When I look at my bride – walking down the aisle with her ever-loving smile and twinkles in her eyes – I'm taken back to my first love. That young girl with her vibrant smile and laughter, lighting up the room from its far end was all I could ever see. Day by day, night by night, I've been keeping those feelings she made of me and I would re-live it over and over, just to have her next to me at this second. Or perhaps, I'd run and be next to her instead. Now...I'd run to her now.

...

There are a lot of times in my life where I felt out of place. My mom would often say it's normal – a phase, that she'd called it, especially being around the age of 17. You're figuring out who you are...what you like and who you want to be. The only thing I managed to figure out at this point is that I had high expectations that I would've figured all of that out by the age of 13. 

She had expectations of her standards too and I think she simply answered it that way because she was confused as hell of how to answer it in a way that wouldn't offend her son. When you've been told by every teacher of every class of each grade since your son was 8 years old that he could possibly be a genius – I'd be confused too as to these incredible fall outs. 

The thing is, it's not that I just magically woke up one day and my brain decided to be dumb. No, I just woke up one day and decided not to bother. I remember that feeling very well – well, I remember a lot of things very well but not often that it's associated with feelings. It started with one of those insignificant day, really.

On that said day and on the walk to school, I thought of what a good breakfast I had. 3 medium-sized pancakes and a banana milk. I remember my mom standing by the door, telling me to have a great day while waving until I'm out of sight, as she normally would do since dad passed away. I knew it became a habit of hers to constantly let me know how much she loves me in case we never meet again. 

As I was walking that morning – thinking of how good the 3 pancakes were – I noticed how 'involved' everyone were the closer I got to the school gate. Friends greeted each other – forming into groups of 2s and up to 6s. I realized that it was probably the first time that I had looked up to my surroundings – probably because I was thinking about pancakes instead of anything that needed solving.

It dawned on me that I hadn't recognized 92% of those kids wearing the same school uniforms as me – heading to the same hallway as me. I spotted the 8% only because they were in my classes and because they had put their hands up and challenged my position as the 'genius' who'd always get the answers right when no one couldn't. 

I thought I got lucky when I saw Lee Ha Kun, the next best thing any teacher could've hoped for when they asked questions in our classes. He also sits beside me right at the front, so I was fairly confident that I could call him an acquaintance. Not a friend, because we never really exchanged more words other than his dry 'congratulations, Jungkook' and my equally dry 'thank you, Ha Kun' whenever my name appeared at the top of any lists. 

Since I hardly socialize – other than with teachers and the casual hums and tutoring – I decided to greet him that morning. I'd like to think that the following conversation never happened, but of course it did and it's stuck in my mind since:

"Hello, Ha Kun. Good morning,"

Nothing.

"So...I had pancakes this morning. What did you have?"

6 seconds of silence. "Bread,"

"Nice. Bread is always nice. Whole wheat?"

"Just...white bread,"

"Nice, nice. With eggs? Sausages?"

"Just bread,"

"Nice..." It became obvious that this was not a topic of interest to him, so I changed my game. "Did you know that 'Ha Kun' means 'rooted with intelligence'?"

He shook his head very slowly.

"It does. Amazing, isn't it? How you're already appearing so smart the moment you get that name..."

It took him more seconds to respond, "Appear...I guess it's not good enough,"

All I could think of was 'that's the longest conversation I've had with a classmate about something that was not study-related' and I was really satisfied with it. Really, imaginary me was patting on my back! I didn't think of anything else or if he felt offended, his face clearly didn't show it. He did though. By the time the second period had started, the whole class were whispering about how I insulted Lee Ha Kun in his face so early in the morning.

By lunchtime, I managed to receive approximately 89 glares in the cafeteria. 72 being kids from my batch, the rest were from a batch ahead. Yes, I counted – face by face. What else was I going to do? I didn't count for how long the glares had gone for only because I was busy contemplating whether I should smile and wave. For a brief moment, I thought of how amusing it was. I knew Baekyang Middle School is relatively small, but that was the first time that I really felt it. News of me offending Lee Ha Kun traveled fast and vast. 

I wasn't traumatized by it – at least I didn't think I was. I just decided that fitting into the social norms was probably the first ever thing I'm bad at and for some reason, I really wanted to know what else could I suck at. Extra-curriculars never seemed appealing to me so I tried it. It's quite amazing what you can achieve just by being good at Mathematics & Science, especially trigonometry. It's hard for me to suck at any ball games when my calculations of trajectories are so on point.

Now anything that requires physical strength is a different matter – running, weight-lifting, climbing, gymnastics - but I knew that with some efforts I could potentially nail number one. Swimming...well, I never learned to swim and the thought of learning in public pools wasn't an option as I began calculating the chances of me getting any sorts of infections so instead of risking it, I put it on my 'Things Jungkook Sucks At' list. With every added bullet points, it felt like an achievement. 

By the time I entered high school, I've pretty much tried out every single club and sport there were in middle school. I had 12 things I suck at, including public speaking, acting, and anything involving one-on-one communication in general. Now, in the times I was doing all these experiments, I hadn't really paid much attention to the existing classes. And guess what happened? My grades dropped down tremendously.

Having experienced this for the first time got me thinking...I wasn't a genius – I just happen to have a really good memory bank! Everything that I knew was from my efforts of learning, memorizing, practicing, and reading a lot. Watching how the experts do it and recalling the steps. One would think I'd be disappointed to have this revelation, but it was quite the contrary. Or perhaps I did, but I was dejected of any emotional connection because of my upbringing. This too, I read from a book I found under the Self-Help section in the public library. 

Knowing that, I had no option than to accept mydownfall the same way Lee Ha Kun celebrated his first ever Honor Student of theYear medal. People might be confused about this – I know my mom did! – but it'slike finding out you have a super power which no one knows about and you choseto hide it for the sake of humanity. Everything I've ever accomplished – allthe straight A's, all the medals I had won from school competitions, thepraises of being called a 'genius' – those were the disguise.

My power is this insanely good memory that couldpick out even the smallest of details I've learned from...well, ever since Icould remember. But I have to give chances to the other kids to take thespotlight – everyone knows superheroes get a lot of hate once they're alwayson the front page of the news and thus, out of my questionable love forhumanity, I decided to slowly disappear under the radar of Baekyang MiddleSchool's Top 5 Best Students. I 'humbly' rested myself on number 6. High enoughto earn a good class in high school, low enough to stop my peers from feelingdamned intimidated all the time.

I knew how it worked, so I was ready to start fresh. A new beginning at a new school. An upgraded version. A Jeon Jungkook 2.0. I had all of these things calculated – except missing the part that my kryptonite was socializing and blending in with kids my age. I have zero talent of it and the only one I had was that fateful day with Lee Ha Kun, which is not at all a good experience. 

For the first half of the year since I entered high school, I spent a lot of after-schools at the library – reading about social interactions. Any books related to How to Make a Good First Impressions, Public Speaking for Dummies, Ice-Breaker Topics, and Make Friends, Not Enemies were borrowed for weeks. I even rummaged through the Parents section for books to help their socially awkward child, just to practice talking a lot with my mom!

Now don't get me wrong, my parents are the mostloving, caring and chatty people but I know I'm saying this because I'm beingbiased. I'm just an extremely quiet child, to be perfectly honest! Growing up,I actually enjoyed sitting by myself and basking in the silence around me. Ithelps my mind being focused and shit like that. I guess I never felt muchloneliness in it because it felt like there's always a second person talkingback to me: the voice in my head whenever I read or calculate something.

Anyway, clearly, I wasn't a gifted charmer. My plans weren't actually working since half of the teens in my batch were from Baekyang and yes, they remembered the legendary tale of the great Jeon Jungkook who got his superpower stripped off by insulting Lee Ha Kun in that one morning where he thought he had the best pancakes for breakfast. Jeon Jungkook 2.0 was downgraded to Jeon Jungkook 1.5 – The Introverted Smart-Ass. I earned this by not giving a flying fuck anymore about making a good first impression.

But I'm not complaining - I've had progress. I'm now Jeon Jungkook 1.8. My smile doesn't look so awkward and creepy anymore and in the 2 years of high school, and I managed to make one friend whom I would occasionally 'bump' into once or twice a week. I gave myself credits for that even though technically, he wasn't a student there. Min Yoongi. He's 4 years older, an inch shorter, and came in a year ago as an assistant to our Music teacher. He's also as socially inept as I am – this came from his own mouth. 

"I hate high schoolers," With his usual blank face on, he muttered the same thing that he had countless of times before. The buzzing of happy students outside of the Music room passed – the usual shrieking sounds of happy teens acting like they're living the best times of their lives. "They're supposed to know how to handle things better now," He frowns down to the cracked flute in his hand.

"Join the army," I gave him another suggestion. Every time he said it, I would give him a different alternative solution.

"I hate loud noises. And I especially hate beingyelled at," Another reason why we clicked so well.

"Should I save Peace Corps for the next time?"

There's a slight twitch around his lips on his otherwise, emotionless poker face. "I enjoy being selfish,"

Who doesn't? Well...maybe not everyone. But I get him. I have my moods too for when I feel like helping out and when I don't. 

"How's the drama club going?" He leaned back to the chair and stretched his arms wide open as if he's going to yawn. But he didn't.

"Chorus member number 9,"

"Wow...that's like...your ticket to stardom,"

"Watch out for a billboard with my face on it," I grinned just to joke. 

The whole thing was a joke, really. I had to participate to have it on my resume for college application. Not something I'm looking forward to, definitely. It's bad enough trying to fit into 'my crowd' – that's what Yoongi calls kids my age no matter how many times I corrected him. Can you even call the crowd 'your crowd' if you're not in the crowd – of course not. Does Yoongi care about terms and its correct meaning? Of course not.

