chapter twenty-five
murderer

        Hawkins Middle School resembles a prison even more at night.  

There are plenty of things wrong with this picture:  Number one: Alex is back at the place that leaves her with nightmare fuel that lasts days and inflicts her with emotional scars that will last forever, voluntarily.  Number two: Two adults and two teenagers—all of whom have long since graduated from Hawkins Middle and should have no business visiting their former middle school—are all gathered in the dead of night.  And number three: the school is good at keeping children in but bad at keeping intruders out.

They don't have time to gather and talk, as soon as every member of the group is out of the cars, assignments are passed out.  Hopper and Jonathan find where the salt is stored.  Nancy and Mike bring as many hoses as they can find.  Joyce helps El with whatever she needs to prepare.  Alex, Dustin, and Lucas bring the kiddie pool to the gym and start to set it up. 

"We should look for test answers while we're at it," Alex suggests in a halfhearted attempt to lighten the mood.  Her voice echoes through the empty gym. 

Dustin lets out a small laugh but then grunts as he rolls the kiddie pool into the center of the empty gym.  "This damn thing is heavy."

They work together to unwind the thick rope cord that keeps the kiddie pool together and watch as it unfurls across the gym floor.  Alex stares at the plastic helplessly.  She doesn't know where to start.  She's never had the need for a kiddie pool—not when she has her own ground pool in their backyard—but Dustin and Lucas know what to do right away, gripping the edges of the pool.  Alex stares down at her feet, face flushed with embarrassment but joins them.

This is where Alex's privilege starts, and it certainly is not where it ends.  Although Alex has dreams, and although she does not want what the future has in store for her, she won't ever have to work as hard as other people and she won't ever have to worry as much as others.  Her family can afford to live in a two-story house at the edge of town and never have to worry about where the food on their plates comes from.  Her clothes don't come from second-hand shops, and the moment her shoes wear at the edges, they're replaced with a brand new pair.  Her parents could afford to build their relationship out of bank transactions because of their status in Hawkins.  It might not always be apparent, and Alex might try to ignore it, but nothing can change the fact that Alex is far more privileged than her friends.

Her place in the Upper Class of the socioeconomic status of Hawkins is another factor that sets her apart from everybody else in the small town.  Most people stay in Hawkins because they do not have a choice.  Most people in Hawkins cannot afford to leave.  That is why the community is so tightly interwoven together because almost everyone who resides in Hawkins is also trapped in Hawkins.  The Harringtons choose to stay in Hawkins.  That choice is the defining factor that sets them aside from everybody else. 

They work together to pull the sides apart from each other, but as soon as they let go, the walls collapse in on themselves.  "How does this even work?" Dustin grunts in frustration.  Alex kicks the pool for good measure.

"Try that side," Lucas suggests.

Dustin lets go of the side that he is gripping to move over to the side that Lucas still points to and it flips inward.  "Son of a bitch."

"Pull it back," Lucas instructs.  "Pull it back."

"I am!" Dustin exclaims.

"One, two, three!" Lucas exclaims. 

They each yank their sides up with a mighty tug...only for each side to collapse inward. 

"Shit!" Dustin exclaims.

"Fucker," Alex mutters darkly.  She gives the pool a certain finger, glaring all the while—an overreaction?  Yes.  But Alex is tired and angry again and the pool is only fuel for her anger. 

By the time that Mike and Nancy arrive—Nancy with a wheelbarrow loaded with hoses, and Mike with a hose resting coiled around his shoulder—they have managed to keep the pool upright.  They gather around the pool and watch as they fill it with water.  Lucas holds a thermometer in the water and shouts directions over his shoulder to Nancy until the pool reaches the exact temperature that they need.

Jonathan and Hopper cut into the salt bags.  Alex watches as the salt pours into the pool like fresh snow and sinks to the bottom.  Dustin clutches a carton of eggs to his chest and at their prompting places the egg on the surface of the water.  The egg sinks to the bottom of the pool but does not crack.  This does not stop Alex's heart from sinking along with the egg.

Two more bags of salt are added to the water.  Dustin lowers his egg into the water, and to their relief, it floats on the surface.  Dustin grins proudly and Alex claps him on the shoulder.  Mike and Lucas do the same.  It's the small victories that count in the long run.

Radio static fills the silent gym as they gather around the pool.  El kicks her shoes off and strips off her socks.  Alex can see El's chest rising and falling, each time with more gusto as if she's fighting to take each breath.  She doesn't miss the tremble in her hands as she fumbles with the watch that is fastened around her wrist and hands it off to Mike.  Joyce seems to notice the girl's apprehension as well.  She keeps a comforting arm around El's shoulders the entire time.  Joyce gives the girl's shoulder a squeeze and gives her the goggles that are covered with duct tape to block out any light that tries to penetrate her eyelids.  Once the goggles are secured over her eyes, El takes a deep breath.

With guiding hands from Joyce and Hopper, El steps into the pool.  Her feet make small splashing noises as she slowly navigates to the center of the pool.  Alex watches from where she sits on the gymnasium floor as El sinks down into the pool and then stretches out on her back.  Miraculously, the water holds more density than the girl does, and she floats on her back, limbs splayed out. 

The gym is bathed in silence save for the faint crackling of the radio static.  Almost immediately, energy surges, and the lights above them flicker before completely bathing them in darkness.  Alex, Dustin, and Lucas all share a glance.  It's working.  Alex tries to calm her racing heart.  But it isn't out of fear—no, it's out of giddy excitement.  They're so close to finding Will.  So close to finding Barbara.  So close to escaping this neverending hellscape of nightmares. 

