chapter seven
negative thoughts go on the left

        Negative thoughts go on the left and happy thoughts on the right.  That's what Kyra the Counselor teaches her one day.  Categorize the positives and negatives so that they can find the roots of her problems and eradicate them (it never worked, though, because Alex's anger has no roots—or that's what she thinks, Kyra the Counselor is determined to find the supposed origin of her problems).  There seems to be a lot more negative thoughts today.  The balance that she tries to build is out-of-wack, and Alex knows that nothing good happens on an unbalanced day.  And today, there's a little corner in her mind saved just for the girl that they found in the woods.  The girl who plagues her sleep that night because the facts keep resurfacing; kids don't wear blood-stained clothes, kids don't wander the woods in the pouring rain, kids should know more than 'yes' and 'no'.

Alex wakes up to an empty house, walls hollow like Steve's promise to be home later that night.  It's accompanied by a mixture of relief and panic; her late-night escapade goes unnoticed, but then the fear sets in like a fist around her throat because Steve is not home.  Steve should be home.  But the answering machine is full of his messages, and Steve says he's staying at Nancy's house to escape from the storm (and maybe Alex, too, not that he says it).  And so, she puts one slice of bread in the toaster instead of two, cracks one egg instead of two, and spends the morning in silence.  She treats herself to a mug of coffee because Steve isn't there to tell her no.  And this, she realizes, is what Steve's life would have been if she had managed to run away.

It's quiet and simple and lonely, but Alex wouldn't be there.  And he's better off without her.  Anybody would be better off without her.  All she does is punch the drywall until there's a fist-sized crater (and when that doesn't work, she hurts people—not that it's on purpose) and clip wings.  After all, she clipped her parents' wings, and now that they've regrown, they fly off before she can return to clip them once more, and that's why they leave her and Steve alone.  Maybe if she's gone, they'll come back, and at least Steve will be loved again.

That's a negative thought, she hears in Kyra the Counselor's voice.  Where does it go?  On the left.  Negative thoughts on the left.  Positive thoughts on the right.  And she repeats this in her head: Just a thought.  Just a thought.  Just a thought.  Because matter how real and tangible thoughts may seem, they aren't what makes up reality.  The structure of our universe is supported by facts and science (but aren't all facts just thoughts at one point in time?), but all the same, this keeps Alex from spiraling.  

Alex bikes to school alone.  There's no Freddie Mercury or Bruce Dickinson today.  But on some days, the silence is nice.  Today, however, is not one of those days.  There is nothing but Alex, the open road, and her swirling thoughts that threaten to consume her.  And this is when she wishes more than ever that she's back in the passenger seat of Steve's car.

The second empty thing she is greeted with is Mike's desk when she enters Mr. Clarke's classroom.  She catches eyes with Dustin and Lucas; none of them need to say a word.  They all know what each other is thinking—Mike's plan failed, and it's only a matter of time before they're caught up in the calamity of their decisions.  But despite the implications of Mike's vacant seat, Alex feels a warmth in the pits of her chest because she's let in on the secret for once.  Suddenly she's in the inner circle rather than watching from the sidelines (she knows that this doesn't mean that they're her friends, but it's nice for once to be included in something).

"He's never this late," Dustin says, unpacking his backpack as Alex debates whether or not she should sit in Mike's empty seat, and decides instead to hover near the two boys, unsure if she's welcome in their company or not.  Funny.  Alex carries herself as if she could set the world ablaze with the snap of her fingers, but now, faced with the two boys, she wavers.  Suddenly the world seems too big, and maybe she needs some kerosene and a match to help her. 

"I'm telling you," Lucas replies, "his stupid plan failed."

"I thought you liked his plan."

"Yeah, but obviously it was stupid, or he'd be here."

Dustin turns to Alex.  "What do you think?"

Alex blinks.  Dustin seems almost comfortable around her.  As if something last night had changed everything between them.  Maybe it was the way, for just a few moments last night, her anger had melted away leaving softness.  Softness has a way of humanizing you, but softness leaves you vulnerable.  It's far easier to mold softness into something that's submissive.  It's easier to pick at softness until there's nothing left.

"He probably got murdered in his sleep," Alex answers dryly.  

She says this as a joke before she realizes that Steve was there last night too and she feels fear's fist closing around her throat.  Negative thought, she tells herself.  Put it on the left.  It's nothing but an intrusive thought.  But she clenches her fist until she can feel crescent-shaped indents form on her palms because what if this thought is a fact?     

"Jesus, you're morbid," Dustin replies almost as if he regrets asking for her opinion.  Then: "If his mom found out a girl spend the night—"

"He's in deep shit right about now," Lucas finishes.

Dustin gasps and leans in toward Lucas and Alex.  "Hey, what if she slept naked?"

"What the everlasting fuck—" Alex blurts.