"I still can't believe you chickened out on the lead role. I told you, you've got the voice for it,"

Lately, my mom's been reminding me to be grateful for a lot. This came when I told her that maybe I don't need to go to college. I mean...I already know how my brain works. I can be really smart if I want to, I just didn't want to. The only thing that I can get out of college that I couldn't get straight out from a book or the internet are the certificates saying I'm a qualified expert in said field of studies. In this instance though, I am grateful to now have 2 people motivating me to do more in life. Whether I want to do it or not is a different case.

Outside, I caught a glimpse of the jocks passing by with their partners in tow. Shouting around and laughing as if they own the school...or the hallway. Maybe they do.

"I don't like groupies. They're too loud,"

...

"Jungkook-ssi...you have an excellent, consistent track record and I know that brilliant mind is still working. I know it can be confusing at your age, figuring out what you want and how to get it. I know there must be a lot that you're confused about,"

I know I should pay more attention to what Mrs Gwan is saying, but as always, my eyes land back to the poster on the wall behind her. It's a picture of a bunch of lions, standing gloriously with their golden manes and looking straight at me as if they're targeting their next lunch. Below it, the word CREATING LEADERS is displayed with no further explanations.

The slightly yellowish filter shows that it's been there for years – clearly, to inspire something in Mrs. Gwan or her visitors. I'm not sure how though, because instead of feeling inspired, my mind's already wandered between questions. Male lions hardly hunt together – what kind of metaphoric, imaginary leaders are they breeding here? The juveniles do, but once they come of age they'd have to get a new pack. They mostly rely on the females to do the hunting. Does this also mean the school's only creating male leaders? What happens to the girls then?

"The drama club is a good start, but I really need you to be more involved. You still haven't submitted your list of applications. I know you think you've got time. It's only the beginning of the year but before you know it, your deadlines are up. Do you at least have the places on top of your mind?"

She sounded like a brochure. This visit is hardly optional. I'm probably the lucky few that's not quite excited about graduating-with-flying-colors and college hunting. I mean...I think I want to graduate with flying colors...I'm just not motivated enough to do so. Not now in January anyway.

"Are there any particular major that you connect with deeply?" 

It was quiet for a moment. I thought she was going to sigh – as she usually does when I couldn't reciprocate the conversation – but when I look up, Mrs. Gwan is just examining me through narrowed eyes.

"Jungkook-ssi, I can only help you if you tell me what's on your mind,"

I wasn't aware of this therapy session. I thought I just have to listen to her, lecturing and telling me about my lack of efforts and pick out a club for me to join so I wouldn't have think for myself? Isn't that what she always does?

"Arts," I mumbled out, just because the silence is getting intense.

"I see...Jungkook-sii, you've always been in Science major. You're good at it and you get recommendations from way back," 'Way back' sounds like it's been centuries. Middle school was hardly even 3 years ago – "Why would you suddenly change it to Arts?"

That's a good question actually. Well done, Mrs. Gwan! "I read that art speaks what words can't explain,"

She finally sighed and stilled, observing me for a moment. "I'm gonna ask you a question, and I want you to be honest with me,"

Okay?

"What makes you wanna go to college? Do you even wanna go to college?"

Oh, that's easy! "My mom wants me to go to college," She could've asked that straight from the blocks.

A particularly fierce twitch seized her lips, and I knew she's trying her best to hold it in. "Alright. Arts? No problem. Let's narrow it down. You don't have any classes to back it up but there's still time to get involved. Drama club is settled, I think 4 more should do the trick. I'll talk with the head of our arts department and see where we can include you. But Jungkook-ssi...I must tell you that this choice is yours and for your future, so I hope you stick by it,"

...

Funny that what Mrs. Gwan said in that last meet is stuck in my head for the next few days. Even if I do stick by it, I know the chances of me getting into any art school is low. There's this kind of shit that colleges look for beyond this kid joining 5 different art-related clubs without having any grades to prove, oh, I don't know – a spectacular tale of originality and individuality maybe, coupled between your grade point average or final scores and triumph over struggles and adversity?

Shit like that annoys me. Why do I need to emphasize how different and quirky I am just to prove that I'm worth the shot? Why do I need to have a background story to accompany it? If one day I wake up wanting to eat pancakes for breakfast, lunch and dinner, why do I need to justify the reason why?

Although I have what the teachers said 'good track records' and I knew that I'll definitely do better in the finals, I will never come out with this so-called 'great story to tell'. The only struggle I've had was losing dad and rest assured, I'll never talk about it to anyone till the end of the world.

"Jeon Jungkook?"

The sweet voice of a girl calling for my name came off as a surprise. And the shithead that I am made me look up to the bright, blaring sun rather than where the voice came from. Behind me. 

Still blinded by the sun, I could only make out the silhouette that's coming a few steps down and made her way to sit beside me, overlooking the track field. When I could finally see clearly, it took more than a while for me to register that it's Lalisa Manoban.

Lisa, what the teachers would normally call her. Lali, what her friends would call her. Lis is what her boyfriend calls her. I've heard only these 3. Not being anywhere near these 3 segments, I guess I would have to go with the full name. Why is Lalisa Manoban talking to me?

"Hello, Jeon Jungkook,"

Lalisa Manoban – the Head of the Student Council...one of the most popular girl in school (and the most beautiful, in my opinion!) is calling my name for the second time! What the fuck is going on??

"Mrs. Gwan said you're not much of a talker. It's okay, I'll do the talking then," She giggled. Prettily. "She said you're interested in a few clubs and asked me to get you in. We still have a few...let's see..."

She took out a bright yellow notebook from her backpack and scrambles to find a page. I might be staring a little too long but I'm not even exaggerating this – she's so fucking pretty up close!

"I have one slot for photography in the school's editorial team. This is just an assistant role but you get to handle the equipment, so you'll definitely learn a lot about using them. I also have one for creative writing...I'm not sure how you'd like that one –"

"I like creative writing!" Haven't done it. But come on, writing? I've submitted countless reports and letters to the city council about upgrades on Baekyang's lab studies and assessment criteria before – how hard could it be?

"Good to know!" God, her smile's so pretty! "Okay, I'll have you on that one. Then...oh, the Homecoming committee is looking for someone to design the posters and banners. You can use the computers in the club's office –"

"Nice!" What's a Homecoming committee?

"You're already in Drama and Theatre right? Do you wanna do Music too? It's just taking care of the storage though...the cleaning and maintaining –"

"Nice!" With the amount of time I had spent plastering my face on dictionaries, one would wonder why my vocabularies are this limited.

"Okay, that's set it then! Can you write down your phone number and email address here?" She gave her notebook to me. To me! "I'll send you the details later. You don't mind having to stay after school, right? That's when the clubs get together,"

"Yeah, no, I don't mind!" Am I not as smart as I thought I was?

"Cool! Looking forward to see more of you then!" She took back her notebook with my nervous handwriting and shoved it back into her backpack, giving me one last pretty smile before she left.

...

The next day, I find myself getting giddy for no apparent reason. Well...it's quite apparent actually but who needs therapy when you can gaslight yourself into thinking that everything's fine?

Let's start again. Today, I find myself acting like an overexcited child on a Christmas morning. Only it's not Christmas, it's over the second club I've been enrolled to in order to look good in my not-so-exciting college application. And only it's not specifically about the club, but more about meeting Lalisa Manoban and having her walk beside me for 3 minutes and 24 seconds to a really small room in the school's library which turns out to be the place where they keep the photography equipment and tapes.

It smells old...I've never been to any haunted, wooden shack in the woods before but I imagined it smells just like this room.

"You've seen the schedule, right?" I always thought her eyes looked too big on her face. Like a doll you see little girls play with or ones that old ladies keep as collectibles in their neat, florally houses. "Maybe nod for yes or shake your head for no," 

Gathering myself, I gave a quick nod. Fuck, that was embarrassing! I should stop staring at her, really.

"Okay, cool! Do you know how to work the video camera for tomorrow night's game?"

Be normal, be normal. "Smaller ones. If there's a manual, I think it's not a problem," Phew...I sound normal right?

She squeaked a little before giggling, "It's a really old videocam. I've never seen the manual but it should be the same as any home camera. Let's see," She took the 11-inch device and held the weight with both hands. "Power button's over here," She gestured for me to come closer, so I did. 

The 'power' icon has faded but even without a good memory, anyone could tell that the red button represents some importance. "You need to click this open to change the tapes – I'll show you the tapes after this. And when you close it, make sure it's tightly shut cus the thing's already a bit loose. There's no screen so you'd have to check into the lens to angle and focus. And you press here to start and stop recording. You don't need to carry it over your shoulders or anything. The tripod's over there so you just set it up, record, and enjoy the show," 

I don't know why my eyes just followed through with her long, delicate fingers – pointing here and there – guiding me like a complete dummy that needs a complete manual to work this thing. And because I said it, I had to welcome it.

"Tapes are here. Right are ones we've used since last year. Left are the ones we can reuse. They always saved the copy at the end of each year but last year Mr. Hoo got into a car accident so no one dared to touch them. He said he saved some of it but we're not sure which ones so we left it just in case,"

Who's Mr. Hoo? Who is 'we'?

"Do you have any question?"

I kept those stupid ones shut. "Why do we still use these?" Her slight frown appears. "I mean...tapes. Camcorders comes in USBs now...memory cards – there's even Bluetooth transfers,"

"Ahh...they don't invest a lot to the school's blog. It's a good way to keep appearing active, but we have 200 average traffics on it monthly so...it's not really a priority to them I guess. Plus, Mr. Hoo is quite old-school," The scent of vanilla invaded my system as she leans forward to whisper, "He takes pride in saving those footage from the tapes,"

I swear my heart skipped a beat and it's not for Mr. Hoo.

