Jason

As I look down on Zarah as she lie sleeping in my arms, I had to clenched my jaw to stop my self from crying.

I'm fucking terrified.

I want to live. I want to spend my whole life loving my angel.

I want more time.

I need more time.

But the reality of it is that I may not have more time. This may be the last time I get to hold my angel in my arms. This may be the last time I get to watch her sleep. This may be the last time I get to lie down with her.

Pain gripped my heart, bringing me to tears.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.

I kissed the top of Zarah's head. "I love you so much, Angel."

I slowly slid out of bed, careful not to disturb her.

There are so many things I want to say to her, but I don't have the courage to say it to her, so I decided to write a letter to her. I don't even want to think about not making it out of surgery, but I have to be realistic. It is a possibility. I want to make sure that Zarah continues living her life. I don't want her to drown in grief, pain, and sorrow. She has so much love to give. She has so much joy and life inside her. She has to never forget that.

I stepped outside the room to the nurses station and asked one of the nurses for a piece of paper and a pen.

I walk back inside the room and sat on the chair and began writing my letter to my angel.

My Dearest Angel,

I am writing this letter as I watch you sleep... I love watching you sleep. There are so many things I love about you and it would take me a lifetime to write them all out.

I know that you don't like talking about me not making it, and I hate thinking about it too, but I just want to be prepared. I don't want to leave you without having tell you how I feel.

God, I don't even know if I'm making sense.

I want you to know that, writing this letter didn't mean that I gave up the fight before it even began.  We know the risk going into the operation; and I want you to know that, I wrote this letter in case I don't win the fight. Please understand that, sweetheart.

I love you angel. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't be with you longer. I'm sorry I failed you.

I want you to know that the last couple of months with you, were the best days of my life. I could go on and on and say so many words to tell you how I feel, but how the hell do you fit a lifetime worth of memories into a letter? How do I even fit into words, how much I love you?

Truth is, there are no words to even begin to describe how I feel about you. How much I love you. I've loved you from the very first moment I saw you. You were coming out of the house and you were wearing a soft lavender dress. Your hair styled in soft waves as they tumbled down, past your shoulders. You looked so angelic and beautiful. You took my breath away. Ever since then, you became my reason for living. You became the reason I fought so hard to live. I had just found out about my brain tumour, and I had given up hope of ever beating this disease. But then you showed up, out of nowhere looking like an angel sent from heaven, and you gave me renewed strength and hope.

You made me want to live. You made me want to fight.

I may have lost my chance of being with you that night, but you never left my heart and soul. You were with me during the days, weeks, and months that we have been apart. I thank god everyday for second chances, because I would have missed out on the days I got to spend with you these past couple of months.

You saved me. You saved me from living an empty life. Because of you, I no longer come home to an empty house, and I no longer sleep on an empty bed.

I thought we would have a lifetime together. I thought we would have more days to love each other. More moments to tell each other 'I love you.' I thought I would get to see you grow in beauty. Have children together and watch them grow and achieve their dreams and goals. But I guess God has a whole different plan for us.

You have made all of my dreams come true in such a short amount of time. You have made me so incredibly happy; And that is why I can't be bitter or angry for not being given more time with you, because loving you and being loved by you is already the greatest gift and miracle I could have ever gotten.

I know that this might be hard for you, but please try not to grieve for too long. I don't want you to be sad or lonely for too long. I want you to continue living. I want you to love again. Find that special someone who'll make you feel alive again.

You are my soul mate. The love of my life. Thank you for loving me and giving me your whole heart and soul while we were together. But now it's time for me to give you back your heart and soul. I may be gone, but you are still living. You can't bury your heart and soul with me. You can't live the rest of your life without love.

 If you find what Massimo has found with Ara, take it. Take a risk. Take a chance. Don't fight the love that finds you. Give your heart and soul to him, the way that you have given it to me.

Live and love my beautiful Angel...

I love you with all of me,

Your Jason

Tears slid down my face as I finish writing this letter. I look over to Zarah's sleeping form and found myself smiling tenderly at her.

I carefully fold the letter and placed it in one of the pages of, the book that Zarah was reading earlier.

I slowly rose from the chair and walked back towards the bed. I climbed back up on the tiny hospital bed.

I slid my arms under Zarah's body and pulled her against me.

She stirred and snuggled closer.

I smiled. 

Writing that letter doesn't mean, I've given up hope of beating this fucker. I'm still optimistic. I'm gonna fight and I'm going to beat this fucker.

I closed my eyes and revelled in the feel of my angel in my arms.