chapter nine
easier than the truth

        Alex bikes home alone despite Lucas's insistence to accompany her, and while she appreciated the offer, she doesn't need the company and she doesn't need Steve questioning her.  What Steve doesn't know won't hurt him.  What he doesn't know can't hurt him.  What he doesn't know will keep him safe and Alex feels much better knowing that he is far from the inner circle.

Her house looks like a faceless skeleton in the dark.  She has never been as chilled by it as she is at this moment because she knows that it will be empty when she steps inside—a stark contrast to the busy home she had been in only fifteen minutes earlier.  She considers turning around, she is aching for the warmth of the Wheeler's house but she doesn't know where to go.  And she knows, that nowhere is safer than the walls of her house.  And Steve is there.  She feels safe when she's with Steve.

Nobody answers when she knocks.  And for a few moments, panic swells within her and threatens to spill out onto the doorstep in front of her.  Fear's fist around her throat had been gentile earlier, just a warning.  This time it's suffocating and Alex can't seem to pry its grip off of her throat.  Steve's gone.  Steve's gone.  Steve's gone.  If he had gone out, he would've called the Wheelers to let her know, just like she called him earlier that evening.  And then she hears the music from the backyard and fear's grip slackens.

Steve opens the gate for her when she knocks, fist clenched and knuckles white, but her expression softens when she finally meets eyes with him.  It's been a long day and she's happy to finally have some sense of familiarity right now.  She wants to break down in his arms because she can't show it, but she's terrified and her thoughts keep circling back to whatever Will is hiding from.  Because if it takes Will, she doesn't think there's anything stopping it from taking somebody else.  She wants him like she's a child all over again.

"Hey," Steve greets softly.  "Are you okay?"

Alex aches to tell him everything.  Because maybe if she does, he can help.  He'll know what to do.  Steve always knows what to do.  But she knows that she can't.  Sometimes, lying is easier than settling for the truth.  But it's never been like that with Steve and Alex.  They tell each other everything.  There's no room for lies in the relationship that they have because it's always been just them.  Steve and Alex versus the world.  This is all Alex has ever known and she doesn't want to ruin this.  But things are changing, and not just in Hawkins.  They're growing up and Alex doesn't need Steve as much as she used to and it's time she learned more about responsibility.  So while she needs him like a little kid, she knows that keeping him safe is more important than letting him in on the secret.

"I'm fine," she tells him.  She glances behind him at the pool deck. "What's...going on here?"

"Uh...study session?" He answers lightheartedly, running a hand through his hair.

Alex raises an eyebrow and gestures to the beer can that is clasped in one hand.  "With booze and music?"

Steve laughs.  "Only the best kind!"

Alex nods.  "I think you've had too much to drink, Mister."

Steve dodges this and deflects with: "You're welcome to hang out with us for a bit if you want."

"Aw, I'm flattered, brother dearest, but I don't think your friends like me all that much," Alex replies with a sickly sweet smile.  "Besides they're probably hammered and I don't want to be around all that."

Steve shrugs.  "Suit yourself.  There's pizza in the kitchen if you want some."

"Thanks," she replies.

Alex trails awkwardly behind Steve on her way to the house.  She recognizes Nancy first and clenches a fist.  Of course, she's here.  But that's not what makes Alex angry.  Nancy is here and using Will's name as an excuse to escape from the watchful gaze of Karen.  She's swapped her pastel vest for a red-and-white striped shirt that clings to her body and avoids eye contact with Alex because Alex knows what she has done. 

She recognizes Tommy H. and Carol next, huddled together on one of the patio chairs.  His arm is around her and she's leaning in close.  Alex suppresses the urge to groan.  Tommy H. and Carol are not Steve's friends.  Or at least, they shouldn't be.  While Alex is armed with her anger, their arsenal is jests and jeers.  They bring down others because they think it's fun and when they're bored they just move on to their next victim.  They bring out the worst in Steve, they egg him on and make him forget who he really is.  They bring out the side that he shows the rest of Hawkins and bury the other side of him. 

The fourth person she doesn't recognize; she sits apart from the rest of them, has short clipped hair and round glasses, and is wrapped in a blue jacket.

"Aw, did your sister come to play hide and seek, Harrington?" Tommy H. calls.  "Isn't it past your bedtime, kid?"

Alex only rolls her eyes and flips him the bird.

"Jesus, what's your damage?" Alex hears him mutter.

"Hey, don't listen to them," Steve whispers to her, "they're only trying—"

"To get a reaction out of me, I know," Alex responds with a heavy sigh.  She reaches the door and then turns back around to face Steve.  "Try not to make too much of a mess, okay?"

Steve salutes.  "Aye, aye."

The house is quiet and Alex is glad she doesn't stay outside with Steve and Nancy and their friends because they are loud and Alex doesn't think she could handle the noise.  Not tonight.  Not when her own brain is already clamoring and whirring with thoughts of her own.  Kyra the Counselor suggested writing things down one time, she had told her that it helps to clear her mind and communicate how she feels.  Alex had always taken what Kyra the Counselor said with a grain of salt, but she's realized lately that Kyra the Counselor is right. 

Alex doesn't know how long she's been sitting at the kitchen table, furiously scribbling, too concentrated on the scrawled letters across the surface of her paper.  It's an incomprehensible mess of unfinished thoughts, but it makes her feel better.

She doesn't look up until the kitchen door is opened and slammed and the girl that she does not recognize stands before her.  She's clutching a bleeding palm in her hand, and immediately, even though she didn't ask for it, Alex is jumping into that action.  Because for once, she can be helpful instead of just making a mess of things.

"Holy shit, that looks pretty bad," Alex mutters with a wince.  "Here, I'll help you."

