March, 2079

There were many days when she was never much on my mind...yet I always failed in recalling a single one of it now. I still remember how she said that every passing moment is the passing of life, and I wonder...

...why am I still suffering the hours of being alone and...

...how long do I still have to wait...to suffer...until I see my love again?

It isn't much of a life without her - not that I'm complaining. I just miss her...dearly, do I miss her. I miss her so much that I'm almost angry of it...

...of her...of life...

...is that even possible?

It must be. Especially at this hour...where the sun hits the highest blooms of the Yoshino Cherry tree in our backyard. The branches are shallow so we never could build a house up there. The sky is turning darker by the seconds...but it still stands dreamy...just like her. Another half an hour and it will be dramatic. That too, like her. When spring is over, the grass below will turn into a field of whites and pinks...romantic, she once said. 

I have lived for eighty-two years...but I've only felt alive for fifty years. She was non-existent to me before...and she had left me again after. Twelve years...I had to live on without her again for twelve years. I've made promises when both of us knew that I wouldn't be able to keep it. How could I, when she's not by my side?

There were many days when I wondered why she picked me. She said I was beautiful...but I still find it hard to believe that it's true. Or maybe I never wanted it to be true. That I wished I was more...something so lively that could make me feel deserving of her. I don't know much, even after those fifty years. All I know now is that when the night falls, my heart will weep again...just for her. 

Dearly...painfully...do I miss her.

...

March, 2017

"Kook! Wait up -"

I managed to turn halfway before finding the sight of Park Jimin, hopping cheerfully towards where I stand. 

"My friend's here so..." I hinted towards the girl whose name I can't recall, even though I was sure she'd just mentioned it about two minutes ago. I can't help it. I'm really bad at memorising who's who anymore. 

I'm still getting the hang of how things are around here. By here, I mean Seoul. Seoul National University to be exact. It had been a year and 9 months, and I'm ashamed of myself for still being a prick when it comes to faces and names. All I could retain are the ones who Jimin had introduced me to since the start of my 'adventures' here. That was what my mother calls it - an adventure. I still don't know what she's expecting though. 

Growing up as a foreigner in Hong Kong and spending the rest of my still-foreign teenage life in Japan had sort of moulded the apathetic me apparently. That's what she said to my father, at least. That I'd been raised with just going along with what they wanted and had no freedom of my own. I still couldn't get the grasps of it so maybe she's right. I simply don't care where I am. I did what was expected by the book - be a good son, get good grades, eat, sleep, repeat. That was normal to me. 

But them 'dumping' me here after my one-time of 'wow' at a painting while they continued living in Japan brought a new normal - going from being invisible in society and the said eat, sleep, and repeat, to being halted by 'friends' and strangers every thirty or so steps. I get asked out often here, especially around the university grounds, just like the encounter I just had with the girl I couldn't recall the name of just now. 

I honestly don't know why they bother though. I don't think I've prolonged any eye-contacts or smiled enough around here to appear interested. I know it's 'supposed' to be normal at my age, so for the sake of not being accused as a gloomy psychopath, I just went along with it. Maybe that's what mom was referring to when she said 'adventures'.

"Did you just broke another girl's heart?" Jimin bumped onto my shoulder with a silly grin on his face. Then he slung an arm around me - probably sensing my annoyance. "We're going to Seven. You coming?"

I shrugged only because I couldn't be bothered to think of an excuse to not go. There was a time when I wondered if that's the culture here. It seemed that people my age always have some places to hang around after classes with activities that they never seemed to get bored of. Seven, for instance, is a billiards club. Park Jimin and the rest of our friends would be there to meet up, 'shoot some pools', and complain about even the most petty things in their days. Perhaps it's the culture everywhere but I'm the one who couldn't get with the program.

"See, I like your enthusiasm! It's super-enlightening that you don't brush me off anymore now," He chuckled the sarcasm and I rolled my eyes. 

"Pay for my bets and you might get a smile out of me." I sneered back.

"Ahh you're so lucky that I picked you up last year! You're around rich kids now so of course I'll put money on you!"

It's not that I needed him to 'pick me up' or whatever - this isn't a pimp circle I was desperate to get into. Park Jimin was just next to me in our first ever Foundation in Arts class, and he just happened to need a pencil and eraser because he 'didn't think you'd need to practice drawing a full circle at one go using a pencil', this dumbass. But I must admit that he's quite a funny guy to have around. Entertaining, more exact, to my otherwise apathetic self.

...

"Hey, hey - look, that chick! She's back!" The not-so-discreet gasps by Mingyu had everyone's heads turning at the same time - all eyes trying to register the person of interest from two pool tables away. 

When I found the girl stepping out of the 'Staff Only' labeled door and into the refreshment counter, I gave it a good five seconds before turning back towards the game. I'm left with only three stripes while Jaehyun still has about six - including the 8 ball. If I play this right, I get to go home with little prideful cheers in my chest and 2 million cash in my bank account - jeez, these rich kids bet like it's the end of the world!

Done with chalking my cue, I began taking aim towards my target. "Hey, Jae..." I called out just so he won't have any chances of calling it 'foul'. 

I don't know why they're so focused on that girl, honestly. I truly believe that it's the whole reason why they're always hanging out here at Seven - just to ogle her. Granted, she'd been missing for the past 3 days but is it even that long for the guys to get all clingy? It's not like any of them had the chance anyway - I know every single one of them had tried and failed on chatting the girl up. 

"I'll get the greens ready if I were you." I smirked along as I said it. 

"Pshh - knock yourself out, man! I'll transfer it to you later!" He answered, and then he went back into the collective stare-game while exchanging whispers with Yugyeom. 

Is he...serious? He's really gonna hand that bet over without finishing the game just to gawk at some girl?? Haistt this just kills it for me! I look around and even Jimin's not bothered by it. Literally, all eyes are somehow glued towards the hostess. What the hell is so interesting about some girl that they see every time they come here? She's always there - serving drinks and whatnot - nothing's changed!

Feeling agitated, I wiped the board clean with extra strength so that they'd make a satisfying enough sound to reflect what a waste of time this has been. I should have just gone to the gym instead of coming here. Do my assignments - read something even - there's a lot that can be done in the half an hour I've spent here! That girl's appearance just ruined my fun, honestly.

"Good game. I'm off then." I said just for the sake of it and took my bag. Halfway through the space, I hear Jimin calling for me.

"Wait, you're leaving??"

What a joke. "Game's done. Later."

I'm not even bothered to hear out the response. Exiting the place and climbing down the stairs, I started getting more and more annoyed at how easily bored I get with everything here. Of course any sorts of challenge excites me, but only for a time. There were many instances that I found myself thinking if this is normal. My way of thinking...whether I am capable of 'feeling' anything remotely exciting, just as my mom had hoped. Just like today, I tried to go along with it. 

'Adventures'. 'Fun'. The 'live and let live' attitude that seems to work wonders for others - I just find no meaning for it. It doesn't excite me as how the books said it would. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough? Maybe I should start backpacking or...or climb Mount Everest or something - heck, I don't know! Maybe I need therapy -

"Hey, hi!" I flinched and turned when a couple of taps hit my shoulder. 

It's that 'chick'. The girl from Seven. Why is she here? "Yes?"

"Hi, I uh..." She looks like she's out of breath - heaving and clutching both hands on her waist and back as if she's so tired over going down the short staircase. Did I forget to pay for something? Are the guys pinning the games on me because they're pissed off that I left? "I just...I need to uh...give me a second,"

Wow, she's really struggling! How hard was it to climb down two staircases? While she carefully fixes her breaths, I find myself studying the girl that everyone can't seem to stop pining on. This is probably the first time I had ever been this close to her - 2 feet apart. She's wearing a pair of sweats today, rather than the usual tight skinnies and little tops she puts on everyday for everyone to leer at. 

I'm not completely clueless, I know she'd put on all those skimpy outfits to make regulars among the club's customers. It's one of the basic modus operandi for a place where men often visit, no? Wait, is that why they kept whispering to each other back there? Because she's not in her usual clothes?

"Okay...okay, I'm good!" Her sudden beaming caught me by surprise. I'm not sure why but my chest feels uneasy. I've never been one of those who'd stare at her before but she's really - "I'm sorry! I'm just not sure if I'm able to see you again."

What...brought this? What brought her here, really - wait, is this a prank?

"I just wanna tell you that I always hoped to see you at the club cus I think you're beautiful." She giggled a little and I realised how soft - no, how pink her cheeks are. It's a prank. It must be. From the guys, definitely - "Can I ask if you're seeing anyone at the moment?"

Can...she...asks? I don't know, can she?? "Um...I'm not sure what -"

"If you're not sure yet, can you keep that thought to yourself for seven days?" 

I'm honestly so confused right now - who is she and what does she want from me? "Listen, uh...I don't know why you're here...talking to me now -"

"Oh, I'm here to ask you out!" She beams again and a thought parked itself, deep in my mind. That is...she's cute. She's cute when she smiles like that - has she always been smiling that way upstairs? Is that what got everyone so entranced that they'd forget about their bets no matter the amount? "I'm Lisa, by the way. So what do you say?"

"Hmm?" I can't believe I zoned out.

"Do you wanna go out with me?"

What? Why would she ask me that - did I looked like I wanted to go out with her?? "Sorry, uh...I'm not..." I hardly even looked at her before, what gave her that idea?? "I don't know -"

"Seven days," Say what? "Just go out with me...for seven days."

There are so many questions in my mind right now. It's in chaos, honestly. "Why?" Is she...not well in the head or something?

"Please...all I need are those seven days. I promise I'll be worth your while."

...

I'm still not sure what brought my feet here. They'd been uncertain - wandering back and forth on whether or not we're going to keep the word from yesterday. It's not like I'm particularly strict about promises - if we can even call it that. Just that...every time I told myself that I wasn't going to come, there were tiny whispers talking in my head of it not being a prank. That she was, in fact, actually serious about waiting for me today. And it made me feel like the biggest asshole on Earth to think that she'd stand in front of The Mellow Social all alone till God-knows-when.

And I was right. There she is, standing all alone in the settling cold of the evening. I take a deep breath before taking the next step towards her. Lisa - that's what she said her name was...right?

Honestly, I think this is just a waste of time. I've gone out with a few girls from my faculty before and it wasn't that interesting that I'd voluntarily go for a second - let alone a seventh with this hostess who, even as cute as she is, doesn't look like she'd have much to talk about with me. I mean, what would we have in common? Snooker?

"Oh, hey!" Her bright smile almost blinded me and the squeak - I guess she usually is this loud when greeting people, huh? "I knew you'd show up!"

"You did?"

"Sure! You don't look like the kind that'll ghost on people!" I...don't? Funny. I've ghosted on my friends quite a few times before. "It hasn't started but I've paid. Give me your hand."

What hasn't started? Paid for what? Why my hand? Of course, I didn't ask these out loud. I did exactly as she asked because I'm still a little dazed at how that smile haven't left her face. On my left wrist, she clipped on a pink tag that is questionably fitting for any man to wear. I've never been to this place before and I can only hope that it's not just another sleazy bar where she'd end up being too drunk and get physical on me. It'll turn me the hell off - so much so that I might just leave her cute smile and the pink tag in an hour. 

Following behind Lisa's half-hops through the entrance and past the bouncers, the soft sound of some jazz music hits my ears before any sights could. It was dark and I only managed to not stumble because of her wristband. It's glowing...I thought it was cool that they made it that way. Once I found a little light shortly after, I realised that the space is smaller than I expected it to be.

There's a bar area and a few small, round tables, overlooking a small stage. The interior is some-what oriental, with exotic accents flowing out of antique Chinese lamps and gold-braided ornaments hanging sultry from the ceiling. I'd seen a lot of those at the markets in Hong Kong before so I tell my guarded self to stop worrying too much immediately. There are two tables already occupied by 2 and 3 guests, and our appearance probably eased their minds a bit. That could be the only reason why they smiled at us. 

"Do you wanna get drinks first or..."

"Whichever." I answered quick because I have no idea what's waiting for me, really. I mean, this doesn't look like a restaurant, nor does it look like a full-on bar. Since there's a stage and the spotlight is pointing directly on it, are we watching a show of some sort? 

"Let's do the reading first. We'll get the drinks once we settle in." 

Reading? We're reading? Reading what - there are books in here?? These too, I failed to ask out loud. I must admit that a part of me is feeling a little excited so I just let Lisa grab my wrist and allowed my feet to simply move along to wherever she's bringing me to. Past the entire room and through strings of beaded blinds. Another black curtain after, a middle-aged lady dressed in a traditional hanbok greets us. She's sitting behind a table covered with black cloth and on top of it are 3 stacks of piled cards. 

Aishh...'this' reading! Jeon Jungkook, what have you gotten yourself into?

"Please, have a seat." She said with a smile. 

Briefly I contemplated on punching myself as hard as I could so I'd wake up to find that this is only a dream. That I can't possibly be going out to a scamming psychic reading with a girl I know nothing about - this is so unlike me! Still, I knew it wasn't. Fuck it - I'll just nod along to whatever this lady has to say. 

"You're a cute-looking couple," Second thing she said and she's already wrong - shouldn't we take it as a cue to just leave now? 

But beside me, Lisa is nodding enthusiastically. Damn...what was I thinking when I agreed to this? That damn smile...that's what. I didn't think if she'd be a dumb-enough chick to fall so easily for a fortune teller. Or is she really, truly into this kind of thing? Jeez - I just hope that both of them isn't trying to rope me into some kind of a cult because I'd lose my cool for sure!

"It's our first date!" Ahh...someone help me get out of this!

"I could sense that," Really? Like...really, did you?? Wait, have I ever been this riled up before? "Trust me, you'll want more after the seventh." She chuckled right at me. Okay...that was just a coincidence and nothing more! "You can ask anything you're curious about...regarding finance...partners...or life, should I say...where it'll take you," She nods specifically to me again and it made me want to roll my eyes at her. "Anything except death. More specifically, when you'll die." 

That's quite an introduction. Add a little smoke at her back and I'd probably feel a little alarmed.

"You may choose the tarots or by palm, I can read both. The rule with tarot is simply to think hard about your questions...to understand that you really need the answer. This works better for opportunities and potentials for the past, present, and future. With palm, I can tell you the changes you have gone or currently going through and provide some insights on what may entail in the future."

"Which one is more accurate, in your opinion?" Damn, is she really asking that?

"For you, my dear, I'd go with palm." What? Why is it only for her? "You may believe or not believe them, it's all up to you. After all, your life is yours to decide." 

No matter, I must applaud her for embodying this whole mystical vibe!

"Palm it is, then!" Lisa chuckled and I don't know why...I can't help my smile. Maybe it's the puffing cheeks...soft...like a baby. I guess just sit and nod won't be so bad!

...