...

Have you ever had a crush on someone, only you never really knew that it was a crush to begin with – or you kept denying that it was ever a crush and replaced it with 'I just like her/his face' or 'she/he just looked nice' to justify it – but then you kept seeing that someone more often and the realization hits you with a 'holy shit, what the fuck do I do now?!'? Well, high fucking five buddy, because that's exactly where I'm at!

The first time I saw Lalisa Manoban was exactly 23 days after I entered Busan High School – and that was 862 days ago. She was trying to get a book from the high shelves in the library and I only took notice because of her slight whimpering when she lets out an unsuccessful mini-jump. With hands stretching up, her jumper lifted a little higher – revealing her perfect curves of tiny waist. 

See, I might be a loner all my life, but I'm not a horny little bitch. In all honesty, the only reason why I got up from my chair and walked towards her was to get that book so she would stop lifting her arms so high and saves her waist from being the center of the universe. Even if it's perfectly understandable why it should be.

Halfway there, I found that I wasn't the only one who wanted to help. Kim Taehyung – who the whole school would later be more familiar with as the captain of our basketball team and lead in the running team – managed to get to her first. It's most likely thanks to his long legs and smooth strides. And although his intention might differ than mine, the pair has been seen at lunches, sports games, social clubs and wherever it is those popular crowds hang out since. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not bitter about it or anything. They do look like an amazing-looking couple match-made from wherever. They even come to school and leave together most of the days. Of course, what I mean by 'most of the days' is whenever they're in my view. I looked at her most of the time because I liked her features. That's what I've been telling myself anyway. 'I just like her face and she just looks so nice today'.

There was just something blissfully happy in the way she speaks and squeaks...or smile, or laugh. The way she's so focused to the notes – whether in classes or her hands. She seemed like a carefree person, yet always so balanced. In a nutshell, she looks like the ideal cliché you'd find in the History of Popular Kids in High School, except that while most of them are hated by the common bystanders such as myself, she is extremely well-liked.

And because I knew it wasn't just me who finds the sparkles in her eyes birthing butterflies in my stomach, it made it easier to look away and convince myself that it wasn't a crush. But now...now I feel like borrowing a book on Handling Unrequited Love Before It's Too Late.

"Jungkook..."

I turned to find her standing still at the door of the music rehearsal room. The missing smile and her wandering eyes across the space shows that either she'd just seen a rude ghost but wasn't entirely sure that it's a rude ghost...or that she's freaked out by the fact that I had pulled out all these instruments from its shelves to be cleaned.

"What uh..." I'm guessing it's the latter. "What's going on?" Yup.

I turn back to the cloth in my hand. "Just cleaning," Did I take the brief wrongly? Her texts said:

Hi Jungkook!
Will you be free tomorrow after school?
The marching band is playing for the game tomorrow night
And they need to use the instruments
I know it's a little last minute
But if you have the time
Can you join in to prep the stuff?

To which I replied:

Hi Lalisa
Sure
By prepping the stuff
You mean the instruments, right?
I just have to clean them, right?

Which she then replied:

Oh my God thank you for answering right away!
It's very hard to get replies on this kinda stuff (she inserted a sad emoji here)
Yes, just to clean them
But not all, just a few
I'll see you at 1 and guide you through it
We can do it together (she inserted a smiling emoji here)

I couldn't reply after that because my heart did a double flip and my feet did a single one on the bed.

"Is there another way to clean them? Am I doing it wrong?" I've polished everything for brass already – do I need to redo it?

I can tell she's walking carefully around the splayed items. It's a mess in here, but it's for a good reason. 

"I told you to meet at one...I've been waiting for you outside for an hour,"

Oh – "I'm sorry. I saw you at the carpark at one," With your boyfriend. "You looked like you're leaving. I thought you had some urgent things to attend so I just...I mean...someone needs to clean it, right?"

"Why are these all over the floor?"

"Well...I started taking one at a time from the shelves. But it takes eleven seconds for me to go over again repeatedly. So I just took everything out to save time. And it'll be easier to dust off the shelves too,"

I'm not sure if her smile means that she's impressed or if she finds me dorky. For Handling Unrequited Love Before It's Too Late's sake, I'll go with dorky.

"You don't have to clean them all you know. There's only 20 of them for tonight's game, and not everyone's playing percussions,"

She's laughing at me – I can see the humor twinkling in her eyes. Not good for my heart. "The brass is done. They're back on the shelves, which are also cleaned. Do you want me to take them back out for you to check?"

There are a few seconds when her eyes appeared bigger...rounder. Cuter. Even her bangs can't hide the raised eyebrows.

"You shouldn't have done it by yourself. Hang on, I'll get an extra cloth to help you,"

"I have it," Because I know the janitor's room is a bit far from here and I'll lose 5 to 8 minutes to spend with her. "I brought these from home. Works better than a wet cloth,"

"Well that's...surprising,"

"Is it? It's microfiber, generally better at removing dusts. That's what I read anyways," I did contemplate on not being a geek for about 0.01 second there, but what can I say? It comes oh so naturally.

"No, I meant the fact that you brought it from home. I don't think I've ever met anyone here that's so..." Geeky? "Well-prepared. And that's a compliment, by the way," She nonchalantly said as she took a seat in front of me. "I know what microfiber is, you know," She rolled her eyes.

Did she think I was insulting her...like Lee Ha Kun thought I had insulted him? "I wasn't trying to say anything, please don't take it the wrong way," The words slipped fast. I've accidentally tripped many times before but the fear in those 0.04 seconds between life and falling on your knees is nothing compared to this!

Thankfully, she didn't roll her eyes like Lee Ha Kun did. She might tell the whole school (or the entire city) later, but at least I've apologized. She might change her mind. Wait – maybe the apology wasn't clear. "That was me saying I'm sorry,"

"You're too cute!" She giggled. I blinked. "You're very different than what I've heard,"

"What – what've you heard?" Heard...means someone talked. Who? Wait – so that means she's heard of me before! She knew my name – Lalisa Manoban has heard of my name!

"That you're rude and cocky," Not good things. Heh...figures.

Suddenly I'm hit with an eagerness to run to the library and find that book – any book resembling Handling Unrequited Love Before It's Too Late. This is by far, the worst idea I've ever had. What was I thinking – agreeing to get involved in all these works?? 

"You're also very smart. Which made me wonder why you even need any help for your college application. You know you can do better than this,"

"You sound like Mrs. Gwan,"

She sighed a laugh, looking down to the cymbal in her hand. "I like her. I think her eyes are very beautiful," I think your eyes are very beautiful. "She showed me her picture once – back when she was young. I could tell that she was quite popular in her days. She likes to relive it too. She said guys would follow her around and tell her that she should be like the girls in the magazines," The little giggle is most definitely not good for my heart.

"Did she bitch about my lack of response and asked your help to fix it?"

My question made her laugh. "I didn't know Jeon Jungkook could swear!" It was loud. But I didn't mind it. In fact, it made me smile the widest. "I'd pay to see her bitch about anyone but sadly, she's always the sweetest. I once asked her to consider taking down a poster in her room and you know what she said to me? She said 'no, Lisa. I'm not fond of it too but Mr. Hwang gifted it to me 4 years ago. He always smiles when he looks at it, it'll make me feel so bad'," She mimicked the soft voice of Mrs. Gwan successfully in my opinion.

"The lions?"

"Yes! Oh my God – you thought of it too!"

I nodded with a small laugh – particularly happy to know that I now share a common interest with Lalisa Manoban. "I didn't get the message,"

"Exactly! Like, okay, what are we supposed to do then – growl all the time?? I'm pretty sure half of the seniors are already doing that and they didn't look like a trustworthy, potential leaders to me," 

"Run faster. Eat lots of meat,"

"Stay in your packs,"

"Consists of only masculine figures,"

"Seriously, lionesses do all the work, and these males take all the posters,"

"It's the mane. You gotta look fabulous to be on posters,"

She laughed louder and I embrace the credits for it.

...

The sky was still bright when Lalisa caught me leaving at the school gate. I had no idea why I never thought of her walking back home before. The idea of her in my mind has always been about this beautiful, charismatic, perfect girl who has everything prepped and ready for her. That includes the back and forth ride to school. I was wrong. She said she always walks back home after she's done with her day.

I always see books or files hugged across her chest, and only now I notice her constant clutching the bag strap with her delicate fingers. It's cute...but it also makes me wonder. Read People Like A Book said it's human nature to hold onto something - even something small - when you're anxious or nervous. Is she anxious or nervous to be walking beside me? Maybe I should say something...

Courage for Beginners, Chapter 11: Most Effective Ice Breakers for Girls
1. Those are nice... (insert accessory)! She's in a school uniform...with no accessories aside from her plain, yellow bag. Do I compliment the bag even if I have seen it many times?
2. Oh...did you hear about... (insert latest news). Ugh...why can't I think of anything -
3. (Your city) is really (the weather) today! Okay...this feels safe.

"Busan is really windy today!" Her shoulders flinched and I realized how loud that was. I look away and wish I could disappear, then she giggled.

"It's like this every day, I think. It's Spring,"

Yeah...she's right. What else...

"That's a nice bag!"

She glanced over her shoulder, still with the same smile. "Thank you, Jungkook. Your bag looks nice too,"

... "Thank you," ...news...I need news...

"Jungkook..." She called, but her face is fixed on the ground. "Are you like...scared of people or something? Is that why you don't talk much?"

I don't know why my left hand automatically makes its way to my hair. Maybe I'm anxious...or nervous. Maybe because she called out something personal.