She misses Will.  More than she cares to admit.  She misses his kind smiles and warm presence.  Alex used to hate Will—despise him even—because he was so much better than her.  He was good.  A good friend.  A good son.  A good student.  He was all the things that Alex was not.  And then one day, he said hi to her from his locker that neighbored her own.  She pushed him away at first and gave him the cold shoulder because surely, he was just trying to show her how he was so much better than he would ever be.  But eventually, she caved and she started to reply—in small sentences at first, no more than five syllables, but Will never seemed to mind—and she learned that it was just how Will was.  It was in his nature to be kind and soft and caring.  And in a way, a part of his kindness has attached himself to Alex. 

"Barbara?"

El's voice is faint again, just barely above a whisper, but it cuts through Alex's thoughts like a knife.  Alex hears Nancy let out a soft gasp at the name of her friend and leans closer to the pool as if somehow, being in closer proximity to El will show Nancy what the girl sees.  Alex finds herself leaning forward too.  El's breathing seems to grow heavier.  There's another sudden surge of energy as the lights above them flicker on before flickering off and bathing them in darkness once more.  Alex's muscles tense and her breathing accelerates, fingers curl into fists and nails dig into her palms.  Dustin seems to notice how tense she has become and puts a comforting arm around her shoulder.

"What's going on?" Nancy asks.

"I don't know," Mike answers.

"Is Barb okay?" Nancy asks El, hoping to contact the girl in her mind palace.  "Is she okay."

"Gone.  Gone.  Gone.  Gone," El says, whimpering.  Her voice is strained with sobs that she attempts to keep at bay.  "Gone.  Gone.  Gone!"

Nancy lets out a strangled sob and covers her mouth in horror.  Alex falls backward and scrambles away trying not to sob as her hands cover her mouth—the very hands that are stained with Barbara's blood.  There is no stopping the tidal wave of negative thoughts that rush into her mind.  It's as if whatever dam that keeps most of them at bay has suddenly collapsed.  This is your fault.  All your fault.  You should've known better.  You shouldn't have left her.  You left Barbara to die.  This is all your fault.  You killed her.  They'll never forgive you.  Stupid.  Stupid.  Stupid.  Barbara's dead because of you.  Murderer.  This is all your fault.  Murderer. 

She can't breathe.  She feels cold.  Her hands won't stop shaking.  Her head is spinning.  All she can hear is the pounding of her own heart.  She doesn't know what's happening.  She doesn't know what anyone's saying.  She wants to puke.  She can't breathe.

"Hopper!" Dustin calls frantically.  She can barely hear him.  It sounds like her head is underwater.

The next thing she knows, Hopper is crouching in front of her.  His gruff features have melted away to an expression of genuine concern.  "Hey, hey, hey," he says softly.  "It's okay.  I'm here.  You're safe."  He offers his hands and Alex hesitates for a moment before taking them in her own, all the while Hopper assures her, "It's going to be okay.  You got this.  I'm here.  We're all here.  It's okay."

Alex isn't sure how long they sit there or how long Hopper is there, whispering assurances to her, but eventually, her heaving breaths subside into sobs.  But at least she can breathe again.  "It's my fault," Alex manages to choke out.  "Barabara.  It-it's my fault."

"It's not your fault," Hopper tells her gently.  "It was out of your control.  There was nothing you could have done to stop it."  Alex only shakes her head.  "It's not your fault.  Say it with me.  It's not your fault."

"It's n-not my fault," Alex whispers.

If only she believed herself.

"Do you need to take a walk?" Hopper asks.  "We can do that if you want."

Alex shakes her head.  "I'll be okay."

Hopper nods slowly.  Almost as if he doesn't believe her.  "If you need to go, just say the word."

Dustin pulls Alex into a tight embrace when she shakily rejoins them, still sniffling.  Lucas is quick to join the embrace and Alex lets out a shaky laugh, melting into their warm touch.  She wants to stay in their embrace forever.  She's not alone anymore.

"Will?" El's voice is soft and strained. 

Joyce lets out a relieved gasp and leans closer to the edge of the pool.  "You tell him...tell him I'm coming.  Mom is coming."

"Your mom," El whispers, "she's coming for you."

"Hurry."

It is not El who speaks, rather a voice pierces through the static of the walkie-talkie.  Alex recognizes it almost instantly as Will's voice.  Before, he sounded scared and tired.  Now, he just sounds weak.  He's running out of time.  Time was never on their side.

Joyce takes a deep breath and steels herself.  "Oh-okay.  Listen, you tell him to...to stay wh-where he is, okay?  We're coming.  We're coming, okay?  We're coming, honey."

"Just...just hold on a little longer," El whispers to the boy who is not there.  "Will.  Will.  Will?"

The radio is filled with El's whimpers, and then she shoots bolt upright in the water with a splash.  Alex, Dustin, and Lucas, still wrapped tightly in an embrace recoil from the edge of the pool.  El rips the goggles off of her face and scrambles to the edge of the pool, taking deep laborious breaths as Joyce leans over the edge and wraps her arms around the small girl as she sobs.  The woman doesn't seem to care if she gets wet. 

"I got you," Joyce assures El with a honeyed whisper.  "I got you.  It's okay.  I got you.  I got you.  I got you, honey, you did so good."

Oh, how Alex yearns for a mother's embrace.

author's note: a LOT to unpack with this chapter.  first and foremost, steve is a very privileged character (and by default alex is as well) which is something that isn't really acknowledged in the show.  alex is privileged even if she doesn't want to admit it.  also, she has shitty mental health and it's only going to get worse from here <33 (this is also lowkey the start of her savior complex).