It's actually a Trivia Game that we were waiting for, but I still can't get that damn fortune teller out of my mind. It wasn't so much about me. I mean, even I know my two questions are relatively boring! 

Will I ace the interview for my future internship at the end of this semester? Will I stay here or move after graduating? Both were answered with treys of weird-illustrated cards and a generic interpretations of what they meant. In short, a yes and a maybe. It's a maybe because apparently, I don't know what I really want yet. Too safe of an answer for someone who kept giving knowing, sarcastic looks at me, to be honest!

No, what I am still thinking about was Lisa's questions. Her first one was a vague 'Is it painful?'. The lady smiled warmly at her - quite different than how she responded to me earlier - and said, 'It is. I'm sorry, my dear, it's terribly painful'. The second question was 'Will I have any regrets?', to which the lady answered with, 'Yes...it's only a human thing to do to have regrets'. Then she clasped on Lisa's hand and said, 'You'll make through just as you are...as you have been...and you'll feel nothing but love around you. So keep smiling, okay?'.

Now I don't know what those things are about - heck, I don't know a single thing about this girl! - but I do know those tones. It's a tone of someone going through something, definitely, and now I can't stop thinking about what it could be. Pain...and regret. My first and strongest assumption is that she just went through a break-up and is going through some sort of a 'healing' process. It could be with an ex or with her family, I don't know. It just made sense that she's leaving something behind with those questions of hers. 

"Samsung." Her small voice sounded sexy as her breath blew soft over my ear, and I panicked.

"Samsung!!" I shouted the answer for a question I hadn't even paid attention to.

"Samsung is correct!" The host replied on his mic and I noticed a few heads groaning. 

"You're a local, how can you not know that?" She laughed and I realised that her cheeks have turned pink. Her eyes are twinkling beautifully...like tiny stars out of nowhere. Is it because of the alcohol?

"Sorry, I zoned out. What was the question?"

"The biggest technology company in South Korea," Ahh...I would've known it right away if I had heard it right! Now I look like an oblivious fool!

"We just need to get one more answer right to break the tie with table nine," She whispers again but unlike previously, it isn't that close. Honestly, I'm not sure if I should be thankful or not.

It could really be the mix of dimmed lighting, the exclusive ambiance, as well as the liquor, but I'm really getting the hang of Lisa's perky smiles and loud laughters, and on top of that, I've realised that her face oddly resembles the Matryoshka dolls that my father got as a gift a few years back. Maybe it's her big, round eyes? 

I still know next to nothing about who she really is, but it isn't as important as it was when I first got here. Seriously, I had no idea that we won't be talking about ourselves this evening...isn't that the basic rule of a date? She hadn't asked me anything about myself too - we jumped from fortune-telling to answering general trivia in seconds!

"Five-minute break and we'll get into the bonus round - random selections!"

I have no idea what that means but as the host leaves the small stage, I sighed in relief. I can at least have my mind in order for a while. Lisa said that the winners will get free steaks on the house and it seems that she really wanted to win. I mean, I don't mind buying her dinner - isn't that what a man should do on a date anyway? But seeing her being all excited and competitive made me hope for that free steak too so how can I refuse?

"So uh...you're not a local, huh?" I re-collect what she'd said as a question because it feels awkward to not strike a conversation during this so-called 'break'. 

She smiled. "We don't have to get all personal, Jungkook-ssi...that would be too much to ask," What? Then...then what are we doing this for? "Why don't we tell each other just...whatever?"

Huh? "I don't understand."

"I'm a backpacker. I've travelled to twelve countries and I just got here. I'll only be here for seven days and I know where I wanted to go so...care to accompany a lone traveller?" 

What? "You uh...you've worked here for a long time though," I could've sworn I had seen her around at Seven for - how long, eight months, maybe?

"How can that be? It's my first day here in Seoul and I just met you," She blinked so innocently. I don't know why my chest is hurting again. "Now tell me who you are."

Oh...I see. Who am I? Fuck - I have no idea how to play this game! "I um...who do you think I could be?"

"An idol," I almost spat out the beer I just sipped. "You have the looks for it! Am I wrong?"

The way she squints tells me that she shouldn't be wrong. "No, you're absolutely right." Her smile grew wider. "Appreciate if you don't tell anyone though...I'm trying hard to go unnoticed."

"Oh, don't worry! You can just leave your autograph on the napkin and slide it to me, that'll keep my mouth shut."

Cheeky. Cute. I don't like this. I don't like this at all! "Seven days, huh? Where would you like to go? I probably need to re-schedule a couple of my shows...recordings...all those TikTok dance challenge -"

"Ahh, that's a secret! I'll only let you know before or on the day itself but don't worry, I'll ask for your schedule first! I know you must have a lot to do during the day so I'll probably seek some kind time in the evening once you're done with your TikTok."

That made me laugh. "And this seven-days thing...is consecutive?"

"Naturally. If we skip a day it wouldn't be seven days anymore, would it?"

Ahh good to know I can be stupid too sometimes! "Right. Alright, since that's the case, my first appointment tomorrow will be at two. I'll get everything done by six but it's Friday so the traffic -"

"Morning then! I won't take up an idol's Friday night, that'll be selfish of me," She tilts her head sympathetically and let me emphasise this again, my chest hurts. "Are you a morning person?"

"Most of the time."

"Would eight-thirty be alright with you? I'll let you go at twelve."

Wow, where are we going so early in the morning? Maybe she wanted to have breakfasts together? Maybe it's a cafe that she'd always wanted to go but could never go alone to? I know I wonder a lot about this girl - even more now that she didn't want to 'get all personal' - but I can't find the right question to asks. 

"Eight-thirty then." I smile back because I really feel like it. 

"Alright, we're back! Everyone ready for the bonus round??" There's a cheer among the small crowd - including my date, of course - and my heart is pumped for the free steak! "First of five trivia - which country invented ice cream?"

No, more than just the steak, I wanted to impress her. "China!"

"China is correct!"

...

There are a couple of things I realised and noticed more about Lisa now. We'd spent the remaining one hour with our free steaks last night before she ended it at ten, just as she promised. For that, I knew that she'd be punctual at all of our meetings from here on out. Like this morning, for instance. It was 8:23 a.m and she's already in front of Seven, sitting on a Vespa and waiting for me. I now know that she rides a Vespa. 

She embodied her 'traveller' persona quite well, I must say. It made me wonder if she really had gone to all those places and countries like she had told me, or if it's something she had made up along our conversation last night. I only managed to Google 'four seasons in a day' and 'Slovenia' before deciding that she had, indeed, been there...and that's quite amazing. I don't know anyone who had been to Slovenia - heck, I don't think I've ever even heard of Slovenia before she said it!

Lisa smiles a lot and giggles easily. Her natural voice is a little deep but when she gets excited, a higher, cartoonish pitch would escape that pretty, plump lips. Yes, I noticed those lips a lot more last night. And her doll-like eyes too - damn, they're pretty when they're on me! Not to say that I'm swooned over or anything. No, not quite. I'm just admitting to what the fuss was all about.

She's beautiful, I'll agree with the boys now. Everything on her just sits well, I guess. Her bangs and her long hair. Her petite yet toned limbs and um...perfect proportion of a body. I'd be lying if I say I didn't check her out once or twice, but I wasn't obvious about it. I only did it to make sense of everything last night. Something to really tell myself that, yes, I'm out with this girl and I'll be going out with her for the next six days. On her time. Whenever I have time. I should be glad that she's not taking so much of it...I really should. 

"There, all set to go." She beams after fastening the spare helmet she brought on my head. I feel like a child who's going on his first bicycle ride. 

I don't know where we're going but I'm hoping there'll be food. I'm used to early morning classes and I'm used to getting myself up for breakfasts before starting my day. Today, however, I'd been under the impression that we'd go for a breakfast date. I hope I'm right. Please, let me be right. When we got onto the highway...then passed the Jamsil Bridge though...I'm not so sure anymore. Where in the world is she taking me?

"We'll get breakfast first." 

I felt so relieved when she parked the Vespa and said that. After scanning around, I realised where she might have in mind. We're near Lotte World and she said 'first'. That means there's somewhere else she wanted to go - somewhere that's most likely isn't opened yet. Lotte World it is, definitely! I haven't been but...don't you need like a full day to experience it? 

"Are we...maybe...going to Lotte World after this?"

Her bright smile makes a show again. I should stop thinking that I like that smile. "No tourists should skip Lotte World!"

I nod, sighing my own agreeing grin. "Good choice to be on stand-by this early in the morning. I always heard of how long the ticketing queue is."

"Oh, I bought the tickets already! Last night so we don't have to go through the queue. I've gotten the QR codes for entries."

Oh...now I know she's well-prepared too! Not bad... "Then breakfast's on me,"

"No, no, don't worry, Jungkook-ssi...I'll get everything covered!" What? What does she mean by that - is she planning to pay for everything? "All I need is a little bit of your time. You don't have to worry about the spending."

"But that's not -" I try to catch up as we stepped into the small, dull-looking restaurant. She's immediately shown a table and took up the menu that was left by the waiter. "Lisa-ssi...I'd like to buy you breakfast, please." 

"Like I said, it's fine." No, it's not fine for my manly pride! "You're a student, no?" Yeah, but money's not a problem - "I'm not some poor girl working as a hostess, you know...and I don't plan on mooching off anyone -"

"That's not what I mean - not what I thought about you at all!" I hushed my voice down, despite my growing annoyance. "It's only right that a man pays for his date's meals." 

"And I told you, don't worry about it! I'm not the conservative type that goes along with society's expectations either, it makes me feel really good to be spending whatever I want on my date. Just think of it as me spoiling you."

"I don't think I've done anything to be earning it though..." 

"You're already paying it with your time," She's still smiling - how the heck is she doing that?? "It's the most expensive thing in the world - your time. Believe me, that's already more than what I can afford so this is nothing."

I...have no words to counter that. Maybe that's a sign that I shouldn't argue...not for now anyway. I...I should give it a rest for now - yes, that's what I'll do. I mean, we still have another five days to go after this so...I'll definitely pay for something later on!

...

"Why Lotte World?" I asked once we've placed the order, just to start a conversation. 

"Why not Lotte World?" She giggled. "Have you been?"

"No, not once. I heard about it though. Kind of an overrated dating spot here, isn't it?" I don't know why I'm saying this but after the surprising fortune-telling and trivia-night we've had as a first date, I kind of expected Lisa to have something extra up her sleeves. More than just Lotte World that can easily be classified as one of the must-enjoy-with-your-partner, ultra-hyped place, that is. And I mean, she did tell me that these dates are going to be worth my while...I'd hate it if I had to think that it's just another waste of my time!

"There are three rides that I think we should try, at least once in our lifetime. I promise we'll be done by twelve. Are you good with heights?" She clipped her lips together after and her cheeks puffed out. I don't know why I wondered what it'll feel like to pinch one of them. 

"I don't mind...like I said, my class is at two -" I hid the fact that I don't feel good about heights.

"Your appointment, Jungkook-ssi..." She corrected in an almost teasing way. Is it the way she says my name that made her sound so...sexy? Because I swear, no one's ever made it sound that way before... "But no, I won't let you rush. I'll make sure I drop you off back at Seven on time so you'll have plenty for lunch."

I know I said I won't mind it but...I can't help it now. "Can I ask...why you're doing this?"

"We need to eat and let it digest before we go on the rides, and Lotte World only opens at ten -"

"No, not that. I mean us, on these dates. Why me?" It sounds a little self-absorbed now that I've said it out loud. It's as if I needed an assurance...maybe I do?

"I told you, because you're beautiful!"

Damn - she didn't have to - crap, I hope I'm not blushing! "Don't...tell me that!"

"Why not? You are, fitting for an idol!"

"Good-looking is fine. Handsome, maybe. Beautiful is...a bit of a stretch."

She giggled harder. "You're super-cute when you get all shy! See, I made the right choice!"

What...aishh...my face feels hot! "Okay, I get it," I really don't but she needs to stop or I'll burn! "Seriously though, why are we going on these dates? I mean, I don't know you that well but I can tell that you're not shy or anything. You could've easily gone to Lotte World on your own or...with your friends maybe...why do you need me to. go with you?" It's really surprising how much I could speak at one go when I'd just been called 'beautiful'. I was quick at it too!

"You're a thinker, aren't you?" A what? "Maybe it comes naturally to you that everything should have a reason...and maybe this has one too, but you don't have to find the grand meaning of it." I now realised that she had leaned herself forward and for the first time, she's talking to me without a smile on her pretty lips. It lasted for about 3 seconds and I'm thankful when it re-appeared. 

"I'm telling you now, again, that I wanted to go out with you because I think you have the most beautiful face. I always looked at you from afar and I've been wanting...hoping...that I'll get to talk to you, maybe ask you out or the other way around. But all that waiting is just...time-consuming, and I don't wanna waste it anymore. That's why we're here - is that enough for an answer?"

I...wow, I didn't expect that much honesty! "How long...if you don't mind me asking...that you'd been waiting?" 

"I'm afraid I'm gonna have to take that one to my grave, Jungkook-ssi. We're only on our second date. I don't wanna scare you off just yet." She just - did she just smirked at me??

Oh, damn - with the way she looked and sounded, she didn't need all those skimpy outfits to attract a regular at all!

...

This is bad. I can't stop thinking about her, and it's only past our second date! I can't enjoy my lunch, nor can I focus on what the professor had been saying for the past half an hour - this is so, so bad! Which page are we on right now -

"That's the fourth time you've peeked on me, what's going on with you?" Jimin sneered.

I know, I know! "Just...things..."

"Things? Oh man, now I'm really intrigued!" I hushed his excitement when his voice got a bit louder. He ducked himself down right after. "Just give me a hint - what's it about?"

"A girl." I couldn't stop myself. Maybe I need to get it out of my system or something. I have been keeping this seven-dates nonsense all to myself and I've never even spoken about the encounter with her to Jimin. 

"Oh, wow...that's...a first, isn't it? You never seemed that interested in girls before - you almost had me believe that you swing the other way!"

I hushed him again because a couple of heads are already half-turned, reflecting on their disapprovals. Honestly, I don't care if anyone thinks I'm gay. It's not so much about that, I just don't want anyone to start thinking that this is an excellent subject to pay attention to - more than what the professor is saying. See, that's how important my studies are for me.

But wait, let's think this through. Park Jimin is whom I considered the closest one to me among all other guys, but can I trust him enough to not blab about Lisa to them? Not that I care how they'll take it though...I just don't want them to waste my time with questions. Questions I know guys like them would normally asks. Questions I won't have the answers for. 

"I went on a date," 

"Oh? When?"

"Last night. And this morning. I went on two dates."

"Okay, that's like...too soon for a follow-up but okay - and?? Who is she? Is it someone in the faculty? Is it a senior?"