"No...not really..." I stopped because I don't know how to explain it, but she stares at me for a good few seconds as if she's expecting me to go on. "I just seem to be bad at starting a conversation," And...she's still waiting. "So I let everyone else do the talking...but most of the time they don't. So I didn't,"

She lets out an 'ahh' and I like to believe that she understands. "I heard of the genius kid who got a letter from KAIST but denied it. I kept wondering who it was. I noticed you on my first year actually. At the school library. You look like you were heading towards me but then you turned back. I didn't know then that you were that kid,"

Oh...so she saw me the first time I saw her too? "I'm not a genius,"

She sighed a small laugh. "They were saying how cold and rude he was...like he was better than everyone else," Ouch...what a way to give an impression! "I've seen you sitting by yourself at lunches and I thought...come on, he wouldn't have denied KAIST if he thought so highly of himself! And I thought, maybe it's the opposite...what's going on in that big mind of yours?"

To compare the size of my brain with the rest of the pupils in our school needs some further research, but even without it, I don't think mine is particularly, obviously big. 

"That was my lane actually," I point to the alley we passed, about a hundred meters back. 

Her lips formed an 'o' before she continued, "Take a different route today,"

I know I shouldn't dip my feet into this strange water. I should not be walking aimlessly and so comfortably with someone else's girlfriend. It's not just a moral principle...it's also because I have been fine with being under anyone's radar these past few years - I don't think I want to get beaten up by the most loved athlete of the school. But standing between that same principle and Lalisa with the potential of having war marks ruining the color of my skin, I choose her. 

"So...KAIST...what made you turn them down?"

"I'm not a genius," It's funny how I never felt embarrassed over pretending to be the lesser, but I do now. She kept probing into my life decision and it's making me nervous.

"Fine. You're not a genius. Just highly intelligent - does that sound better?"

"I might replace 'highly' with 'little' in there. I can live with 'a little intelligent'," I laugh down to my fidgeting fingers, aware that her sigh reflects infuriation. "Sorry. I'm not used to people my age...convincing me of these things,"

"What do you really think of yourself then?"

That's a really tough question...I might not sleep tonight, trying to come up with the answer. 

"The adults...they kept telling me how...how better I was than the rest. Or - or how I belong with a different set of people. I just...wanna be...normal. I can't do that...if they keep pulling me out,"

"You can't do it by keeping to yourself either,"

"There's um...there's no shield, if that's what you're thinking. My thoughts aren't always...exactly easy to understand,"

"You're doing so well now, with me,"

True...but it could also be because she's one of the few that's patient enough to keep up. 

"Alright, hit me with your best shot!" She stops abruptly, surprising me a little. "I'm gonna re-introduce myself and you're gonna say whatever that comes into your mind,"

What...?

"I'm Lalisa Manoban!" Wait - wait, she gave no room for any thinking process! "I'm from Thailand. My dad passed away when I was a baby. My mom got married to my current dad and we've been staying in Busan for about eight years now," Her eyes sparkles with excitement and I couldn't look away. "I'm an only child. I have five cats and a dog at home and I like watching movies when it rains. Who are you?"

I'm still staring when she extends her palm out, a queue for me to start talking. "Jeon Jungkook!" Dipping my head, I started collecting everything that's on my mind. 

"I live with my mom! She likes to make me pancakes in the morning because she knows I like it! There's a stray dog that we feed every day! I like to read! A lot! And I'm trying to paint! My dad used to be a painter! So I'm trying to paint!" My vision is black and when I open my eyes, I peek a little to find that she's still smiling...waiting...then it's black again. "I like spending time at the library! I was going to help you take the book out! I think you have the most beautiful eyes! And the most beautiful face! And you're so kind for helping me with my application! Please take care of me!"

I'm not sure how long the silence was before I hear her first giggles. It took a while for me to recall on what I just said too and when I have, I felt like Busan had stopped being windy. My back felt damp with sweats!

"That's...not that bad. We just need to work on filtering...and not shouting," I should find it strange that her smile stopped my whining mind, but all I could do was smiling shyly down to the ground as if her 'not that bad' was a compliment. "And just so we're levelled, I think you have the most beautiful eyes too, Jungkook,"

...

I've gone through 13 different books on the subject of 'crushing crushes' within a span of a month and because I'm currently in 'a mood', let me tell you this – what a load of time-wasting craps! Step one in most of the books are saying 'force yourself to stay away, physically, verbally, and mentally'.

Lalisa Manoban catches up with me almost every day, and as much as I wanted to stay away, I just can't. There's this thing called 'responsibility' that I take very seriously now, especially when she assigns me tasks with that very soft and cute voice of hers. Which leads to why I'm always failing at step two: do not take anything personally. With the same soft and cute voice, she would sound so genuine in her thanks and praises. How the fuck can I not take it personally??

The more time she spends with me, the more time I spend laying on my bed at night thinking 'I'm fucked'. It's not just about the face anymore – she shared details about herself and now my crush has grown further than the spectrums of A - Z. Suddenly all those poetry books I've ever read that made no sense at all relates back to her, and I found myself writing stuff out of 3am's thoughts like:

Your eyes sparkle today like pearls at the bottom of the Indian ocean
Waves of strongest stampedes charging in synchronized motion
Looks as beautiful as your dark brown shades that appears golden
Like my untold dreams waiting under the sun
Any gaze that falls on your lips taunt me like the crystal air
Longer than the smoke of any collidingmeteorites in despair

See? I'm totally fucked! And now she's tricked me into getting in the car with her to 'get quotations for homecoming banners and balloons' when her ultimate, hidden goal is to drive me to Pusan National University and inspire the hidden talent in me but am I upset? Of course not – why would I be? Gone were all the advice from the books, I get to spend 45 minutes (so far) with her in the car. Alone.

"Have you ever been to Dadaepo?" She asked, still bopping her head slightly to the soft beats of the song playing in the car.

"I don't think I have..."

"You should go...summer break, let's go,"

What did the books said about taking things personally again? "You're asking me to go with you?"

"Yup!" I have a good memory...I thought I had a good memory. All the while – "I went there once, with the fam. It's really peaceful there, the beach was empty when I went. The view was amazing and the water's warm,"

"I've read about it too,"

"It's a nice place to enjoy your fun if you're the quiet type. Do you like hanging out at the beach?"

I laugh even though there's nothing funny about her question. I get nervous whenever she points out the introversion in me. "I can't say... I haven't gone out to the beach that many times in my life,"

"Really? What do you do on summer breaks then?" 

"I just...stay at home or - or the library. My mom's a single parent so she works a lot,"

She nods patiently. "Do you always wait for your mom to bring you out?"

"No!" Geez – that's so embarrassing! "I just...didn't wanna worry her,"

"So you can't go with me this summer break?"

"I can!" Summer break is 3 months from now but I'm wishing it's tomorrow just so I can prove that I'm not a total loser! "I can go anywhere I want. I - I just didn't have any places in mind to go before so –"

She pulls the brake at the traffic light and turns to face me. The little smile is holding deep thoughts and it's making me nervous. Surely, she could tell that I don't have any friends in school by now.

"You read a lot. You should loan me a really good book – maybe I'll understand this love you have for them. There must be a lot of amazing things you get from them. But also...maybe you should start living it? Who knows, it might be better than the books,"

...

They say you meet the best kind of people unexpectedly. Like in an ordinary day when a girl you've never dreamt would even spare a glance at you suddenly show up out of nowhere and talk to you in front of your school's track field, for instance. And like now, when I finally get to meet another person that I would admire, aside from myself - just kidding! Aside from Yoongi, of course!

Kim Namjoon stands tall in front of me. With both hands in his pockets, I'm sure his small eyes are calmly dissecting my nervous ones. He hadn't spoken a lot of words since Lisa brought me into this classic, brown-furnished room to meet with the Editorial team, but every word out of him sounded deeply moving, for some reason. Like his welcome greeting to me that almost sounded poetic,

"We value good details in here, Jungkook-ssi. The details always tell the story."

To which I blindly responded with,

"I'm good with statistics."

To which had Park Jimin giggling like a toddler. No really, he really do look like a cute little boy in kindergarten with small flaying palms trying to cover his blushing pink cheeks when people started singing 'if you're happy and you know it clap your hands' - but he ended up clapping his cheeks instead. Not sure if you understand what I'm trying to say -

"Oh hello! You must be the infamous Jeon Jungkook, I'm Jisoo," A girl came out from a small room on the left, carrying a stack of stapled papers and a wide grin. Infamous...meaning 'having a reputation of the worst kind'. Is she talking about that Lee Ha Kun incident or my overall presence? "Lisa told me about you - wow, you're taller up close! And with dimples too - you're so cute! Your arms look strong -"

"We're strongly against harassment," Lisa pursed her lips but Jisoo's wide grin is still there. 

They seem to be exchanging weird glances with each other but I can't keep observing what it's about since Kim Namjoon is still in front of me...either trying to communicate with me telepathically or intimidate the hell out of me - I'm not sure how smart he really is if it's the former. 

"Are you good with typewriters, Jungkook-ssi?" Kim Namjoon asks...seriously.

Typewriters? Why are we using typewriters? What century have I walked into? "Are we out of computers?" I glanced around. There are 4 computers on the long desk, each with its own keyboards.

"We actually prefer feathered pens and wax stamps. No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man," 

...why...does he...sound...so fucking cool??

"He broke the typewriter. He's asking if you know how to repair it cus he didn't want the school to find out and asks him to pay for it," Park Jimin laughed, breaking my possibly embarrassingly twinkling eyes.

"I didn't break it, Chim. The thing just fell out of my hand," 

"O...kay...so all's good?" Lisa claps her hand. "I'll leave him here with you guys then!"

"Where you off to, Lali?" 

"I have tutoring in five minutes. Then I need to drop off some books donated to the library," Tutoring...books to the library. She's so...involved.

"Will you make it in time for deary later?"

