Hey!

It's been a while since I've talked with you all again (well, more like written for you). I thought maybe I could make a quick entry in here just to give you all something to read. I know it isn't , Cruel & Blue, or Creep, but I hope this is still enough.

So today I had a Christmas party for orchestra and it was pretty fun! I ate good food, we had a secret Santa gift exchange, and all that stuff. (Also, I downloaded My Horse Prince and its lit).

Near the end of the party when everyone was leaving, a girl who's an acquaintance of mine wished me goodnight and told me, "Hey, one more thing! *finger guns* You're really cute." I say thank you in an almost surprised way and she leaves for home.

Sounds nice, right? I'm not gonna say it wasn't, it was obviously nice. But I've had an itching that she likes me in the crush way. Maybe?? I don't know. I've heard of people having crushes on me but nothing has ever come into fruition, ya know? Plus, I'm not used to it. So when she told me that, it kinda "finalized" something for me and...I don't want to say I was uncomfortable at the thought of her liking me.

She can feel however she wants towards me; it's her emotions. For me, I just get uncomfortable with anyone liking me. I think about it as if it was someone that I liked back, and I still feel uncomfortable. Then I realize, no matter how confident or shy they are, good-looking or not good-looking, or if they're a boy or girl, I still feel that sense of uneasiness. I realize that, yes, the idea of loving someone and being loved back is wonderful, but the real thing is completely different. Even if the other person and I shared the same feelings, the thought of being in a relationship discomforted me. Maybe it's because I've never been in a legitimate relationship, or that I've been single for so long and used to rejecting any ideas that I can be loved romantically and seen as beautiful (sad, I know, but it's me).

I'm not going to do anything to face the situation. Maybe I've got this all wrong, maybe that friend was just complimenting me (my eyebrows did look on point today and I was rockin' a Santa hat like a model, haha~). I don't know.

I've given up (well, backed away) on dating anyone considering I'm not a very stable person (haHA). I know I'm not easy to handle sometimes and I feel bad for it, plus thinking about relationships stresses me out when I know they shouldn't so I'm probably not ready for all that. And also that whole thing with dat boi kinda closed me off from the idea of liking someone or someone flirting with me (turns out he's always a big flirt and that's just him. fucccc boooiiiii. he's still cool to me though so it's all good).

I'm used to reading about love, or watching it, or writing it. And, so far, that's all I really want, even if I find myself pining for someone to like and to like me back (haha like that particular situation is ever gonna happEN). Besides, I take out all of affection towards fictional characters and ships (vikturri for the fuckin win bruh it's the only thing that makes me know true love in this world).

Lol, I probably sound weird for saying all of this stuff; rejecting dating and love. Something that no person dreams of today. Idk. That's just how I feel right now.

Anyway, that's all I have to share. Told ya this would be quick. I'll try to update C&B and Creep soon! I hope you had a wonderful day!

See ya!~