"That's pretty specific - why a senior?"

"I don't think there's any girls left in our batch that you'd say 'yes' to and let's face it, freshmen are out of your list!"

Damn it - I didn't think he knows me that well! But yes, he got it right. After the one-month relationship with Yubi - which ended up with her throwing my own books at me at the library for refusing to have lunch together and finish my assignments instead - I kind of got turned off at the whole idea of 'dating while studying'. 

I always get feedbacks like those from the girls I went out with. It wasn't even anything personal. They asked me out, so I went. I never thought much about it, and they caught on pretty quick. But Yubi was persistent to have stayed that long and I hate to say this but yes, I got bored. Not at her specifically though. What happened after just made me feel that the entire thing is tiring.It's a bit messed up to suddenly change my lifestyle and priorities just to please a girl and maybe it'll be better to just not. As for juniors...well, I hate being called 'oppa'. It's just not cute for me. 

"She's not a student here..." I said carefully. 

"Oh...where did you meet her then?"

"S...somewhere,"

He chuckled but regained himself quickly after. "Okay, mister-rious!" He emphasised that last bit and I almost laughed. "And?" And...what? "What got you bothered that you're talking about it to me right now? I mean, normally, I'm the one who'd ask for a recap from you but you don't seem to give a shit about the lecture now!"

Right...ugh this is irritating! "We went to Lotte World this morning -"

"Typical,"

I frowned and he flinched. "We went on three rides. The drop, the ship, and the swing,"

"Damn...isn't it too early - what time did you went?"

"We're probably the second to go in."

I can see all kinds of expressions on Jimin's face since we started talking about this. I now know that he can pull such a face that says 'what the fuck is wrong with you - who goes to Lotte World the second it opens?' towards me. It's quite amusing because he always seemed to want to be on my good side - I'm still clueless about why that is. 

"Anyway, after the swing, she went on it again by herself...because I couldn't stand the spin - it gave me a headache. She went on it for five more times,"

"Ahh...yeah, no, that's weird! I mean, fun chicks are only fun before she gets obsessed with things - in this case, the Swing Tree." It should surprise me that Jimin knows the name of that ride by heart but on second thought, he is quite a player himself. He probably had brought a number of girls there. "Just say 'thanks, but no thanks', like you usually would! It's only a matter of time before she starts being clingy and shit - what if she turns into a total wacko?"

"It's not that..." I mean, I don't think she'll be obsessed with me - why is that depressing? "So I sat there right...on the bench just to watch...and every time she appeared in my view, she was just this..." How do I say this, "Free bird...like her eyes are closed and her arms are open, and she's just feeling the wind...no matter how fast it went. It was..." Almost angelic... "Indescribable." My mind drifts back to recall how time felt slow and still, every time I saw her up in that sky.

I only noticed the silence a few seconds after and when I looked back at Jimin, he's staring at me like I'm a stranger who'd just stolen his favourite mochi out of his bare hands. 

"So...so basically, you like this girl?"

'Like'...'like'... "I don't know. I don't think I do."

"So you don't like her?"

"No...no, I don't dislike her..."

"Hang on, what the fuck is the problem here??"

Exactly. "I...I don't even know. I just kept going in circles about it and I think..." 

I think...I don't think these dates are meant for me.

...

I'm surprised at how happy my chest feels when Lisa asked if she could book me from 8 a.m to 6 p.m on Saturday for our third date. The past two felt a little short, with too many distractions for me to understand the girl or our whole 'dating' situation. I'm still figuring out why the subject of 'why' draws me in though. 

We met at Seoul Station and had a quick, light breakfast there before she presented me with train tickets to Pyeongchang Station. I stuttered a little as a response, since I'd never been that far out of Seoul before. I remember being briefly reminded if she's actually a scammer - a bait to lure me into some weird cult. Maybe this time there are people there, waiting to harvest my organs or something. 

Fortunately, there are no such plots. We joked a little about it though within the first hour of the ride. I realised then that she's really good at making me talk, more than I usually would. She fell asleep soon after and her head landed on my shoulder. Since I'm half-a-virgin who cared so little about physical touch between a man and a woman before, it was only natural that I stayed stiff and still. That made me fall asleep too. 

Once we reached Pyeongchang, she hailed a cab to take us to Jeongseon. At this point, we'd been on travel-mode for almost 4 hours...yet we still haven't exchanged our personal details yet. I kept getting weirdly uneasy about not knowing any other facts, other than her short name, her phone number, and her workplace, but at least I can tell my mom that I've been on an adventure, right?

We found out from the friendly cab driver - a local ahjussi whose appearance may be mistaken as a seasoned Yakuza if we're in Osaka - that Jeongseon used to be an enclosed coal mine region. Lisa asked a lot of questions while I only listened. As we drove past high hills and greeneries, I can't help my constant gasps at how different it feels than being in the city. I grew up in cities, so maybe that's why it never impressed me much. 

I thought it would be hot since the sun is out and I'm wearing jeans - which reminds me, I need to let her know that she should give a heads-up on our whereabouts so I'd dress more appropriately. But it's kind of cool and breezy, with smooth wind brushing over my skin once he dropped us off at Byeongbangchi Skywalk. No wonder she's wearing tights and sneakers!

I should be grateful that I've been hitting the gym because surely after, we started climbing up the route. We could have reached the top sooner but Lisa looked out of breath a couple of times and I didn't want to be the asshole who says, 'Why would you come to a place like this if you know you won't have the energy for it?', since she had paid for our tickets, cab, and entrance fees. Maybe she got tired over the many 'mountains all over the world' she was telling me about - I couldn't possibly laugh at her for giving me all those awesome insights!

When we reached the top, the amazing view of backup mountains, fields, and river took my breath away. Seriously, all I could think of at that moment was...I'm so glad it was this and not organ harvesting! I told her that and she laughed. Lisa's goal was the ziplining, apparently. Forgetting the sweats and huffs, she was so excited as they strapped the harness around her small body. As exhausted as she looked, I still find it cute when she shouted the countdown for us to be pushed over the edge.

We both screamed our lungs out when we flew but it soon turned into gasps and laughters. It was exhilarating - I've never felt anything like it before! The air was fresh and the view was breathtaking. I felt like I was flying and when I glimpsed over beside me, it seems that Lisa felt the same way too. She was smiling with her eyes closed, and her arms are wide open - just like they did when she went on that Swing Tree yesterday. I wondered if this is satisfying enough for her, since the previous five times still brought us here. What exactly is she looking to feel?

It felt long but it also felt short - I don't know how to describe it. Once we were greeted at the end of the line, both of us were grinning ear-to-ear at each other as if to say, 'We really did it, well done to us!'. We followed the trail back down with absentminded conversations and for the whole way, I thought to myself that it's actually been fun...going out with her these past few days. Maybe it's the things she planned for us...surprising me with her choices. Or maybe it's her presence. Her genuine smile. And her twinkling eyes.

Anyway, when we got to the exit where a restaurant was, she excused herself and ran for the restroom. I waited with two breads in my hands because I wasn't sure where she'd like to have our late lunch...and she didn't come out until 25 minutes later. It made me worry to see that the pale on her face was then paired with cold sweats, but she assured me that she felt fine. That she was just feeling a little fatigued because of the climb and height. On that note, I suggested that she could hit the gym with me for some strength training. She thought it was funny and laughed, so I just played along.

We decided to just take a cab back to Pyeongchang Station and have lunch around there while waiting for our train. By the time we reached, however, the few restaurants that we had spotted earlier were already closed. So we bought snacks and buns from a convenient store and ate at the station instead. I didn't mind it. I thought it was nice even...that it felt personal somehow. Just the two of us, cross-legged on the metal seats, munching on whatever there was in the plastic bag in this foreign province. 

"Do you prefer day or night, Jungkook-ssi?" She asked another random, out of the blue. Her cheeks were back to its usual colour and she talks even with her mouth full. I'm just glad that she's feeling better.

"Day. I get more things done during the day."

"You must have a lot to do, huh?" She squints her eyes and I know it's a tease.

"Just my studies. Revisions - oh, sorry, my Tiktoks!"

She laughed and nods, and I'm hoping that she will ask more. "Are you a man of ambition or comfort?"

I'd like to think that it's her way of getting to know me better, so I don't mind thinking about my answers. "I don't have any particular ambition for now. I just know what I should be doing. Get good results...graduate...find a good work. I guess that's comfort?"

She nods again.

"What about you?" This is me, trying. "Do you have a dream or are you happy going with the flow?"

"Comfort, definitely...but my version of comfort is probably different than yours," She chuckled. "As for my dream...well, it's dreams actually. Like...I wanted to get into Seoul National before but my application didn't get through. I've been told that I'm quite the impatient optimist...I did moved to Seoul without even waiting for the acceptance letter, so maybe it's true. The rest of the dreams sort of fell flat after. I figured I needed to think a little more about all those fantasies...save some money for it."

I see...that makes me feel bad, for some reason. Is that how she ended up working at Seven? Because it was close by and she needed savings? What could it possibly be - her dreams? Does it require that much money? Maybe it's a business... I try imagining what it would be like if she got accepted into my university. She'd probably be surrounded by a lot of admirers...and I probably won't be the one who's sitting in front of her now. 

"Seoul Uni's alright...quite hard to get into but there aren't that many impressive students. But it's probably just an observation from my batch or faculty - I'm not sure. I think your application's got lost somewhere...there's no way any of them were brighter than you." 

I feel a bit shy, saying it. I knew I said it just to make myself feel better. The thought of my small circle of friends ogling and pining on her at Seven had become an irritating thing to deal with, imagine if there are more - jeez...I can't grasp it!

"Maybe. Still, I believe that there's no point regretting on the things you've tried." Her smile is contagious, really - even if it's filled with hints of disappointment. "Do you prefer reality shows or documentaries, Jungkook-ssi?"

"Neither. I like to read." I grinned almost proudly, for some reason. I mean, I like that she's asking me all these random questions and maybe because she'd revealed a little insight about herself, I feel like I should try my best to show my true self as well. Honesty's the best policy, no?

"We'll go to a bookstore then." What? "Tomorrow. Fourth date. Let's go get books!"

That's...so generous of her! "No, no, we don't have to -"

"Why not? We've been doing what I want - don't worry, that's not gonna change after tomorrow - so let's do something you like for once!"

Aishh stop being so cute and kind, it's not good for my heart!

...

The rule is to each select a book for the other, 'as a memorabilia', she said. Simple? Not quite. It was easy for me to read a book on my own time but to choose one for another is...well, it's stressful. Because not only do I thought of not burdening her with any heavy reads, I also didn't want to be half-assed about it. I feel like my choice of book for her would reflect who I am as a person, and it needs to be something impressive. 

"This one!" She hands one over. 

Since it's not too thick, I assumed that her mind worked just like mine. As much as I would enjoy my time in silence and give my brain the exercise it craves, I feel kind of bad to have dragged her into this. I turned the book and it reads, 'The Stinky Cheese Man and Other Fairly Stupid Tales'. 

Okay, maybe she doesn't think the way I do. Nevertheless, it gave me a clue as to what kind of book I should present to her. Since we're standing at the Humour section, it's fairly easy to simply pick something out. I chose 'You Might Be A Zombie and Other Bad News', since she liked the trivia game before. 

"Nice...it's just what I need right now!" She grinned and I realised that I've memorised how she looked like with her cheeks puffs out. 

Once we've paid for each other's 'gifts', we walked towards a nearby park with coffee and sandwiches in our hands. I have to say, as cliché as it may sound, I was actually hoping for this. I've wondered before...of how nice would it be to have a sit outside and read? A picnic might have exaggerated this into an actual, proper date-like event, but even a bench is nice. 

She gave me an 'are you good?' grin once we found our 'special' seat, then we started immersing ourselves into the books in silence. Well, no, not in complete silence. She giggled a lot...which is cute but also making it hard for me to focus - wondering what exactly is in that book that got her so entertained. I guess I really did picked a good one!

It didn't take long for me to finish my read but I was so confused that I ended up re-reading the pages - again and again. This is because The Stinky Cheese Man and Other Fairly Stupid Tales is actually a children's book. And it's illustrated. Which means half of most pages were occupied by some drawings to emphasise the weirdness of each stories. And the stories are, let me say this with a positive note...weird. 

It started with a quirky title page and goes straight into a story called 'Chicken Lickens'. It's about a chicken who runs around, shouting about how the sky is falling for half of 2 pages long before a so-called 'narrator' said that it wasn't. Then it jumped right into the book's table of contents. I still don't get the correlations of it. All in all, the book is somewhat a re-telling of some known tales, only that it is told in a weird, short, cocky way and with a spirit-crushing ending.

Like the third story, which was taken from The Ugly Duckling but is titled 'The Really Ugly Duckling'. It started as usual, how there are 6 ducklings and the seventh is ugly. Others laughed at it and it didn't mind. It had such high self-esteem that it would grow out of its ugliness. Only it didn't. It's just really ugly and that's the end of it. I must say that by the third time I read it, it did made me laugh. By the fifth time, I ended up thinking to myself 'wow...I just wasted an hour reading incredibly stupid tales! - how have I managed to survive that long?'.

"Yours any good?" I turned to face her because I really can't go about 'Little Red Running Shorts' for the sixth time. 

"Amazing...I didn't know a number of things till now. Hey, do you know that trampolines caused over two-hundred-thousand injuries in the U.S? I didn't know that - I've always wanted a big one at my manifested backyard..."

Manifested...backyard? "I didn't know it either so...thanks for sharing. This 'manifested backyard' though...do you mean like your dream home?"

"Yeah...but not quite. I haven't thought of how the house'll look like yet. I just know that I'd have a backyard and there'll be a giant trampoline somewhere...oh, I know! Maybe I'll replace it with a big tree and build a tree-house!"

Wow, that's fairly easy of her to drastically change her mind! She's quite imaginative, isn't she? No wonder she picked this weird book for me! 

"Are you done?" I nod to her question. "Oh, if that's the case..." She glimpsed at her watch. 

"I don't mind if -" She looks back up and I can't say it. Something about her eyes...maybe. 

"We still have about 20 minutes before eleven. I wanted to drop by somewhere anyway so do you wanna start walking?"

I know she's only thinking about me - with the time and all - but I really don't mind. And I wanted to say that...that I wanted to spend more time with her but I just didn't know how. Will I come off as clingy? Will she laugh at me for now taking this whole 'date' thing seriously? But I feel bad that we're only meeting for a couple of hours and I've pretty much been a follower - as if I'm only doing her a favour by doing this. I know that I'm not quite there at figuring out what it is that gets me excited about this girl but I know that I like her company. 

"Lisa-ssi...do you um..." I rubbed my fingers on the thin layers inside the pocket of my jeans. "If you wanna have lunch, maybe...we can do that."