I try to switch off my hearing capabilities at this point but zoning out has been a little challenging since Lisa stepped into my life. Deary...is that her friends' cute-call in reference to her boyfriend? It sounds nauseating. Or maybe it's just me and my stupid crush that finds it nauseating. 

"Not sure but I'll try! And oh...Jungkook!" I turn when she calls my name. Of course I do. "Fighting!" 

She squeezed her palms together in fists, looking real fucking cute that I could just die! 

...

The head of the Editorial Club's small room is a mess, I must say. But the good kind. Notes with cursive handwritings are pinned on the walls, along with a large world map, printed photographs of maybe the who's-who, and a few certificates to which I didn't have much time to read through since I was more drawn towards the notes. 

Roots spilling over
reaching for sunshine
hoping to be kissed by light

And another,

I had to be less afraid
to be more alive
peaceful life abounds

And another,

All the days blending together like stew
but not a good stew

Huh??

"Do you like haikus, Jungkook-ssi?"

Oh...is that what these are? "You wrote these?"

"I did for some...some are just inspirations," He answers nonchalantly as he tries to find something on his desk. "I swear I put it on here," He continues scrambling around the papers. "Do you see any glasses around - make yourself useful,"

I do see 'any' glasses around - I'm seeing two glasses actually. One just beside his screen monitor, which is most likely the one he's been searching for - about 2 palms away from where he's currently searching. Another is on the shelf behind him. I know I needed to question my admiration for his persona and choice of words from his problematic eyesight alone but I'm just too amused.

"Ah, thanks!" He smiled when I handed him the item. "As I was saying...your first task is to fix the typewriter,"

He wasn't anywhere near 'fix the typewriter' topic but I let him slide. I do wonder about his age though. I've seen him in Lisa's crowd many times before but I can't remember if I had ever been in the same class as him throughout the years. And I have a very good memory...I think. Jeez...I spent way too much time with Lisa, I'm beginning to lose it.

"Um...what class are you in?"

"Excuse me?" His tone sounds like he's disgruntled. Seriously, I can't even open my damn mouth without anyone being offended!

"Sorry, just...ignore that. Typewriter!" 

I went straight to the right, where the typewriter is obviously waiting for my questionably skilled hands. It looks pretty normal to me. How the hell am I supposed to find what needed fixing? Have I read anything on typewriters before...let's see...Gramophone, Film, Typewriter...no, that's about the history. The Art of Typewriting...ahh the title's literally what it is! Aish...this won't do. 

I began pressing on each keytop, contemplating on asking if I can carry this old thing back home with me so I can figure out how to fix it. But I already offended him once, I'd hate it if he kicks me out of the club for just being practical! But is there really any point at all pressing all these keys without knowing how this thing actually works??

"I um...can I do some research first? I don't wanna break it even more," 

He came to my side and stares at it. After a few seconds, he says, "I just wanted to try it. I first saw it two years ago, since I got to manage the club. It's been in the store room all those times...just longing to be let out and make itself useful. I really can't do right with my hands anymore," Why does it sound like he's about to cry?? Hang on -

"Two years?" I thought the clubs are always led by seniors? 

"I'm not a student, Jungkook-ssi. I'm an English teacher for first grade," Oh...well that explains the bitterness! 

"You hung out with the students..."

"I have a young and wild heart, what can I say?" The writings on the wall makes it hard to believe. "The teachers here are way older...and judgy. I don't quite fit in,"

It's nice to know that there's a misfit even among our teachers. Makes me feel slightly enthusiastic about my future. The bunch must've looked up to Kim Namjoon. I only just met him ten minutes ago and I already think he's the coolest. Perhaps if I still can't adapt socially in the next phase of my life, I can rely being the coolest among the younger ones, just like him? I probably have to start practicing haikus from now.

...

"Are they nice to you? Be honest with me,"

Ever since I let myself be dragged and worked around by Lisa and her seemingly endless list of acquaintances, Yoongi has been acting a little protective. He's now like an older brother that I never had. I imagined I'd complain and get annoyed a lot...probably lock him out of my room if it ever becomes real.

"No punches so far," I lay down on the rooftop cement, closing my eyes while enjoying the spring breeze. "Physically or mentally,"

"You'll tell me right? If they bully you or something,"

"And you're gonna give me...moral support?" I grinned cus really, what's he gonna do? Kick their asses for me? No offence to him but he really doesn't look like the type that could kick anyone's asses - no matter the broody glare that naturally sits on his face. The most I think Yoongi could do in a fight is intimidate his opponent with a stare challenge. The guy will win if it's just that. 

"I'd smack some sense into your head, that's what," He chuckled and so did I. "Whatever it is...just stand your ground. High schoolers can be fucking hooligans...the really stupid ones can't even tell they did something wrong until it's too late,"

I open back my eyes and see him staring out to the open sky. At times like this, I wonder if he had gone through a lot when he was my age. It wasn't in our system...to talk about personal history of each other, but I do wonder from time to time. What was Min Yoongi like when he was in high school?

Was he an outcast for his poor social skills too? Was he being pushed aside because he was smart too? Or was he the one who pushed and tore everyone apart, for not being able to rise to his expectations? When he says things like this, it makes me wonder if he was the bully or has he ever been bullied? I read that asking for more details opens up a discussion field, which will lead you into practicing your interpersonal skill. 

"Hyung..." But it would be a cringe to suddenly asks... "Were you..." Palms sweaty...mum's spaghetti... "When you were..." 

"Small talk," Yoongi turns to me. "Start with small talks,"

I took a deep breath as if I just ran a mile. It's really hard to find an acceptably good words to use! "What was your grade like?" 

Yoongi bursts out laughing. It's probably the first time I've ever seen him laugh this hard. "I should've known your definition of a 'small talk' would include numbers! Aishh..." He rubs his eyes as if he just cried. 

See, this is why Jeon Jungkook no longer tries. 

"I ranked second in Arts,"

"That good huh?" I say, cus I don't know how else to continue.

"I had a teacher who told me to not give a shit about what others say. He made me push myself to get into college. He could've just let me sleep,"

It reminds me of Mrs Gwan's many lectures and her 'you're so much better than this'. I always thought it was her usual structure of sentences when kids like me enters the room...now I wish it's especially said just for me. Perhaps I'd be a little more enthusiastic for the future if someone had treated me that special. So self-centred, I know...

"Maybe follow it up with 'so you like to sleep in classes'?" 

I laugh because I'm a good joke, to be honest. 

...

When I left school that day, I find my name being called out loudly from the side of a street. It's the first time that it ever happened so naturally, I look around for any possible hidden camera. I thought it must've been a lame prank by someone who desperately wants to see Jeon Jungkook showing any kinds of reaction. I was wrong. It came from the popular crowd's table, sitting at a coffee shop. Lisa's crowd.

Even from across the street, I can see the scandalous whispering from few at the table. I look up to the signage and it says 'Deary Cafe'. Oh...so it wasn't a cute call at all?  Slowly reaching their table, I scan the faces that's scanning me. The two other girls that's always with Lisa, Jisoo and Jimin, and...Kim Taehyung. No Lisa.

"You just left school?" Park Jimin's eyes smile brighter than the evening's sky. "Join us!"

I contemplate if 'this' is the prank. I even took my bag off in extra slow motion, just in case someone pops up to shout 'bitch, you thought!'.  Of course, the dramatic subconscious in me can't help but feel anxious. 

Where's Lisa? Is she still not done at the library? I know it's wrong for me to wish she is here since her boyfriend is sitting right across from me, but it'll be nice if a familiar, friendly face can guide me through this. Especially when all eyes are just on me...as if waiting for me to say something. 

"How's um...how's everyone's day?" Small talks...small talks...

"Park Chaeyoung!" One of the two beams, suddenly introducing herself.

"Ah...Jeon Jungkook!" I dipped my head a little even when she didn't. Not shouting...Lalisa said to not shout. The girls giggled. Fuck, I feel like a baby saying his first words! I wonder if my mom was this happy when I first mumbled 'mama'.

"You're in Drama too, right? I thought I saw you in the audition last month," Park Chaeyoung has a good memory too. 

I wonder if she also remembers how she cuts my audition off because she came in late and instead of waiting for her turn like everyone else, took the stage immediately because 'it's cheer practice in ten minutes'. Not that I cared so much about it. That's how I got Chorus Member Number 9 by the way. I was just too turned off by the 'special attention for special people' that I volunteered without even trying. 

"Yes...you're the lead,"

"Why did you stay back so late? Were you fixing the typewriter?" Jisoo asks before she took a sliced donut and pops it in her mouth. "You can take your time, you know. He breaks things all the time. Don't sweat too much about it,"

"Who are we talking about?" The other girl asks. Jennie...if I'm not mistaken. I heard a teacher calling for her at a hallway one time.

"Who else like to break things?"

"Oh yeah...Namjoon! You just joined Editorial, right?" 

I nod slowly as my mind began wondering how easy it is for them to call a teacher by his first name. Oh wise philosopher, I pray you never be disrespected! 

"Oh...don't let him work you too hard! You won't be able to keep up - especially when he starts talking about his visions. I'll start singing in my head if he starts being all serious," Park Chaeyoung pouts.

"He can be funny too - ya'll just lack intelligent humor," Jisoo rolled her eyes and grins. 

"Hey, he's all good - always chilling right?" Jimin pats on my back. I nod even if I can't agree. 

My face is just habitually rested to being unbothered - looking like I'm 'chilling' even when I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown. Here, now, is a good example. I've never been surrounded by more than one person asking for my attention...and now there's 4, excluding the guy who's sitting back, only staring at me. Frankly speaking, I'm too afraid to open my mouth in case it might offend anyone. What do I even say?