"Oh my God, she did not sleep naked," Lucas groans.

Dustin rests his face in the palms of his hands and lets out a heavy sigh.  "If Mrs. Wheeler tells my parents—"

"No way," Lucas interrupts, arms crossed over his chest.  "Mike would never rat us out."

There's a sort of bitter smile on Alex's face.  This is something else that she's missed out on—trust, just knowing, deep down inside that your friends have your back because they care about you more than anything else in the world.  The only person she could ever trust so freely is Steve because they've never had the type of relationship that allowed room for secrets—but now, lies seem to fit better.

"I don't know," Dustin sighs. 

"All that matters is, after school, the freak will be back in the loony bin, and we can focus on what really matters: finding Will," Lucas reinforces, pounding his desk with his fist for emphasis.

Alex nods uneasily.  Somehow, she doesn't think that everything has worked out as they wanted it to.  After all, there are more negative thoughts and positive ones.  And nothing goes good on an unbalanced day.

. . .

"Are you coming with us?" Dustin later that day at the bike racks as Alex unlocks her bike.  He's accompanied by Lucas who folds his arms across his chest but doesn't say anything.

Alex blinks.  "You...want me to come?"

"Duh!  You're in on the secret, and we're gonna need all the help we can get," Dustin replies with a grin.  "Plus, we can use a mean swing like yours.  If you know what I mean."

This is accompanied by an overexaggerated wink.  Alex only shorts and rolls her eyes and looks away, trying to hide the smile that's spread across her face and ignore the child-like giddiness that makes her heart leap and warms her chest.  Don't get attached, a cruel voice in the back of her head whispers, serpentine and chilling.  And Alex caves, and with her crumbles the smile and the giddiness.  After all, anger is only a good thing when it's convenient for other people.  And that's the only thing that she is to them.  A convenience.

But even this is better than not being wanted at all.

Mike's house is a two-story white-picket-fence house on Maple Street.  The kind of house that Alex wishes that she had—it's the kind of house that's never completely empty because love is contained within the walls, it's the kind of house with lights that are always on, the kind of house with an interior that reflects its outside.  Alex trails behind Dustin and Lucas as they cruise into the Wheeler's driveway, hesitating as the two boys dash to the front door because she's managed to outrun the negative thoughts, but now they've caught up to her.  Because what if they walk into a bloodbath?  What if Mike doesn't want her there?  What if Dustin and Lucas realize that they don't need Alex after all? 

But then Dustin and Lucas turn to her expectantly and she drops her bike in the driveway next to theirs before she joins them on the doorstep.  Lucas doesn't knock against the wood door until Alex joins them.  And though it's a small action, Alex can't help but feel the undertones of comradery within it, almost as if he were saying we're in this together.

They're greeted by Karen Wheeler, kind-faced and pretty, who looks shocked to see Alex accompanied by Dustin and Lucas, but smiles (Alex thinks she sees pride in her eyes).  Karen had somehow always managed to be more of a mother to Alex than her own—Alex supposes this is one of the reasons she's glad that Steve and Nancy are together.  Karen is gentle and kind and asks Alex how her day was because she does care (Alex thinks it's because her own kids don't feel the need to talk to her or come to her for problems, so she's become the kid to fill in that hole).  She sends her and Steve home with food because she knows that it's been forever since they've had a proper homecooked meal. 

"Boys, Alex," She greets with a warm smile.  "This is a nice surprise."

"Is Mike here?" Dustin asks impatiently.

Karen nods.  "He's in his room."

"Great!  Thanks!" Dustin replies, stepping past Karen and bounding into the house.  Lucas is quick to follow after him.

Alex stares after them for a moment and lets out a sigh.  "I'm sorry about them."

Karen only lets out a laugh.  "Boys will be boys.  How are you doing?"

Alex shrugs.  "Fine.  I guess.  It's just scary."

"Well, I hope things get better," Karen tells her earnestly.  "You know you can talk to me anytime."

Alex smiles.  "Thanks, Mrs. Wheeler."

"I won't keep you from your friends any longer," Karen tells her with a soft smile.

Dustin and Lucas wait for her patiently at the top of the stairs—another small display of comradery, another small we're in this together.  Lucas pushes open Mike's door and the three step into Mike's room, one at a time.  Alex's lips part as she stares at the scene before them: the girl from the woods is sitting cirss-cross on Mike's bed with a crocheted quilt spread across her lip, staring innocently up at them.  

"Holy hell," Alex murmurs.

Mike only points a finger at Alex. "What is she doing here?"

"Helping," Alex answers simply.

"We don't need your help," Mike argues.  "You should just go home before you get caught up in this."

Alex shakes her head and crosses her arms over her chest.  "I'm not going anywhere.  Unless...you want me to tell your mom about the little adventure you had last night?"