"But it's close to eleven." She smiled as she stood up, ready to leave the bench with me.

"Like I said...I don't mind if we don't end this at eleven." She was the one who promised the time anyway, not like I had much voice in it. I even mentioned that I don't have an 'appointment' today in hopes that she'd take me full day!

"That's okay, Jungkook-ssi. I gotta go back and feed my cats anyway." Oh...so she have cats... "Speaking of, I'm actually dropping by a vet on this way back."

A vet? "Is your cat sick?"

"No, no," She chuckled. "I've been asking around if um...if they can take my cats off from me. Do you know anyone who wants to adopt cats as pets? They're all super-cute and super-healthy... and oh, they're good indoors!"

"You're giving them away? Why?"

"Just because. I took in more than I could care for and recently I've realised that...damn, my apartment's too small!" She lets out a partly-wicked laugh. "I've been feeling like a bad parent who can't provide much space for them to play around and...and it's actually pretty expensive to maintain them. The monthly grooming...the medical check-ups..."

"How many are we talking here?" I can't help my nervous smile. I'm not good with cats but if I can help her in some way...I want to. Maybe because it's already our fourth day of going out and I still haven't figured her out. Our seventh date could pass by in a blink of an eye and the thought of not being able to even call her a friend is undoubtedly...unsettling. 

"I have five."

"Oh..." That's not so bad. "If I take one, would that help?"

She laughed even louder. "That's okay, Jungkook-ssi...that wasn't me asking for a pity-party!"

"It's not - I don't mean that! Just...I'd like to help..."

She stops walking and faces me fully. It makes me nervous to have her staring at me like this. 

"You're so nice, Jungkook-ssi. I knew I made the right choice!" What? "If you don't mind an additional half-an-hour with me, do you wanna accompany me to the vet?"

Of course I want to! Even if it's more than half-an-hour, I still want to!!

...

I don't know how many times have I looked into any mirrors I could find since I left the house. It just feels oddly nerve-wracking...as if I'm going on a first date with someone I actually like!

Our earlier visit to the said vet wasn't as fruitful as she had hoped. They said that they only take in injured strays and couldn't make the space for just a case of adoption. However, they did told her that she could put on the adoption posters on their board in case anyone would be interested. 

Recalling our exit from the place, her usual pretty smile in 'thanks' and 'goodbye' forced out my awkward 'Can we meet again later??'. I could tell that even she was surprised by it. She said that she has plans in the evening and is only available at night and my still-panicked brain answered with 'Tonight, then!'. I'm still thankful that she didn't poke my insecurities any further and agreed with it, all with the same pretty smile. I forgot how much I had cursed myself on my walk back home after that. 

"Hi!" She beams in front of my sorry, waiting ass. 

Looking at her now though...I'm so glad I manned the hell up and asked her out earlier. She's wearing a black halter-top that hangs just above her navel, with a pair of tight leather-looking pants and Dr. Martens. In her right hand is a jacket that I assumed was used as a cover for when she's on her Vespa. There's very little make-up that I could spot on her face, just as how I'm familiar with, but it still feels like I'm looking at her for the very first time. She's so beautiful when she smiles at me like this...with her doll-like eyes... 

"Jungkook-ssi?"

"Y - yes! Hi!" Shit, I zoned-out again! "Sorry, I just uh...you look nice!" Nice. Nice?? That's the best I could come up with - Jeon Jungkook, get your head together!!

I know I asked to meet but she was the one who decided that we should come to this place. She said that there's a performance tonight so I told myself again and again that 'this isn't me, clubbing', just so I can feel a little bit better about myself. But really, how am I supposed to be okay with this? I didn't think that the event was going to be at a night club. Me! A night club! Jeez - eomma would be proud!

"So here's what we're gonna do tonight," She said to break the silence while we stand in the queue in front of the hyped, bass-sounding NB2. "We're gonna go in, order a Red Bull, and we're gonna dance our hearts out even when we don't know the songs, okay?"

A Red Bull? As in...a Red Bull?? "Dance...while...while sober?" I'm really having an existential crisis right now!

"Yup! That's all we're gonna do so don't be nervous." 

I guess it's obvious, huh? Okay, I get it...I regret it, okay?! I'll never ask her out - ever again - "Maybe we shouldn't -"

"Come on, Jungkook-ssi...the night is young and life is good, right?"

"But I...I don't really..." I lean down so I can whisper my shame, but this is now the closest that I've ever been to her neck and her scent is clouding my common sense. "I've never gone, like...what if...what if I'm bad at it?" 

What I really wanted to say was 'I don't really dance and this is a bad idea after all because I wasn't thinking clearly when I asked you out and it really isn't like me at all to do this kind of thing on a Sunday night so can we just go for a quick dinner and forget about this whole thing?' like a wuss.

"Then we can be bad together! I don't mind giving people something to laugh about at least once before I die!" It's weird that I joined in her laughter after she said that, but I felt a little at ease to find that she wouldn't mind having me looking bad next to her. I mean, I've only seen her serving drinks at Seven - who knows? Maybe she's bad at it too!

...

Only she isn't. 

I swore I'd lost count on how many times I held my breath in last night, trying to grasps some invisible morality that I shouldn't lay - or linger - a single finger on her. Of course, there were moments when I failed. Despite the constant laughs to keep the assurance on me, her body just seemed to be moving in perfect rhythms every single time. Her eyes were only on me, guiding me along to let loose and enjoy the young night. And I can actually say that I did. 

We were in our own little world - sober and hopping and dancing among the crowds, despite not knowing a single song from the rappers on stage. I can't remember the last time I felt so unbothered in such a tight, social space. I walked instead of taking the train while living in Osaka simply to avoid the uncomfortable, crowded rooms, but I could hardly pay attention to the bumping shoulders last night. I had my eyes on only her. 

It's amazing how she is so...so lively. It's as if nothing can touch her...bother her, in a way that a normal person would feel. A kind of freedom I've only read in books of adventures and discoveries. I guess those people really do exist...and I'm on my fifth date with one of them now. Well, technically, it's our sixth. But we're only on the fifth day so I'm counting it as it is to not get my anxiety all riled up. 

Today, we headed to a beach near the Chungcheongnam-do province. At 4 in the evening. I realised while we were on our way there...that my brain have been asking a lot of 'why' ever since I knew this girl. Is it because she wanted to swim? But it will be cold soon so...is she looking for just the right amount of sun-tanning on her skin - is that why we're going at 4 in the evening?That can't be it. There are other beaches much closer - why are we going to this specific one, one hour away?

It turns out that the reason was because of ATV and sunset. There are horses for hourly rent too but none of us knew how to ride them, so we ended up racing around the beach on the four-wheeler instead. It wasn't as exhilarating as jumping off a cliff with strapped-on wires but I still had tons of laughs and fun.

Because she was funny when she loses a bet. It wasn't even me - I'm the gentleman who kept saying that 'it doesn't have to a competition!' while she kept pushing my ego off by saying 'aww...are you scared you'll lose, Jungkook-ssi??' with that cheeky pout of hers! It's only right that I show-off my masculinity, especially since I couldn't pull it off at the dance club!

"Will you look at that..." She gasped, just when the sun rested at the edge of the ocean line far ahead of us. 

The horizon is lit with splendid burst of colours...and honeyed rays are reflected on the waters - waves merging on top of each other. I stole a glance to my right, to where she is sitting, and find the golden shade glowing on her smiling face. It doesn't feel real...it feels like a made-up scene from a movie...but yes, it really is a beautiful sight.

"This is my first time watching a sunset in Korea," she said. 

"To be honest...it's my first too."

She giggled. "I think it's about time you admit that you're not a local, Jungkook-ssi."

"Aishh my secret's finally out!" I return her laughter with my own, then our silence continues - lingering somewhere between where we sit and radiating far across the sea.

This is all pretty new to me. The kind of trust and excitement I placed on this mysterious girl...and the comfort and calmness she brought to me. I've never thought about my surrounding as much as I had, ever since I started going out with her. It wasn't common for me to look up to the sky and ponder, but now I'd seen it from a theme park, a faraway hill, and a beachside, and I must say...

"Thank you...for asking me out."

I don't know what she really thinks of me, other than I'm 'beautiful', of course. I don't know if she's satisfied of her 'choice' even - whether she was truly enjoying my company or she's simply killing time. I don't know what she thought of my sudden appreciation, but I feel a little relieved to have said it out loud. I may not know a lot of things...but I really hope she's okay with it. That this thing she's searching for...this 'healing'...I hope that I'm helping, somehow. 

 She placed her palm on my arm and I felt the shivers, just like last night. It isn't anything sexual or probably even personal, I know this...but it still makes my heart melt.

"Thank you to you too...for giving me your time."

...

On our sixth date, she asked me to meet at a coffee shop. I was excited to hear what she has in plan for us - no, I was excited to simply seeing her face again, I won't lie this time! - so I had put on a perfume along with my best-looking combination of an outfit that's fitting for a sixth date which felt like a third. I even gave myself a stare-game in the mirror before I left - telling myself that with this much confidence, I can probably get a kiss on the cheek later on. 

All that tough-talk went straight out the window when I found Lisa sitting alone with a mask on. It turned out that she was sick. It's probably because of the night wind on the previous ATV rendezvous by the beach that brought her the cold, and I found myself being more worried than I was disappointed. She said that she didn't want to waste the day by not meeting at all and even though I told her that I didn't mind to postpone it until she feels better, she insisted that we sit down for coffee for 10 minutes as our sixth date. 

It was irritating, to be honest...because the psychic lady was right - I didn't want her to think that everything ends after the seventh. I know anything could happen within a single day but I also know that my mind's all set with this girl. I want to keep seeing her. I'll see her every damn day - that pretty, bright smile and those twinkling eyes when she laughs. I may be asking for too much but I really don't want it to end just yet. 

But time doesn't wait for no man, they say...and with every ticking seconds, it dawned on me that they're right. 

On the seventh day, I walked around feeling more anxious than ever while waiting for her text. I kept hoping that she had recovered from her cold, so much so that it almost sound like a constant prayer! Seriously, I've never felt this desperate throughout my whole life -

"Yo!" The sudden heaviness across the back of my shoulder almost tripped me over. "I called for you a couple of times, where's your head at??" Jimin huffed out with a frown. 

I wasn't sure how to respond to that because clearly, even I don't know where it's been! "What's up?"

"No class after, right? Wanna shoot some pools?"

My first instinct was 'not this again' - but on second thought, I might be able to see Lisa and confirm that she's recovered from her cold. I figured that I won't be so fretful for a minute longer, so I ended up shrugging as I usually did. Unfortunately, she wasn't there. I waited for a good one hour too just to be sure but every time that 'Staff Only' labeled-door opened, a different face showed up, killing my high expectations. 

Jimin noticed how my eyes constantly darted towards the bar and thought that I took a liking on that girl. It's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard but I couldn't tell him that I was l hoping to see the one who they've all been pining on. It might cause a fight and I couldn't risk having punches accidentally thrown on my face at the prospect of seeing Lisa today. 

"Ahh where the hell is that chick?! I'm so bored of waiting - it's the same one every day! Hey, Kook - if you wanna get her digits, ask her where that chick is for us, will you?" Mingyu laughed. I guess Jimin wasn't the only one who had noticed. 

Justifiably only to me, to avoid any further teasing from the guys and impatient irritations coming out from my mouth, I went straight to the girl behind the bar on my own and asked her for my own self. I mean, I could simply send a text to Lisa and asks if we can hang out...but it felt like a more embarrassing thing to do compared to asking a stranger on her whereabouts. I really didn't know the logic behind it.

"Oh, she's not working here anymore - not since last week." The girl smiled but I couldn't return it. I know I should have - since she had just given me a little useful insight - but I couldn't. 

I didn't know that she had quit her job. I thought that was why we kept meeting in mornings and evenings, with such short hours - it was because she had her working shifts. I thought last Saturday was her day off and that's why we got to spend the entire day together. I know we skipped a lot on personals but how could I have missed that question out? It should be as simple as 'are you not working today?', right? Why did she quit anyway? Did she get a new job? Is that why she asked me out - are my days being spent to fill in her time before she gets busy with her new work? Is it her dream work?

A lot of questions ran through my mind and they kept repeating themselves - making me even more anxious than I already was. I've never felt so much need to understand something, as much as I wanted to understand her. I realised then...how much I wanted to know her...all of her, and keep knowing her. The longer I wait, the more painful the longing got and I didn't know how to deal with it. So after that 15 minutes of leaving Seven and another 25 minutes of pondering to myself in the apartment...I caved. 

I texted her first, starting with 'how are you feeling today?' which I got off from the internet. She didn't reply right away and God - the 8 minutes of waiting was excruciating! It's because I wasn't sure how she would read it. Would it sound like I was being concerned or clingy? I kept checking on the status too, just to see if she came Online. When I finally received her reply, I felt like a whole burden was lifted off my shoulders. 

She said that she's feeling better and thanked me for asking. I asked a couple more - whether she's had anything to eat and if there are medicines ready for her at home. She answered 'yes' to both and I could've sworn my lips started bleeding at one point - biting on them while thinking on ways to ask if we're meeting today. It wasn't long before she said it first and as soon as I read the text...I swear...my soul just shifted out of my body. 

'If you don't mind, can we have the date at my house today?'

...

I brought snacks as a token of gratitude for getting the invite. I initially thought of getting takeaways for our dinner but she said to not worry about it since she has ordered for us. To give more thanks, I also nervously presented a small bouquet of yellow and purple flowers. I wanted to get roses - the pink or red ones - but I read that it could be too much of a declaration and I didn't want to scare her away. 

Her 'small' apartment isn't that small, to be honest. Mine is bigger but that's probably because my parents pays for it. The more I look around, the more I could tell that it fits her somehow. It's big enough for a girl living on her own - with a living room and a kitchen. Must be the vibrant colours...they match her, somehow. I'm sure that the single door beside the TV leads to her bedroom but let us not wonder what it looks like...for now.

There are a couple of packed boxes at one corner of the wall and she said that those are some clothes that she isn't wearing anymore and that she's thinking of donating them. There's a small balcony with covered blinds on and I could see a few wooden houses for her cats. I thanked her for keeping them behind, openly admitting that I'm not good with felines. 

She ordered a pizza and some fried chickens for us and we sat on the yellow carpet of her living room floor - eating while playing Scrabble in front of the muted television. She's still pale but she seemed just like herself, so I no longer feel as anxious as I had throughout the day. I know that it's because I'm here...and she's here...and we're laughing because she kept trying to switch her lettered tiles and I kept reminding her that 'That's cheating!'. 