Topics for Icebreaker Questions for High School Students:
1. Do you play any sports? Park Chaeyoung and Jennie is in cheerleading squad and Kim Taehyung...pshh why would I even ask this? I'd look like an ignorant fool!
2. Do you play any instruments? It'll be weird to be asking this out of the blue!
3. Do you have any hidden talents? Nope -
4. What are you most excited about this year? I'm sure it's graduating, come on brain, find something!
5. If you could live in one fictional universe, which one would you choose?
Jeez...none of these questions are applicable in my real-life situation - I'm beginning to wonder my selection of books now!

"Are you naturally quiet or are you just an antisocial person, Jungkook?" Kim Taehyung asks, snapping me out from my mind. 

Palms sweating... "I uh..." I don't know why he intimidates me so much. Maybe because I have a crush on his girlfriend? 

"Yahh...you can't just put him in the spot like that - that's rude!" Jisoo frowns on behalf of me...thank God! I mean...what happened to small talks??

"Don't mind him, Jungkook. He's just a little thirsty," Jennie smirks and earns a glare from the guy. "Anyway, are you going to the party?"

"Party?" What party? Not only from me to them, but their question too, is the first.

"Lisa's birthday. She haven't asks you yet?" Jisoo hissed as Park Chaeyoung said it. Frowns and whispers were exchanged. Too bad I don't speak frowning, whispering high school girls. "She's probably busy. She'll get the invite to you soon, I bet,"

I wanted to say that it's okay. That she doesn't have to make me feel good about not getting an invite. I'm very used to not getting any invites aside from open school contests or competitions. I don't think not getting an invite to a birthday party would hurt my feelings...even if the said birthday girl is someone I like. 

And...the boyfriend's still staring at me.

...

"Jeon Jungkook!" 

It seems that my name's been shouted often the past couple of weeks. Twice by Park Jimin, thrice by Kim Jisoo, once by Park Chaeyoung, and this is the second time Lalisa Manoban is shouting my name across the hallway. A lot of heads turned, probably wondering if she called out the wrong name or something. Meanwhile, I'm wondering if these occurrences has made me Jeon Jungkook 2.0 yet. 

The sweet, cheerful smile is still not good for my heart. And her small skipping towards me is making it worse. 

"Where are you going?" She starts walking close beside me.

"The library," I'm not sure why I lied. Truth is...I probably ate something bad and now my stomach is having its chronic stress or die moment. But I can't let her know that. "Do you need me to do something?" 

"I'm really sorry...I've been so busy with the Homecoming and CSR club that I haven't had much time to see you," 

We passed by the Boys' room and I felt like saying sorry to the door. Wait - 

"Why are you apologizing to me?"

She stops walking so I stop too. Then she flipped the pages of one the books she held onto, taking out a pale yellow envelope. "I passed this to your class president cus I couldn't find you last Thursday. He only came back to me this morning...asking if I'm sure I wrote the name right. He's so annoying," 

The way she rolled her eyes as she called my class president 'annoying' is so hot, I could just -

"I'd be really happy if you could come," 

"...you...would?"

Were her cheeks already glowing pink when she first came up to me? How did I not notice those cute blush? 

"Very much,"

Why is my stomach squeezing tighter??

...

"Are you sure you don't need me to drive you? I can drop you off far from the place – no one'll know I'm there," My eyes darted to her hands, nervously brushing over my brown jacket before handing it to me. "What if you get drunk and forgot your way back home? At least I know where it is and I can fetch you later,"

"I'm not getting drunk, mom," It feelsweird to be having this conversation. "No one's getting drunk. I'll be home in an hour,"

"Take your time, honey. It's okay, don't worry about curfews – just enjoy your time with your friends. Just don't do anything crazy,"

Seemingly a fair response from a mother who's watching her 17-year-old son going out this late on a school night for the first time of his life. I'm not going to argue with her being extra like this. Not tonight.

Tonight is a big night. Lalisa Manoban has invited me to her birthday party. I have the Haruki Murakami Norwegian Wood wrapped nicely in a yellow, tulips-patterned paper. I contemplated on having a cute ribbon on it but dismissed the idea when it blossomed into a Happy Birthday card with 'You're so special to me' written inside. There's no need to act like a puppy in love. Even if, day by day, it's apparent that I'm becoming one.

The address she gave isn't that far from mine, so I opted to just walk. It gives me time to think on the many ways I will not make a fool of myself. I don't know who else is going to be there. I hope – although hopes are really not my thing – I sure hope there aren't that many people. Would feel really awkward for me to stand alone throughout the 45 minutes I'll be spending there!

...

See, there's a reason why hopes are not my thing. It gives false and naïve impression within a certain period, and it blurs out the mind from coming up with plans for whatever it is reality might be presenting. I think her house would've looked bigger without these teenagers swamping around.

Yoongi warned me incessantly to be mindful for attending this party. He kept saying how often it is in the movies where the victims (a.k.a me) get lured into cults and bullying frenzies (a.k.a popular kids) and this is one of the scenes. I thanked him for watching these movies but personally, I don't think anyone would want me in their cult. 

I'd be the most passive (yet smart enough to not kill anyone or myself) participant ever. But there's a possibility that I might fall into it if they put Lalisa in charge so to ease his mind, I let him put his number on my Emergency dial list. He said he'll free his night in case I needed an escape. Again, I'm grateful to have one more person aside from my mom who's being extra over me attending a party.

I kept my head bent low as I entered the house – trying hard to pretend not to notice the many stares pointed at me. I'd like to think they're admiring my ironed and brushed jacket but they're probably wondering where on earth do I get the balls to crash this party. Thankfully, I brought the small card with the address to prove in case anyone tries to stop me. The words 'don't be noticed' repeating in my thoughts are slowly fading off with every step taken. Obviously, no one would greet me.

That's cool. I don't need anyone to talk to me. Who has time for talking anyway? Not this guy - nope! The house is spacious but on top of this sea of teenagers and my social embarrassment, the sounds of thumping bass occupy all corners and spaces – making it feel smaller. It's becoming clear that I'm not a part of this crowd. That's cool too. I'll just find Lalisa, hand this gift to her, leave and never speak of my underdressed presence tonight ever again.

"Jungkook!"

Park Chaeyoung cuts through the crowd and ran at me – her body plastering itself on mine when she couldn't find it in herself to stop in time. When she leans back, there's a huge grin on her face and I know she's happy. Happily drunk.

"Jungkook is here!!" Again, she happily announced. Is she always this excited with everyone?

"Lali's been waiting for you – she just wouldn't shut up!" She has? "Come on!" She grabbed my hand and starts pulling me forward. There's a lot going on – chattering and dancing and cheering and kissing and smoking and shouting – but honestly, I'm just trying my best to keep my face from asking 'what the fuck else am I expecting?'.

"Tae's uncle owns a liquor store and he totally agreed that a party's not a party without booze so he gave shitloads of beer for us tonight. I thought it was a crazy story cus who – ever in this world – has an uncle who'd be so nice like that?? But then Tae said that his uncle's twenty-eight so it made a lot of sense,"

Did it? How so? Are 28-years-olds known to be giving beers freely to underaged teenagers? Is it a phase that all 28-years-olds go through? Will I feel like giving a 17-year-old beer when I'm 28? I've never heard or read any of this theory. Wait, does this mean this party is Kim Taehyung's efforts for Lalisa? Is this house his too?

"She's at the pool – wait till you see the pool, it's to die for!" 

To die for...I guessed she meant that the pool is nice? I doubt that I'll ever die for a pool – no matter how nice it is though. We kept wandering in between people and I can't help but scanning through the surrounding. Everywhere I looked, there are plastic cups in everyone's hands. Happy smiles and raucous sounds of what I assume are non-sober partying. So many brightly colored attires, it makes me feel like an alien. But then again, I've always been the alien. 

"Lali!!" She shouts again as we entered the porch. I had to stretch my neck a little to find her and when I do, my heart did a pre-atrial contraction. That's the skipping thing. Lalisa is sitting on one of the deck chairs, along with her friends...and boyfriend. I probably should just save this gift for another time. "Look who I found! It's Jeon Jungkook!"

Really, there's no need to announce it. I'm contemplating on taking out my phone and press on the emergency dial! Lalisa got up with a big smile and twinkling eyes. Wearing an embroidered white dress, she walked barefoot towards us. Her hair is kept lose and the slight swift of wind delicately brushed on them. She looked like an angel I read in a book when I was 9. It felt like a slow-motion scene. 

"You came," Her voice had to be loud to wake me from a trance – or maybe because of the music.

"I found him – there you go!" Park Chaeyoung handed my hand as if I'm a mic. Please don't drop it. "Don't you just love me? Say you love me!"

"I love you, thanks Chae," I watched in awe as Lalisa held my hand tightly – partly noticing a bright, green-colored dressed girl coming up behind her.

"Only Chae? Where's mine??" That's Jennie, hugging Lalisa from the back and kissing her on the cheek.

"I love you too, you know I do,"

"Are we doing a group hug?? No one told me we're doing a group hug!" And Jisoo makes an appearance.

I'm getting a little confused – is this not Lalisa's birthday party? Why does it seem like she's the only one who's not as happily drunk as the others? Now the 4 girls are doing their 'group hug', with my hand stuck in Lalisa's. I'm not sure how to respond to this...this excitement.

"Okay, I'm gonna get Jungkook a drink now –" I can tell that she's sorry. Her face gave it away.

She began dragging me away while I try to process the 'don't keep him to yourself' and 'ask Tae for protection' from her friends. There's just so much going on, I think I might resort to having my first taste of beer tonight!

"I'm sorry. They told the basketball team and one thing led to another. It wasn't supposed to be this crowded," She said when we got to the kitchen and sadly, after she lets go of my hand. "We have juice...beer if you want,"

What's with the hesitation? Did she think I can't handle a beer? Does she know I've never had a beer? "What are you having?"