She leads the girl to the bathroom where the First Aid kit is kept and empties its contents onto the counter while the girl hovers just over her shoulder.  Alex glances around desperately before handing the girl the nearest hand towel to staunch the flow of the blood while she digs around for the proper cleaning supplies under the sink.  Steve has cleaned her wounds enough times for her to memorize. 

"I don't think I've seen you around before," Alex says, popping open the lid of their rubbing alcohol.

"I'm Nancy's friend," the girl answers.

"Okay, good.  Because just between you and me, Tommy and Carol are real dicks," Alex replies, in what hopes distracts the girl from her bleeding palm.  The girl lets out a laugh and Alex celebrates her temporary success.  "What's your name?"

"Barbara," she answers as Alex takes the girl's hand in her own and holds it above the sink basin.

Alex nods.  "Well, Barbara, this is going to sting like a bitch."

She doesn't give Barabara any time to protest before she's pouring the rubbing alcohol onto the fresh wound.  You clean it before you bandage it.  Alex and Steve had learned that the hard way.  She feels Barbara squirm but keeps a tight grip around her wrist before she caps the bottle.  She grabs another fresh hand towel from the drawer and wraps it tightly around Barbara's palm.

"Just keep putting pressure on it until the bleeding slows down," Alex instructs Barbara.  "Then we'll put a band-aid on it, okay?"

"Okay," Barbara agrees.  "Thank you."

"Just doing my civic duty," Alex replies.  Barbara laughs again and Alex smiles.  It feels good being able to make somebody laugh for once.  Maybe she should try being soft more often.  Alex leaves the contents of the first-aid kit strewn across the counter and follows Barbara out of the bathroom, turning the lights off behind her. 

Steve, Nancy, Tommy, and Carol all stand in the living room, wrapped in towels and drenched, clothes and hair clinging to their bodies and dripping onto their carpet.  Alex doesn't want to think about what would have happened if their mother had been there.  She doesn't notice that Barbara hovers only a few feet behind her, hesitant to step into the room.

"I'm freezing," Carol complains, hugging herself.

"Hmm..." Tommy voices, slinging his towel over his shoulder and making his way to the staircase.  "Well, I hear his mom's room has a fireplace."

"Are you kidding?" Steve asks, spreading his arms, but Tommy and Carol have already disappeared up the stairs.  "Okay, well, you know, you are cleaning the sheets."

"That is disgusting," Alex groans.

Steve only lets out a small laugh and nudges Nancy.  "You all right?"

"Yeah," Nancy replies with a soft smile. 

"Come on, let's get you some dry clothes," Steve urges.

He starts up the stairs followed by Nancy, but before she can climb the stairs, Barbara steps forward from her place in the background.  Now that Tommy H and Carol are gone, and Steve is out of her sightline, she seems to be more herself.  Less reserved, and more confident.  Alex thinks that Barbara has always preferred to be a more in the background kind of person.

"Nance!  Nancy!" Barbara calls.  Barbara glances at Alex, and she steps out of the room.  She hovers just around the corner because her curiosity gets the best of her and she wants to know what Barbara's saying.  "Where are you going?"

"Nowhere," is Nancy's reply, "just...upstairs.  To change.  I...fell in the pool."

Silence.

Then:

"Why don't you go ahead and go home?" Still Nancy.  "I'll just...I'll get a ride or something."

"Nance..." Barbara says again.  Alex can hear a twinge of desperation in Barbara's voice. 

"Barb...I'm fine," Nancy assures her. 

And she does sound fine, she sounds more than fine.  She sounds happy.  Happy to be here, happy to be with Steve.  But Alex doesn't know how long this will last.  Nancy has a lot of potential.  She has good grades, she's a good daughter, she's a good student.  She could get somewhere in life because her destiny does not lay here.  She could leave Hawkins if she wanted to.  But Steve is tied down to Hawkins because this is where their dad's company is.  Steve doesn't get a choice.  But Nancy does.

"This isn't you," is Barbara's reply.  Soft, this time.

"I'm fine," Nancy repeats.  Firmly this time.  "Just...go ahead and go home, okay?"

Alex presses herself against the wall and prays that Barbara doesn't notice her as she stalks past her hiding spot.  Luckily, Barbara is furiously wiping the tears from her eyes and doesn't notice Alex where she stands.  Alex watches as she opens the glass door to the pool deck and steps outside, making her way over to the diving board.  She debates with herself for a minute; should she give Barbara space, or should she lend a helping hand?

Finally, she decides to follow after Barbara.

Barbara sits on the edge of the diving board, her legs dangle precariously over the water as she bows her head.  Alex hovers a few feet away, second thoughts restricting her from reaching out.  She doesn't know how to handle her own feelings—much less somebody else's.

"Hey..." she says softly.  Barbara looks up and wipes her face again with the sleeve of her jacket.  "It's okay...are you...okay?"

"I'm fine," Barbara responds.  She's not fine, but Alex doesn't press. 

"Um..." Alex tugs at the sleeve of her shirt and shifts her weight.  "I think...I think we can wrap your hand.  I'll, um, bring the stuff out here, okay?"

"I think I might just head home," Barbara tells her, but Alex is already back in the doorway.

"It'll be quick, I promise!  Five minutes!" Alex calls over her shoulder.  She doesn't wait for Barbara to reply as she disappears into the house.

But when Alex reemerges through the glass door with the first aid kit clutched tightly in her arms, Barbara is gone.

author's note: a bit of a filler chapter, BUT i wanted to sneak an alex & barb moment in here because why not.  plus it'll just add to alex's guilt (and maybe give her and nancy something to bond over).