Mike narrows his eyes and shakes his head.  "You wouldn't."

"Try me."

"Lay off her, Mike.  We need her," Lucas snaps.  Then he gestures to the girl who sits on the bed, watching the interaction silently.  "Besides—are you out of your mind?!"

 "Just listen to me—" Mike tries to reason.

"You are out of your mind!"

"She knows about Will!"

Alex blinks.  "She what?"

"She knows about Will," Mike repeats.

"What do you mean, she knows about Will?" Dustin questions.

Mike lets out a sigh and picks up a small framed photograph from his nightstand and shows it to them.  It's faded and torn, but it makes a smile spread across Alex's face.  There they are, Mike, Will, Lucas, and Dustin, all four of them grinning broadly at the camera as they hold the science fair trophy between them. 

"She pointed at him," Mike tells them, "at his picture.  She knew he was missing.  I could tell!"

Alex raises her eyebrows and nods slowly.  Mike's reaching.  He's desperate for some sort of handhold, and that handhold is the girl.  And here we circle back to fear: the relinquishment of logic.  When under fear, we sometimes see patterns that are not there either because our minds are racing and unfocused or because we want some false sense of hope.  Mike is searching for his false hope. 

"You could tell?" Lucas repeats skeptically.

"Just think about it," Mike begs.  "Do you really think it was a coincidence that we found her on Mirkwood, the same place where Will disappeared?"

"That is weird," Dustin agrees, glancing at Alex and Lucas.

"And she said bad people are after her," Mike adds.  "I think maybe these bad people are the same ones that took Will.  I think she knows what happened to him."

Lucas crosses his arms tightly over his chest.  "Then why doesn't she tell us?"

"And why is she still here?" Alex asked.  "The bad people are going to catch up to her sooner or later."

Lucas strides over to where the girl sits, wide-eyed and pleading—Alex thinks she can see tears forming in her eyes, whether it's out of confusion or fear, Alex doesn't know.  The girl's hands are clasped in her lap as if she doesn't quite know what to do with them and she doesn't move as Lucas approaches.  She reminds Alex of a dear caught in headlights, wide-eyed and petrified with fear.

"Do you know where he is?" Lucas asks.  When the girl remains silent, Lucas springs forward and grasps the girl by the shoulders.  "Do you know where Will is?!"

"Stop it!  You're scaring her!" Mike shouts.

Lucas releases the girl and turns back to Mike.  "She should be scared!"  He turns back to the girl, all anger and desperation and sorrow.  "If you know where he is, tell us!"  Alex watches as the girl's lip quivers and her hands tremble in her lap while Lucas turns back toward Mike.  "This is nuts!  We have to take her to your mom."

"No!" Mike argues firmly.  "Eleven said telling any adult would put us in danger."

"What if that's what she wants you to think?" Alex argues. 

"What kind of danger?" Dustin wonders.

Lucas raises an eyebrow.  "Her name is Eleven?"

"El for short," Mike adds.

"Mike, what kind of danger?!" Dustin repeats, louder and more desperate this time.

"Danger.  Danger," Mike replies.

Mike's desperation melts away until his face is left expressionless.  He lifts a hand to Dustin's forehead.  It's with a chilling realization that his fingers resemble a gun.  Dustin follows his fingers until he goes cross-eyed, mouth agape, chest heaving.  Mike lets his fingers hover just above his forehead for a few moments before he moves on, slowly to Lucas who only bats his hand out of the way in frustration.

"No, no, no!" Lucas exclaims, shaking his head.  "We're going back to Plan A!  We're telling your mom."

Before anybody can argue, Lucas is striding across the room, fists curled and jaw clenched in determination as he yanks open the door.  It opens just wide enough for him to slip through before suddenly as if some sort of magnetic force is attached to the door, it slams shut, shaking the foundations of the room.  Alex watches as the figurines that line Mike's shelves rattle before settling down once more.  Lucas wraps his fist around the doorknob once again and pulls, harder this time, as if maybe it'll have a different result.  The door slams shut once again, harder this time.  The force sends Lucas reeling back, and the figurines topple to the floor.

Alex watches with hitched breath as the lock turns and slides into place, sealing them inside the room.  There's a shrill ring that fills the air.  The four turn back around to face the girl who, in the midst of the chaos has stood up and stares at them intently.  A trail of fresh blood leaks from her nose, blood that was not there moments ago.

"No."

author's note: it's the way alex collects mother figures like playing cards because her own mother is not a very good one (neither is her dad but we'll get into that later) :(

anyway, despite what alex thinks, her anger does have a root and it is her parents (their absence and overall just how they are) and i'm going to be diving into both hers and steve's trauma because although they are in the same situation their trauma is very different and it's just really interesting to me.  i do plan on having a chapter dedicated to the harrington family & the trauma and problems that the kiddos have :((