"Juice. I can't drink much, I'll get sick,"

Ahh... "Juice then, thank you. I can't drink much either," I left the reason why part out because why the fuck would I embarrass myself further?

After handing me the plastic cup filled with orange juice, she muttered how it's too loud to have a decent conversation and led me to the back of the house – out to another porch but with a much smaller yard. I can't tell if the greens are bushes or properly tended garden as it's a little dark, but there's a concrete bench overlooking them.

I followed when she took a seat, and it suddenly dawned on me that the music has now became nothing but a distant whiff. She took a sip of her juice...and I do the same. 18 seconds passed and it's becoming clear that there's an awkward vibe floating around us. I need to say something – I really need to say something! Oh -

"I got this for you. Happy birthday,"

Even in the dark, I could see her eyes shining with excitement. She started peeling off the wrapper aggressively while muttering, "You're ridiculous – I told you, you don't have to get me any –" And there's a gasp. "You saw me picked it up!"

I did so I grinned. It was on that trip to Pusan National University, where we toured to the library. Books vs Lalisa – of course she had my attention!

"It's a good book. Old...but still good,"

"I told you to loan me one, not buy me one,"

"It doesn't seem like a good birthday gift...to loan you one. I hope you'll like it,"

"I know I'll love it! Thank you, Jungkook!"

That wide, genuine smile...ugh. " So...you're enjoying your party?"

"It's better now," She placed the book on her lap and smiles down to it. Did no one else came with a gift?

Still, I try my best to come up with more lines than the usual. "There's a bookstore in Dadaepo. I searched it up. If you like...maybe we can drop by...when we go to the beach?" I try my luck – just to check if she remembers the invitation 3 weeks ago. 

"We can go wherever you wanna go, Jungkook. You should know that whenever I see you -"

The glass door behind us swung open and both of our heads turned. I was so ready to hiss at whoever it is that cuts off what she was gonna say before I see Kim Taehyung standing tall from my view - frowning at Lalisa. I take a deep breath, wondering how on Earth did I forgot that the girl I'm sitting alone in the dark with has a boyfriend. 

"What - I throw a party for you and you make out at the back?"

It should scare me but it didn't. Maybe because he is smirking rather than shouting in rage. Or maybe because Lalisa is still fixed in her seat next to me. 

"Don't be an ass, Tae," Okay, now I'm scared. Lalisa is the one scolding him...and she just called her boyfriend an 'ass'. 

"Um..." As much as I wanna keep talking to her like this, I didn't wanna get her into any trouble. "No, he's right. Sorry. I just wanna give her the present," 

Yoongi's probably gonna slap some sense into me for not standing my ground, but there's a fine line I know I shouldn't cross here. 

"Don't mind my rude cousin, he's going through some stuff,"

...cousin...? Sorry, what?

...

One thing changed when we head back into the party. That is, my heart starts to beat faster and louder. Lalisa went around somewhere after giving me directions on where the bathroom is. I climbed upstairs to update my mom that it might be more than an hour...and also trying to figure out whether I heard her right while staring at my own reflection in the mirror - trying to make sense of what just happened.

She said 'cousin'. Kim Taehyung is her cousin? Kim Taehyung...is her cousin?? How the hell are Lalisa Manoban and Kim Taehyung cousins?? Wait - come to think of it, I've never actually seen them holding hands...or kiss...not even a little peck on the cheek. How the hell did I came to the conclusion that they're a couple in the first place?!

Jeon Jungkook...is not that smart after all. Okay...okay, let's go back to strategizing the next hour. Now that I know she doesn't have a boyfriend, I might have a chance...right? She did say I'd make her really happy if I'm here. So now I'm here. What next? Maybe I can revisit that Dadaepo question? Ask her out on a date?

Okay...that sounds like a plan! That sounds like a really good plan! Not that well-thought-out, but still a good plan! Okay Jeon Jungkook! Let's go get that date Jeon Jungkook!! 

"Guess who else I saw here tonight? Jeon Jungkook,"

I heard my name being called out, followed by a few shrieks, gasps and giggles from unknown voices. It stopped my tracks and I leaned on the wall, trying to hide from whoever these girls are that's sharing the staircase.

"She can't be serious - did she legit invited the whole freaking school here??"

I know I shouldn't eavesdrop on high-schoolers' gossips but I strongly feel I shouldn't let this pass. My confidence game was too strong that I really think I could get away with this.

"Ugh...maybe filter out the creepy losers and weirdos, please! We're seniors now, we should be able to do things around people we're comfortable with!"

I can feel 20% of my confidence level crumbling. Which one am I? The creepy loser or the creepy weirdo?  And what things do they think they're not allowed to do at this party with me around? I wish I can just come out and give them a pat on the shoulders, saying 'I really, whole-heartedly don't give a single fuck about what you wanna do here, so please, go do it!'.

"I mean...he is quite cute. You should see him in PE. I drooled when he brushed his hair back,"

Thank you. For drooling over me in PE. Whoever you are.

"Please, I bet she feels sorry for him. You know I overheard at lunchtime last month...Lali said to Chae and Jen that Jeon Jungkook doesn't have any friends. She's always a sucker for charity works, I kinda feel bad for her,"

...right...

...well then...

...there goes the remaining 80%! I'm not sure why my hands are shaking as if it's my first time hearing someone bitch about me behind my back. I should probably check on it later. Now...now...now I just need to get out of here.

...

I've been gulping air from the passenger window of Yoongi's car...but I still feel it's not enough. More than just breathless, I feel like vomiting, really. 

"You wanna tell me what happened?" His voice is calmer now. When I first jumped into his car, he shouted 'who the fuck do I need to kill?!' like some growling cat on the loose. Maybe a kitten, I don't know.

"Wet socks,"

"What?"

I take one more deep breath and lean back on the headrest. "Wet socks. I don't know what else to call this..."

"You're wearing wet socks? That's...so...not comfortable,"

"People. People is wet socks," For some reason, I feel really tired. Of everything. "I tried. I really tried walking in it. But they just make me so..." What's the word? "They just make so much noise...and it hurts my feet,"

"Who hurt you? Tell me,"

"Or maybe I'm the wet sock. Maybe I hurt their feet so much that they threw me out -"

"You're not the wet sock!"

"Wet socks can be really bitchy...and mean,"

"Lose the wet socks! Tell me what exactly happened and who -"

"I liked her..." Details. Details...enhance...skill...what skill? "I really liked her. I'm so fucking stupid, hyung," 

So fucking stupid. It suddenly crossed my mind that this is no longer just about a stupid crush. Suddenly I'm overwhelmed with the lost years, the many times that I could've done more but didn't because I was trying so hard to appear like I fit in. To feel like I'm just this normal teenager with silly phases and thoughts. 

No matter how long...or how hard I try, I'll always stand out from the rest. They hated me for being myself. And they pity me for when I'm not. No one cared enough to look past the first glance, why the hell was I even trying? I might as well just live me all these while - why was I so stupid, stooping to their level??

There are no upgrades or whatever, there was just me. I'm Jeon Jungkook, who likes his silence when he fucking does, who wants to talk however he fucking wants - about whatever he fucking wants, who gets the best grades because he fucking reads and learns! Ask me to choose between books or a party and I'll head for the damn library! It's...just...who I am...

"Hyung...will it always be this hard?"

I shut my eyes because I know he'd hate it if I cry in front of him. It's just not in our system. 

"No...it'll get better,"

I choose to ignore the hesitation in his silence. Gratitude is what I feel when he said it. I'm thankful for still having my mom. I'm thankful for Min Yoongi for being the only friend I have. I'm thankful to Mrs Gwan who keeps trying to talk to me. And I'm thankful to Lalisa Manoban, for feeling sorry for me. I wouldn't have wanted to do more for myself if it wasn't because of her.

...

"There's no shame in not figuring everything out right now. I know you feel anxious not doing so...but whether you're 17 or 27, it's okay when things don't fall into your calculations. You just need to keep going...smiling...and trust that everything works out in the end." That's what my mom said.

I managed to pull myself together within a week after the party. A week of calling in sick. Again, I'm thankful to my mom for being such a supporting team player. First thing that I did on the next Monday morning was meeting Mrs Gwan - telling her that I changed my mind about Arts being my major and choosing Science instead. She tried reasoning with me but of course, it's no use. I promised her that I'll work hard to catch up on my grades. 

I joined the Science club after and signed up for Busan Science Bowl - a quiz-format Science competition that will be held in May. It's to help with my college application. Busan Institute of Science and Technology would be the most ideal option. Pusan would be the second. I hope two is enough because I don't want to move out from the city, leaving my mom behind.

I also put my name in Engineering club and the department of Mathematics, after I made a quick visit to Kim Namjoon in the Editorial office. I apologized as he scrutinized me with his glares. I presented the fixed typewriter regardless and within a single second, he smiled. He asked me to visit often and gave me a haiku he wrote that says,

Moon and stars wonder
why amazing minds sits
alone in hiding.

For the whole one week, I only saw Lalisa four times...from afar. Although there was that one time when I ran out immediately upon seeing her searching for me in my class room. Still a pussy - that part hadn't changed. She's probably angry that I left all the clubs...I figured it will just save both of us the time of any sorts of discussion. 

She texted me too. Nothing too personal, just a few of 'what happened?', 'where have you been' and 'answer me, please'. I know I owe her an explanation but I just can't find it in myself to do it. I'll probably just stutter 'sorry' a lot and that would waste her time. I need to stay away in order to get my shit together. If I don't see her, maybe I won't like her so much.

It wasn't hard to do. She stays back after school most of the time and I made it my mission to rush in leaving and head for the town's library, so we never really bumped into each other. My daily routine has gone back to when I was in primary school where I'm most comfortable with. Before Lee Ha Kun, that is. 