I had a thought - once or twice - that this is how much comfort she brought me. That I could joke and laugh so easily with a person I've just known 7 days ago. That I could feel something...more than the usual...and how I've enjoyed being this version of me. A me who didn't mind wasting time on trivia or board games. A me who shouts at the top of my lungs over cliffs or in the middle of a dance floor...or on an ATV underneath the sunsetting sky. A me who feels alive, every time she smiles. Yes, I've enjoyed that 'me' very much.

"So uh...I went to Seven after class today," I peeked for a reaction but received none. She's so focused on cleaning the tiles off the board and placing them back into the black pouch. "I thought you'd be there...they said you don't work there anymore."

"Ahh...that." She made it sound so simple. "Yes, I resigned last week. You know...the day when I asked you out."

Oh...wait, she did say that she wasn't sure if she'll meet me again...no wonder she was so persistent! 

"Where are you going next?" I tried my very best to sound casual with it. I didn't want her to think that I'd be stalking her or anything like that. I just feel that I should know...since I planned on asking her out again tomorrow. And the next -

"I don't know yet." Oh? So...so she just quit...just like that? "I'm on an indefinite holiday for now...living young while I can." She smiled cheekily as she said it.

"No grand meaning, huh?" I recalled back what she had said before, since I was expecting more. 

Lisa placed the board game back underneath the television bench and proceeds to sit beside me - leaning against the small sofa. She took a sip of the canned soda and I heard a sigh after. 

"You know...my late grandfather used to tell me...that every passing moment is the passing of life. He said that when I was ten so I didn't quite understand what he meant. Now that I'm older...and I had a lot of time to think on my own...I wished I'd understood it much earlier. That every single second counts, and moments...like this one for instance, I'd live for sixty more years and I still wouldn't be able to get it back. I'll remember it...carry it...just like a life that was once alive. So the grand meaning, Jungkook-ssi...is that I would die a thousand deaths willingly, since I know I had lived through these moments."

I can't take my eyes away from her. Everything that has passed through her lips struck me speechless. I can't think of a way to make myself comparable. There was something so warm about her, something that felt so right. She is an enigma...and a beautiful one at that.

"You look like you have a confession to make. Do I confuse you, Jungkook-ssi?"

I like the way she says my name. No, I like everything about her. I even dare to say that I've fallen for her. Madly fallen for her. 

"Lisa-ssi...why did you chose me?" I ended up asking in hopes that the answer will provide me the confidence.

She turned her head to face me and there's a small smile. I thought she was going to tell me the exact same thing that she had before - that I'm 'beautiful' again, but instead, she says, "I just have a crush on you, Jungkook-ssi. I don't know why. Maybe because you always looked like you're bored with everything...but I kind of sensed deep down that you don't really know 'everything' to already be tired of it."

That's...

"Can I ask you something?" 

I managed to nod. 

"If the world ends tomorrow and I ask you to leave everything behind and take the last train without a destination in mind, would you get on it with me without question?"

I can't answer it. Not because I don't know what I would do of it, but because I found myself terrified of what the answer is. And it is...I would. Without question, for her and with her, I definitely would. I would fill up her footsteps, follow everywhere she goes if it means I'll get to spend even a second more with her. I don't know what's wrong with me. I should have questions. My old self would have questions.

"Something happened...and it made me realise that if tomorrow's the end of the world, I'd like to not be scared. I'd like to know that whatever age I am at, I won't feel like I haven't done much - regretting anything. I think as humans, we tend to forget a lot - especially the little things. What's important to us...how to see them...to cherish them. We walk and go about as if we own time...and I just wanna forgive myself for it."

"Have you lost someone recently, Lisa-ssi?" I blurted because there's a hint of sadness in the way she spoke. 

She looks back back at me and I thought her eyes twinkled. Took me a second more to realise that they are actually glistening waters. 

"I'm sorry. If you don't wanna talk about it, you don't have to. I know you've said before...that we don't have to get personal and stuff. I just..." I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, collecting all my courage to mutter out the words. "I wish we do get personal...closer maybe...so I can tell you...that I see you. And I like you. And I think that...if you maybe don't mind me saying this - I won't ever regret seeing you these past seven days. I hope I've done good enough that you feel the same too."

Time ticks by as I wait...and wait, for her response. This is probably the longest she has ever stared at me without her pretty smile on that beautiful face. It must be a sign.

I shook my head to somehow wake myself up from the expectation and rests to face the floor. "Again - I'm sorry. Just - just forget what I said, I didn't mean to make you uncomfor -"

I don't know what she's feeling but I know mine. When she cupped my face and kissed me...I was an empty shell being filled with pure magic. An energy to dispose of the vulnerable, ignorant, arrogant me. Her lips feel soft against mine, and it's as if I've been craving for them all my life.It's real...and it's protective...and although it's an alien feeling, I feel like I'm transported back home - wherever it was. 

When she pulled herself away, I opened my eyes in intoxication. I didn't think the 2 cans of beer would get me drunk, so I figured that wasn't it. It's her who'd left me spinning and breathless.

"I'm sorry..." Her small voice feels hot. I am now aware of how fast my heart is thudding. "I shouldn't have -"

"Why? I've been wanting to do that for days now," I don't know where I got this boldness from...nor do I care about reserving myself any further. I have a lot of things that I'd like to say to her...to ask of her. And here is where I'll start. She hinted a growing smile and I could wait no longer. 

My hands have minds of their own now and as I leaned to kiss her again, they dipped themselves in between her long hair - caressing the back of her neck. She lets out a soft gasp and her lips parted further - giving me the first taste of her warm tongue. I don't know if I've ever experienced anything so generous...so sweet. 

Aware that she's clutching on the shirt above my chest, I grow greedier. I've never wanted for something so much to a point where I'm desperate for it...but I want this girl. Lisa. I want more from her. I want everything of her. I want her to show me her world and I want all of these feelings which she had sparked in me to never disappear. 

Perhaps my thoughts and eagerness had taken over because by the time we came up for some air, I realised that she had been lain down on the carpeted floor. And she is breathtakingly beautiful...

"Should I stop?" I panted, right on top of her. It's honestly the last thread of moral I have at this particular moment - to calm myself down and retreat...for now. As 'nice' as it sounds, I can already feel my heart breaking over it. 

But then, she smiled...not the same as how her smile had been before - no, this is a new one. A shy, cheek-blushing smile...

...and I melt. 

...

I get it now. I'm late but I get what all my friends were raving about when they talked about girls. 

I swear, I've never felt anything like it! The nature...and the emotions. The urgent force of longing and the eventful, anticipated release. The passion written in her eyes as she writhed and moaned beneath me. The overwhelming obsession rising up from all over my body, with every kisses and every thrusts. There was no other existence in the world then, that could amount up to what we were feeling that night. 

Or at least, what I was feeling that night. 

Those 7 days were amazing, but that night of being on her bed...touching her and kissing her - being inside of her - made me feel like a renewed man. Lisa...she was such a magnificent beauty at the palm of my hands. Everything on her was soft and gentle, and at the same time, as vibrant...as bright and fiery as a flame. I don't know how else to explain it...other than it was mind-blowingly life-changing. 

Yet...now...I'm left with anxiety again. Why?

Because she seemed different while standing behind her door when I was about to leave. Her golden and pink blushes had gone and disappeared in that early morning, and her pale skin had taken over. She looked tired - understandably, from the physical intimacy we've had that night - but that wasn't the main thing that disturbed my mind. 

No, what halted my recollection since I woke up smiling - despite the lack of sleep - and hopping energetically for my first class of the day was the fact that she hadn't said anything about calling or meeting me again. I mean, I was over-the-moon when I saw her last and perhaps she was too, and that's why neither of us had mentioned it. Now the more I thought about it, the clearer the picture gets. How her smile was weak when I kissed her again at the door...and how her eyes looked like they held words, but none that I could hear. 

I'd been tapping my fingers and pens incessantly - impatient with the time running so slow today. Seeing Jimin's constant yawn used to bother me only because I couldn't associate with the boredom he felt at what our professors are saying, but I was especially irritated today because it seemed like my suspicion was right. That time is really moving weirdly slow today. And for the first time ever, I kept feeling a strong urge to walk out of a lecture at any given second. 

I've yet to receive any texts or calls from Lisa and I'd bitten my nails by the time noon came around. I could only afford to be positive in regards to our 'heightened' connection after what happened last night, so I decided to take matters into my own hands moving forward. I told myself that I will do everything in my power to keep her beside me, and that was when I texted her first. My greeting of 'Hey, how are you feeling today?' was left unresponsive for half an hour, and then I texted another, asking if she's had her lunch yet. This too, was not reciprocated. 

By the time the next day came, the inner voices peaked at an all time high. With prolonged blankness on the screen of my phone, my reasons and doubts were at war with each other. I couldn't eat nor sleep in peace. I tried really hard to brush them off and staying focus on my daily routines...but I failed. At the end of that, I chose to skip my classes and run to her instead. 

I was huffing and panting by the time I got to her doorstep. I told myself multiple times, that this worry would be over once I see her. I only needed to see her. But again, I was left unattended. Her house was quiet and unmoved, no matter how many times I rang the doorbell or knocked. Of course I've tried calling her, but just like all my five messages that was unread, all of my calls ended up with the voicemail prompter. 

I don't know where to find her or what I should do. Honestly, I don't even know if the amount of distress I had been feeling is even justifiable! Really, the loudest voice in my head are saying that she's ignoring me - that everything was said and done in those 7 days and on the eighth, we are nothing but strangers again. The more these notions repeat themselves, the angrier I got. Because I've told her that I wanted us to get closer. I told her that I'll see her 'tomorrow' and that 'tomorrow' is yesterday! How could she ignore me - dispose that of me without even a word??

Nothing made sense and because of that, I couldn't move from that dreadful spot. The spot where I'm back to knowing nothing. The spot where I'm so near, yet she felt so far - flying all by herself in the sky with no worries in mind. It angers me, truthfully. I felt like I'd been fooled and used. I've given my time to her, so why can't she pay me even the slightest, decent excuse? 

"Excuse me," I glanced up to the deep voice of a man, coming from my right. His built is somewhat huge and tall from where I am sitting. "Why are you squatting here?" 

Is he a concerned neighbour? "I'm uh..." I'm not good with older people. Scrap that, I'm not good with any people! "I'm waiting for a friend of mine. Please don't mind me...I won't give you any trouble." I forced myself a friendly-enough smile.

"It's troubling for me if your 'friend' is my daughter. This is her house." Oh? Oh... "Does she owe you anything?"

I couldn't help my confused gape and I only managed to snap out of it after a minute. Maybe two. "I'm sorry - Lisa? The one who lives here - she's your daughter??"

He seemed amused with my bewilderment. Probably because I'd basically catapulted myself up in an instant too. 

"Yes...as far as I can recall. What business do you have, waiting for her here?" 

"I uh..." Crap, what do I say?? "There's uh..." He cocked an eyebrow and I started sweating. "Something um...something I needed to ask - I'm sorry, I'll come back tomorrow!"

Just as I was about to make a run for it, I heard him say, "She won't be here tomorrow either." I halted and turned. Gone is his amused smile. "She won't come back for at least seven days."

"Won't...won't come back? Where did she go...if you don't mind me asking?"

He folds his arms across his chest, signalling his authority if it isn't already shown on his big built. "How close are you with my daughter?"

Not as close as I'd liked us to be, unfortunately. "We're um..." Should I say it? But if I don't, he probably won't tell me. But if I lie...come on, it's not a lie, is it? I mean, technically, we haven't confirmed it...but we didn't exactly agreed on it being a one-time thing either so - "We're dating..." Oops! "...sir."

His expression changed to being surprised - I can understand that much! "You're dating my daughter...yet you don't know where she went?"

"She um...she must've forgotten to tell me. The last we met was two days ago and...I um...I couldn't reach her since."

His eyes now roam - from my face to my shoes, as if assessing my very being to determine what I can imagine as 'are you even good enough to be dating her?'. I waited...and waited, for him to make a decision. It felt like I've stood on my spot for ages before he sighed out, 

"We're wasting time. Come inside. I need to grab a few things for her."

...

Cancer. 

It's so familiar. I've heard of it a lot of times throughout my life but for some reason...it's so foreign now. I know I've said it before but really, everything makes perfect sense. The last piece of her puzzle, being fit in altogether. And for the thousandth time since I've met her, I hear myself repeating...what should I do now? What is the right thing to do? 

I'm sitting at the lobby of the fourth floor in SNU Cancer Hospital, and I couldn't take any step further than this without dissecting every piece of information I've received from her father. Spine Tumor...stage 2...chemotherapy. No matter how I look at it, I couldn't put her into that picture. 

I couldn't imagine that same bubbly, giggly girl in that room, receiving her first ever trial treatment after 7 days of pure optimism. I've recalled her pale face on that climbing route - how she smiled while huffing the exhaustion out and said that she just needed a quick breather...I should have realised it then how she was also clutching desperately onto her back and waist. Maybe I would have noticed the pain she was enduring too, much earlier than this. Still, none of them could have led me into believing that this is all true. 

It's just...unfair. Unfortunate, definitely, but mostly unfair. Lisa - she...she's not supposed to be in there. It's not her place - it's...it's ridiculous, that's what it is! She's bright and...and fearless...and she's kind. Pure. Unselfish and undemanding. She's generous with her self and she's appreciative of my being. She's the most beautiful girl I've ever known - inside and out - how is it even possible for her to have cancer?? 

I know I shouldn't be asking that. That sentence - it's always intended to those who never seemed to be deserving of it. I also know that I shouldn't be revolving it around myself...but I couldn't help it. What was I then? How do I fit into this picture? Was I just there as an accessory? A fun thing to have around before she undergoes her treatment? I shook my head to get rid of the thought again and noticed that one of the nurses' pitiful glance towards me. 

I was introduced to her mother when her father first brought me here. They disappeared into that room for a while and when they came back out, they said that their daughter did not want to see me. It was one of the most embarrassing and gut-wrenching thing to hear from a person, I've now experienced. They had left for the night about 2 hours ago and as persistent as they were at asking me to leave today as how it is, I couldn't. 

I feel responsible, somehow. Deep down, it's as if my mere presence would mean something to her. I wanted to mean something to her. I may not know much about how to deal with this situation...

No, I have zero idea on how to deal with this situation.

"Guk, what time is it? Is everything alright?" My mother's voice sounds breathy and worried over the phone. I do feel sorry that I had to wake her up at 1 a.m, Osaka time. 

"I'm okay, eomma. I just..." Why do I feel like crying, just to hear this voice? I don't cry - especially not in front of her. 

"What is it, honey?"

"I um..." What should I say? How do I say it? What is it that I even want to ask her? "I miss you."

There was a short silence on the phone, and then I hear her sigh. "Oh my heart...my heart just skipped!" That made me smile a little...but it also made my eyes teary. Damn, this isn't me! "Something's wrong, I know it! Tell me - tell me what's wrong! You don't say these kind of things so the world must be ending!"

