sébastien. "Yup." he agrees and looks at me interested. "What music do you like then?" he wants to know and I shift uncomfortably. "Uh, I actually listen to anything that isn't Taylor Swift... Some metal, musical, rock, classic, rap and even pop or country once in a while, if it isn't Taylor Swift." I blush. "I don't like her music, either. She's mostly singing 'bout her exes like can you imagine a pettier person? I don't know that much of her dating life but all songs I could name you sung by Taylor Swift are about her exes... Well, I get your heart was broken a few times, girl, but damn." I giggle a little. Weirdly enough it feels good to talk to someone. And if it's just about random shit that actually doesn't matter that much. "What music do you like?" I ask. His smile grows passionately. "I'm completely dedicated to jazz. I do like musicals, too but my main genre is and will always be jazz." I'm impressed. I've never exactly met someone who's interested in jazz. I don't know what fascinates me about it but maybe it's because I didn't expect it. "I'm playing the piano and I've always dreamed about being a jazz pianist but who knows, maybe I'll find another job that I also like. Haven't exactly planned out my career yet. The only thing that I know is, that I will never stop playing the piano nor will I stop loving jazz." Sébastien really is an interesting person. "I dance." I mention suddenly. "I dance contemporary and, well, jazz." "Really? That's awesome! Wanna dance, then?" I roll my eyes at him but smile, so he knows I don't mean it in a rude way. "Seriously? I just told you I dance contemporary and jazz, when did you hear me saying I would do balldance stuff?" "Come on, we both can't exactly dance and don't exactly like the Taylor-Swift-playlist they're playing tonight. It'd be a waste of a not exactly lovely night not to dance now!"
He's right. This night couldn't possibly become any worse, anyway. I'm at not-exactly-prom in a not-exactly-prom dress, having a breakdown because my crush makes out with some gorgeous chick and a random jazz pianist guy asks me to not-exactly-dance with him to my not-exactly-favorite-song.It'd honestly be a waste of a not-exactly-lovely night.
"Oh, I forgot! You probably expect a gentleman to ask more politely!" Sébastien says with a grin before he gets up and suddenly kneels in front of me, taking my right hand in his, looking directly into my eyes. "May I have this dance, Mademoiselle?" he asks, trying to be all serious but kind of fails. And suddenly, I know the answer. "Yes, I would like to, actually." I answer and we both make our way to the dance floor.

We don't exactly dance like one would expect us to. I show him some of my turns and he lip syncs some of the songs, messing up the verse part because he only knows the chorus. He spins me around until he feels too dizzy and needs to sit down and I try some awful tap dance moves, just for fun. Actually, it's nice to be with Sébastien. He isn't my date, nor is he my crush and I would never use him as a rebound but it's nice to share some aromantic, friendly moments together. And I don't know what we will be in the future, friends, lovers, students, random people that never speak again- but it's a chance. It's a chance of something new and maybe I've been looking to a promise lately but I think all I can afford now is a chance. All that I need now is a chance. A chance, not a promise.

So I give a fuck and not-exactly-dance in a not-exactly-prom dress to my not-exactly-favorite-song with my not-exactly-date at not-exactly-prom.
And although I'm still crying initially whenever I think of Xavier, I manage to spend a not so bad time. It could be worse, actually.
Maybe it's not a waste of a not-exactly-lovely night.