I have my Maths past exams books splayed on the table, my much-needed-polishing brain, and the silence in this huge library. Peaceful...with no judging eyes around...or so I thought.

'Hello Jungkook :)' The yellow Post-It note read. Following the hand that placed it there, I look up to my right. Lalisa Manoban is sitting beside me with that beautiful, wide smile on her lips. 

How in the world did she find me here? In this huge library? At this particular section?? She looks back down to the Post-It, signalling me for something. With shaky fingers, I write down the same, only changing the name. I watch her write something down on another Post-It before passing it to me.

'Why are you avoiding me?' 

'Don't take things personally'. I pull myself together to follow the advice this time. 

'I wasn't avoiding you. Just been busy'

This form of communication carried on. At least I know she respects the patrons around here. 

'You ran out on me at my birthday party. You didn't even say goodbye. That was rude'

I did. I didn't. It was. So I responded with 'I'm sorry'.

'Can we talk?'

It's risky...but I could just be my previous self and lets her do all the talking, right? She deserves a peace of mind, at the very least. Nothing was her fault, really. She was only doing what was expected out of her. I just hadn't realized that I have been secretly...subconsciously...hoping. 

When she turned and stood with crossed arms in front of me, I had to divert my eyes to the surroundings in front of the library. A bus just pulled to a stop. 4 people passed wearing something brown. 5 something blue -

"What's going on, really? You left without saying anything and I found out from Mrs Gwan and Namjoon that you left the clubs?" The deep frown is apparent in my eyes, even when it's hidden underneath her neatly trimmed bangs.

"I'm sorry," This has been rehearsed.

"I don't wanna hear you saying 'sorry'. I wanna know what's going on," 

It's quite unfair, really. People keep forcing me to do shit that they think is right. What about what I think is right?

"Jungkook, talk to me, please,"

This too, is unfair. Because all I wish to do is talk to her...but I can't. Yet her pink cheeks and pleading eyes are just there...

"Lalisa...all I've ever known and have is this complicated literary device. Carefully measured syllables and word counts - constantly calculating if I say too much or too little - making sure the rhythm is pleasing to the ear. It takes too long and it never works in my favor. Then you showed up. And all I wanna do is produce sonnets and verses. I've been going crazy structuring myself in a way that would maybe be a book which only you could read and understand," With every breath, I sigh. 

"What do you mean?"

Exactly. She wouldn't understand.

"I appreciate the pens and papers that you gave," Her previous question of 'What do you really think of yourself then?' came too sudden in my mind. "I like watching people...being with people...but I'm not cut out to talking to them, dealing with them, or pleasing them. I'll only end up offending them. I want friends but I think I'll make a bad friend. And I'm accepting of that -"

"What the hell are you talking about??"

"You don't have to take me into your pity project, that's what I'm saying. You told your friends that I don't have any friends and they started calling out my name here and there - I don't need it,"

She steps back and I know my words offended her. Just one more person to add to the list...but this is by far, the hardest one for me to accept. 

"It's okay, Lalisa...I'm really doing okay. Mountains on a side, shoreline on the other - that's how you helped. I get to know myself a little bit better...so thank you," I managed a smile, even if she couldn't. 

When a few seconds passed and she has nothing more to say, I pursed my lips and walk back to the entrance. My chest feels heavy but that's what life is. To some, you're the villain...I could probably not be so dramatic but I feel like if I hurt her, I'd be the worst person ever. 

"You think I spent all that time with you because I feel sorry for you? It's because I like you - you dumbass!!"

I stopped walking, unsure if my brain had stopped working as it should. I turn back to her and she's staring - glaring - straight at me. Me. I'm the dumbass?

"How the hell can someone who's offered a class in KAIST be so stupid - I swear to God,  I just wanna throw my shoe at you! Do you think I'd have any time at all for a freaking pet project to include in my schedule?? Do you think I'd ask you out to the beach in summer just because I feel sorry for you?? I mean, I'm nice but I'm not that freaking nice, Jungkook - what the hell are you smiling for??"

Am I smiling? Oh, I didn't notice...it's just natural -

"I never asked any of my friends to be friends with you and why would they? Oh...let's see, shall we? Maybe...they got a little excited because I've been telling them I like you! Maybe...they themselves wanna get to know you too? Oh hey, here's an idea! If you hadn't pushed them away with all these 'pity-party' nonsense, maybe you'll find that they can accept the way you are, just as I did! But that's a bit hard for you, right - stop fucking smiling at me!"

Even with glossy eyes and a furious face, she looks softly beautiful. Like the sky when it's blushing. Or dandelions running with the wind. I have never been in love before, but if it's anything like the poets say...it's reflected in Lalisa.

"You...like me?" I take a step back towards her.

"Oh, don't flatter yourself now -"

"Like...the way I like you?" Two more steps and she crossed her arms back on her chest. 

"I mean...I don't know -"

"Cus I've like...fallen so hard for you," Four more and she's now a feet away from me.

Her lips move like she's about to say something...but nothing comes out. Her eyes shifts quick...between me and the nothingness around. I really should work on my communication skills. I'd hate it if I upset her like that again. 

"You can't just piss me off one minute and say things like these the next! There are rules -"

"I'm sorry," I've never touched a girl's hair before...but her outbursts had messed up her bangs and my fingers are just itching to fix it for her. I pick a few clump strands and rests them down nicely. Soft and wonderful Lalisa. "I'm sorry...if I got it wrong,"

"I mean..." Is she nervous? Because her fingers are clinging to the straps of her backpack. "You're only a little intelligent so..." I can't help my laugh. "Don't say stupid things like that ever again,"

...

Yoongi was right. It does get better. I mean...I'm still pretty much an outcast and I think most of the students' hate for me has tripled since news broke out that Jeon Jungkook is dating Lalisa Manoban. But that's not a problem I feel like solving (Lalisa stopped me from overthinking it). And without much common grounds, her 'crowd' still treats me rather nicely. 

Park Jimin would sometime volunteer himself to hang out with me and Yoongi, then complain after of how weirdly quiet it was most of the time. Till this day, he would regularly asks me who my 'best friend' is. I told him before that I don't quite consider things like that. He would battle it out with Yoongi but I knew the elder just went along with it because it's entertaining. It's just not in our system.

Park Jimin said he's not satisfied at being the second. It's partly amazing that he's being competitive about it. He's still dotingly talking a lot despite my lack of responses. I'm trying, though. Anyway, another new development is that I found a deeper insight of the close group. Apparently Kim Namjoon himself was the one who asked them to call him by his first name. I beat myself up for nights when he asked me to do the same. 

How can I, oh, wise haiku master? I still have no idea why I idolizes him so much. Maybe because in a way...he reminds me of my late dad. My dad too, liked to articulate and romanticize the classics. And my dad too, was a little philosophical. I'm getting better at painting - that's news as well. Kim Taehyung brought me to his aunt's Unleash Your Colors painting workshop once and I practiced on my own after.

Speaking of which...his girlfriend is actually Jennie. Aha..ha...I decided that it's because I've been looking at Lalisa too much that I blocked off the rest of them to even see the bigger picture. And the issues he had - the 'thirst' and 'stuff'? Lalisa whispered something about a bet between him and Jennie. Physical contacts were put on hold to see who would cave first. I guessed that Jennie would win and Lalisa shrieked when it was officially announced.  

So my girlfriend is next to me again today and gives her usual indication for 'hey, look at me' by brushing her head on my shoulder...like a cat. I put the pen down because I don't wanna upset her. I find that she is becoming weirdly smart at communicating telepathically with me now. It's probably all the practice in the library.

Like now, her eyes are asking if I'm done yet. I tilt my head slowly, left to right. She pouts. Either she's hungry...or she's bored. I always feel that it must've been hard for her to keep those cheerful voices inside but she always insists on coming with me. I can't complain. Her palms warm my cold ones. 

Sometimes I have no idea if I make her happy enough. I'll calculate the things I have done or said to her within a certain span of time, trying to give myself the honest answer. I'll always ended up going back to her and asks "Do I make you happy?". She always beamed at me when I asks her that. I take it as a good enough answer. 

I get a little anxious whenever we talk about graduating...or college. I really want to get into Busan Institute of Science and Technology and I know she really wants to go to Pusan National University. It's not that far from each other but it still scares me that I won't get to see her face as much anymore. She said she trusts me and she asked me to trust her...so yeah...it's scary...but I do. I have to. 

"Food time?" I whisper as she hugs my arms. 

"It's cold...must be raining outside. Make it stop,"

No idea if I should be flattered that my girlfriend thinks I control the weather...or frustrated because she might get upset at me for failing to control the weather. I resort to sighing before I pack my books into my bag. I give her my jacket as we make our way out of the library and she gives me a kiss. I don't think I'll ever get used to things...but that's okay. As long as I have her...I'll be okay.

...

She walks down the aisle and I couldn't wish for time to go fast enough. My first love...my first kiss and everything in between...starts and ends with her. When she looks to me with those sparkly eyes under this blushing sky...suddenly...it's senior year all over again. I remember when we laid side by side that summer - tiny particles of sand covering our feet as I watched the crystal blue skies, calm crashing waves and her ocean eyes. She loves me well. She takes care of me well. 

"Hello," She smiles down shyly, and I recall the day she looked for me at the library.

Some days I thought to be braver than her, but she kept saying that I already am. I guess I have grown much, much better since that day. Despite all the anxieties...and the not knowing.

"I love you," I mouthed to my wonderful unknown. 

...

Hey guys! This has been sitting in my draft for quite some time so I thought I'd just publish it. It's a bit long I know haha but it's because I'm not sure if I wanna write a full story out of it. Just a little light and easy one to fill your time :) Hope you enjoy it!