I laughed and wiped my eyes, all while recalling Lisa's question from that night. "Eomma...if...just if...the world is ending, I'd like you to know that I'm doing well, okay? That I'm happy...for everything you've done for me...no matter the places you've brought me. I'm grateful."

"Guk, you're really scaring me - let me wake your appa up - should we fly there -"

"Eomma." I called again to stop her. "I'd gone out for a little adventure."

"Adventure?"

I nodded, even though I knew she couldn't see me. "Like you've always asked me to. I went out with this girl...and she was an adventure."

"Oh...oh my boy -"

"But now she's sick...and I don't know what to do. Like...like, how can I help her?" The sob had left my throat without any barrier then. All I could do to avoid from thrashing myself out loud in this overwhelming silent space is by cupping my face and holding my head down. Let me be in my own world for a while...where all I could see are the blurred vision of my shoes...and the empty floor. "She has cancer. I don't know anyone who had cancer. And she doesn't want to see me. What should I do, eomma? What can I do?" 

I'm crying like a child and I can't stop it. It's how I feel right now, honestly. Like a child. And he doesn't know anything. He had seen nothing. Lisa was right. I really don't know a lot to be so arrogant against anything. 

"Oh my...I - I don't know what to say, Guk...but...whenever you're sick, you didn't liked us seeing you too, right? Maybe she's the same? Maybe she just needs time -"

There's that word again - 'time' - reminding me of how everything came about. She wanted time and she wanted my time. It's all I could give her anyway. Because 9 days ago, I had no clue on who she was. I even questioned my generosity while appearing on that first date. 

"You've never said anything about a girl before so I'm sorry if I sounded a little...oh dear, what am I saying??" I don't know why my mother's frantic breaths over that remark made me smile. I'm shaking, crying and trying hard not to laugh. I must've gone crazy! "Alright, let me - let me try my best here! So your friend...your um...your girlfriend?"

"I'd like her to be,"

"Oh! Oh!!" I am confident that she's pacing about in that house. Maybe she's throwing a party? She might have woken up my father too with that high-pitched voice! "Bless the night - we should pay a visit!" A little too excited, I see...had she forgotten why I cried in the first place? "Hang in there - just stay with her -"

"She doesn't want to see me -"

"Even so, just stay! Just - just wait and stay. She may change her mind later so don't leave! If she's important to you - Guk, if she's really important to you, you should wait for her, alright? Be strong for her, be there for her! I don't know anyone who had cancer too but maybe appa does so just hang in there! We'll...we'll figure something out together, alright honey?"

...

"Jungkook-ssi?" Her weak, croaky voice appeared, far behind the still, half-opened door. It's dark inside and the only little light comes from the hallway, the moment I pushed it open. "Don't come in. Please..."

It breaks my heart to hear it directly from her. I only wanted to check. No, I should stop lying to myself - I just really wanted to see her. 

"Lisa-ssi..." I paused only to gather the words that I'd been meaning to say. "I won't leave. I'll be just outside of your room and I'll wait. For when you need something...or when you need someone. I'll be here, okay?"

Silence captured the air for a minute, and I thought she had gone back to sleep. 

"I'm sorry...I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I didn't want to be the sick girl who you had to give your time to -"

"It's alright, I'm not mad at you - just..." I took another deep breath. "I gave you my time...and I haven't asked for anything yet in return so if I can...I'll tell you now. Please give me your time too." I'm fidgeting by the door like a fool but I couldn't care much about it. "Just as I had gone with you for that seven days...please give me your seven days too."

I heard her sniffling and all I wanted was to run inside and hold her. But I can't. I have to hold my feet back for now. 

"Rest well, Lisa-ssi. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

"You know, normally they'd give the 'last wish' to the dying ones. Why are you the one making requests?" I could hear the humour in her voice - as if she's laughing at me, but I welcome it. It reminds me of the girl I fell for, one date at a time. 

"You're not dying, so...let me in for seven days, starting tomorrow."

...

Her parents came back in the early wee of morning. They were, no doubt, too surprised to even hide it from their faces. Finding me there still in my previous day's clothes must've been shocking. I wondered if the notion of me being their daughter's boyfriend seemed much more appealing then, but I don't want to push my luck. I said my greetings and updated them on how many times the nurses went in, and I only felt stupid afterwards because of course they would prefer a much more major news. I'd gone back to freshen up and got a quick nap right after.

My mother arrived that afternoon. I can't lie, it feels so damn good to have someone familiar beside me - even if this whole thing isn't about me. Since my father has a 'meeting with an Australian rep today', he wasn't able to come. My mother tried hard to assure me that he really wanted to though, but I honestly didn't mind. It's hard enough to present my vulnerable self in front of one parent, what more to two?

I've only realised that day...how much my mother treats me like a 'mommy's boy' all this while. She couldn't stop fixing the collar of my shirt - from the moment we left the house until we reached the hospital. She bought a big fruit basket on our way up and handed it to me as though the thoughtful gift was genuinely my idea. And she made me turn to face her right as we stopped by the door of Lisa's ward, making sure we both looked presentable enough for a good impression. 

I can't complain to none of it...because one, everything she did was pretty much called 'human decency'. Two, she is, after all, the madam of South Korea's ambassador's house. That behaviour is somewhat embedded in her blood. When we knocked on the door, Lisa's mother was the first to greet us. Her parents welcomed us more warmly and I suspect it's because of the madam. Quite hard to get annoyed when you have people your age visiting and showing concern for your child, no?

Anyway, I was over the moon to see Lisa's face that day. I felt like I hadn't seen her for a long, long time...even though it's only been 3 days. I felt all sort of tingles to see her smile - despite the new shade of pale covering her face. I wanted to at least hold her hand, but I figured that the older crowd wouldn't like seeing it. So while they were chatting about, I spoke to her in hushes. 

"How are you feeling today?"

"Better than yesterday...but it's still too early to tell." I heard that she would be brought out for her therapy around 4 in the evening, so I understood that cheekiness right away. "I'm sorry - I look like shit and I never want my crush to see it."

"You'd never look like shit. And your crush is having a major crush on you too, so...have you eaten anything? Do you want me to get you something - something you feel like having?"

She sighed a few barely-there laughs. "Do you not have any appointments today? A dance challenge maybe..."

"No. I'm claiming my seven days as I see fit and I'm not exchanging it even for ten million views." I joked.

"So dedicated..."

"I'm loyal. I know you don't know that - even I didn't know that - but yeah,"

"I'm a lucky one then!" She shuts her eyes and the grin made her cheeks all round and puffy. I swear if no one else was around - "So you're just gonna waste your time here? Be my loyal servant and wait for the bell? That doesn't sound like what a smart, beautiful Seoul National graduate would do, Jungkook-ssi..."

"I still can't agree on 'beautiful' but since I know I'm smart, I beg to differ. Any smart SNU graduate would drop whatever they're doing to see you."

A little colour finally graced her cheeks. "Haistt...you're this sweet when we've only slept together once! Are you expecting me to die that soon, Jungkook-ssi?"

It annoyed me when she said that, even when I know that it was a joke. "Lisa-ssi -"

"You...slept with my daughter?" 

Both of us looked up to the other side of her bed at the same time and my mouth dropped. Shit! Shit, shit, shit - he heard us!!

"Calm down, daddy...he didn't do anything wrong. I kept him occupied for too long and the train station's closed. You didn't teach your daughter to leave a helpless friend out in the cold by himself, so I told him to sleep over. That's all there was." 

I didn't know if being sick on the hospital bed could get you a free pass on things but heck, now I do! Or maybe it's only her who could be sick and get a free pass because damn, I wouldn't be able to come up with that kind of lie that quick!

In front of me, her father's shoulders were still squared, his chest heaving like there's unimaginable wrath waiting to explode and tear me to pieces. He looked like he could cook me and serve my pieces to some helpless guy sleeping by a street somewhere. 

"Lisa, is it?" Thankfully, my mother came to the rescue. "Guk has told me so much about you. I'm so happy that I can be here to meet you."

Lisa tried to get herself up but hearing her tiny whimpers, I hinted for her to lay back down. With a heavy heart, I gave my spot to my mother so they could talk better. 

"Nice to meet you too, Mrs..."

"Jeon, but if your mother doesn't mind, you can just call me 'eomma'!" 

What was in my mind to see all 4 of them laughing softly together? Right...I thought 'wow...' for more than a couple of times. It's an amazing, foreign feeling, I realised. Me and this girl, we hardly knew each other. I knew what she had presented to me in those 8 dates, but I don't even know her full name, just as she didn't know mine! Granted, she knew more about me with all those random questions before, but shouldn't it be more? 

We've slept together. It wasn't ideal to now know that she wasn't feeling that well when we did it but never mind that, I've declared that I'd fallen for her. I've never believed in magic before but at that moment, I realised that I kind of do. Because what else could trigger this inexplicably heavy feelings I've felt towards her? To see her parents and my mother in the same room and being comfortable with each other. They say you have to know a person in order to love them but...I'm already in too deep without it. And that's...that's magic, for sure! 

...

My mother is a wonder, really, and I can't believe I've never noticed it! 

She had requested a change of specialist to give extra care to Lisa, based on my father's contacts. The small family of three had somehow became like old friends with her - I could never! - and while she asked me to stay and wait for Lisa to come out from her therapy later that day, she went over to my university and asked for my absence pardon. She told me that she had lied to my Head of Department - all with little giggles on the phone - that a close relative is currently sick and I had to fly out for a couple of days to pay my 'long-overdue visits'. It's annoying how we are so different, I thought. 

Because if we were the same, I knew I'd be able to handle things better and I wouldn't have to rely on my mother to lie for me. Anyway, she left that night itself because she wasn't used to not being home when my father gets back from work. I forced myself to believe that I could deal with things on my own now.

The first thing that Lisa did when she was brought back to her room that night was dragging her weak feet quickly into the bathroom. I heard the tired and heavy breaths, and I began losing my composure. I almost called for a nurse too, but she came back out just in time. She was vomiting but told me not to worry. That it's just one of the side-effects from the radiation and drugs. I almost cried, staring at her sleeping state that night - feeling so helpless and lost. I wished I could do more - take away some of the pain in her small body even, just so she didn't have to go through it again. 

She woke up around 3 a.m, restless and thirsty. I gave her a glass of water, tore up the bread I've bought earlier into tiny pieces and fed her...and we talked about a lot of things, just to help get off the things that's bothering her mind. 

"Eomma's a homemaker...but she likes to accompany appa on events and stuff. My appa was the Head of Mission with South Korean embassy before, so we sort of moved a couple of times. I was born here but I don't remember anything about being here. My first memory was is Tokyo...then Osaka. We moved to Hong Kong when I was in primary school, then moved back to Japan. Tokyo again...then Nagoya...and finally, for now, I mean, Osaka. I can't recall being at one place for a long time. I didn't feel the need to complain either. Just the way I am, I suppose...I just go along with anything since I'm used to it."

"And here? What's the story there?"

I laughed out my embarrassment. "Eomma asked me to pick a country. She didn't say 'pick a state'. A different country, she said, so I could learn how to 'live a little'." I quoted that last bit to emphasise. "You were right, Lisa-ssi. I didn't know a lot of things because I didn't feel like knowing them. But I can't say that I'm bitter...or that I hate the world - not anything like that. I'm just used to being in my own head, I guess. I never had much to say...or to feel...I didn't think I needed to."

The small smile never left her face and I think that's amazing. Here she is, drained and weak, but that beautiful smile is still plastered strongly. "Yeah...I remember staring at you from across the room...behind the bar...you always had that bleakness on your face, as if you didn't care if you win or lose. Your friends would cheer you up and around, and they looked like they wanna impress you...but you - you didn't have a care in the world, did you?"

I sighed, feeling the warm flush rising up to my neck. This girl can call me out a million times and I'll admit to every single one of them! "I didn't have any particular interest...I guess it showed on my face..."

"You said 'didn't'...do you have one now?" 

I sensed that it was a trap I'm making for myself but again, I simply don't care anymore. "You. My interest is you."

For the first time in these 2 days, her laugh managed to fill the entire room. "What have I done for you to turn into this corny guy out of the blue?"

"It wasn't 'out of the blue' though...you just didn't notice it."

She squints her eyes at me. "Definitely wasn't as long as my crush on you -"

"Yeah, speaking of that, you haven't told me. How long?"

"Does it even matter?"

"Oh, yes it does!"

She laughs even more - aishh, that's an amazing sound! "Ten months, Jungkook-ssi. I've had a crush on you for nine months."

"Ten..." I tests the number. Honestly, I'm quite dazed right now. "Ten months...that's...a long time -" I only started noticing her 8 months ago!

"Yeap! Could've had a baby by now!" 

Can she not joke like that because really, I'm imagining all sort of shit right now! Just picture it - ten months of being with her...going to places - laughing, joking, touching or just seeing her - my God, what I'd do to have that time with her!

"You did good, Jungkook-ssi..." Her warm, silvery voice brought me back. "You said before...that you hoped you did good enough for me...you did really great." Oh, I can feel everything in my chest melting. 

"I thought of a lot of things that morning. I met the specialist and he explained to me the results. I thought...wow...but I'm so young! I haven't...there's a lot of things that I wanted to do and now I couldn't do it. I wanted to travel a lot...see new places, meet people of different cultures. I wanted to shout and dance like nobody's watching. I wanted to feel a lot more...tell myself that I'm smart, and - and pretty, and I can achieve things all on my own. I can do all that...but I was told that I won't have the time to do it. And then you came into the room..."

Her eyes glistened and in an instant, my eyes got blurry too. I held her hand tightly in mine before she continues,

"I remember thinking...I really want to ask you out. I've been wondering how it feels like to go on a date with you for ten months...and since I've got nothing to lose now, why not just do it? I knew you didn't know me. You looked so cute, to be honest - all confused and looking around as if it's a prank -"

"I wasn't that confused -"

"You were and it's so cute - I could just die right then! You were blinking a lot - processing with that serious frown you had all the time - still beautiful but I mean...so cute!" I really can't stop myself from tearing up - these damn butterflies are making me laugh and cry at the same time!! "I kind of feel bad that I had sprung it out that way but I was desperate. I'm sorry if it surprised you too much."

I shook my head and wiped my eyes with the back of my hand, then raised the other that's holding onto hers to my lips and kissed it gently. "You have nothing to be sorry about, Lisa-ssi. I'll admit that I'm inexperienced in that...field..." She giggled. "But I've never felt so alive until you brought me out...and I'm thankful that you made that move. Really, really thankful." I took a long, deep breath, just to fill my lungs with her scent. 

"I think we're passed formalities now...should we just go by each other's name?"

