Heyyyyyy

What's up?

Uhhhhh

So, I'm turning 16 tomorrow, which is July 14, in case people read this after my birthday has passed and get confused.

Uhhhhmmmmm

It's...okay.

I feel really anxious but I don't know why because I'm literally not going to do anything special.

I might see my friends..?

Eh.

Everything's not exactly fit to include my birthday. That sounds weird but, here's what I mean.

My dad and step-mom are remodeling their bathroom and I'm not visiting them during. They definitely spent a lot of money for it, so I don't want to inconvenience them by asking them for stuff.

My mom is literally like a solid brick wall, I have no idea if she's planning something or not. Probably not.

One of my best friends recently sprained her ankle and tore a ligament so she's walking around in crutches and resting a whole bunch. She'll have to do a lot just to see me.

Since my birthday is on a weekday, everyone will most likely be at work, and I have to stay home throughout the entire day to take care of my brother, which is all I've been doing my entire summer. I have very little time to do anything away from my apartment.

Yeah, those are my reasons.

Shit, I don't even know if I'll get a cake or even a lil' cupcake. I probably don't need it but, that's a generic birthday thing to get.

And I feel really bad.

I mean, I'm turning 16, getting older. I get existential crises' just thinking about it. A lot of weird anxiety starts kicking in when I think about a new school year looming in, along with the point in my life where I'll be a grown ass adult having to make grown ass decisions by myself.

I feel like crap when I ask for presents because I know neither my mom or my dad and step-mom are in perfect situations to buy me things.

I don't want my friend to fuck up her foot again somehow and then I'll feel like an ass.

I don't even know what I want to do, I'm kind of just winging it. Trying to treat it more like a regular day than anything.

But even with having all of these reasons to brush aside my birthday, I don't want to. I mean, it's my birthday! My 16th birthday! It should feel special, shouldn't it? It should! But all I can do is feel absolutely terrible, and that's not something that should be felt.

My friends and family ask me what I want to do, and I honestly can never answer them properly. I'm playing it off like I'm okay with not doing anything, when in reality, I would love to go out and receive a few presents. On one hand, I don't want to burden others, but on the other hand I know that if I actually don't do anything then I'll feel like a poor sack of shit because I'm such a sensitive asshole.

Things just seem to not be okay.

I feel bad.

It's so bad that I literally had some sort of emotional breakdown when the friend that got injured said that she wanted to spend most of my birthday with me and a couple of other friends. I don't know why. That's a good thing! Right? It is! But I just feel like things won't work out some how in some way because that's how stuff works out. I'm too stressed for my own good.

I'm tired. Maybe it's because I'm typing this at 11:30 ish with a raging headache.

Geeeeezzzzz it's bad.

One time I nearly blacked out when I only stood up.

That was literally a day ago.

I should, like, see a doctor or something.

Or maybe not worry about stuff so much to point where I emotionally breakdown and feel like garbage and have the desire to just sleep a lot, which some times doesn't actually help.

Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh.

By the way, bad news, that injured friend can't see me on my birthdayyyyyy, so that makes me feel all the much betteeeeerrrrr even though I knew it was better for her to not leave her apartment with a messed up foooooooot.

Yaaaaaayyyyyyyyy.

Uhm.. Yeah.

I also haven't updated which sucks because I know I should and it weighs me down with guilt every single minute that passes.

Happy birthday to me. I guess. Not exactly. It should be Moderately-Okay-But-Not-That-Okay Birthday. Mmmmmm, I shouldn't whine it about though, it could be worse. But god damn do I feel like shit!! :D

HoOWoO

Uh...bye.