My heart feels full. "Yes...yes, I'd like that very much, Lisa." She stares at me and I'd like to think that the small, warm smile means she likes the way I say her name, just as how I've loved the way she says mine. "I have something to ask...I've wondered about it but I was scared to ask..."

"You're cute."

I sighed. Here I am trying to be serious and she threw it right out the park so easily. "Thank you...you're cute too. Much more beautiful than me -"

"That's up for debate."

"Yes, but let's not get into that right now. What I wanna know is...what were you feeling...you know, when you were flying - in Jeongseon and on the Swing Tree - you'd gone on it a lot of times. Why?"

She shuts her eyes and in that brief moment, I thought that there's a lot that I could learn from this girl. Her calm tolerance and her free spirits. 

"I was manifesting how I would be taken away." Taken...away? "I started feeling the pain on my back about three months ago...but I thought it was just me being tired. Like I'd pulled a muscle of something. Not once did I think that it would be anything life-threatening...and when I found out, it's all I could think about. My death..."

Oh...wait, that reading on our first date...does that mean that lady knew it all along?? Pain...pain and regret...damn, was I wrong! 

"I thought...I thought I shouldn't be scared of it, but I was. I was so scared and I needed something to get me through this. Chemo...it doesn't sound so hard...not like what the effects would be. I forced myself to do those things because I can't afford to be scared of this. So those rides...I imagined that if worse comes to worst, that's how I would be taken away. Lightly...freely. I won't see anything but the beautiful scenery."

...

The trial of her chemotherapy was 7 days and in those first 6 days, I got to learn, hold, and guard her better. Lisa had her good moments, but mostly bad days...and my heart kept breaking and crashing every time I saw her. She will have to undergo chemo for another 2 weeks before they can decide the next action plan, but she's at least allowed to go home for now. She isn't vomiting anymore so that's good too. 

And then Monday came. I don't think I've ever dreaded going to school or classes throughout my entire life than how I do now. Because my 'absence pardon' had come to an end and I have to waste 9 hours of my last 7th day with Lisa to attend to my studies. 'Waste'...well, look at how much I've changed! 

Anyway, I couldn't see her - not until after 5:30 in the evening later and that's if I'm allowed inside her house! Her father haven't spoke about that whole 'slept together' incident in the past, but I'm guessing it's never far out of his mind all these while. 

"All good, Kook? Heard someone in the family's sick?" Yugyeom asked just as I was taking my seat at their table in the Business school's cafeteria. 

I simply shrugged. Jimin told me this morning that he had heard the news from one of our lecturer since I hadn't responded to any of his texts. My excuse was that I was out of the country and the network was shit. He's a fairly simple guy so I knew he wouldn't question it further. 

"Must've been hard, man...my uncle was sick before he died and everyone was all stressed out. I wasn't that close with him but damn...that shit's depressing!" Mingyu said. 

I honestly don't know whether I should agree and make him feel better over the lost...or leave the table and this group of friends once and for all over that indifferent remark. Calling a phase of grieving and mourning 'depressing' or anything at all is kind of douchey, no? I mean, what else are people supposed to do - throw a party to celebrate it??

"Since you're back, wanna head to Black Widow tonight?" Jaehyun cocked an eyebrow at me.

"What's that?" I said, weakly picking on the fries that came with my burger. 

"It's a new pool club, just opened two weeks ago. My dad's friend owns it and yeah, it's quite cool. We stopped going to Seven. It's not fun anymore since that chick won't be returning. But man...I sure do miss her face and that tight-ass -"

My mind stopped working after that sentence. I should be angrier over the latter but...'that chick'. Right. "Lisa." I looked up and the table is silent. "Her name's Lisa, in case none of you ever got it in your thick brains before."

"Okay...'Lisa', huh?" Jaehyun smirked. "Why are you getting mad?"

"Because you guys kept calling her 'that chick' and I don't like it."

"Wow, okay - are we on our period today or what?? You don't have to be so damn sensitive about it!" Yugyeom chuckled further and frankly, I've had enough of this shit.

"She's my girlfriend now." And that shuts them all up. "Put that in your notes the next time you plan on talking about her. She has a name. I know at least one of you have asked her out before and the fact that you kept calling her that speaks volume, don't you think?" This is probably the longest I've ever spoken to them at one go and I'm glad that the time is now.

"Wait, Kook - what are you saying? The girl - the girl from Seven's your girlfriend?? Why don't we know about this - and why are you glaring at us like that?" 

"Okay, everyone - just chill the fuck out! Kook's just...that's just the way he looks! He's always glaring, right buddy?" I know Jimin's trying to neutralise the situation but like Mingyu said...I guess I'm 'all stressed out'!

"I don't think so. And no, I can't 'chill the fuck out' because my girlfriend - the girl you kept calling 'that chick' here and there and ogling all the goddamn time is sick. And no, it isn't 'depressing' either - not anymore than the person who's actually on the death bed! Sorry she wasn't there to entertain your damn eyes all the time because she's got cancer on her back so yeah, go to fucking Black Widow for all I care - just leave her out of your damn mouth!"

A few seconds passed and I'm still fuming. I just can't help it. I've been putting myself in a bystander shoes all these while and I feel like the biggest joke on the planet. All I did was talking to myself on things that should have been spoken out loud. I was an asshole for not correcting my friends' behaviours - whether it's about Lisa or any other. Well, no more - if this is what 'society' is all about, I refuse to be apart of it! Let me just live on my own - no, let me just be with my Lisa!

"Uh...okay, so uh..." Yugyeom is scratching the back of his head for some reason.

"Sorry." Jaehyun said it first. "I'm sorry...that -"

"Yeah, we're sorry!" Yugyeom finally found the word he's looking for, I guess! "You should've told us - we didn't know! We didn't mean any harm, I swear!"

"Yeah, it's just guy-talk, you know?" Mingyu laughs rather nervously. "It's not even an insult - she's a hot girl so -" 

He halted when Jaehyun glared at him. Yes, I noticed. I guess despite their oblivious way of living, they really do try their best to appeal to me. It dawned on me that perhaps I'm the one who has never given them that much credits. That they're not as bad as they looked and sounded...they are just clueless. Like me. 

...

I was welcomed, thankfully. And to add cherries on top, her parents went out for some grocery-shopping - lending me some alone time with their daughter for a while. Here I am, taking the brave step of laying down beside her on her bed again and reading 'You Might Be A Zombie and Other Bad News' to her out loud. The night is young and life is good, as she had said. 

"Baby mice wine??" She squeaked. I swear - as pale as her face gets, day by day, she still looks prettier and prettier to me. "That sounds wrong! Have you ever tried it?"

I shook my head, still smiling. "I've never gone to a liquor store...only drank the common ones I heard my friends ordered. None of them had ever mentioned 'baby mice wine' before but then again...maybe I didn't noticed that they did."

"Mm...you are quite the anti-social after all."

"That, I am." I grinned proudly, hanging the book down. "They said 'hi'...my friends, I mean."

She turns sideways to face me. "Did they?"

"Yes. They've always had a little crush on you but I can't say that I'm jealous. They asked me to take good care of you...and that they hope for you to get well soon."

She lets out a barely-there laugh. "Tell them thank you...but not to hope too much."

I can't help my frown. "Don't say that. You'll get better, Lisa." Her stare fell down to somewhere around my chest. "And when you're better, we'll go everywhere you wanna go, okay? Do everything you wanna do,"

"Everywhere?" I nod. "And you'll go with me?" I nod again and she's smiling again. Yes...life is good. 

"To the last train."

"You're so wonderful, you know that?"

"Am I?" Now it's her turn to nod. "If I am...then can I see you whenever I want to after today?"

She giggled. "Such a smooth-talker too! I should've known you'd keep track of the days but I'll tell you a little secret, Jungkook...I didn't." Oh, thank God!! "I don't think you'll take 'no' too well so yeah, you can see me anytime you want. As long as I'm around, that is."

"Every day then!" We both laughed. "You can't get out of it and you can't get rid of me - I won't budge! I'll jump of that cliff in Jeongseon again and without the ropes this time if you force me away - I don't care!!" 

I wanted to applaud myself for being able to make her laugh like this but shortly after, she winced and cowered herself into a ball - clutching on my shirt and effectively causing my panicked arms to hold her close. She's in pressuring pain, I know it. I've seen it, every time she found me a little too funny. 

"I'm sorry...I'm sorry, baby..." I rubbed her neck and back lightly, hoping that it eases her pain.

Lisa took a few deep breaths before tension leaves her body. Then she looks back up to me and says, "I like laughing with you like that...so don't be sorry, okay? You better not forget - you have to keep making me laugh once I get better."

I hope my smile does not reflect the heaviness I feel inside. Planting a quick kiss on her forehead, I whisper, "Once you get better." 

...

She did not get better. Quite the opposite, she'd gotten worse. She never said anything but I noticed it. Not only her body, her hair started getting thinner and thinner too and today, her mother told me that they've decided to shave them all off. That there are bald patches now and it made Lisa cried like a child when she looked at herself in the mirror this morning. 

I'm lost for words. I don't know what to do aside from just agreeing and being here with her. That's what my mother kept reminding me anyway - 'just be there for her'. But it can't be just that - my God - how can it be just that?! There has to be something that I can do - that anyone can do! I'm almost angry at myself and the world at the thought of being so helpless!

While her parents brought her into the bathroom, I stayed fidgeting in the kitchen. I heard the buzzing of the electric shaver, followed by a tearful sound of her voice...and I couldn't take it. It was too much and I feel like crying so...I left...when I probably shouldn't. 

I keep feeling too much. I keep feeling like I've lost a lot of years when her mother tells me about her life and childhood while she makes me a cup of hot chamomile tea in the kitchen of her house. I feel like could listen to those stories for hours, though we'd always cut it short to check up on her daughter. I feel as though the ceiling is collapsing, every time Lisa winced and writhed by herself in the bathroom. I keep feeling scared, every time I checked her breathing while she's laying still on the bed. 

I'm scared not only for her, but for me too. The time that was given to us felt so short and I don't want to lose it. I don't want to lose her. If I do...I don't know - if I lose her, I know this version of me will be destroyed. How fragile am I - to be so frail and clueless? I don't even know where I'm walking to but I needed the air. Everything felt so sudden and new - every damn day had been strange and unfamiliar, ever since I met her - and I'm finding it hard to breathe! Why does it have to be like this? Why does it have to be her?? She's the first person I've ever fallen in love with -

Love...

Yes, I love her...

My brightest smile, Lisa...

I don't know who I'm praying to but dear God, please...have mercy...have mercy on my love...

...

I walked back to her house with shame...and pride, all blended into one. I need to be more resolute. I need to. I need to not waste any more time - as little as a second - and I will never again abandon the words I've spoken. I will never leave her, even if she leaves me.

Her father's eyes widened when he opened the door and found me. I could only managed a stupid grin for his speechless stare. Her mother was next but she was more perceptive on how awkward I felt at that moment. Then I knocked and stepped into her room. She was woken up by the sound I made and I guessed it was why she rubbed her eyes twice to see me.

"Jungkook? You...what did you do?"

Or maybe not. I know why that pretty, pale face is gaping. Her head is covered with a beige-coloured beanie, but mine is bare. I got to her side and her teary eyes is clearer now. She kept staring at me and I know that she's trying hard not to cry out. Her pupils shift between my face to my head.

"What - what did you do? Why..." Her pressed sobs are hard to miss.

My Lisa with her doll-like eyes...her grace, her beauty...her strong heart and her gentle wisdom. Do you really not know what you've done to me?

"See...it's not that big of a deal..." I held her palm at the top of my newly-shaved head and helped her rub it. "My hair will grow back...and so will yours. Let's look forward to it together, okay?"

And then they fell - the first of her tears to reach her cheeks...and the next. She shuts her eyes and more came out, along with hard, heavy wails. This is the first time I had seen her cry like this but I won't let it scare me into running again. I was a coward...and I probably still am but...but for her - in front of her, I won't be one. Not now, not ever. 

No matter what, I will keep holding onto her. Both gently and strongly...closely...just like this. Because in her embrace...the world stopped still on its axis. Time does not exist when she's in my arms.

...

I'll say it again. I didn't know a lot of things, but I especially don't know a lot about myself. 

Like how scared I was at the thought of being at high places, only to find that I wasn't scared of it at all once I was at the edge of a cliff. Or how embarrassed I'd feel to dance blindly among the crowds, only to know that I couldn't give a shit about who's looking and who's not. Or best yet, how patient I could get while waiting for the love of my life to come back out alive from that door that leads to the operating room, but here I am. Unmoved. Undistracted. 

They said that there's 50-50 precent chances on removing the tumor whole, but I'm fairly convinced that they'll do a 100 precent great job at it. I don't know what it is that kept me this optimistic. The energy I had to dismiss any worries can't simply be from the coffee my mother had brought to me an hour ago. Perhaps it was the exchange we had, right before she was pushed through that door much earlier.

"If I don't come out -"

"You'll come out." I hushed her and smiled. "You'll come back out to me, to your mommy and daddy, and we'll be right here to get you."

She sighed. I'd never seen her passing through more than twenty seconds with that fear in her eyes in any waking moments before, and I wished I won't ever have to again. 

"Hey..." I ducked myself down close to her. "I love you." Her weak eyes twinkled and I let out a relieved sigh. She gave her acceptance, I'd like to believe. "I love you...and I'll wait right here for you, so do your best to not make me wait too long, okay baby?"

"We need to talk about this whole 'baby' thing." She chuckled.

"We'll do that when you come out then. First thing, I promise." I kissed her forehead and lingered, breathing in the few seconds and convinced myself that it wouldn't hurt to have a few more. I won't cry, I kept telling myself. 

"Jungkook-ssi..." I finally pulled myself back to look her in the eyes. I liked her calling me that, I still don't know why. "Live a little while you wait for me, can you promise me that?"

I waited until she was out of my sight before I ran to the restroom - washing my tears away, right after I promised her that. There was nothing else to do then...aside from waiting...praying...and repeating encouraging words to myself while she's in there, fighting. 

Far on my left, my parents are still talking to her parents. On my right, Jimin had dozed off over the long wait. I should thank him again for coming here as a support later. I'll do that once Lisa comes out from the OR. She'll probably be sleeping still so I'll just let her know that he had dropped by and kept me company. They were introduced to each other 3 days ago and I know she'd find Jimin as entertaining as I did. 

Having so much time on my own, I began recollecting what my life was all about before I met Lisa. How I was...and how I must've looked like in other people's eyes. I know my parents worried a lot in all those times - wondering if they had done the right thing by moving me a lot and whether they were responsible for me alienating myself from the world. Have I ever told them that they'd done the best they possibly could? Maybe I should, just in case. 

The friend beside me whined a lot, but he never stopped trying to drag me into all of his social activities. I couldn't recall it then, but the memory of our first meet resurfaced just now. 

"You sure throw a mean stare to someone over a pencil and eraser! Lucky for you, I'm a nice guy! I'm Jimin, by the way. Park Jimin."

"Jeon Jungkook." I said, after glaring at him for 3 more seconds. 

"I'll call you 'Kook' then, buddy!" The way he hung his arm around my shoulder like an old pal annoyed me, but I didn't know how to respond to it so I just let him be. "Say...you look well-built, mind helping a friend out a little?"

"Yes. I'm busy."

"Great! Wait, what?"

"I'm busy, so yes, I do mind."

"Come on...it's only the first day of class! I just hit a hole nearby on my way here and I need to change my tire. It's only gonna take like, three minutes! Five, tops! Look, I'll buy you lunch for it - what do you say?"

I wanted to say that there's no way changing tires would only take 5 minutes of my time. And I wanted to say that I don't need a free lunch because I have the sandwich I'd packed for myself in the bag. Of course, I didn't. I didn't want to waste my breath.

"Listen, I'm a year late cus I did my military training right after highschool. Just wanna get it over with, you know? I'm guessing you're younger than me so you should take my advice for it. If there's one thing I learned well in that service is that in order to survive, we need people around us. Our people. Cus when we stick together, our unit grow stronger, alright? We can't strike when we're alone, we need our people - so I'm telling you now, I'm your 'people'! You can count on me - no matter what, I'll have your back, alright??"

If I had to be honest, I'll admit that I was fazed at his speech while dragging me towards his car. I didn't think that changing a tire could ever be that serious of a business - too serious to a point of declaring your utmost loyalty to a person you just met. 

But thinking about it now...I guess it made sense. I'd be even more of a loner if it wasn't for Park Jimin. And I definitely wouldn't have met Lalisa Manobal if it wasn't because of Park Jimin. I wonder if I should express my gratitude to this now-snoring guy beside me...is that...drool coming out of his mouth? Maybe not. 

I'll just keep it to myself for now because that's the guy that I am - like it or not. I've been trying to be more vocal when it comes to Lisa, but I still find myself being awkward at it. I guess these things take time. Build and rebuild. I know my patterns have changed quite drastically over the past 5 weeks and it probably wouldn't take very long until I get used to it. 

Talk more. Express more. Do more and dream more. And maybe then, I'll start seeing 'time' more. 

...

It has been almost 6 hours now and damn...I'm losing it! I am no longer calm - my emotions had been swept through and replaced with anxiety, with each passing minutes on that damn clock on the screen with her surgeon's name on it! I hate this feeling of not knowing...the wondering...and I hate the fact that I couldn't eat or sleep in this wait!

I've tried - I promised her that I'll 'live' so I tried swallowing the food at the cafeteria earlier but I just couldn't enjoy it. It just feels wrong to do all these mundane things while she's in that room, surrounded by strangers who are cutting her open. I knew I had to stay patient...strong...but the longer it gets, I just...I just couldn't help but think if something is wrong. Fuck, I hope nothing's wrong!!

"So..." Her father cleared his throat as he took the seat beside me. Perhaps he's starting to feel agitated over the wait too. "When all of this is over, there'll be no more sleepovers at her house, you hear me?"

I don't know why I chuckled. "Yes, sir." I guess it's better-put than directly saying 'you will never again sleep with her!'. I mean, I can always invite her over to my house -

"My wife thinks I should thank you...you know, for keeping her company these past weeks. I um...I'm not much of a talker so...you know where I'm heading with this, right?"

Not much of a talker, huh? He spoke just fine with my parents all this time! But I guess I understood why. My parents did volunteer on pulling some strings for Lisa's recovery after this so... "Yes, sir. And uh...don't, like, worry about it or anything. I wanted to see her so...it's not like you had a choice. I'll just keep sitting by the door and that'll be in your way so um..." I laughed my nerves out. 

"Yeah...I figured that part out."

Look at us...two awkward-giggling men, trying to find a little comfort and common grounds while waiting for one special girl...if 'time' has a face, he'd be laughing too, for sure! 

A few minutes after, the surgeon's name finally disappears from the screen. We both stood up at the same time, our feet anxiously turning and waiting upfront to the wake of the blue-clothed man coming out from those frosted-glassed double-door. His eyes look tired - different than how it was when he took the steps in earlier today. He took off the mask on his face and my chest beats harder at the grim-looking expression.

Please...I beg you, please let it be good news!

...

September, 2019.

There, that should do it! Perky. Confident. Healthy and happy. 

I remember how my glassful of optimism had crashed and splattered in a single second, just 2 years ago. I remember laughing to myself like a mad person, thinking what a ridiculous dream that was - being at the end of the invisible tunnel. I was confused...and I definitely wasn't in the right state of mind for what's about to come. 

He was probably as confused as I was too - no surprise there! I kind of feel bad that I had to do it that way. All I felt as I watched him leave that day was...it's now or never! I was breathless and in pain when I chased after him, but the desperation in my chest held me up. I kept hearing 'I need to tell him', over and over, until I finally reached him. 

It made me feel good, as crazy as it sounds. It was my last chance at life...to feel like I have this final thing in my life that I could control within such short notice. That I won't let any more time go to waste - to not just see things from afar anymore. Because I realised that there were a lot of times when things felt a little out of reach, and I'd truly regret if I don't try to reach it for at least one more time before I die. Just one more time was all I need.

He was always beautiful in my eyes. From the very first time I saw him - without a single expression on - I couldn't look away. And so it began. I stood there, all on my own, admiring him from across the room for God knows how long. I didn't know a thing about him - all I knew was that him and his friends were a frequent group to play pool and watch the horse races on Seven's large LED screens. 

He was out of reach. Out of my league. From the way they dressed and the amount they'd spent, I figured that they're somewhat an elite group. They probably betted on all those horses too! But still, it didn't hurt me to dream. What harm could I ever do from stealing glances every time he's there?

After much contemplation, I've also figured out why my heart was so intrigued by him. He wasn't the only handsome one in the group, but he's certainly the only unbothered one about it! He was always wearing that sort of bored look on his face - like nothing much could ever entertain him. I guess that was what had me wondering more...

Things like, how would he look like when he genuinely feels happy about something? It seemed that after some time of me getting used to his presence at the club, he would almost, always, ended up winning the bets with his friends...but I still didn't see it. That expression that says...damn, this is my life and I'm thrilled with it! I did, after a while, noticed his smirks though. He does that a lot more than smiling! I think there was a phase in there when I thought that he may just be another proud, arrogant character because of those smirks. Still, my eyes never stopped looking out for him.

Being a natural day-dreamer, my mind easily drifted to the day when he would order a drink for himself by the bar. I mean, I may had been sick to death but I wasn't oblivious. His friends weren't the only ones who had approached and asked me out without even getting my name first, with not-so-subtle charms in between ordering their drinks. He was the only one who stayed away though...all of him, and I had wondered if it was because he was already in love with someone.

That had gotten me to think...what kind of a date would he be if he goes out with someone? What kind of a boyfriend would he be? Of course, any girl would seem lucky to be walking close by his side...clutching on his palm as she talked and laughed...but what could he possibly be when all those feelings were put into place? What expression would come out on that beautiful face?

I had never heard his voice when all of his friends were joking and laughing out loud, and as I began to feel the constant pain rising steadily on my back and spreading slowly to certain parts of my body, I found myself thinking deeper...that nor could I ever tell if he was having the time of his life. For so long, I really wanted to know...to see, at least once, so I can put it to rest.

Up until now, I still couldn't tell where that urge had came from. Since I was little, I've always been 'a curious one', as my mother kept justifying. My father, on the other hand, would sigh and ask me to consider things responsibly, no matter the situation. Still, just like how I ended up in this foreign country much different than theirs, they have always found a way to trust me. In my judgments. My selections. I can never thank them enough for raising me so wildly, honestly.

Because that was the only reason I could think of...of why I'm still breathing, right this second. It's how everything had fallen into place, I realised. It's quite amazing to think...how I ended up having cancer in one of the countries that is considered to have the best cancer treatments in the entire world. How I didn't get into Seoul National University but I did spend time at its hospital. And how being all alone while receiving that same news had pushed me quite over the edge of any lingering reservations...leading me into finding who Jeon Jungkook really was, underneath that passive mask. 

Yes, he was 'beautiful'...but he's so much more. He was calm and considerate to me, despite being nervous and unsettled. He was talkative if you ask him the right questions, and he knows when to keep his silence. That beautiful face is actually hiding tons of adorable awkwardness, and I was lucky enough to uncover it. I was a hopeful person back then...and he kept that hopeful person alive. I remember exactly what was on my mind, right before they put me on temporary sleep in that sterilised room, and my thought was accompanied with a confident smile. 

'I should at least be proud of myself that I have good tastes in men!'

I can't help my laugh every time I recall it, ever since I woke back up. It just made me feel so damn good about myself...to know that I had made that choice in those 7 days, and that choice had stayed with me for more time after. He was with me when the drugs had worn off...and he's still with me now, as I walk as a 'cancer-free' woman. I hope...I really hope that he'll be with me until the day I have to leave again.

"What's that smile about? You're hiding something from me?" His grip on my palm tightened and I clutched my other hand on the warmth of his arm. Side by side, we started walking out from the fancy restaurant and onto the paved street.

"Nothing...I was just thinking how nice that was...meeting the people you work with."

"Yeah? Your work friends are more fun to hang out with though - these office workers can be a bit boring to talk to!"

I laughed because he's partly right. My colleagues at the dance academy are more laid-back and casual, and we'd hang out after work over fried chicken and silly teases - unlike the serious setting of fine-dining and expensive liquors we just had. But that doesn't matter much to me. It was nice because it's his. 

"They're not all office workers - you work for the country's Cultural Heritage Administration, it's not some finance hustles where you have to be all cranky over numbers. You said so yourself - you guys get to travel all the time!"

"I know, I know...should've thanked appa for getting me in but come on, you have to admit - cultural heritage is a serious thing to these people! They're always talking about some preservations - they're sands and stones - let them be sands and stones!"

I know I'm being loud but I can't help it. He's just so cute and funny when he whines like this! "You're only bringing it up because you're worried that I'm judging you for it, aren't you, honey?"

His shy smile curves up and blush graces his cheeks. Sheesh - what did I say? I have such good tastes in men! 

"You shouldn't worry, you know that. I mean...I've faced death before so I've been humbled. The last thing I'd do in my second chance at life is judging my adorable bunny's colleagues and their choice of dinner topics!"

He halted our tracks and an almost-sulky frown appears across his face. Ahh...I should've known that he'd get upset - me and my big mouth! He never likes it when I recall the word 'death'. "I don't like it when you say that word...'death'..." See? "That was the scariest thing - waiting and waiting...not seeing you coming out of that room...so don't joke about it, okay?" His gentle voice is always soothing to my ears. 

"I'm sorry...I wasn't thinking. It still feels new to me so...I'll do my best, I promise." I tip-toed and kissed him quick on the lips. 

Seeing his expression changed into one of surprised, I did it again. On the third time, he grabbed me tightly by the waist - forcing me to kiss him longer. My, my -

"There are people around!" I gasped and giggled out of his hold. Around us, the almost-empty street pays no mind. 

"You know I don't care about anyone else but you, but since you don't seemed like you do know it, should we make a run for it now? I don't mind...cus then I'll get to have you faster -"

Another thing that I have learned about this beautiful man...is that he can't keep his hands off of me. And I know that it's his best truth yet...that he's madly in love with the life he's made with me. 

"Have you told your parents about Iceland? I've booked the Airbnb that we looked into last week. Appa said to double-check on the volcano activities around this time of the year...and we probably need to rent a car upfront. Eomma's worried that you'd get tired..." He says, as we continue our walk back home. 

I know he's excited in keeping his promises to me. I can't forget how happy he was, just last month, when we received news of my cancer remission. "Not yet but we've got time. It's in another two months. I'll tell them soon...I'm just giving them some time to fully embrace the fact that their daughter is no longer sick. And if I'm being honest...as much as I wanna travel...I like doing nothing here with you too."

"Yeah...me too." He nods and I see the blush on his beautiful face. Aishh I have such good tastes! 

We've cried together...and we've laughed together. I know we will go on more adventures together, so I'm thankful. So thankful that I'm loved by him...just like this. I couldn't imagine dreaming for anything more to life than just being with him.

...

September, 2079

"Appa, can you hear us..." 

I hear my eldest daughter's voice, but I can't take my eyes off that damn Yoshino Cherry tree. I've always felt glad that we planted that tree...but I can't help feeling a little bitter too sometimes, on days when I've missed her the most. I can't imagine having a giant trampoline on its spot, but how wonderful would it be to have a memory of her - jumping and laughing, high up in the air? I can already hear her young, high-pitched squeaks...

"We've had a lot of great times together...made wonderful memories, didn't we?" I whispered to the far, swaying tree. It looks as if it's waving back at me...gently...just like her. Always, just like her. "But it was never enough for me..."

"Appa?" 

She sounds just like her mother sometimes. They all do...each one carrying little traits of her to perhaps remind me...that she's always around. 

And there she is, smiling at me...just as how she would always smile at me. Hi...I'm always the mad one, aren't I, love? The one who was lost...for you to teach. Whether it's 7 days or 700 years...I doubt that it will ever be sufficient. My doll-face tilts her head slightly...as if she heard me loud and clear.

"My love...my amazing, beautiful wife...where have you been?"

There are chaos behind me...but you're all I see. You were the one who had fought death...and yet, you still had time to save me. I beg you, my love...save me once again. Take me so I can finally be with you again. 

"I hope I've done my best, Lisa-ssi...my Lisa...come back to me,"

"Appa...please...get up - look at me, please!"

I heard her. No...I heard them. All of our beautiful seven children...and our grandchildren - oh, how we loved them all! But I can't...

I can't see anything but her under that Yoshino Cherry tree. I don't want to see anything else. Not one of these man-made machines could drag my eyes away from her. No...she is as beautiful as she was when I first met her...magical...so I don't want to, I'm sorry. My love...come closer...

"My love...my...love, how I've missed you!"

"Appa!!"

The sobbing are slowly fading...and I feel as light as freedom. As I get closer and closer to her opened arms, I see my life...my whole life flashing by...and I paused, only to be met with the moving image of our first date. Her bright smile and twinkling eyes...and I turned back to the one in front of me. 

Still the same bright smile and twinkling eyes who are now asking me, "You've waited for too long, haven't you?" I should cry but I can't. Everything in me feels light...and content. Free. "Come home to me, Jungkook-ssi."

And I run as fast as I can, into those arms.

...The End...

~ P/S: This is just something I had but never published (title changed because why not?). I feel bad for being so late in updates (I'm sorryyyyy) so this is to make up for it. It's a little long and deep but I hope you enjoy reading it :)